Today was a bad day, but man, I was hungry. Though my eyes were bigger than my stomach: I got my favorite candy bar as a treat to help offset the stress, but I had accidentally bought so much food that I filled up before I even got to it. Whoops... though it's not the worst thing in the world to avoid eating a confectionery, isn't it?

It's probably for that accidental gorging that I'm for one not needing to eat as I do the recap tonight. So let's see what WWE was up to on SmackDown as I argue with myself over what to make for dinner later.

Pre-Segment 1: After a recap of the Intercontinental Title mess on RAW, we hear that Sami Zayn and The Miz (and Maryse) are on commentary, so we've got a six-person booth for the next match. I'm sure this won't be confusing.

Segment 1 [Singles Match]: Kevin Owens defeats Cesaro by flash pin. Absolutely fantastic match. The workrate in-ring wasn't anything super special (though it was certainly very good, well above average), but the merging of all the rivalries and stories—not to mention further implications for the title match this Sunday—elevated the match to excellent heights.

Cesaro won the opening offense, and Owens then bailed to avoid being pinned. Miz talked some shit to him, distracting him and allowing Cesaro to continue the offense outside the ring before throwing Owens back in to continue the action. That included a twice-reversed suplex, concluding with Cesaro finally hitting a vertical suplex on Owens, showing off the strength and balance of both guys.

After the suplex, Owens bailed again, but took a running European Uppercut near the timekeeper's area. As Cesaro celebrated from that, Miz talked some shit to him too, so Cesaro talked back. As Cesaro tried to get back in the ring, Maryse took off her headset and distracted Cesaro, letting Owens finally get his first offense as he knocked Cesaro off the apron before throwing his SURGICALLY REPAIRED~! shoulder into the stairs.

Stiff strikes from there as Owens wore down Cesaro. Cesaro got his hope spot when he blocked a senton with his knees, then he brought strikes to take back momentum. However, during the rally, Cesaro tried to get to the top rope, and Owens crotched him by bouncing off the ropes. Owens followed up with the Cannonball, then shot the half, but only got two as we went to ads.

Back, and Owens is working on the neck with a rest hold. Cesaro powers out, but Owens takes him down with a standing elbow. Owens then went to the top rope, but Cesaro caught him with a running jumping European Uppercut, then a freaking standing dropkick that, I must remind you, hit Owens sitting on the top rope. Then, because Cesaro hasn't shown off how awesome he is enough, he hit a gut-wrench superplex.

Cesaro is all about the European Uppercuts from there, concluding with a high angle cross body off the top rope. Failed pin, and Owens escaped the Neutralizer and the Cesaro Swing. To escape the latter, Owens had to guillotine Cesaro on the top rope, then bail. Then he just punched Zayn for no reason, but was taken out by Cesaro with an out of nowhere running senton off the apron. Cesaro threw Owens back in the ring, then shoved Miz over his chair for no reason.

Back in the ring, Cesaro hit a rebound springboard European Uppercut, then the Cesaro Swing. Miz interrupted it; he took a punch to the face, but Cesaro ate a superkick from Owens. Pin, only two.

Owens brought Cesaro back to his feet for something, but Cesaro hit yet another European Uppercut. But then, Zayn entered the ring to get some vengeance. However, Cesaro cut him off, then punched him in the face, because he didn't want to lose by disqualification. The distraction gave Owens a window though, and he schoolboy'ed Cesaro with a handful of tights.

After the match, basically everyone beat up everyone, but The Miz was the one left standing in the ring. Owens had already bailed, and he applauded the extracurriculars from the top of the ramp.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Dana Brooke defeats Paige by pin. Becky Lynch is on commentary for this one.

Fairly even exchanges to start, but Paige goes on a hyper kneeing binge on the apron, though Dana counters by cutting her down and making slam her spine on the apron. The women reenter the ring from there as Dana uses some wacky offense—including a forward handstand to neck scissors as a rest hold in the corner for no reason—but Paige rallies shortly thereafter. Kicks from Paige and a running knee lift only get a two on the pin.

Paige then gets Dana to her feet, but Dana counters with a jawbreaker, followed by a sit-out slam, and... gets the three? Really? All right. Man, that was short. I guess it feeds into Dana's momentum and monster gimmick, but that finisher didn't really look all that impressive.

Segment 3: Renee Young interviews Rusev and Lana in the back concerning his assault on Kalisto on Monday. The recap lasted longer than the interview, and arguably provided more information. Wasted segment here, unless they just wanted to remind us the match existed.

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: Dolph Ziggler defeats Sheamus by pin. Sheamus's power won the the opening exchange, but Dolph's speed won the second. The exchanges were about even from there, with each guy slipping out a big move, including Dolph slipping out of the Ten of Clubs. But Sheamus finally flattened him with a huge clothesline and shot the half. Only a two, but we went to break.

Back, and it's all Sheamus, all power. He finally whiffs on a clothesline and flies out of the ring, then comes back in and falls to a Famouser. Failed pin but Dolph continues his momentum until he suffers a backbreaker from a rebound. Another failed pin, but Sheamus tries again after a lateral press. Still only a two.

Back-and-forth action from there as Dolph takes a flapjack against the ropes, but responds with a superkick and falls on Sheamus... and gets three? Holy crap! [Ed. Note: Yeah, quite the upset... but at the same time, not really. With the League of Nations kaput, at least ONE of those guys has to go babyface. Sheamus is the best bet, since he's done it before AND he's in the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, so that'll get him over with the cartoon/comic book fanboys. And it's WWE Bylaw #17a that when you're getting ready to turn a guy, you "use him up" by jobbing him in his current role, before totally starting fresh and rebooting him in his new one.]

After the match, Dolph doesn't get to celebrate long as Baron Corbin pops out to the stage with a mic. He issues a generic threat, and nothing more happens. Meh.

Segment 5: After a shot above the ring showing the Asylum cage or whatever (complete with SPOOKY MUSIC~!), Chris Jericho hits in the ring in his civvies as he looks up at it. He says he's not worried: he's been in every single gimmick match WWE has ever made. But he's never been in an Asylum Match, because he's never been in one, which means neither has Dean Ambrose, which means Jericho has an advantage, because he's smarter. That entire sentence was barely a paraphrase, and it put a smile on my face.

To demonstrate how smart he is, he reminds us of doing the straitjacket thing to Ambrose last week, and murdering Mitch to put Ambrose in the hospital two weeks ago. So he calls for the Asylum to come down, then rattles off the weapons and what all he can do with them. After some simple math, he says he'll put Ambrose in the hospital for 40 days, which I can't help but notice is awfully biblical.

As he wraps up his speech, the stage hands finish securing the cage in place, but weirdly, they have one dude who's actually in the ring with Jericho, securing it from the inside.

...Oh wait, that stagehand, who had a black had and gloriously long beard, turns out to be Dean Ambrose! Holy shit, a disguise in professional wrestling that actually worked! And as Jericho presents us with the gift of him and wants us to drink it in, man, Ambrose takes off the disguise and beats the shit out of him. Ambrose climbs the wall just to fetch the kendo stick, and he whacks Jericho a few times. Ambrose wants a running strike to cap it off, but Jericho just bails through the door, which apparently will be locked for the match proper on Sunday.

Segment 6: Bob Backlund talks more crazy shit to Darren Young with terrible acting from both of them.

Segment 7 [Eight-Man Tag Match]: Big Cass & The New Day defeat The Dudley Boys & The Vaudevillains by pin. Shorter match than I would expect, but it was entertaining enough.

Big E and D-Von Dudley to start, with the former doing most of the early offense, but then E tags out to Xavier Woods, who gets trashed. But then Bubba Ray Dudley tags in, and he gets destroyed with the Unicorn Stampede. The heels collectively try to get in the ring, but the faces do too, and the heels bail to take us to a break.

Back, and the heels are in control over Woods after some distraction run by half the heels. Power offense from there among all the heels as they isolate Woods with quick tags. That said, the Vaudevillains basically only tagged each other, leading to BRD losing his damn mind. But once BRD finally tags in, he taunts too much, and Woods hits an enziguri out of nowhere.

Hot tags to Big Cass and D-Von, and the former goes house of fire against just everyone. An Empire Elbow leads to a failed pin thanks to Simon Gotch getting involved, leading to a Pier Eight Brawl. Once it settles down, the Dudleys double-team Cass and try a 3D, but Cass manages to fight out of it. Then, uh, something weird happens as Cass hits a big backbreaker on BRD. Cass sort of kneels, and the ref dives to count a pin, but Cass hits the north ropes instead. As he rebounds, BRD acts like he's going to get up, and has to quickly sort of roll back into position as Cass does a half-jump and finishes with an awkward Empire Elbow. The commentators sell it as a full move though, so whatever: BRD takes an Empire Elbow and eats a three count.

Segment 8: Recap of the Charlotte/Natalya rivalry.

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Roman Reigns (w/ The Usos) defeat Luke Gallows (w/ AJ Styles & Karl Anderson) by disqualification. Even exchanges to open, and it's all power from both guys. Reigns gets his breath when Gallows hits him with a shoulder block that sends him through the ropes, but once he's back in, Reigns carries the momentum. He concludes it with that signature running missile dropkick to the apron move (the “Drive-By,” apparently), and Gallows licks his wounds by the timekeeper. Reigns makes eyes at Styles as we go to our final break.

Back, and Gallows is in control with power offense, stiff slams and strikes, concluding in a necklock rest hold. Reigns stands but gets chucked into the corner, and Gallows continues to power and roughneck offense.

Things turn around when Reigns hits a jumping lariat out of nowhere, then follows up with another off the middle rope. Multiple lariats in the corner form there, and Reigns signals for the Superman Punch. Anderson runs distraction, and it momentarily works, but Reigns hits it anyway, then signals for the Spear. Styles grabs his ankle, and Reigns gets distracted again, leading to a Pier Four Brawl among the escorts.

Back in the ring, Gallows is able to hit Reigns with his finisher, the Gallows Pole, but can't close the deal. So then Styles sends in Anderson for no reason, and they hit the Boot of Doom to draw a DQ.

Pier Six Brawl from there as Styles introduces chairs but doesn't get a chance to use them, though he does clear the commentating table once the fight spills outside. We don't know what Styles was going to do as Reigns belly-to-back suplexes him onto the table. After a couple punches, the Pier Six Brawl reignites.

Final Thoughts: And, uh, that's the show. No resolution, not refs running to pull them apart. Just a fade-to-black during the brawl. That doesn't happen very often. [Ed. Note: Anymore. But Nitro used to do it all the time. To the point of it being a one of the many WCW related punchlines us smarks enjoyed at the time. But used sparringly? Not a bad little trick to create anticipation.]

But honestly, I think it's indicative of the show as a whole. There was a lot of wrestling which, usually, I'd be all for. But the entire episode felt like an afterthought: it wasn't a last-second sell to buy and watch Extreme Rules this Sunday, but more of a “live” recap with a few pointless throwaway matches to add fuel to the fire.

Bear with me on this one, but it felt like the original ECW One Night Stand back in 2005: by the time the last few shows were aired, you were either fully sold on the concept or never would be, making the aforementioned last few shows basically pointless. Granted that most pay-per-views arguably do this model, but usually WWE tries to add something a little extra on the last SmackDown.

I submit that the opening was perfect: not only did it extend the overall story, but it also built on the wacky teams temporarily formed on Monday, and the match itself worked awesomely in a vacuum, with everything else surrounding it pure icing.

But beyond the opening, nothing really happened. The promos—what few of them were there—were pointless at best and nonsensical at worst. The Ambrose/Jericho angle was cute and unexpected, but that one, too, was already pretty sold: all we really accomplished there was watching how the weapons would be retrieved and used to get to warm up to the “new” Asylum Match gimmick. Entertaining, sure, but it wasn't going to change your mind if you're not paying attention. And if you're not paying attention, you're not getting Extreme Rules anyway, so who cares?

The matches meanwhile were all right, though a lot of them had out-of-nowhere finishes. That's great for unpredictability on a weekly show without anything on the line other than building a wrestler's momentum, but as a lead-in to the pay-per-view... eh, not so much.

At the end of the day, tonight's episode wasn't bad at all—the opening is absolutely worth watching, and you need to YouTube the shit out of it—but it was ultimately a clip show, like a desperation episode of a 90s sitcom.

Wait, this article is on the Internet. Let's just go with “Meh” and leave it at that.

Hopefully (and almost assuredly) Extreme Rules itself will fare much better. I'll watch it on Sunday, but I'll come back to Online Onslaught and read Rick's always-insightful commentary too shortly after it concludes. You should too!

Episode Grade: C+