I was going to write the precap this week with a little self-promotion. Just a little blathering about my personal goals and ideas as a writer, and how much I like the English language.

But... Balls Mahoney, Chyna, and Prince. Damn.

But Miz gets down to business and grills Styles: did he give the order for his friends to attack Roman Reigns on Monday? Styles pleads innocent, but Miz doesn't quite believe it: did Styles at least not tell them to not attack Reigns? In other words, did Styles's inaction cause it to happen?

Styles dismisses that; he says that Anderson and Gallows can defend themselves and are responsible adults. And besides, Styles doesn't need them to help him; he'll beat Reigns regardless.

Miz continues to call bullshit, submitting that sure, Styles might “out-wrestle” him, but Reigns is huge and strong, so Styles needs all the help he can get. But Miz concludes his blathering by (intentionally) misquoting “You can't handle the truth,” so Maryse asks him to change it to a Will Smith movie quote. Which he does, before also firing off a Han Solo line, which apparently moistens Maryse's panties enough that she can't stop herself from making out with Miz in front of everyone.

When Miz finally gets his libido in check—and frankly I can't blame him, since if I had a wife as hot as Maryse showing off that much cleavage, I'd probably be unable to focus much myself—he turns his attention back to Styles. But Styles ditched the mic during the public display of affection, and instead punches the shit out of Miz.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Ryback defeats Kalisto by pin. Solid match. Definitely not as objectively good as their previous matches, but they weren't going for topping themselves. The match absolutely did its job.

Early power and roughneck offense by Ryback without much of an answer for a few minutes, all the way to the break. First move back was a long delayed superplex from Ryback, which was a hell of a sight. Kalisto finally got a breath when he was tied up in a tree of woe but still dodged a charging shoulder from Ryback. Ryback went shoulder-first into the post and (properly) oversold it by rolling all the way out of the ring. Kalisto didn't follow, but did attack when Ryback reentered the ring.

Kalisto became a flying kicking machine (or a kicking flying machine?) and kept Ryback down on his knees. His finish was a modified huracanrana which he hit while Ryback was on his knees, sort of making it a DDT. Pin, but only two.

Kalisto tried to continue the offense, but Ryback hit a Meathook Clothesline out of nowhere. After screaming “Finish it!,” Ryback teased the Shell Shock, but Kalisto countered it into a slick (and stiff-looking) spike DDT with extra torque. That would kill a lesser man, but Ryback kicked out at two. Another exchange that saw Kalisto go for the Salida Del Sol, but Ryback countered that into a quick Shell Shock. Damn, nice finish! It may have been non-title, but it was pretty fun, and it gives Ryback a reason for a title shot.

After the match, he stole the US Title from the ref just to pose with it, then chucked it into Kalisto's gut. Nice visual; I've totally become a Ryback fan at this point, though I have no problem booing him (for the right reasons) right now.

Segment 3: We were supposed to have a match between Dolph Ziggler and Baron Corbin. Dolph made the first entrance, but Corbin attacked Dolph from behind before he was fully down the ramp. Corbin chucked him head-first into every barricade, apron, and stairs he could find. After hitting his End of Days finisher on the black mats, refs hit brawl and pulled Corbin off him.

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: AJ Styles defeats The Miz (w/ Maryse) by pin. Solid match with a slightly disappointing finish in a vacuum that undermined the rest of the match, but it made total sense in story context.

The guys swap a couple exchanges early, but Styles gets the first big move with the always painful-looking Indian Deathlock. Styles couldn't hold, so Miz powered out and headed out of the ring to catch his breath. Styles followed and chucked him in the ring; Miz attacked a few times with strikes when Styles reentered the ring. But Miz couldn't hold momentum, and Styles took it back with a series of chops. Miz then took the momentum for the first time after hitting a running knee off an Irish Whip reversal.

Miz then went for dirty rest holds before trying a belly to back suplex, but Styles escaped that and landed a roundhouse kick. Miz once more bailed from the ring. Styles went to follow, but had to pause as Miz used Maryse as a human shield. Miz took advantage of the confusion to Snake Eyes Styles on the barricade, then chucking him head-first into it to take us to break.

Back, and Miz is still on offense with stomps in the corner. Miz followed up with an aerial strike but couldn't close the deal, so he went roughneck strikes from there with Maryse's encouragement. But then Miz got too caught up in the fans' booing to continue, and Styles started fighting back. Nothing doing from that effort, and Miz retook control.

Styles starting fighting back when the guys went to the top rope: Miz wanted a superplex, but Styles fought him off and eventually slipped out. In the next spot, both guys hit the always-painful simultaneous cross bodies. Styles was first to his feet and rallied, culminating a pump handle gutbuster for two.

Styles then signaled for the Styles Clash, but Miz fought out and just started shit-kicking Styles's left leg. When Miz went for an actual submission hold though, Styles reversed it into a flash pin. Only two, and Miz went back to the roughneck with a DDT. Still only a two, but he signaled for his finisher. Styles fought it off, then reversed to that fireman's carry to backbreaker with the Japanese name I need to look up. Still only two.

The fans weren't as into is as I thought they would be, even as Styles went to the top rope for a flying something. Miz reversed it into a reverse atomic drop, then locked in the Figure Four on the weakened leg. Styles couldn't reach the rope, but he did manage to reverse it, so Miz released the hold. Styles retreated to a corner; when Miz charged, Styles locked on the Calf Crusher out of nowhere. Now the fans got into it, but Miz managed to break the hold by grabbing the rope.

Miz then went for, I guess, the Skull Crushing Finale, but Styles reversed it to a victory roll for two. He tried to follow up with a Phenomenal Forearm, but Miz dodged it.

Miz exited the ring and decided to hell with this match, so he waved himself off. Maryse even went to fetch his Intercontinental Title. But then Anderson and Gallows appeared on the ramp, leading Miz to head back toward the ring. Styles was there waiting for him with a Phenomenal Forearm from ring to ringside that hit clean. Styles chucked Miz back in the ring, then hit a normal Phenomenal Forearm that was likely academic. Pin, three, done. Anderson and Gallows congratulated Styles on his win, but said nothing more.

Segment 5: RAW recap concerning Dean Ambrose and Chris Jericho's activities. Segue from that to the interviewer, uh, interviewing Ambrose and Sami Zayn about them facing Jericho and Kevin Owens in a tag match later tonight. Ambrose does his normal bizarre trash talking, which is entertaining as always. Zayn... goes a different route by complaining that Ambrose has rejected all his suggestions for a cool tag team name, such as Sambrose, and Sca Madness. Ambrose complains since he already set their name as The Rough Riders; Zayn complains that it doesn't make sense, but Ambrose probably already picked it from the list in WWE 2K16 and can't find the edit button, so that's what they're going with.

Segment 6: After ads, the interviewer finds Gallows and Anderson in the back. They once more deny that they're not in Styles's employ; they're just trying to make an impact. And they're going to really show that impact during their in-ring debut on RAW against the Usos.

Segment 7 [Tag Match]: Paige & Natalya defeat Team BAD by submission. Decent match, but too time-compressed. Wouldn't have minded seeing this go another five minutes and have an actual story being told.

Natalya and Tamina to start with some basic exchanges that boil down to power-versus-speed. Tamina soon tags out, and Naomi is able to win an exchange too before Natalya tags out to Paige, the hometown favorite. They work well with double teams and quick tags, though Natalya goes for the Sharpshooter too early. Naomi bails from the ring and lands a huge roundhouse out of nowhere when Natalya goes to follow. Naomi hits a high leg drop, but only gets a two.

Doesn't matter as Naomi tags out as she works with Tamina to hit a huge double-teamed clothesline. The heels then continue the offense with fast tags and double team attacks of their own. They can't close the deal, so they alternate in keeping Natalya contained with neck-targeted offense. Natalya finally breaks out after dodging a ground knee, which leads to double hot tags.

Paige is on fire as the fans cheer her on as she kicks the shit out of both her opponents, but she can't close the deal either. Naomi makes a go of defending herself but can't deal with Paige, who quickly puts her down with a Paige Layout. Pin for only one when Tamina breaks it up. No Pier Four Brawl here: Natalya just slides in and twists Tamina into a Sharpshooter as Paige locks Naomi into a Paige Tap Out. Naomi does the namesake as does Tamina, and that's the match.

Segment 8 [Singles Match with Goldust as the special referee]: R-Truth basically squashes Fandango. Goldust's ref shirt is black-and-gold striped. This makes me way happier than it has any right to.

Basic exchanges by both guys to open the match, but they stop during the third exchange to have a quick dance off. Goldust orders them to get to fighting, which causes them to share some pelvic swivels. Except Fandango gets a little too into it, and he eats a Lie Detector out of nowhere. After the match, Truth and Goldust share a little dance of their own, until Truth busts out that signature “jump really high in the air and land balls-first on the canvas,” at which point Goldust surrenders and runs the hell away.

Cute. Comedy matches aren't usually my thing, but Goldust is fucking amazing them at them, and Truth and Fandango are great playing partners.

Segment 9: Enzo & Cass, easily my newest favorites from NXT for obvious reasons, hit the ring with their standard introduction. Before they say or do anything more, the Vaudevillains are introduced and appear on stage, but they don't approach yet. Aiden English sarcastically calls Enzo & Cass gentlemen, while Simon Gotch is making this face:

Somehow, even his mustache is smiling. Here's a little known fact: when I meet a girl, I show her I'm interested by making this same face for the first twenty minutes as I listen to her. It's landed me one date in the last thirty-three years!

Anyway, English say Enzo looks like a rodent with mange. Burn, I guess? Enzo replies that if English wants to keep hating and hitting them insults, English and Simon Gotch can keep reading the books because Enzo will keep writing them. Yay, writing reference and a sick burn!

Simon Gotch then gives a little trash talk of his own, which is the first time I've heard him speak, and my god, the dude could sell car insurance with a voice like that. I wish my voice was even half that smooth.

English goes on that he and Gotch represent how awesome they are with class and dignity. (Enzo's response: “We got class, but it's like a half-day.” Bwa ha ha ha!) And at Payback, they'll prove it by standing over Enzo & Cass and properly pronounce an enunciate “How are you doing?”

Cass gets the last word in though by over-enunciating the rest of his speech by saying that, class or dignity or whatever aside, they're doing great... and they'll do even better at Payback, when they'll win the match and be the new #1 contenders to the WWE Tag Team Titles. Yay!

Cut Scene: I almost never recap these, but as Chris Jericho and Kevin Owens are WALKING~!, they run into two guys holding popcorn in plastic cups. For absolutely no reason, Jericho slaps the cup out of one guy's hand, then starts to leave. Owens steals the other dude's cup, eats a handful, and offers Jericho some, who politely declines. I have no idea why I found this absolutely hilarious, but I did, and it was a thing of beauty to watch.

Segment 10: Another Puerto Rico-themed vignette featuring presumably the reboot of Epico and Primo. I know she had her baby and everything, but if My Rosa Mendes isn't dancing sexily with them for their ring entrance when they make their in-ring returns, they lose brownie points.

Segment 11 [Tag Match]: Kevin Owens & Chris Jericho defeat Dean Ambrose & Sami Zayn by pin. Solid match with a sudden ending, which kinda hurt, but whatever. Zayn and... well, it was technically Owens to get started, but Owens immediately tagged out so Jericho had the honors. Heh.

A couple exchanges to open with both guys taking a “win.” Zayn took the second and kept Jericho held with an arm lock, then dragged him over to Ambrose, who tagged himself in. After another exchange from there, Jericho teased the Walls, and Ambrose teased Dirty Deeds, so Jericho just bailed entirely to take us to our final ads.

Back, and Jericho is doing a cocky pin on Ambrose. Not sure how we got there since they didn't show replays, but the heels keep Ambrose isolated in the corner with strikes and dirty offense. Ambrose slips a punch from Jericho and hits a false hot tag; Zayn goes house of fire on Jericho concluding with his jump-up top rope cross body but can't close the deal. He follows up with a bunch of strikes, but gets distracted by laying out and punching Owens. Though Zayn continued a few strikes on Jericho from there, Owens blind-tagged himself in, then pulled Zayn out of the ring and threw him head-first into the barricade with few punches as follow-ups.

Owens chucked Zayn back in the ring and used power strikes to keep Zayn contained. A tag to Jericho helped the heels maintain control, including a Lionsault. But Zayn got his breath when he hit a Blue Thunder Bomb out of absolutely nowhere, then made the true hot tag. So did Jericho, so Ambrose went house of fire on Owens, concluding with Owens throwing himself out of the ring thanks to an Ambrose dodge, and Ambrose followed up with his trademark suicide dive through the ropes. But when he got back in the ring, Owens had recovered and put him down with a big boot. Pin, only two.

We enter the end game as the guys exchanged punches, then Ambrose hit the Dirty Deeds out of nowhere. Jericho broke the pin, causing a Pier Four Brawl. Ambrose went to the top rope during the chaos, where Jericho pushed him off. Owens shot the half and... really? That's how it ends? Okay.

After the match, in his celebration, Owens jumped and hugged Jericho, and scissored his legs around Jericho's hips, sort of like what AJ Lee did separately to Kane, Daniel Bryan, and CM Punk years ago. I'm... I'm confused.

Final Thoughts: Pretty good night I guess, but it felt a little light on wrestling. I mean, we had some solid matches, but in order we had: an opener that was intentionally not as good as previous iterations, a good match with an intentionally odd finish that furthered the story, a decent match that wasn't given enough time to tell a real story, a comedy match, and a main event with a sudden weak ending. It was all just so weird and vaguely unsatisfying despite all the relevant stories moving. Is... is that sustainable episodic TV?

Well, whatever. We'll be back to actual live stuff next week, if memory serves, as WWE's overseas tour is done. Or maybe it's not, I don't keep track of that stuff. But I will say that WWE didn't acknowledge either Chyna's nor Balls Mahoney's deaths. The latter kinda makes some sense, but the former doesn't, especially given WWE.com's full treatment and tributes to her career. I'd wager that's just because of the spliced footage of having to deal with a European week, so I'm sure we'll get some on-screen closure this Monday. Hopefully.

Have a good weekend, everyone. I'll see you next week for another one.

Episode Grade: C+