Metal Gear Solid V is a game I always wanted but never knew existed, one where you're trying to make a fledgling little mercenary company and grow it into an epic world-changing powerhouse, but to get there, you have to run tons of side missions in the form of client contracts, all while scouting your potential recruits, and trying not to murder them while they're shooting at you just to knock them out and send them back to your base. The system has its flaws—notably that your home base feels a little dead, though you actually get to watch it grow—but it's incredibly unique and I've never seen anything like it before. If not for the recap, I would absolutely be playing it right now. Plus, it features a (albeit overly sexualized) badass woman character who, despite not speaking, can absolutely kick the ass of the main character without a second thought, and is completely game-breaking once you get her to trust you enough to follow orders. So awesome.

Hopefully all that badassness translates into manly points for me, to distract you from the fact I have a Skylanders addiction. I mean, problem. I mean, habit. Uh... interest? Yes, a Skylanders extreme interest.

I also have an extreme interest in WWE, so let's see how SmackDown went this week as we drive along the last few miles of the Road to WrestleMania.

Pre-Segment 1: Okay, so I know I'm breaking OO Bylaw #1 here, but it's significant to me. We cold-open with a recap of RAW featuring Roman Reigns beating the bejeezus out of Triple H. The thing is, they edited out all the crowd noise. Clearly, WWE continues to want us to think Reigns is the face here. I'm a fan of the guy, but I wonder how long WWE will try to hold onto that as the last few weeks go on.

Segment 1: And speaking of Reigns, he's here to open the show, and the fans... well, it sounds like there's a welcoming cheer, but there is a strong boo with it, so I don't know if that's a split crowd or edited cheers in the post-production. You can never know with taped shows.

Reigns cuts a pretty basic promo while he adds a new “because I can” catchphrase (referring to that he'll beat the crap out of Trips eventually for the title), and he keeps it incredibly short. Zero value added though. Moving on...

Segment 2: After another recap (this one regarding AJ Styles's and Chris Jericho's shenanigans), Renee Young interviews Styles in the back. Styles says it was great to beat the crap out of Jericho on Monday, but doesn't get to say more as Kevin Owens arrives to compare Styles to Sami Zayn, since they both “cry about friends turning their backs on others.” So then Styles calls Owens a jackass, and they affirm they have a match tonight.

Again, zero value added... except that Owens says that Styles and Renee “have the same haircut.” Tee hee, but was this really necessary? And, really, two opening promos? Blech.

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Dolph Ziggler defeats The Miz by pin. Above-average match, but nothing special.

A few pin exchanges to open without a clear winner, though Miz breaks the sequence by using chickenshit heel tactics. Miz starts to come back a bit by cheap-shotting Dolph on a “clean” break against the ropes. Then comes a silly moment where Miz hits a side headlock takedown, then Dolph sort of rolls against and reverses the position. It led to Miz's right shoulder being on the mat, and his left shoulder being on Dolph's shoulder, but the ref started counting anyway. Even Jerry Lawler called the moment out because of its silliness.

Regardless, the guys exchanged side headlocks, a more technical match than I've seen out of Miz in a long time. After another rapid exchange, Dolph attempted a dropkick; Miz caught it and turned it into a slingshot over the ropes; Dolph grabbed the top rope and skinned the cat; Dolph attempted a super kick but missed, yet went for a flash pin anyway. Only two, but it was a sweet little chain sequence.

Miz tried to escape the onslaught but Dolph kept him contained until Miz reversed a corner Irish Whip, sending Dolph chest-first into the corner. Miz followed up with a baseball slide to boot him under the bottom rope, sending him to the outside of the ring and us to our first ad break.

Back, and Miz is on solid offense with strong stompy-punchy moves. That transitions to a little dirty offense and rest holds that target Dolph's body. Dolph eventually gets his hope when he counters an atomic drop hold with a backflip and lands on his feet. He suckers Miz in to charge the corner and eat an elbow instead. Dolph goes on a rally from there concluding with a neckbreaker and a basic scoop slam. Dolph goes for the pin for some reason, only gets two.

The two exchange a few holds from there, and Dolph takes a huge big boot, but Miz can't close the deal. However, he signals for the Skull Crushing Finale, though Dolph slips it. Miz goes for a powerbomb, but Dolph rolls through and tries a victory roll. Only two, and before Dolph can retake his feet, Miz quickly wraps him up in the Figure Four.

Dolph wiggles around and grabs the bottom rope. The ref has to pull Miz away for the break, and Miz argues, giving Dolph just enough space to breathe. When Miz finally addresses Dolph, Dolph hits a superkick out of nowhere, and that's enough to get the pin.

Segment 4: Another recap concerning Ryback's shenanigans on Monday, followed by a pre-taped segment as Michael Cole interviewed Kalisto. Kalisto accepted Ryback's challenge for the US Title as WrestleMania. Again: zero value added, especially since the commentators just basically reiterated everything that was said in the twenty-second interview.

Segment 5: Another goddamn recap from Monday, followed by a second follow-up recap from Monday, both concerning Dean Ambrose. Jesus, is this SmackDown or Sunday Night Heat?

This is followed by yet another fucking pre-taped segment. At least this one is “new” and serves as Ambrose stands on a hill overlooking Cincinnati as he talks about how he learned to fight on the streets, and that that's why he's so totally going to overcome Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania. Look, I get it, and it's entertaining, and it was short... but what the fuck am I watching, professional wrestling or a series of minute-long motivational speakers on a clip show?

Segment 6: Ad break, then another clip as we see that Jacqueline is going into the Hall of Fame.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Bubba Ray Dudley (w/ D-Von Dudley) defeats Goldust by pin. Finally, another match! Holy shit!

The match opens with D-Von pulling out a table from under the ring, distracting Goldust and allowing Bubba Ray to Pearl Harbor him. Roughneck offense that targets the head from there, while BRD just keeps repeatedly calling Goldust a freak the whole time. Goldust gets a little bit of a false rally but eats an elbow, but he gets a true rally after with a series of lariats. Add in a ten-count corner punch series and a running bulldog, and Goldust goes for his first pin attempt. Only two.

BRD bails from the ring and runs around to the east side, where D-Von awaits. Goldust chases, and D-Von attempts a DQ-drawing clothesline, but Goldust ducks it and flattens D-Von with a punch. Meanwhile, BRD gets back in the ring, and when Goldust goes to follow, BRD kicks him in the face and pulls him into the ring. Then... he pins him? That fast? Really? All right. That was stupid... served its purpose for cheap heat against the Dudleys I guess.

Post-Segment 7: After the match, D-Von heads in the ring and beats on Goldust a bit. Then R-Truth hits the ring to make the save, but completely fails. So then the Usos arrive to make a second save, and the Dudleys bail before it can get too real.

So, okay, there's more fuel to the fire of their feud, but... meh.

Segment 8: Charlotte hits the ring with Ric Flair to chat about the Divas Title Match coming up at WrestleMania. Her two opponents are scheduled to arrive too to chat, but Charlotte gets the opening verbal salvo. She takes on a short trip through family pride, as the Flairs are all about championships, fighting their way to the top of their respective ladders to show off their skills and talent. But she throws a bone to Becky Lynch and Sasha Banks, telling them (in a surprisingly face way) that she owes much of her success to them. So she invites them to the ring to chat.

Becky is the first to respond and, my God, I'm not sure any diva in the history of the WWE ladies has ever made the jeans-and-tank top motif look as good as Becky is now. I'm not even sure My Melina or My Rosa Mendes could have pulled it off that well! Which, uh, is a statement that may cause some of you long-time readers to shoot me e-mails and ask if I'm on the verge of insanity, but there it is. (I have a feeling a certain humble webmaster will argue that Trish Stratus may have pulled it off better, but apparently I'm a sucker for Irish accents.) [Ed. Note: there is no reason to dwell on the past and how much better at everything Trish was. For the here and now, let's all just agree that Becky wins at Street Clothes. And it's not even close.]

Anyway, Becky hits the ring alone. Charlotte is surprised that Sasha hasn't appeared too, but knows she can always count on Becky. Becky agrees: Charlotte can count on Becky taking her title at Mania. Oh, snap!

And then Sasha hits the ring who, uh, does for leather pants and a midriff-exposing shirt what Becky just did for jeans and a tank top. Given that they're both excellent in the ring too, I'm going to need some smelling salts to recover from this by the end of the night, I think.

So Sasha's opening line is that she's The Boss, and therefore no one tells her when to show up anywhere. She concludes that with a subtle little grin that, in my mind, is her tiny rebellious way of indicating even she knew how stupid that line was, but said it anyway so the WWE “Creative” Team was happy.

Regardless, Becky and Sasha bicker for a second before Charlotte brings it back, talking up their days on NXT. Charlotte says that she once told Ric that Becky and Sasha were so awesome that she compared them to the Four Horsemen, that maybe they could be members of a new Four Horsewomen stable (pun not intended). According to Charlotte, Ric threatened to disown her over such a ridiculous notion, but capitulated due to his trust for his daughter. So Charlotte called Sasha and Becky here to apologize... to Ric for thinking they were worthy! Oh, double snap with cherries!

...Except Charlotte screamed the punch line, which was supposed to make it more intense and shit, but just came off really, really shrill. Ugh... less is more, “Creative” Team. Screaming isn't necessary to be menacing, unless you're intentionally trying to make Charlotte's character into a screeching shrew, and if the bar is set that low, you really need to rethink her character. Jesus.

Anyway, neither Becky nor Sasha buy into the bullshit, and respond like adults by just getting irritated about Charlotte wasting their time. Then Becky and Sasha put themselves over while insulting each other, including Sasha bragging that she's never been pinned since debuting on RAW or SmackDown. Now this is an argument I can get behind, since neither are being screechy. By the way, Ric ducked out at one point during this, so I'm sure we know where the argument is going.

Becky hits the finale insult by saying it takes more than an inflated ego and Dollar Store jewelry to be a Boss, which is fundamentally false in Walmart, believe me. Sasha doesn't agree with it either, shedding the aforementioned jewelry as Becky does does too. Sasha and Becky then shove at each other and bicker off-mic. Meanwhile, Charlotte does happy claps and smiles while bouncing on her feet, which was stupid: if this was her grand plan, she was a little too obvious about it, so Sasha and Becky turn their attention to the champ and punch her in the face. They each get in a suplex as well, then bark at her from in the ring. Sasha's music plays them out, which may or may not be telling, but Becky and Sasha do not come to blows with each other.

Other than Charlotte's overacting, this was a solid promo that helped fuel the fire. Quite entertaining and worth the watch.

Pre-Segment 9: The New Day hits the ring and, uh, they've got new props. Bags of... something. Guess we'll find out soon. Also, they've got another box of Booty-Os, which makes me ask: if WWE Shop can get off their ass and make a cereal, where oh where are my WWE ice cream bars?

Sigh. I miss Punk.

After a recap, because we haven't had enough of those yet, New Day grabs mics and say they're totally chill about their beatdown on Monday. At least, they say that in between Big E pretending to be super-pissed about the situation. Then they present the bags, which are just trash, saying that all four members of the League of Nations are just bags of hot garbage. Then they kick the bags of trash out of the ring; meanwhile, Eden Stiles is in the ring looking like she just wants her paycheck so she can get the hell out of there. I feel you, Eden.

I'm kidding; it was quite entertaining. But Eden's expression was priceless. [Ed. Note: Eden and New Day together are frequently awesome. I suggest all to google "Power of the New Day Unedited" and enjoy the subsequent 20 minute youtube. Yes, 20 minutes.]

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Kofi Kingston (w/ The New Day) defeats Wade Barrett (w/ The League of Nations) by flash pin. Short match and oddly paced thanks to a too-early commercial break, but it was entertaining.

Power versus speed to open, and that includes a one-man Unicorn Stampede for some reason. But Barrett bails before Kingston can do much, and that takes us to break almost immediately. Blech.

Back, and Kofi is in a false rally, presently distracted by everyone who doesn't belong, and Barrett big boots him off the apron and to the floor. They tease a Pier Seven Brawl, but no dice, and things get back under control in the ring.

Things settle down as Barrett uses power offense to do the damage and keep Kingston controlled. Kofi has another false rally as he counters an Irish Whip, deliver a few kicks, and even hit a wacky DDT to counter a Winds of Change to put Barrett down. Only two.

Wait, maybe that's not a false rally, as Kofi signals for a Trouble in Paradise. ADR runs distraction on the south apron, and Woods runs counter-distraction. While the ref deals with that mess, Rusev kicks off Kingston's head at the north apron, but then E is there to tackle Rusev off the apron and into the barricade. The best part about this entire sequence is that they used only the hard camera, rather than multiple camera cuts, and the direction ironically made it look more chaotic than it would have otherwise. Good choice all around.

Anyway, Sheamus moved to help out Rusev, and ADR dealt with Woods alone. In the ring, Barrett went for Kingston, who hit a spinning kick out of nowhere. The League then surrounded the ring, but New Day kept the illegal men at bay; Kofi even side kicked Sheamus off the west apron. Barrett moved to try to take advantage, but Kofi slipped it and rolled him up. Holy crap, that was sweet!

Segment 10: Dean Ambrose also went to a bar and talked shit about Brock Lesnar. Yay.

Segment 11: Sigh... RAW recap of Undertaker and Shane McMahon and Vince McMahon.

Segment 12: After that, we smash cut to the Social Outcasts sitting on the south apron. They put themselves over and insist they're going to win the Andre the Giant Battle Royal together. Then they bicker, and it's not quite as entertaining as the New Day makes it look.

Then Dean Ambrose arrives with a Kendo stick and single-handedly beats the shit out of all four of them with it. Curtis Axel is the only one who gets in any offense, but it's nothing as he uses them as pinatas to massive cheers.

With the Social Outcasts dispatched, Ambrose cuts another promo, though he brings up that Lesnar will be on SmackDown. As Ambrose sees it, Lesnar walked away from the fight last Monday, so Ambrose will be in the SmackDown ring next week, and hopes that Lesnar “has the baseballs to step up to the plate.” Guess we'll see... but, honestly, you really couldn't combine this with the other two pre-taped bits? Was this really the best way to get across your point?

Pre-Segment 13: Kevin Owens and AJ Styles hit the ring for their match. Then, guess what? ANOTHER FUCKING GODDAMN RAW RECAP. Because we're all goldfish.

Segment 13 [Singles Match]: Kevin Owens defeats AJ Styles by pin. Solid match, though due I think to the fact that this wasn't a PPV match nor an actual feud, you can tell both guys have another gear or two that they can fire up if they really wanted to. I would love to see this turn into an actual feud eventually, and I will mark out almost as hard as I did for the Summer of Punk.

A nice exchange to open the match that concludes with a sick and stiff dropkick from Styles, who followed that up with punches and knees. Owens got his first offense when Styles tries a springboard elbow, but Owen caught him and turned it into a stiff and nasty gutbuster. Styles properly oversold it and rolled out of the ring to take us to our final ads.

Back, and Owens has control with a sleeper rest hold applied. Styles tries to power out, but Owens just slams his head into the mat. However, when he goes to follow up with a running senton, Styles blocks it with double knees. Owens oversells it and falls out of the ring, giving both guys a breath.

Once they're back in the ring, Owens tries a punch. Styles ducks it and goes on a rally with lariats and forearms, then signals for the Styles Clash. Owens isn't having that yet and back body drops him, then charges him, but Styles takes the top rope with him, sending Owens to the outside. Styles follows up with a flying body press, then flings Owens back in the ring and does a... does a something. I have no idea what Mauro Ranallo called it, but it's Styles's trademark move that's a fireman's carry (or FU or AA or F5 if you prefer) to a backbreaker on the knee. It's sweet, though I wish it had a more American name, since I can't transcribe Japanese for shit. Anyway, Styles shoots the half, but only gets two.

Things settle down just a hair as both guys jockey for position, and it's Owens who gets the advantage when Styles whiffs on a moonsault, and Owens hits a Blue Thunderbomb (or whatever Mauro called it) to get a two-count. Styles kicked out and hit a no-look enziguri, but Owens answered with a stiff clothesline, and both guys went down for the count.

Both guys up and exchanging blows, but Owens wins it with a superkick. He tries an Irish Whip to a back body drop, but Styles reverses it into a Pele Kick. Only a two-count from that as well.

Styles takes a breath and heads to the top rope, but Owens catches him before he can ascend. They fight a bit on the ropes, and Owens teases a superplex, but Styles fights him off. Styles still can't do much and drops to the west apron, but he takes off his right elbow pad.

And then pyros go off as Chris Jericho hits the stage. Styles doesn't pay attention to what's going on, and he walks right into a Popup Powerbomb. Pin, three, done.

Post-Segment 13: Owens peacefully leaves, but Jericho has blood on his mind. He heads in the ring just to hit Styles with a Codebreaker, just to be a jerk. Then he calls for a mic and just does his little sarcastic “AJ Styles” chant to Styles's half-unconscious body. Heh.

Final Thoughts: When I first came up with the letter grade system we've been using at Online Onslaught for a couple years now, I mentioned that my definition of an F is a show that actively annoyed me with its bullshit. So now, I'm conflicted, because the number of fillers and useless promos—especially in the first hour—grated on my nerves like nothing else. If Rick watched last week's episode in 54 minutes flat, I'd be amazed if he didn't blow through this one in less while being on heavy fast-forward.

But... the main event was solid, the Kingston / Barrett match was good (even if a bit short and oddly-paced), the opener did its job, and the women's promo almost stole the show. Those four segments, together, were great for sustainable episodic TV.

But the filler. Dear god, the filler. I could go back and count how many RAW Rewinds and montages and pre-taped segments there were, but I don't want to, because it'll leave a sour taste in my mouth. Even Ambrose's presence was overdone with little accomplished, since intensity and beating up lower midcarders doesn't really help your case in the long run. Was this just a case of half the roster being overseas or unavailable or something? I certainly hope so, because the alternative—that this was the best use of WWE's time and pacing representing a good-faith effort—isn't fun to contemplate.

Regardless, I've done too many split-grades, so I'm going to come up with something new for this week.

Episode Grade: INC, because someone decided to only book half a show and fill the rest with pointless bullshit.