So, yeah, this will be an inconvenience, but it's for the best at the end of the day, and there won't be any reason to doubt that everything will go fine. You've got to love modern medical science: when life says that your knee is so damaged from arthritis and an old basketball injury, we can just scream “Fuck it: titanium!” and everything becomes better. And it needs to get better, because I need more cheesecake, and what am I going to do? Make it myself? Jesus, I'm not Superman here.

Anyway, so this will be a normal recap, and then next week I get to spend a day in a hospital to be moral support, and then we'll have another normal recap! Life will be fine.

Segment 1: Despite having a bad few weeks, including eating a Pedigree on Monday, Dean Ambrose is here. He's limping, but he's dressed in his civvies and looks pretty good, more or less. During his entrance, we see a kid who's got an “Ambrose for President 2016!” sign. I'd vote for him, especially if one of his campaign promises is that he'll push through a law giving us our own ambulance to drive.

He grabs a chair and sits in the ring, half-apologizing for his being “bounced around a bunch of medical services” lately taking their toll on his body. Ambrose recaps the last couple weeks, including the fact that he's got a shot at the WWE Championship in about a week on a special WWE Network show called Road Block. He makes a cute aside that the people in the back are freaking out since they've got all the WrestleMania posters and title cards and ads all ready and running, ones that advertise Triple H vs. Roman Reigns, but here's Ambrose here mucking it up for everyone.

Well, mucking it up is what Ambrose does, and he starts fantasy booking to give those of us in whatever-the-hell-job-this-is a run for our money. Will he face Reigns at WrestleMania, as is Reigns's right? Will Trips invoke a rematch clause? But what about Ambrose just wanting another piece of Brock Lesnar? Maybe all four of them will beat the shit out of each other in a fatal four-way cage match! The fans are on board with that last idea, and Ambrose concludes that anything can happen.

So Ambrose is going to take his time to mull over what he wants to do, but here's Kevin Owens to add his own two cents. Owens rhetorically asks what gives Ambrose the right to open the show, blathering like an idiot, and getting multiple big matches, when Owens himself is the Intercontinental Champion and doesn't have jack shit for either show. Ambrose suggests he should just be nicer to people, or at least more proactive in getting a match. Heh.

Owens enters the ring and rejects all his advice, then goes a step further and says Ambrose is everything that's wrong with WWE. Owens then shoves Ambrose lightly in the shoulder, nearly knocking him off the chair as Ambrose winces. Owens laughs at him, then goes to Ambrose's back, which is pointing eastside (i.e., in the direction of the commentators), just to ask if Jerry Lawler saw that. Another rhetorical question as Owens says if he wasn't such a nice guy, he'd totally take advantage of Ambrose's inability to fight. So, naturally, Owens immediately tries to take advantage of Ambrose's inability to fight.

Except Ambrose is watching the Titantron, and he ducks under Owens's attempt to smack him in the back of the head with the belt. (No really, Ambrose credits the Titantron for knowing when to duck it.) Ambrose counters with a stiff kick to Owens's gut, collapses the chair, and delivers a chair shot to Owens's back. Owens properly oversells it a bit, falling out of the ring and selling a broken spine. Ambrose wins the tiny battle, then challenges Owens to fight right then. Owens heroically runs away. Heh, again.

Segment 2 [Tag Match]: Sheamus & Rusev (w/ the League of Nations) defeat the Usos by pin. It's Sheamus and Jimmy to start, and Sheamus has a couple opening moves, but reverses an Irish Whip to start in some offense. They should have stuck with that strategy though, because when Jey tags himself in, he proceeds to eat a straight punch and goes down. Rusev tags in then and continues the offense, including a freaking dropkick that sends Jey crashing out of the ring on the east side. Sheamus is there to fling him head-first into the barricade, then celebrates with his buddies to take us to break.

Back, and Jey is still in trouble as Sheamus keeps him contained with rest holds and kicky-punchy offense. This includes the 10 of Clubs, which is still the 10 of Clubs to me, because screw “Beats of the Bullshit” or whatever. Rusev tags in after that but can't close the deal.

It's not much longer than that when Jey hits a wacky DDT out of nowhere to get a breath, and the double hot tags gives the faces a chance. Jimmy goes house of fire, then steals Cam Newton's dabbing for a second during the sequence. Rusev breaks a pin attempt, thus starting a Pier Four Brawl that results in two separate suicide presses over the east ropes, one taking out the non-participants, and the second taking out Rusev. Sheamus heads around the ring to try to make a save, but Jimmy is there with a super kick to put him down. Jimmy wants to hit a super splash from there, but a distraction from Barrett stops the momentum, and a Brogue Kick ends it with finality. Solid match.

Post-Segment 2: While the Usos recover in the ring and the League stands at the bottom of the ramp, the Dudley Boyz hit the ring. They've got a table, and League makes way for them. Jey attacks the Dudleys the moment they enter the ring, but he's wiped out from the match and makes no headway. D-Von sets up the table as the camera mic picks up that Bubba Ray tells Jimmy that this is now very personal. He big boots Jimmy to put him down, then kicks over the table because we don't get to see them anymore. Boo!

Segment 3: Recap of Stephanie McMahon cutting a promo against Shane McMahon from RAW, and we don't recap recaps 'round these parts.

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: Dolph Ziggler reverse-squashes The Miz by flash pin. Roughneck offense from the opening bell as he goes to try to break his record on Monday night for his fastest victory. Dolph doesn't play along even as Miz goes kick happy, including a corner charging knee... where Dolph catches him and turns it into a backslide out of nowhere. Well then.

So, overall it was a “bad” match in a technical sense, but it's all about the story, and it's a nice symmetrical moment from Monday. Also, Dolph really overplays the celebration, just to piss off Miz more. Cute.

Segment 5: R-Truth is getting some noms in catering, because us cool kids who do the Tumblrs say “noms” now instead of “food.” Because WWE is high school, the weird kid sits alone, so Goldust eats his noms by himself at a large table. Truth sits down next to him and apologizes for his mean words on Monday, then says that maybe Goldust has been onto something this whole time with the “Golden Truth” tag team suggestion.

Goldust may be a face-painted lunatic, but he has a heart, and Truth broke it. He's not an idiot, and assumes that Truth will just throw Goldust's food in his face if Goldust agrees to the tag team as some kind of ribbing. Truth promises he won't; Goldust responds by throwing his own food into his own face to head off Truth's theoretical prank, asks who the idiot is now, then leaves.

Aw. I remember that from my school days, too, buddy.

Segment 6 [Singles Match for #1 Contender to the Divas Title]: Becky Lynch draws with Sasha Banks by double disqualification. Even chain wrestling to open with a stalemate. Second chain fares no better, and the fans are pretty much 50/50 split on chants. Third sequence is a test of strength that turns to a wacky counter from Sasha, which turns it into a failed victory roll. Damn fine work there.

Things get a little faster and more open as both women exchange different submissions, including multiple arm bar counters from both. After exchanging a couple failed pins, they both go for dropkicks and technically the soles of their feet with each other, also a stalemate. Then they have to relax for a moment as Charlotte makes her entrance in her civvies, flanked by Ric Flair of course, though this takes us to break.

Back, and Sasha is in control with double arm bars. Becky breaks out eventually and delivers a few clotheslines as she his her de facto rally. Sasha fails a flash pin and eats a fisherman suplex, takes another pin but kicks out. But Becky had her Red Bull and continues with rapid knees and elbows until she whiffs a hip drop. Sasha charges with double knees to her face and floats over, but fails. Becky then goes for a schoolgirl pin; Sasha slips it and turns it into a Bank Statement, but Becky gets a rope break. Holy crap, this is a good match.

Sasha tries to carry her momentum with multiple running jumping knees, concluding with a shot while Becky was seated in the corner. Sasha shoots the half there, but doesn't close the deal. She (properly) overreacts here, frustrated that she can't get the win, though the crowd isn't buying it, which is an absolute shame.

Becky recovers from her near-fall by throwing Sasha off the ropes, then lifting her. Like, not literally, but she sort of channels Cesaro by throwing Sasha into the air before hitting a European Uppercut. Except either someone screwed up or they just don't have the strength (even to scale) as Cesaro does, because Becky waits until Sasha lands on her feet before actually throwing the European Uppercut. Weird, though the commentators sell it as a huge move, so fuck it. Shoots the half, only a two, Becky freaks out, crowd still doesn't give a shit.

The women go back to basics as they go for punchy-punchy offense, then Sasha tries a backslide, though Becky slips out before a one. The match spills outside the ring to the east, where Flair and Charlotte are watching. The women clothesline each other, both hitting the ground. At that point, Flair struts over them both and woo's at them. The women struggle to their feet and confront Flair, letting Charlotte hit them both from the back. Boo!

Charlotte finishes them both off, by throwing Becky into the barricade and fisherman's suplexing Sasha, before wandering off.

Overall, this match was more for story and had a fairly obvious conclusion, but the action was absolutely stellar. I'm hoping the crowd was just quiet because we all knew it was going to end in a draw, because their in-ring action was worth way, way more of a reaction than they got.

Segment 7: After ads, Charlotte and Flair are wandering in the back. Renee Young finds them and calls them on their bullshit. Charlotte ignores that and says that neither woman deserves it, which is why she attacked them. Charlotte verbally pisses on Renee by saying Renee should know this! Does Charlotte have to do Renee's job for her and get wrestling news scoops? HA HA HA HA HA!!!

...Except that Renee does have a scoop for her: she has to face both women in a triple threat match at WrestleMania. Renee, adorable as ever, passive-aggressively sticks the mic in Charlotte's face and asks if she or Flair have any comments on that. Both Flairs silently walk off in tears as we transition to the next segment, and Renee fully maintains her status as My Favorite Interviewer Ever.

Segment 8: RAW recap concerning Undertaker's appearance.

Pre-Segment 9: The New Day is out here for a match, but naturally they need to talk first. Specifically, they talk shit about Y2AJ, and how totally unfair it is that they're challenging New Day for the titles. The only way that could happen is if the event was a miracle.

Kofi even says it has to be a miracle! After all the world is a magical place! How else can we explain the sun? Or the moon? Or gravity? Or Jell-O? It can't be explained! Big E starts to say that, you know, Jell-O is just a treat comprised of a powdered mixture and water, but Kofi shushes him and insists it can't be explained.

Another miracle: that Xavier Woods is a success despite being from Atlanta, which is where they are. Somehow, Woods doesn't catch the backhanded compliment, though they get booed out of the building anyway. Heh. E finishes that the city should be called “Trash-Lanta,” and Woods even adds that the city sucks. Boo!

Regardless of all the miracles though, Woods insists that they're going to be our tag team champions even after Y2AJ's shot, and that's because New. Dayrocks.

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: AJ Styles defeats Xavier Woods (w/ New Day) by pin. Styles with the early offense with some kicky-slammy offense and quick pin attempts. He gets distracted with Woods's trombone playing, so he hits him with a suicide diving press. But then Kofi saves his buddy by hitting a baseball slide that knocks Styles head-first into the commentating table, which can't feel good. We go to ads from there.

Back, and Kofi is working on Styles's arm and shoulder with rest holds and kicks, including a one-man Unicorn Stampede. He even exits the ring to step around the ring post by himself for no reason. Damn, you're entertaining, Kofi.

More chin locks and shoulder locks from there to wear Styles down. Styles manages to break out of it by hitting a jawbreaker, then runs at the east ropes. Except Kofi recovered quickly and slides out of the ring, also on the east side, grabbing Styles's ankle on the way and making him slam his face into the canvas. Jesus, that looked like it hurt.

Kofi takes a break to celebrate with his buddies, then heads to the top rope. He tries a double ax handle, but Styles slips it and turns it into a back body drop, then goes on a mini rally with flying forearms and lariats, concluding with a fireman's carry to backbreaker; it has a proper name that Mauro Ranallo stated, but there's no way in hell I'm going to be able to spell it. Pin, but only two.

Kofi manages to recover from there and hits an SOS, but only gets two. Kofi takes a step back and readies a Trouble in Paradise but whiffs, and eats the no-look enziguri. Okay, it's called a Pele Kick, but I like my name better, as I am wont to do. Styles then tries a follow-up but gets back body dropped over the top. Woods is overzealous and “helps up” Styles. Nothing comes of it because the ref was paying attention, but proving that he's no fan of trombone music, he chucked Woods from ringside. He also flung Big E for no apparent reason, but hey, when you're a ref, you can get carried away. Kingston ran over to argue with the ref, but when he turned around, Styles came out of nowhere with his slingshot flying forearm. Pin, three, done with an excellent match.

Post-Segment 9: Woods and E hadn't quite gotten up the ramp yet when the match concluded, so they charged the ring once more when the bell rang. Styles saw it coming and exited the ring out the east side, but E exited north and Woods exited east, thus trapping Styles at the northeast corner since the black ring barrier is a magical force field. So Styles... uh, runs at Big E, then slides in the ring at the last second, then slides out the west side to get to the ramp. Huh, okay. Woods and E don't pursue as they check on Kingston, who may or may not be dreaming at this point.

Segment 10: It's randomly announced that Brock Lesnar will face Bray Wyatt at Road Block next Saturday. This smash-cuts to a Wyatt promo where Bray, as usual, talks a bunch of crazy bullshit. As always, it's incredibly entertaining, but if I try to transcribe it, Scientology will be calling me up asking for advice on how to be crazy.

Segment 11 [Singles Match]: Dean Ambrose defeats Kevin Owens by pin. Mat wrestling to start as Ambrose wins a couple exchanges, but he lightly sells his shoulder with pretty much every move. Shockingly, the fans are split about 80/20 for Ambrose, which makes me a little happy since I'm such a fan of Owens. After Owens powers out of a headlock, he just shoulder-checks Ambrose's shoulder, and Ambrose bails from the ring to get a breath. Owens taunts him as Ambrose psyches himself up.

Back in the ring on his own volition, Ambrose continues the technical offense as he works on Owens's arm and shoulder. He doesn't have the strength to maintain it though, and Owens easily powers out. Owens goes strike-happy as he works on Ambrose's gut. He only stops after the ref requires a break in the corner, but in his next charge, Ambrose dodges and quickly hooks Owens for Dirty Deeds. Owens slips it and bails, and that takes us to ads.

I'm going pause here to once more point out why I enjoy Owens so much. Mauro starts in with, “Ambrose is in control as we go to these messages!” right before the break. But as he says it, Owens, who is right there, gets pissed and tells him to shut up. Owens is so damn good about improv-ing when it comes to random talking (during matches or not) that he just constantly keeps you engaged with what he's doing. I can't look away because every little facial expression and word he says adds to his (character's) arrogance and attention-seeking, and I don't want to miss any of them because they're all hilarious, or at least entertaining. It's absolutely amazing, and that's just icing on the fact that he's a hell of a wrestler. I really, really like the guy. I honestly can't think of anyone who can improv like that aside from Big Show, though I've never seen Owens do that as a face. Actually, come to think of it, I've never seen Owens as a face. Has he ever been? Doesn't matter: he's so freaking entertaining as a heel that maybe it doesn't matter. I really hope he goes far with WWE, and that the Creative Team uses him correctly.

Anyway, we're back to the match, and Ambrose is heading up the ropes as we fade in. Whatever he was planning, Owens dodges; Ambrose lands with a roll and once more hooks in Dirty Deeds, but Owens drives him to the corner to break it. Owens continues the rib-targeted offense, including a senton drop. Pin, only two.

Barely any hesitation from Owens as he continues his striking and roughneck offense to weaken Ambrose further. The match spills outside, where Owens hits another senton on those INJURED AND TAPED~! ribs. But Ambrose doesn't say die and gets back in the ring at a 9.5... and Owens flings him right back out to fling him into the barricade. Then Owens, demonstrating what I just wrote, runs over to Mauro and demands Mauro to say on his mic that Owens is good. Mauro complies, then Owens heads over and grabs Ambrose. Owens starts to fling Ambrose into the ring, but then turns to Mauro and screams “Tell them again!” But in that split-second where Owens looked away to scream at Mauro, Ambrose recovered and flattened Owens with a lariat out of nowhere. Freaking beautiful! Very unique spot written into Owens's defining character tick.

Ambrose takes till five before he can pull himself to his feet, then slides in the ring. Owens slides in at eight, then charges right into an elbow from Ambrose. Ambrose slips another charge and sends Owens shoulder-first into the post, then goes for a schoolboy. Only two.

Doesn't matter: Ambrose goes for strike-happy offense, but he can't do anything with it as Owens cuts his momentum. Owens charges Ambrose, but Owens takes the top rope with him to send Owens to the west ringside. Then Ambrose decides to screw his injuries, and he hits a suicide dive through the ropes.

Ambrose flings Owens back in the ring, then wants another top rope move. Owens cuts him off, drives him down to the canvas, and hits the Cannonball. Somehow, this still doesn't get a three, though many in the crowd thought it was done then.

Owens throws a mini tantrum, then puts Ambrose on the top rope. Ambrose defends himself though and knocks Owens down to the canvas, then follows up with a top rope flying elbow. Big move, but still only gets a two. Owens bails to the east side, and Ambrose tries another suicide dive, but Owens had it scouted and catches him, driving him spine-first into the apron edge.

Owens decides he needs to do a little redecorating, so he clears off the table. By the time he finishes, Ambrose recovered and reentered the ring. Owens goes to follow; Ambrose hooks him for Dirty Deeds. Ambrose still lacks the strength for the move, so Owens powers out for the third time, then shoves Ambrose against the ropes to set up for the Pop Up Powerbomb. He executes the “pop up” part, but Ambrose counters the “powerbomb” part with a huracanrana. Owens takes it but rolls through, hitting Ambrose with a superkick to put him down.

Owens goes for another senton, but this time Ambrose blocks it with knees. When Owens tries to go after him again, Ambrose hooks Dirty Deeds once more. It took four attempts, but Ambrose finally hits it, and makes the pin. Excellent match!

Final Thoughts: I haven't seen too many SmackDowns lately that are top-to-bottom entertaining. Even without stunt booking or most of its main eventers, tonight's episode really delivered the goods. Tons of excellent wrestling, with only one match that was “bad” in a pure technical sense but, like everything else, absolutely served its purpose. Every match meant something, but something incremental. Tons of fuel to tons of fires, and you can't ask for more if you're aiming for sustainable episodic television. It's definitely worth a watch, no matter what you're a fan of, unless you only show up for stunt casting for some reason.

It's after midnight here as I conclude this thanks to a late start, and I think I've covered everything that needs to be covered. I'll be back next week for the last SmackDown before Road Block.

Episode Grade: B+