I haven't tried taking any melatonin yet, but tonight's the night, mainly because I work tomorrow—I try never to take new medicines the day before a work shift just in case—and I'm going to be up entirely too late working on stuff for my YouTube channel. This should, hopefully, give me enough cushion that I'll have time to work on my book tomorrow, because I'm perpetually in a fight with myself over the motivation to work on it. I really, really want my book to succeed... I just tend to hate myself and have zero confidence it will.

Actually, it's for that reason I'm slightly nervous about the melatonin. I did my due diligence since I've never taken it before, and apparently melatonin can increase depression-like symptoms. Apparently it's an incredibly low chance, and I'm not worried about it, but... well, I already have enough depression-like symptoms. I don't need more, you know?

But before I can take melatonin and hopefully get some sleep, I've got a recap to write! And after Shane McMahon's appearance on Monday, I'm excited to be a wrestling fan again for the first time since like 2001! Let's roll...

Segment 1: It's Triple H out to open the show after a recap of the main event at Fastlane, but the recap didn't include Trips beating down Roman Reigns on Monday. Weird. I'm sure that'll come soon.

Ah, called it, since after Trips's preamble, he brings up the aforementioned beating, and we get a recap of that too. Trips says he did it to remind Reigns who he (Trips) is, and the kind of carnage he can do, after Reigns “attacked him a couple months ago.” I honestly can't remember to what exactly he's referring, but it serves the purpose.

Trips comes with some visual aids, showing us pics on the Titantron of Reigns post-surgery, then blathers about how he understands how we're confused that Trips is so strong since we can't get past his suit. He is The Authority, and though we all want to fight it—as he himself did a decade and more ago—but we can never beat Authority, so we all have to get in line. And Reigns shows that if we don't get in line, he'll crush our souls.

Trips then blathers about the title, and that he's had to spill blood, sweat, and tears for it. He says that Reigns has given the sweat, since he works hard. And to demonstrate that Reigns has given the blood, he pulls out the bloodied hand wraps out of his suit jacket, which is at best really gross, and at worst a biohazard. Trips finishes that he's going to get Reigns's tears at WrestleMania, because he's that. Damn. Good.

Well then... that wasn't much progress. Entertaining enough I suppose, and it got the fans booing him unlike Monday. We'll see if it lasts, but I have to say, Trips is great at playing the heel, and promos like that will help carry the story even when the fans want to rebel against it.

Segment 2 [8-Man Tag Match]: The League of Nations defeat Neville, Dolph Ziggler, & The Lucha Dragons by pin. A Pier-Eight Brawl breaks down literally within five seconds, and the schizophrenic camera doesn't let us see much of any specific pair-up. While the heels are chucked from the ring, the Lucha Dragons try twin suicide dives, but their targets, ADR and Rusev, blocked their attempts and floor them. This gave the heels a chance to contain Ziggler, the legal man, and Barrett took him down with the Winds of Change. Shot the half for two, then taunted with his buddies as we went to break. That's a hell of a way to open the match!

When we're back, Ziggler is the face in peril as the heels use quick tags to contain him. But when Sheamus decides to scream “Are you not entertained?” after his flurry, Ziggler recovers just enough to hit a superkick, then hits the hot tag to Neville, who goes house of fire against just everyone. Barrett was the legal man at that point, and Neville headed to the top rope, ostensibly for the Red Arrow. Sheamus jumped in the ring and sprinted to the corner, so Neville called an audible and hit a freaking 450 Splash over Sheamus out of nowhere to land on Barrett. Let me tell you, “450 Splash out of nowhere” is not a phrase I thought I'd ever write, but here we are, and I'm damn happy for it.

Still, Neville couldn't close the deal thanks to Rusev's interference, which led to another Pier-Eight Brawl. But this time the Lucha Dragons double-teamed Rusev, taking him (and themselves) out of the picture. Meanwhile, Neville did hit the Red Arrow on Barrett, but when he shot the half, the ref got distracted by Sheamus, so ADR arrive to kick Neville in the face and break the pin. Ziggler dispatched ADR, but the damage was done as the ref turned around. Barrett tagged in Sheamus, who hit the Brogue Kick, and made the pin for three. Excellent match, and the faces don't really lose anything from it.

Segment 3: In an Earlier Today segment, Renee Young interviewed Kevin Owens, who recaps how badass Dean Ambrose was in dealing with Brock Lesnar on Monday. Sounds magnanimous, and Owens is so totally impressed that he's so willing to let Ambrose have a shot at the Intercontinental Title tonight.

Yeah, about that... Renee reminds him that Ambrose isn't at SmackDown tonight. Owens doesn't bother feigning surprise and just says that since he's beaten everyone else in WWE, and only Ambrose deserves a shot at the title, then he gets a night off too. Imagine that. Then Owens giggles, or guffaws, or something, in a perfectly douchey way that makes me like him. I've mentioned before: at the risk of being a wrestling hipster, I liked Owens back when he was Kevin Steen in Ring of Honor, and I respect his seemingly effortless way he works a mic so much that I can never bring myself to boo the guy. Heel or not, I'm a big fan of his.

Big Show apparently is not a big fan, as he arrives to interrupt Owens's interview to point out that Owens hasn't beaten him yet. Show jokingly wants a match; Owens jokingly suggests that he only wants it because he doesn't want to be on the Road to KOMania, but the Road to Retirement. Show laughs, then grabs Owens by the collar and dresses him down before revealing they have a match tonight. Owens becomes much less happy as the segment ends and we go to break.

Pre-Segment 4: After entrances but before the next match, the Dudley Boyz cut a short generic promo, aside from Bubba Ray reminding us that we're never getting any tables today, because they're not a circus act. So we can take our tables and chants and shove them all up our asses. Boo!

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: D-Von Dudley (w/ Bubba Ray Dudley) reverse-squashes Jimmy Uso (w/ Jey Uso) by flash pin. This could have been something. But the promo was longer than the match, so it was nothing. Some chicanery gave the heel the win, and that's pretty much all you need to know.

Segment 5: Recap of Shane McMahon's return. Also, Undertaker is going to be on RAW, so we'll be soon hearing what he thinks about this.

Segment 6: Chris Jericho and AJ Styles will be part of a 6-man tag match later. In the locker room, Jericho basically tries to hype Styles, and assemble a semi-permanent tag team with him so they can chase tag gold. Styles is on board, but they need another partner. After a Funaki joke, Mark Henry arrives and volunteers himself for the job. Jericho agrees, not that he probably has much of a choice.

After that is Big Show's entrance for the next unrelated match, but Jerry Lawler dubs their team “Y2AJ.” Catchy.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Kevin Owens defeats Big Show by countout. Show with all the power offense to open, though he quickly falls to a low dropkick. Owens sticks with punchy-kicky offense for about thirty seconds until Show gets bored and starts his own punches, followed by a corner super chop. Owens sort of calls time out and leaves the ring to catch his breath, then soon enters to take a chokeslam.

Owens landed near the north ropes and rolled out of the ring. Show follows just to fling him back in, then, uh... goes to the middle rope? Well, that was a bad idea, as Owens chases him up there. They tangle on the top rope, and while Show shoves him off, he falls off the ropes and crotches himself on the top rope. Show spills all the way out of the ring, Mike Chioda makes a fairly quick count, and that's that. Owens, not believing his luck, grabs his title belt and hauls ass up the ramp before Show can recover. Lame match, but it works for the story.

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Natalya squashes Becky Lynch by disqualification. This match was nothing but a storyline means to an end.

Technical chain wrestling to start, though before that Lawler wasted our time with information about that E! show which shall not be named. Anyway, Natalya gets the first true “win” by landing a solid German Suplex that sent Becky out of the ring. Then BAD hit the ring and attack Natalya, drawing the DQ.

Post-Segment 8: That just cleared the way as they then target Becky, which works for a nanosecond before Sasha Banks hits the ring to successfully make the save. They quickly clear the ring with basically no effort.

Then Charlotte pops out onto the stage to announce that there's a #1 contender's match to the Divas' Title on Monday, one between Becky and Sasha, and Charlotte will be front. So, I guess fuck Natalya, then.

Pre-Segment 9: An incredibly awkward moment here as R-Truth makes his entrance to the ring, but stops his rap once he gets to the apron. Then, uh... total silence aside from his music. It was really weird. The commentators said nothing, and there was no crowd noise, nor any ambient noise. The hell? Did one of the commentators say something that needed to be retracted?

Anyway, right before the match starts, Goldust's music fires up, and Truth's not-yet-bestie hits the ring to give him some support.

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: R-Truth (w/ Goldust) defeats Heath Slater (w/ the Social Outcasts) by flash pin. So... this happened. Nothing really necessary to talk about except the ending, when Goldust assisted R-Truth by slapping Slater behind the ref's back, stopping his resistance to a back slide. Truth saw the replay and was okay with the assist. It's not a total conversion, since Truth is still struggling with Goldust's weirdness, but it's a step.

Segment 10: Recap of Brock Lesnar's and Dean Ambrose's activies from RAW.

Pre-Segment 11: The New Day hit the ring for their match, blathering as they do so. Big E calls their opposing team “Y2AJ” as well, then calls them “moist.” Ew.

More blathering ensues, including Xavier Woods stating they all take baths together. Kofi Kingston didn't deny it, so if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go drink some bleach to chemically remove that mental image.

Segment 11 [Six-Man Tag Match]: Y2AJ & Mark Henry defeat The New Day by submission. The faces, especially Mark Henry, has all the offense early. Henry himself pretty much eliminated everyone on his own, though Jericho and AJ worked together to deliver tandem vaulting presses to take us to break.

Back, and Woods is taking about 100 chops from Jericho. It works for a while, but soon some chicanery behind the ref's back gives the heels momentum, including the Unicorn Stampede. It was such a heel beatdown that it took AJ to break up a pin after a combination leg drop and splash from Woods and E.

Jericho gets a break when he hits a enziguri out of nowhere, then hot tags to AJ, who obliterates Woods. A pin is broken by E, thus starting a Pier-Six Brawl. During that sequence, Kingston had a Trouble in Paradise lined up on AJ. At the last second, Jericho took the kick by shoving AJ out of the way, saving is partner but taking the damage instead. Styles nearly took a flash fall from Woods but defended himself, applying the Calf Crusher out of freaking nowhere. Woods tapped in a nanosecond.

Final Thoughts: Not a bad episode and some sustainable episodic TV, but there was a lot of filler, and none of the matches were all that great. By the time the main event started, I had sort of checked out of the episode. It's no reflection on the six guys in the main event, just that WWE wasn't doing anything to really hold my interest. Even New Day's promo was subpar. And not just “subpar for them” (which is still better than half the roster), but subpar for average WWE promos. So, I guess you can classify this under a “should skip,” since all you need to know about what happened can be gleaned from the body of the recap, and you're not missing anything by ignoring the matches.

Also: that excuse for a divas match? Pathetic. Fuck you, reality TV.

So, that'll do it from me. I had a late start on the recap, so I'm exhausted and may not have time to do my video editing tonight. Bah. Hopefully I can at least start it before downing a little melatonin. Hopefully you can get a good night of unaided sleep, and I'll see you in a week for another SmackDown.

Episode Grade: D+