You notice beyond this, and I've been writing and typing for so long in my life that I can push through something as silly as a... whatever the hell I have. But my god, all I want to do is go back and sleep, though that'll mess up my sleeping pattern even worse.

Blech. I'm sure SmackDown will wake me up inside, wake me up inside, and save me from falling asleep at my keyboard. Let's roll...

Segment 1: We need to feel the power and celebrate our two-time champs, The New Day. Big E still manages to break physics by doing a weird double dutch-like hop step going down the ramp, but while keeping his body above his waist still. It's like combining skipping with river dancing, a phrase I'm pretty sure has never been written before in the history of Man. Then there was a camera cut to the commentators, and when it cut back, E was in the ring making snow angels. Jesus, just one of these guys has more energy in his little toe nail than I do in my entire body.

While they finish their entrance—assisted by Francesca II of course—we get a recap of RAW when The Rock played with them. I have to say, during that segment, the instant I heard TND's music, I knew it would be great, and I wasn't disappointed.

Regardless, we don't recap recaps around here. After the video package, all of TND has mics, and they call for shame on Rock for beating them up. A few lines later, Kofi Kingston calls him “Doo Doo Mouth Dwayne” since he had the audacity to say “penis” on a PG-rated show. Heh.

The Miz pops out then and shares New Day's irritation at The Rock, since Rock upstaged him on Monday. He demands respect and lack of interruptions.

So naturally he's interrupted by the Usos, who have a cute little improve moment. They pop out and say “Whoa” repeatedly like The Rock is known for, but they do so by punctuating each “Whoa” with a hand thrust. The fans instantly start singing along, and the Usos notice, so they just start hand-thrusting in silence and let the fans do the work. I tittered, because I'm easily entertained.

The Usos hit ringside with and gently harass The Miz. New Day defends him and insults the Usos' back, then rubs in the fact that they beat the Usos at Royal Rumble. Kofi then points out that they outnumber the Usos 4-to-2, and there is no Rock tonight.

Well, Usos have backup though. They call in Titus O'Neil and Dolph Ziggler to even the odds. They rush the ring, the heels bail, and we go to commercial. Cute opening to the show, and it didn't outstay its welcome. Actually, the fact that it was so entertaining—as opposed to a late-90s droning Triple H promo kind of thing—means I wouldn't have minded it going even a little longer. Good stuff.

Segment 2 [8-Man Tag Match]: Titus O'Neil, The Usos, & Dolph Ziggler defeat The Miz & The New Day by pin. Good match and entertaining, but nothing special. It was prefaced with a video montage of O'Neil helping out some inner-city school kids, and showing that they were in the audience, so it was fairly clear who was going to win.

The faces have full control of Miz to open the match. When he tags out, Kofi doesn't do any better until Dolph Ziggler comes in for the faces. Dolph does what does best: get his ass kicked and sell it all like he's facing Brock Lesnar in a Kofi-sized package. Big E gets in then and goes for power offense, and Dolph is contained.

It doesn't last long as Dolph slips out of a back body drop and hits a false hot tag to Jimmy Uso, who goes hous of fire on E before single-handedly clearing the apron of heels. But then E recovers and hits a belly-to-belly suplex that also sends Jimmy legs-first onto the heels' bottom turnbuckle, which causes double damage based on the physics of professional wrestling. The heels take control as we go to ads.

Back, and the four heels are doing the... really? “Unicorn Stampede”? I still like my “Merry-Go-Stomp” better. When Miz caps it off with a running clothesline, Woods whips out Francesca II for a little celebratory music.

The heels continue their momentum for a couple minutes until Jimmy gets a hot tag to O'Neil who goes house of fire. This breaks down to a Pier Eight Brawl ending in Miz eating O'Neil's finisher spinebuster. The other heels were indisposed, so Miz took the pin as well.

Segment 3 [Singles Match for the United States Title]: Kalisto defeats Neville by pin, and retains. Solid match and definitely worth a watch.

Full boxing intros for this one, and their opening chain wrestling was so quick and insane that I'm fairly certain Kalisto spent more time upside-down and walking on his hands than actually on his feet. The first big move oddly enough was outside the ring when Neville teased a powerbomb against the corner barricade, but Kalisto reversed it with headscissors. Both guys slightly oversold it, and when they got back to the ring, we went to ads.

Back, and Neville finally gets his powerbomb as a counter to a springboard huracanrana attempt. That starts a de facto heel beatdown as Neville goes for punchy-kicky offense. It's clean, and the fans seem neutral. Or bored. Probably just neutral.

They perk up when Kalisto recaptures momentum and executes a sick move: a top rope super-Frankensteiner. Both guys were standing on the top rope when Kalisto jumped from the top rope to Neville's shoulders to perform the move. Holy shit... the balance that has to take... After Kalisto landed, he shot the half, but only got two.

Once both guys got back to their feet, Kalisto tried something but was blocked, and Neville counter with an enziguri and additional kicky-kicky offense. He then tried a belly-to-back suplex but Kalisto reversed it to a sunset flip. Two, but a kick out. Neville went for the same move, but Kalisto reversed it by twisting in midair and turning it into a modified Salida del Sol with a floatover. Pin, three, done.

After the match, they guys didn't shake hands so much as giving each other a low-five, but either way, a sign of respect for a good match.

Segment 4: Chris Jericho hits the ring for the Highlight Reel. He lightly recaps the Royal Rumble, then introduces his first guest, Dean Ambrose, who hits the ring hold a plant that I'm 100% sure he dug up from a public park five minutes before coming to the arena. Before Ambrose gets to speak, Jericho introduces Roman Reigns as his second guest. Reigns didn't bring a gift; I'm sure Jericho's heart will break.

Oh wait... as both guys get in the ring, Reigns grabs a random wooden stool from ringside and says that's his gift, so the Highlight Reel set is a little more pretty. Jericho thanks them, but gets down to business: is their friendship affected since they're both in a triple threat match for the WWE Championship? Reigns is certain it won't make a difference, especially since both guys have been all over the business. Ambrose agrees: friends usually fight over all kinds of things but they don't, because they don't have time for that nonsense.

Jericho asks what happens to that friendship once the bell rings? Ambrose without missing a beat says he'll punch Reigns right in the mouth. Reigns just laughs and says, “You just gave away your strategy!” Heh.

Jericho then brings up Lesnar, since he's a huge wrench in any strategy Ambrose may have, especially since Ambrose has never faced him. Ambrose shrugs it off; he concedes that while Lesnar is the most destructive force in WWE, Ambrose is indestructible. He might be taken to Suplex City, but given that a trip to WrestleMania is on the line, he's not scared of Lesnar.

Reigns loses his smile as he tries to sell Ambrose on just how threatening Lesnar is. Ambrose nods, but then points out that he doesn't need to beat Lesnar; he just needs to beat Reigns. Reigns smiles and replies that it would be the first time, since he never has before.

Ambrose smiles then too as the crowd gives a “Oooh, burn!” kind of reaction, and they glare at each other. But their glares turn to the stage as all four members of The Wyatt Family arrive without much fanfare. Bray Wyatt has the mic and says they had promised to bring the apocalypse, and they have: by eliminating Lesnar at the Royal Rumble. I think Bray needs a dictionary to find the meaning of the word “apocalypse.” Reigns isn't impressed either, saying neither he nor Ambrose have any idea what he's talking about, and invites the Wyatt Family to the ring to “finishing speaking with their fists.”

Bray declines as he vaguely threatens Chris Jericho as well for no reason, then says that he and two of his brothers will face the three of them tonight, and they'll take all three faces down forever. We'll see about that.

Pre-Segment 5: After ads, all four of the Social Outcasts are in the ring. They say that after RAW, they should have been the top trend on Twitter since they so totally insulted Flo Rida, but instead, it's AJ Styles who is trending, and none of them are happy about it. Curtis Axel is especially unhappy, since Styles eliminated him from the Rumble after 364 days and 22 seconds of being in the Rumble (from since back in January 2015, since he was never eliminated back then). Heh.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: AJ Styles defeats Curtis Axel (w/ the Social Outcasts) by pin. Decent match, nothing special, but it certainly serves as a solid SmackDown debut.

Styles inflicted all the opening offense, a sequence that sent Axel onto his back near the north ropes. Styles grabbed Axel's legs to drag him back to the center of the ring, but Axel grabbed onto the apron lining. Somehow, according to Referee John Cone, this forces a break; Styles looked just as confused as I was, but Styles didn't want a DQ, and complied. As they sort of reset, Axel nailed Styles with a low kick, and took momentum.

Axel went punchy-kicky-slammy for offense for a minute, but whiffed a diving elbow off the second rope. Styles then hit a flurry of strikes, including a corner Pele Kick from the second rope. Pin, but only two.

That's when the other Outcasts got involved with various distractions, which didn't work as Styles took Slater and Bo Dallas down with a suicide senton dive over the top rope. Styles then hopped on apron and wanted a springboard something-or-other on Axel, but Axel countered with a kick to his gut. Axel teased a Perfect Plex, but Styles slipped out and countered with a standing Pele Kick, followed by the Styles Clash. Pin, three, done. Styles then bailed as the other Social Outcasts slid in the ring to support Axel.

Pre-Segment 6: Boy, have I missed Natalya, and the ponytail look is incredibly fetching. Mmm.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Charlotte (w/ Ric Flair) defeats Natalya by submission. Decent match (not just “for the divas,” but an actual decent match), nothing special, and a little too short. I'm hoping this is just Chapter 1 of a Natalya revival, and even for a short as the match was, it's clear they play really well together. I want to see more.

Good chain wrestling between the women to open, with Natalya winning the second and third exchanges. Charlotte decided that was enough and leaned out through the ropes during the flurry, causing the ref to step in and halt Natalya. Natalya argued with him... for two seconds, until Charlotted managed to kick her in the face despite the ref being in the way, missing the official by a whisker. And thus, the heel beatdown was on.

After a few strikes, Charlotte locked in an abdominal stretch, though Natalya broke it and reversed it into an abdominal stretch of her own, one-upping it by hooking Charlotte's leg as well. As Charlotte fought out of it, Natalya turned it into a back slide, but Charlotte rolled through and went back on offense with a few chops.

Charlotte whiffed on a chop and Natalya went with a flurry, including hitting the Nattie By Nature and following up with a good German Suplex. Charlotte bailed from the ring but Natalya went to follow, and tossed her back in. Ric Flair fired off a few Woos at her, distracting her for a moment. No contact or unwanted kissing here as Natalya got back in the ring, but the delay was just long enough for Charlotte to recover and hit a chop block to Natalya's ankle as she reentered the ring. Charlotte quickly applied the Figure Eight from there; Natalya resisted as she groaned in pain, but oddly she didn't do anything to make it look like she was attempting to break out of it. Natalya finally tapped and took the loss.

Weird. I would figure she should have at least, like, wiggled her shoulders or something to make it look like she was trying to escape, rather than just lie there and take the move. Maybe wiggling in that move would throw off Charlotte's balance and make it look worse? Ah, whatever; it doesn't take away from the quality of the match. Welcome back Natalya, even if you're starting the next phase of your career with an L.

Post-Segment 6: After the match, Charlotte applied a Figure Four just to add insult to injury. Natalya showed more spark in trying to break it, but lacked the strength. Becky Lynch then hit the ring, scaring off Charlotte and sending her running despite no contact.

Legit Injury Update: Nikki Bella apparently had a fully successful surgery to repair a herniated disc. Still way too early to determine if or when she'll be back in the ring, but this is certainly good news.

Segment 7: In an “Earlier Today” segment that has nothing to do with the Bellas, we see R-Truth and Goldust jogging together somewhere out in a public park, both dressed in their full ring attire, though Goldust also wears a florescent yellow vest and a pair of florescent yellow short-shorts over his gold-and-black jumpsuit. Heh.

They stretch in what is easily the grossest way possible, and Goldust pushes harder for them creating a tag team called Golden Truth. Truth looks like he might consider it until Goldust pulls a groin during his stretch and asks for some help and a massage. Heh, again... I enjoy light awkward humor. Speaking of which, even Truth is a little too weirded out, which is certainly saying something, and he leaves Goldust in his awkward position without an answer to the tag team question.

Segment 8 [Six-Man Tag Match]: Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose, & Chris Jericho defeat the Wyatt Family (w/ Braun Strowman) by disqualification. Reigns and Rowan open, with Reigns getting the better of it and driving Rowan to the faces' corner. There, he tags in Jericho, who can't keep the momentum and quickly falls victim to Rowan's power. Rowan shoves Jericho to the heels' corner in a little moment of symmetry, and tags in Harper. Jericho takes a few strikes but slips a big boot to go on a flurry on Harper, including an attempted Walls. Too early though, and Harper powers out, but eats a few clothesline and several corner punches. However, Harper defends himself on the tenth corner punch, turning it into a front clothesline. Pin attempt, only two, but Jericho is on his back as we go to ads.

Back, and Bray is legal as he dominates Jericho. The heel beatdown is in its midst, and the heels rotate around to stay fresh while keeping Jericho isolated. Jericho finally gets a breath when Harper punches Reigns off the apron for no reason; when Harper charges Jericho in the corner, Jericho weaves and sends Harper face-first into the turnbuckle, then follows up with a jaw breaker.

Both guys down, and double hot tags to Ambrose and Rowan. Ambrose goes house of fire and keeps Rowan controlled with strikes and bulldogs, and even a driving elbow off the top rope. Bray gets involved too but Ambrose quickly dispatches him, then tosses Rowan over the top rope on the south side. Ambrose hits a suicide dive, tosses Rowan in the ring, and wants a top rope strike, but he eats a spinning heel kick from Rowan as a counter. Pin, only two.

Bray orders to be tagged in, and he teases a Sister Abigail, but Ambrose slips it and hits his Wacky Lariat. Double hot tags again to Reigns and Harper, and the former goes punch-crazy to Harper's face, ending the sequence with a big boot. Pin, two, then broken up by Rowan.

Pier Six brawl from there that quickly results in Rowan and Bray once more being sent to south ringside by Ambrose and Jericho respectively. They follow up with vaulting springboard presses as Reigns signals for the Superman Punch. Only then does Braun Strowman decide to get involved, and he hops up on the apron closest to Reigns. Reigns spots him and punches him off, but Harper quickly goes for a schoolboy pin. Despite a handful of tights, Reigns kicks outs, then follows up with a clean Superman Punch. Reigns shoots the half, but he's too close to the ropes, and Strowman pulls him out, thus drawing the DQ.

Strowman sends Reigns into the corner barricade; Ambrose sprints over to try to make a save, but that doesn't go anywhere. Jericho wanders over too and just gets flung over the commentators' table for his efforts.

The Wyatts regroup, and Strowman chucks Reigns into the ring, assaulting him into unconsciousness.

...Then the Big Show arrives? Whoa, kinda didn't see that coming. Bray quickly sends Rowan after him; Rowan takes a scoop slam, and Harper takes a throat thrust, putting them both down. Show then enters the ring and stares down Bray and Strowman. Bray retreats as Show and Strowman glare at each other. But Show doesn't attack, and Harper and Rowan attack Show from behind. This quickly descends to a 4-on-1.

Show goes down in a hurry, but the Wyatts once more care too much about preening. Reigns reenters the ring and tries a Superman Punch on Strowman, but Strowman counters with a throat grab. Bray retreats, while Harper and Rowan hesitate, giving Show time to recover. Show saves Reigns by grabbing Strowman by the throat, then sends him over the top rope. Bray tries a Sister Abigail on Reigns, but Reigns slips out and hits him with a Superman Punch. Ambrose and Jericho recover, assault Rowan, and flings him out of the ring.

Harper stands alone but won't run. Show grabs him and whips him to Reign's in the corner, and Reigns explodes out and splits him in half with a Spear. The heels bail, the four faces stand tall in the ring as Reigns's music plays them out.

Final Thoughts: That was a really exciting finish. I confess that toward the end of my hiatus from Online Onslaught, I hadn't been following Big Show too closely and didn't realize he had been teasing (or just straight up was) now a face again. If there had been any question, it was certainly laid to rest tonight.

In fact, the entire main event was really fun to watch. The match quality itself was strong but nothing special, but the weaving of a couple storylines and Show's surprise save was compelling. And while I care less for big man-vs-big man than I do for flier-vs-flier, I've always liked Big Show, and a feud against Strowman will be fun to watch. Specifically for tonight, watching wrestling for as long as I have, I get used to the pacing of post-match shenanigans. Tonight's main event altered the formula, since it felt like it was going to end about four different times, which is enough that I didn't know who was going to come out by the end of it. Good stuff; it's rare nowadays when WWE actually keeps me guessing and compels me to care.

So it was a pretty strong show that could be skipped, since other than Show's save and Lynch reinserting herself into the forefront of Charlotte's attention, there weren't any real storyline advancements. However, the action was good, the matches were all decent-to-solid, and it was entertaining. SmackDown also seemed more... focused, I guess? Only eight segments and not too many main eventers made appearances (even among the healthy ones), so what they did show was shown well, instead of too rapidly or too exhaustingly. Good stuff, WWE.

Even better, I feel a lot better than when I started this recap. I think I'm going to take it easy the rest of the night, so hopefully I'll be 100% in a day. Thank you all very much for reading; it's good to be back, and I'll see you next week for another recap.

Episode Grade: B