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SD!: ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW
Gliding into SummerSlam
August 21, 2015

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
Follow Pyro's Tweets on Twitter --/-- View Pyro's Videos on Youtube

 
What a difference a week makes.
 
While I write the recaps for you, occasionally I have to write the precaps for me. And in this case, I sort of have to speak in code, since the particulars don't matter much. Rick knows what I'm talking about here, which is really all I need.


Suffice to say, I've been haunted by a ghost the past five years, and unable to keep its cold grip off my shoulders. Last week I sat in an emotional low point, writing about suicide and why I was a diffident idiot. But “fate” had it that the ghost stopped being behind me, allowing me to engage it head-on. And for the first time in five years, I was given more closure than I thought I'd ever receive.

I do not have complete closure, and maybe never will. But the ghost is barely tangible anymore; I don't feel its touch, and the (say, 95%) closure I received brought me up higher than I have felt in a long, long time. This... this is good. Right?

Things are looking up. My stupid paranoid brain tells me that it's all going to come crashing down, because life sucks and more often than not enjoys spitting in your eye. But I'm trying to keep that paranoia in check, and just enjoy the fact that right now, I am more at peace than I have been since 2010. No matter how long it lasts, I want to hold on to this feeling and enjoy it.

It's all that's on my mind other than terrible “Eat Fresh” jokes that are wildly inappropriate. [Ed. Note: wildly inappropriate, and also, cathartically hilarious. The opening segment of "At Midnight" back on Thursday nailed the whole this-is-awful-but-we-must-laugh vibe.] So let's just move on to the recap, shall we?

Segment 1: It's, uh, Ryback to start the show? Huh, that's unusual, but I'm down. I like his milquetoast old school heel gimmick.

Oh wait, this is a match, and there's no talking first? Hell yes!

Segment 1 For Real [Singles Match]: Big Show and Ryback draw via double countout. Strikes-only opening from both guys, with Ryback getting the early offense. Show took the momentum for about five seconds before Ryback put him down with a belly to belly, then geared up for the Meathook. Note that the match has been on for like three minutes. Ryback went for it and just ate a Spear instead, though he only took a two.

Still, Ryback lost his momentum entirely. He tried to escape to the apron, but got baseball slid off it. The fight spilled to the outside, though Ryback answered back... by clotheslining Show into the timekeeper's barricade. This also magically caused a camera to malfunction, but regardless, neither guy answered the count.

So, definitely too short to be a real match, but it was about the story, and Ryback and Show are so totally equals. Let's see how that turns out Sunday.

Segment 2 [Six-Man Tag Match]: The New Day defeats El Torito & Los Matadores by pin. Inoffensive and nothing special, and I guess it gives TND some momentum as they head into the multi-team title match on Sunday.

Los Matadores with the opening flurries against Kofi Kingston and Xavier Woods. Their offense them took them to the break, which succeeded Big E pulling Kingston out of the ring on the south side to break up the run.

Back, and the heels are in control as they do some Merry Go Stomps for their heel beatdown. Whichever Matadore is in peril managed a hot tag, and El Torito then magically goes house of fire, even getting Woods in a pinning combination. But then Kingston broke it up and, in the ensuing Pier Six Brawl, E hit the Big Ending and the Big Splash on El Torito. The main Matadores were irrelevant at that point, and Torito took the pin from Woods.

Then Kingston magically produced a bouquet to give to Woods, because bromance.

Segment 3: Dolph Ziggler returns to SmackDown! Lana is on his arm as he hits the ring, and he says that it's so totally awesome to be back... with her. Aw! Just kiss, you lovebirds.

Dolph blathers in the usual way of being annoyed that he had to sit at home injured as he helplessly watched Rusev and Summer Rae emotionally and physically hurt Lana week to week. He desperately wanted to know if she was okay, so she called her, and her first response was “Let's CRUSH those bastards!” Giggles and cheers abound.

Lana grabs a mic and says that what she loves about Dolph is that he won't back down from any fight, and she won't either, which is why they make a great team. Dolph agrees, and declares she's totally a “bona fied badass.” Which is already awesome, but it gets a small but loud “BONE A FIED BAD ASS” chant. Nicely done.

Dolph finishes that he's glad Lana is beating the phony off Summer, and she replies that unlike Rusev, Dolph gets the real thing. Sloppy kisses abound.

But then Rusev's flag appears overhead, and Rusev and Summer pop out of the back. Rusev gives some strong (but generic) threats as a retort. Then he says that Summer is going to beat the shit out of Lana too, and Dolph will be helpless as he hears and sees her tears. And then Dolph will know what it's like to lose everything and will know true pain. He declares he'll totally stop her comeback.

Dolph screams back that his comeback hasn't even started yet; it will after he kicks Rusev's throat down his throat, and will steal his thunder as he steals his girlfriend, “the real one.” Uh, isn't the whole “stealing the girlfriend” the anti-reason they're doing this? Since she, you know, chose to leave Rusev and be with Dolph? Isn't that freaking point of the story?

Ah, whatever. Maybe I'm overthinking it. We get the point.

Segment 4: Replay of Cena's stellar promo from Monday. Well, a Cliff's Notes version, but still.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Neville squashes Bo Dallas by pin. Red Arrow, less than two minutes. Did what it needed to do, and that's the furthest we ever recap squashes 'round these parts.

After the match, Stardust appears and talks some crazy bullshit. Bad News Barrett (or King Barrett, or whoever) threatens that “This Sunday, red and green become black and blue.” Stardust chimes in “Because he's gonna punch you!” Ha! Lovely.

For what it's worth, Neville is unimpressed.

Pre-Segment 6: Team Bella hits the ring, but unfortunately Alicia Fox wants to talk first. She heavily sucks up to Nikki Bella and puts her over; it's so heavy-handed that it's cartoonish, but not in a good or entertaining way. Then Nikki takes the mic and talks shit about Sasha Banks, also in a cartoonish way that's unentertaining. Bah... let's get to the match, shall we?

Oh wait, Alicia talks more. Ugh.

Oh, and here comes Team BAD, who all talk shit back. Naomi doesn't cut a great promo, but things finally pick up when Sasha Banks takes the mic and blathers basic threats. But come on; it's all awful, and it comes all so annoyingly stilted.

Then Becky Lynch comes down and just says they all suck and will totally beat them. She wins the war of words, especially since Charlotte follows her and doesn't say a damn thing.

Segment 6 [Triple Threat Match]: Brie Bella (w/ Team Bella) defeats Becky Lynch (w/ Charlotte) by flash pin, outlasting Sasha Banks (w/ Team BAD). The ladies exchange one hold each without a payoff as we go to ads. Back, and Brie is Yes-Kicking Sasha. Pin, only two.

Then Becky slides in the ring and tries to fight, but Brie fights them both off and hits them both with running knees. Basic back-and-forth from there without any woman getting a particular bit of momentum.  Becky quickly checks out after a neat gut buster in the corner, leaving Brie and Sasha go at it alone.

Becky eventually gets in and goes for kicking the shit out of everything that moves. Sasha powders out as Becky concentrates on Brie, putting her down with an underhook suplex. Pin, only two.

Becky went for another suplex, but Brie countered by shoving her into Sasha, who was standing on the apron. Becky bounces off the ropes into Brie's waiting arms, who rolls her up with a handful of tights.

So, it was a little on the short side. I absolutely am in favor of cutting the godawful promo in half or smaller and giving the time to the match, which was fast-paced but too short to tell a story. It's not in the pre-hashtag quality, but they can do so much better. Then again, I suppose we don't want anyone burned out before this Sunday, so... meh.

Segment 7: Dean Ambrose is hanging out with Roman Reigns in the back. Reigns says that he pictures on beating the shit out of Bray Wyatt and Luke Harper all night on Sunday. Then Ambrose adds that he'll totally torture them too.

Uh, then Orton appears? Orton says that he's totally going to RKO Sheamus, but not “out of nowhere,” because he'll see it coming. Then Cesaro appears and calls the other three messed up, since he just wants to beat Kevin Owens and help design a new T-shirt with “Lose Owens Lose” on it.

Oh, I see: the main event tonight is an eight-man tag match. Cool, that's what I get for ignoring the title cards between matches.

Segment 8: Replay of Paul Heyman's promo and, uh, “singing” from Monday.

Segment 9 [Eight-Man Tag Match]: Dean Ambrose, Randy Orton, Roman Reigns, & Cesaro defeat the Wyatt Family, Sheamus, & Kevin Owens by pin. Sheamus and Orton start... and Sheamus goes for an RKO in like four seconds flat. Sheamus bails and clutches his Money in the Bank briefcase like a blankey, and we go to ads.

Back, and... uh, Ambrose and Harper tag in together before we really know what's going on, and Ambrose goes strike-happy on him. Tag to Reigns, who picks up where he left off. Harper drives him to the heels' corner, and there's a moment of peril as Wyatt tags in, but Reigns handles it and drives Wyatt to the faces' corner.

Cesaro tags in, as does Harper, and they exchange heavy blows. Then Harper flings Cesaro to the east ropes, and Cesaro does a nifty defense where he basically somersaults over the top rope to land on the apron; as I've been advised by a friend, he sort of “melts” over the top rope. It was pretty slick, and he added a stiff elbow to Owens's temple to boot.

Cesaro gets in the ring thanks to a sunset flip, but fails the pin. He transitions to a Cesaro Swing, though the three illegal heels enter the ring. They only run distraction, but it's enough to have Harper recover and take momentum back. Tag to Wyatt, who starts the heel beatdown sequence with running splashes and strikes.

Quick tags among the heels from there to keep Cesaro in control, including Owens hitting his signature cannonball to take us to our final ads.

Back, and the heels are still in control with strikes and holds to keep Cesaro contained. Cesaro finally gets a breath by landing clean from an attempted belly-to-back suplex, then floored Sheamus to tease the hot tag. Cesaro makes it by tagging in Reigns, who goes house of fire on Sheamus, including with ten short clotheslines.

Things break down from there as all the heels try to help out and fall. Wyatt stays on the apron, though Reigns pulls him in for punches. But by then, Sheamus has recovered and tries a flash pin. He fails, but hits a couple big moves to keep him down. Then Sheamus punches Orton and Ambrose for no reason, screams “Are you not entertained?,” and turns around to eat a Superman Punch.

Second hot tag, this time to Ambrose, who goes house of fire to Harper. He wanted Dirty Deeds on Harper, but Wyatt ran interference, so Ambrose dealt with it by sending Wyatt off the apron to the floor, and back body dropping Harper over the east ropes to follow him. Ambrose followed up with a suicide dive to Harper, whose momentum sent him into the commentators' table. As Ambrose grabbed him and threw him in the ring—and I cannot make this up—Jerry Lawler's blue-papered notes stuck to Harper's arm sweat. Lawler just started giggling, because Harper's sweat probably carried away his stupid “jokes.”

Back in the ring, Ambrose shot the half, but Owens broke it up. Then Cesaro slid in the ring and put down Owens with a freaking amazing middle rope springboard spinning European Uppercut. Then came the rapid finisher sequence that always waters my petunias: Brogue Kick to Cesaro, RKO to Sheamus, Sister Abigail tease to Orton, RKO tease to Wyatt, Super Kick to Orton, Spear to Wyatt, Super Kick to Reigns, Dirty Deeds to Harper. Shoot the half, three, done. Awesome finish, and the faces take the momentum into Sunday.

Final Thoughts: Probably not great in a vacuum, this episode was a decent lead-in to SummerSlam in parts, though not so much in others. The divas were grossly under-utilized, or at least utilized in really dumb ways. Play to their strengths: more match length, less dumb and stilted promos.

Still, this was a crowd-pleaser episode, with the faces running the table except for the divas. I suppose that the opener wasn't a face running the table either, but the big spot certainly delivered the pop it needed, and it fuels the feud heading into the pay-per-view. I'll take it.

Everything else, I already said in the body. Remember that the pay-per-view is FOUR hours long this time, and starts at 7pm Eastern, which means I'm glad Rick is doing it and not me. Enjoy his recap at OO shortly after the event ends at 11, and I'll see you next week for another recap.

Episode Grade: C+
 
E-MAIL PYROFALKON


  
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