Uh, hey. I'm PyroFalkon, and I started my Tumblr finally. My first series of posts are up, and they touch on such wonderfully happy topics of my “drug” addiction and my depression-like symptoms. I'd be honored if you give them a read, but I understand if you don't. Maybe it'll tell you more about me, stuff that's too long to go into these precaps.

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Segment 1: Seth Rollins hits the ring first, as he's done for like the past month. He blathers for a while, bringing up Babe Ruth and Michael Jordan for no apparent reason. Oh wait, I get it: that solid minute of prattling was all about the fact that he's better than Babe Ruth or Jordan if they had had twice as many accomplishments as they did. In other words, Rollins is the greatest athlete ever in the history of existence, forever.

This goes on for a while, and includes insulting John Cena for not accepting Rollins's match challenge in person (and instead on Tough Enough). So he dares Cena to answer the challenge face-to-face on RAW.

Then Neville hits the ring to say what we're all thinking and tell Rollins to shut his pie hole. Words are exchanged, then Cesaro hits the ramp to try to help Neville convince Rollins to be quiet. Before Cesaro fully descends the ramp, Kevin Owens runs down and blasts him in the back of the head with a forearm. Owens follows up by chucking him into the stairs, while in the ring Rollins hits Neville with a corner-to-corner running powerbomb.

Nothing more is said or done, but dollars to dingbats that we get a tag match.

Pre-Segment 2: I'm not normally into bass-heavy dance music, but I really dig BAD's music. I hope it comes to iTunes soon.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Charlotte (w/ Becky Lynch) defeats Naomi (w/ Beautiful And Dangerous) by submission. Above-average match, though a little hasty of a finish, and some disjointed action to accompany it.

Charlotte started by Woo-ing in Naomi's face; Naomi replied with a stiff slap. Ha! With moments like that, I don't mind cheering for the heels.

The ladies exchange a few basic moves, with Charlotte getting two “wins,” and Naomi bails to regroup. Charlotte goes to chase, and Naomi takes her down by chopping her ankle on the apron. When Charlotte plummets to the black mats, she regains her footing only to get her face kicked off by Naomi. Then we go to ads as Naomi tosses her back in.

Back, and Naomi is striking the crap out of Charlotte's face, though she preens and talks shit between pretty much every strike. Naomi goes for a sleeper from there, though she can't quite lock it in. No problem: she just transitions to a running bulldog to smash Charlotte's face into the middle turnbuckle. Jesus.

Naomi continues with leg drops and chin locks, but can't close the deal. Charlotte powers out and does a few kicks, then hits a crazy reverse stunner kind of thing and an awkward Spear. Still not enough. As the women get to their feet, Naomi kicks Charlotte near the east ropes, taunts, then charges. Charlotte counters whatever she was trying with a back body drop that sends her into Tamina and Sasha Banks outside.

Charlotte goes to follow while all the ladies try to figure out their equilibriums. Charlotte chucks her back in and quickly applies the Figure Eight out of nowhere. You'd think BAD would enter the ring and save Naomi while taking the DQ, but nope: Naomi taps, then rolls out of the ring while Becky Lynch celebrates with Charlotte.

And, uh, no replays or post-match action. Weird.

Segment 3: Recap of Stephen Amell's appearance on RAW.

Segment 4: Ryback hits the ring to talk and thank everyone for their support, while also reminding us who the hell he is and what he's done. He puts over his hard work and dedication to get him to earn the Intercontinental Title at the last PPV. Then he shows us a picture of his staph infection, reminds us it could have killed him, then reports that he beat the shit out of that staph infection (including a Meathook Clothesline and a Shell Shock) before he got 100% and came back to WWE.

Ryback says that while at home, he was worried about the state of his title. But he thanks the fans for the support again, and that their energy helped him recover. And it will help him defend the title against Big Show and The Miz at SummerSlam.

You know, I've got to say... I know the 80s have been long gone, but there's something to be said for having an old school face on the roster again. I don't think I've heard anyone that eager to give the fans thanks for their support, except maybe Daniel Bryan, and as much as I love DB, it always came out a little false and compared to Ryback. So either Ryback is genuinely happy to be back and all about the fans, or he's simply a better actor.

Feel free to yell at me for that opinion, I guess.

Pre-Segment 5: The Wyatt Family hits the ring to talk. Luke Harper is the one to talk first, which is a little unusual, and he talks some crazy bullshit about being born inherently evil. Bray Wyatt takes the mic and adds that Harper was found blind, but Wyatt gave him sight, and his eyes are on Roman Reigns. Wyatt goes on that they've been waiting for Reigns and Dean Ambrose, and—

Uh, and here's Ambrose himself? Wow, that's like the shortest Wyatt promo ever. Ambrose stays on the ramp as he says that he, uh, doesn't have anything to say. He's just here to do what he and Reigns always do: “talk with our fists.” And then Reigns makes his entrance, but not before looking like he got off the bus at the wrong stop.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Roman Reigns (w/ Dean Ambrose) defeats Luke Harper (w/ Bray Wyatt) by disqualification. Decent match, nothing special, but it served its purpose to add fuel to their fire.

Reigns opens with a flurry of punches against Harper, and a jumping clothesline, soon followed by clotheslining him over the south ropes. Wyatt comforts Harper to take us to ads.

Back, and Harper is using effective strikes on Reigns. The heel beatdown goes on a for a couple minutes before Reigns starts a false hope spot as he delivers a million clotheslines, though the next is cut off by a stiff dropkick from Harper. Jesus.

From there the fight spills outside with Reigns getting the better of it, delivering a side slam to the edge of the apron his signature floor to apron front dropkick. Then Wyatt approaches Wyatt and talks shit, leading Ambrose to head over and run bodyguard duty.

In the ring, Reigns fails a flash pin, then delivers a Samoan Drop. Outside, Wyatt blasts Ambrose with a spine buster onto the top of the barricade. Yeesh.

Back in the ring, the actual participants exchange heavy punches, with Reigns eventually winning the slugfest, though he eats a superkick. Pin from Harper, but only two.

Harper then called for his powerbomb finisher, but Reigns reversed it to a back body drop, followed by a Superman Punch. He shot the half, but then Wyatt slid in the ring to break it up.

Reigns powdered out for a moment as Ambrose basically went house of fire and took down both Harper and Wyatt, sending them to east ringside. Ambrose followed up with a suicide dive, but as they all picked themselves up, Wyatt threw him face-first into the edge of the commentators' table. The Wyatts started to double-team Ambrose, but that's when Reigns arrived with a flying lariat with an assist from the steps. The faces never looked back as Reigns tossed Wyatt and Harper in turn over the barricade near the timekeeper. Wyatt decided that was enough and led the way through the crowd in retreat.

Segment 6: Rich Brennan interviews Sheamus in the back regarding Seth Rollins and an attempt to cash in the Money in the Bank briefcase on Monday. Sheamus says that we fans are sick of the same old same old: Rollins blathering while holding the World Heavyweight Championship, and Randy Orton hitting RKOs out of nowhere. See, Sheamus was so totally going to win the title, and he was going to usher in a new era in which Orton couldn't survive. Orton somehow knew this, and RKOed him to stop it.

Then Sheamus makes the insane leap that Orton did this to “be like a Terminator movie. Is that it, Orton? You want to be Terminator?” Uh, I'm pretty sure that thought never once crossed his mind, buddy. Methinks that line may have been fed to him from a tie-in paycheck instead of a writer monkey's brain, eh?

So Sheamus says “I'll be back.” Because he'll be back on Monday to kick the shit out of Randy Orton so many times that Orton is reduced to dust and removed from existence. That's not my hyperbole; that's actually what Sheamus said. Holy shit.

Segment 7 [Tag Match]: The Prime Time Players defeat The New Day (w/ Kofi Kingston) by pin. Decent match, nothing special, but mainly to add fuel to the fire, just like the previous match.

O'Neil with all the offense early, only changing when Kingston ran distraction. From there, Woods and E went with the Merry Go Stomps (I swear I'm going to make that name stick), soon followed by Woods hitting a couple running kicks to keep O'Neil down as we go to ads.

Back, and E has O'Neil in an abdominal stretch, soon followed by gut-targeted offense. But then E takes a step back to clap for a while, and when he turns back around, he eats a big clothesline.

Double tag from there as Young goes house of fire on Woods, which winds up taking them to the outside. Kingston charges Young for no reason, but Young counters with a back body drop that Kingston appropriately oversells.

Back in the ring, Young gets Woods on his shoulder and teases something. E makes the save by pulling him off his shoulders, then all three members of The New Day decide to call it a, uh, new day and leave. But their exit is called off by both the Lucha Dragons and Los Matadores. PTP deals with E and Kingston, then fling Woods back in the ring to hit the Gut Check. Pin, three, done.

The PTP then take their titles and celebrate, but the Lucha Dragons and Los Matadores join them in the ring. Nothing happens, but the PTP do look on the other teams as a bit of mutual respect.

Segment 8: Hype for the Undertaker vs. Brock Lesnar match.

Segment 9 [Tag Match]: Seth Rollins & Kevin Owens defeats Cesaro & Neville by flash pin. Solid match, and it's a should-watch. Queue up this thing on the YouTubes, pronto!

Cesaro kicks things off with a delayed suplex, with the “delay” lasting a good half-hour. Clearly, his strength is on full display, and Rollins weighs the equivalent of a bread stick.

Mmm. Bread sticks. Dripping with garlic butter.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the match. Owens wanted to interfere, but Neville cut that shit out, and both faces sent the heels packing to ring side. That takes us to our final ads.

Back, and Owens has full control of Neville with some strong sleepers... where he's also talking shit while holding the move. Heh. Neville eventually slips out only to take a strong DDT, and nearly gets pinned as a result.

The heels continue the beat down, with Neville appropriately slightly over-selling, especially from Owens. Nice tease of a sequence then as Neville created some separation, and Rollins (illegal) entered the ring to try to stop the hot tag. Neville dispatched Rollins over the north rope, but when Neville went for the tag, Rollins kicked Cesaro off the apron, and Neville tagged nothing but air. Owens finished up the sequence by hitting his signature Cannonball out of nowhere.

Owens went for the pin after that, but Cesaro slid under the bottom rope and shoulder-pushed Owens off to break it up. Owens shoved Cesaro back out of the ring and continued the offense, but whiffed on a running senton. Owens tagged in Rollins and, after a tease, Cesaro managed to finally get his hot tag. House of fire, running European Uppercuts to Rollins, concluding with a military press slam over the south ropes. Owens was in position to catch Rollins, but moved; Rollins fell the whole ten feet. Jesus.

Owens helped Rollins to his feet, but saw Cesaro go for a suicide dive. Owens bailed again, and Rollins took the Swedish dive alone. Neville then helped out by a faulting corkscrew something to flatten Owens, and as the fans fired up a “This is awesome!” chant, everyone was down. Cesaro and Rollins were up first, and Cesaro nailed him with a running European Uppercut; Cesaro's momentum took him to sit on the commentators' table, where he gave us a guttural scream of victory. He is feeling it tonight, and the fans are all over him.

Back to action as Rollins stumbles into the ring. Cesaro runs up the stairs and the ropes, then hits a stupidly awesome high-angle flying cross body off the top rope. He hits it clean and goes for a pin, but only gets two.

Owens then reenters the ring illegally; Cesaro tosses him, but eats a no-look enziguri. Rollins follows up with a corner-to-corner running powerbomb, then starts the Pedigree. Cesaro turns it into a sunset flip, but Rollins rolls through, but Cesaro transitions it into a Sharpshooter out of nowhere.

Owens runs interference again, and Cesaro defends himself, but Rollins flashes a pin with a handful of tights.

That's the three, but then Owens wants a piece of Cesaro. That doesn't last long as Rollins bails, and Cesaro puts Owens down with a... torture rack to forward slam? Whatever it was, it was soon followed by Neville's Red Arrow. Yay, faces win the moral victory, if not the actual match!

Final Thoughts: Decent night on the balance and sustainable episodic TV, though in a vacuum it wasn't anything magical. Check out the main event though; you'll be glad you did.

Other than that, I've said everything I wanted to say, so I'm going to kick it to my grade and hit the sack. Don't forget to check out my autobiographical Tumblr too, if you're so inclined.

Episode Grade: C+