Because we may or may not be in some sort of Bizarro World at the moment, while Rick is eloquently discussing gay marriage in his precaps—with a view that corresponds to 99.99% of my opinion as well, with the .01% difference being so minor that I honestly think it's just semantics—I'm going to be talking about something wrestling-centric. Though I'll eat one of Rick's trusty bugs if he doesn't add an Ed. Note at the end of this, provided nothing horrible happened to him over the weekend and this article was posted as a rush job.

Yes, last two. See, ratings aren't just about the current episode for shows like RAW: it's also about the previous episode. If an episode has a lackluster rating but still promises something amazing next week, word will get around (especially through social media), and more eyes will check it out. That's why ratings are almost idiotic to take in a vacuum (and why quarter-hour ratings are damn near worthless especially when you account for margin of error). If anything, the ratings for a weekly show like RAW are more of an overall trend. If last Monday's RAW had such a terrible rating, that's less about that one episode, and more about the general direction WWE is traveling.

I should pause here to mention that I once was part of the Nielsen rating survey for a week. I was even paid... get this... fifteen dollars for my participation! So when I'm not flying out on my G7 to Hawaii taking six-week vacations every seven weeks, I'm clearly cementing my legacy of writing shit down in a little grid and mailing it in. So, you know, I'm an expert here.

Anyway, the point is I've seriously been wondering about professional wrestling in general and WWE in particular lately. Many moons ago, Jeb Lund wrote an article about the professional wrestling burnout cycle; the article is burned into my subconscious since it was literally the piece that brought me to OO and write for the site in the first place. At the time, I was at the other end of the cycle: I had just finished a four-year no-watch period since I had been burned out, and was getting back into it.

Lately I've made no secret of the fact that I'm considering my position here. I've talked publicly (and privately with Rick) whether I need a hiatus from the site to sort some shit out in my personal life, or if it's time to step away entirely. I used to look forward to wrestling, and I'm not just talking about the Attitude Era. I always wanted to tune in and see what was going on, even in the worst of the Modern Era. Now, despite the women's division on the rebound and Seth Rollins killing it as the company's #1 heel, you would think I'd be more into it. Or... is that all WWE has right now? Maybe Kevin Owens also? Is that the whole list?

The thing is, I thought it was just me. I thought it was just a massive combination of stress, frustration with my lack of success in my other projects, loss of a twenty-year friendship, disillusionment with my “dream job,” and an over-examination in the wake of depression-like symptoms that we were allowed to talk about last year after Robin Williams killed himself. And sure, all that shit is still over my head like Damocles's sword. I had always considered WWE and OO to be outlets to that crap... but maybe WWE has to be better? Maybe it's just not the outlet it once was for me? And maybe I'm over-thinking all this bullshit as I always do?

Whatever it is, I find myself giving less of a shit about WWE nowadays, and I find myself going through the motions with the recaps rather than having any fun with them. That's... not good. And if the program is poorer than it used to be, perhaps that's a big part of the reason.

Or maybe I'm just insane, and the low rating is because everyone was too busy either love-watching or hate-watching the rapidly changing news cycles from the crazy week the country had. It's possible. [Ed. Note: I think it's a combination of the two factors... last week, there were just tons of other ways people might be spending their time, from soccer to enjoying the longest nights of the year doing stuff outside to starting vacations... but also, WWE didn't really give fans a reason to watch. Brock Lesnar is a double edged sword, in that he'll draw in the marginal viewers when he's there, but last Monday, within the first 3 minutes of the show, Rollins revealed that Brock was already over in Japan. So *FLIP* go the masses. The fact that Cena and Cesaro had an awesome match is great, and all, but by the time fans realize how good it is, and it starts trending, if somebody bothers to flip back, RAW has already moved on to something else. And probably something not as good.
 
For whatever it's worth, I had my own burnout issues with wrestling... the end of 2006 was just soul crushing in every way perhaps best summarized with how McMahon was on such full-tilt that he dumped Paul Heyman and took "ECW" in even shittier directions. Then, a WM with fricking Trump. Then Benoit. The roster was thin and the product was just wearing me out. I think Jericho's return towards the end of 2007 is what got me back into the flow of things a bit. From there, we got Edge andthen CM Punk emerging as main eventers. We got Johnny Ace out, and HHH taking over developmental, which meant the first sustained influx of new stars, and we've reached a point today where the roster is genuinely the best and deepest it's been since 2002-2004. It's just lacking in star power at the very top, and WWE has a real blind spot for utlizing the mid-card to entertain the fans. They'd rather hammer home the main event story over and over and over again, and it sometimes kills the momentum of a 3 hour show.
 
I digress. My point is that a lot goes into a historically low rating like last week, and you're right to note that the reasons are both internal and external.]

All I know is, when low ratings hit WWE, its brass tends to go into panic mode, and we start to see weird bullshit happen. It wouldn't surprise me if Vince McMahon himself is dusted off and rolled down the ramp, since historically Vince thinks his face in front of the cameras equals ratings. I guess we'll see.

Okay, this has gone on so long that I'm not sure Rick bothered with an Ed. Note. Doesn't matter either way... it's 9pm as I start this, and I want to get to bed at a reasonable hour. Let's roll.

...And, hey, let's do a SmackDown: All You Need to Know version. It's been a few years since I've done one, and I know when I came back from OO hiatus years ago, that's what reinvigorated me. Let's try it.

Opening: I forgot to mention it last week, but Jimmy Uso is out on commentary as a color commentator to replace Byron Saxton. I don't know where Saxton is, but this making good use of Jimmy while his brother is out injured. Apparently this will be a summer thing, and as he proved last week, he's pretty good at it.

Segment 1: Seth Rollins and J&J Security hit the ring. Seth talks and reminds us that he bought J&J a car on Monday, then blathers some more to put himself and The Authority over. It's too long and not overly entertaining.

After entirely too long, he says that the main event tonight will be Roman Reigns versus him. But everyone smells a rat, and Rollins even hints that Reigns isn't even here tonight. Then Dean Ambrose's music fires up, and Ambrose pops out for a fight. He examines the fact that it's him solo against three, so halfway down the ramp, he changes his mind and retreats through gorilla.

Rollins looks relieved, since he's an idiot. Sure enough, Ambrose pops back out, this time armed with a kendo stick. He runs down and slides into the ring to pick a fight; the heels make a go of it, but they bail before too much damage can be done to then.

As Rollins retreats, he says that Ambrose was scheduled to face Bray Wyatt, and that's happening now. After ads, of course.

...Man that was a long segment. Like twelve minutes long for about two minutes of progress.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Bray Wyatt defeats Dean Ambrose by pin. Solid match. Started formula prior to the ads, but then really got on track. Ambrose's hope spots were all the out-of-nowhere flying type, while Wyatt's power offense (not to mention his signature crabwalk) helped draw the crowd into it.

One notable spot happened near the end, kicked off by one of Ambrose's signature rebound clotheslines. After hitting that and getting a near-fall, Wyatt bailed to regroup at east ringside. Ambrose chased and hopped on the announcers' table to then leap off with a standing elbow. However, Wyatt caught him with one arm, then basically Rock Bottomed him into the corner barricade. Jesus, that'll snap a spine.

After that, the match went back in the ring, and Wyatt hit the Sister Abigail presently. Pin, three, done.

Pre-Segment 3: Back from break, Adam Rose is blathering with cheap heat while holding (and being held by) My Rosa Mendes. Also, Rosa is sucking on a lollipop. This makes this pretty much the greatest episode WWE has ever produced.

Then R-Truth hits the ring with his duct tape crown, dirty towel for a cape, and possibly unwashed plunger for a scepter. I stand corrected: this is the greatest episode WWE has ever produced.

Truth also gave a pre-recorded to-camera monologue that definitely featured words, but probably not in any order that has ever been uttered before in human history. This segment made my night... no joke, that.

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: R-Truth reverse-squashes Adam Rose (w/ My Rosa Mendes) by pin. Decent comedy match that had Rose hitting some light moves, and Truth suffering damage. Other than a sunset flip counter out of nowhere, Truth didn't do anything until his out-of-nowhere Lie Detector. Pin, three, done. Rosa jumped in frustration. Coincidentally, I was jumping for joy.

Segment 4: Ryback had a WWE.com interview and put himself over while giving generic threats to Mark Henry. After seeing that, some asshole I don't know with an unfortunate haircut interviews Henry about it. Henry talks shit back and threatens Ryback. Meh; Henry was never the best promo guy.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Ryback defeats Mark Henry by pin. Solid enough match, more about the story than the action, but the action was pretty good.

Power and roughneck offense from Henry pretty much from the beginning, with Ryback slowly selling between every spot. It sold Henry's power but also unnecessarily lengthened the match; I think they like calling that “methodical offense,” yeah? This included the Bear Hug of Doom, though that thankfully lasted under five seconds.

Ryback's big comeback came as he suplexed Henry, certainly an impressive move. (Note that he did a smooth suplex, as opposed to a vertical or delayed suplex.) Ryback followed up with the Meathook Clothesline, but couldn't close the deal from there. Henry got up and wanted a World's Strongest Slam from there, but Ryback slipped out and hit a huge Shell Shock, though he almost lost him at first.

Segment 6: Seth Rollins is in the back, and J&J tell him that Reigns still isn't in the building. They laugh, then... I guess Joey Mercury shows him a YouTube video on the Apple Watch? Whatever.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Brie Bella (w/ Alicia Fox) defeats Noami by pin. We're told that Nikki Bella and Tamina are both away doing some tour or something for WWE, and thus are not in their respective friends' corners.

Dangerous spot kind of early as Naomi got her first rally, which sent Brie to east ringside, and Naomi went to chase her by exiting west ringside and running around the ring. The heels tried to set a classic trap: Alicia knelt behind the apron around the corner, and as Naomi turned the corner, Alicia sprang up with a clothesline. Not sure why; it would have drawn a DQ, but who cares I guess. Regardless, Naomi ducked it, but Brie hit a jumping shove aimed at Naomi's collarbone. The hit wasn't the problem: Naomi fell backward and landed on her neck and the back of her head. It was a gruesome enough fall that the ref slid out of the ring to check on her, but he did so after Brie had already picked her up (by the face, no less) to continue the attack.

The match went back in the ring and wasn't much of anything from there. The ending saw Alicia tripping Naomi behind the ref's back, and Brie hitting her with the sit-out facebuster. Jimmy Uso, oddly enough, didn't seem to care. He does point out that if Tamina was here, things probably would have gone differently.

Over the match was decent but nothing special. However, it was a full length match, which makes it worlds above pre-hashtag treatment of the division.

Segment 8: Wyatt appears on the Titantron to taunt Roman Reigns, who has still not been seen. Wyatt does take credit for Reigns's absence, assuming that he's just too scared to show himself. Wyatt doesn't care though, and will take away everything Reigns holds dear, then will finish him off once Reigns has nothing left. Effective and creepy as always.

Segment 9 [Tag Match]: The Prime Time Players defeat The Ascension by pin. Decent match but pure formula and not worth watching. It pretty much was an excuse to give the PTP some momentum.

Pre-Segment 10: Dear god, yes, Summer Rae, please keep wearing that dress. And trust me, I'm trying really, really hard to look you in the eyes, but you must know how incredibly difficult it is.

Segment 10: After a cut scene from my dreams (and half from my nightmares since Rusev occupied the right half of it), Rusev and Summer Rae hit the ring. Summer opens by “being the bigger person” and apologizing for “sinking to Lana's level” by slapping her in the face on Monday. Then she puts over Rusev for being so totally manly. Rusev punctuates that by kissing her hand while staring into the hard camera. The fans counter with a “USA! USA!” chant, which makes Rusev look like he's trying incredibly hard to avoid having diarrhea in the middle of the ring.

So Rusev goes on that Summer is so totally a real woman, to which Summer smiles; then Rusev says that Summer's best part is that she “knows her place,” which makes Summer's smile slightly disappear. Hm. But he recovers enough to talk shit about Lana, and that makes Summer super-happy again. Rusev goes on to insult Dolph Ziggler and imply that Lana is poisoning him. Oh, and Rusev is going to beat Ziggler's ass with the imagery of “ripping out Ziggler's intestine and hanging them to dry in his backyard.” Holy shit!

That's the end of that. Not great, but for being borderline sociopathic, it was enjoyable.

Pre-Segment 11: Seth Rollins and J&J hit the ring. Seth demands for a count out victory, so he makes the ref ring the bell, and J&J do the counting while the ref looks bored. Then Roman Reigns's music fires up, and he appears through the crowd.

So, uh, really... what the fuck was the entire point of the tease that he wasn't in the building? I mean, it's more than just the fact that this always happens with this particular gimmick; what was the overall in-universe point? “Oh, Reigns is so hurt from Monday he totally won't show up tonight!” Stupid. So very, very stupid.

Bah. Give five more minutes to Summer Rae and/or My Rosa Mendes standing around in the ring. Or both. Making out. Yeah. That last thing.

Segment 11 [Singles Match]: Roman Reigns defeats Seth Rollins (w/ J&J Security) by disqualification. Reigns gets some early offense, but then J&J run interference. Reigns defends himself so no DQs are drawn, but it gives Rollins a chance to rally and start the attack. He targets the back and gut, which are still sore from Monday, so Reigns appropriately oversells it all.

Then Reigns gets a rally, so J&J beats the shit out of him and draws the DQ. Why didn't they do that in the first place?

Post-Segment 11: The heels keep beating the shit out of Reigns, who easily falls to the numbers game. But Dean Ambrose hits the ring to make the save with his trusty Kendo stick while Jimmy Uso freaks the hell out on commentary, apparently with the Red Bull kicking in. J&J pull Rollins out of the ring before he can eat finishers, but the faces do manage to capture Joey Mercury. Superman Punch, a dozen Kendo stick shots, and a Spear will send Joey right to the Tylenol bottle.

Final Thoughts: Meh. I'm glad I went with All You Need to Know: there was just nothing here to talk about in much detail. The opening match was worth watching, but everything else... no.

And the mind-fuckingly stupid framing plotline that Reigns was somehow not in the building was just all kinds of pointless. But I already ranted about that like four paragraphs above, and I'm tired. Summer allergies suck, and I'm drowning in my own mucus, so it's time for pills and sleep. Enjoy that mental image, folks!

Oh, but, uh, seriously... do enjoy your July 4th weekend, and stay safe out there. Grill up and eat an extra hamburger for me.

Episode Grade: D+