I'm quite secure, if not entirely comfortable, with the fact that most of my meals come out of boxes and are cooked in the microwave because I don't want to spend more than five minutes cooking due to having shit to do, which is usually defined as “playing Arkham Knight until I'm so tired that I'm hallucinating Batman punching me in the face.”

No, what makes me insecure is the WAY I eat waffles. Namely: I don't like syrup. Wait, “don't like” isn't strong enough: I loathe syrup. I already don't like sweet stuff in my non-desserts. I dislike ketchup, I often order burgers without tomatoes, and sweet & sour Chinese food makes my tastebuds lurch. But syrup is in a class of its own, where a single drop will ruin a perfectly good waffle in my eyes... er, mouth.

And it's that that makes me insecure. I'm paranoid that I'm weird for disliking syrup. Here in the Midwest, I'm paranoid about not liking beer (or really much of any alcohol, Rick's Orange Russians and my Cake-drivers obvious exceptions), and I'm paranoid about not liking fried foods, since most people in the Midwest would eat fried oil if they could get away with it. I've developed my social abilities over the last decade but I still have awkward moments when I decline offers of “staple” foods of the locale. Corn on the cob especially can go fuck itself.

Also, I'm insecure about having these insecurities. CM Punk once told a story where he went on Christmas break, and when he came back, he was suddenly a vegetarian. Though it was a little weird—especially for Kofi Kingston, since they always traveled together—Punk was and still is a guy who knows what he wants and does it without looking back. Me? All I do is question myself about the little shit. I'll proudly plod on with my book despite 35 rejections and 19 no-replies over a single year, but I don't want anyone knowing my anti-syrup stance until they're ready to pull the plug.

Okay, enough of waffles, because SmackDown calls. Oh, and in case you're wondering why I decided to talk about waffles instead of the incredible and long overdue ruling of SCOUTS, it's because I wanted to keep it light. In that vein: seeing the acronym SCOTUS always makes my mind read “scrotum” on the first pass. Your move, Internet.

Segment 1: Seth Rollins hits the ring with Kane and Joey Mercury, though not the wounded Jamie Noble. Rollins puts over the reunion of The Authority, and he's proud that they all beat the shit out of Brock Lesnar at the end of Monday. Rollins does talk about how the attacks wasn't without cost, and we get replays of Noble getting his ribs broken. But the others were with Noble in that “local medical facility,” and so tonight, they're dedicating all their performances for him. Aw, so sweet.

Rollins continues to blather as he puts over Kane, transitioning to Kane taking the mic. Kane dons his GM hat as he talks about (and shows replays of) Ryback beating the shit out of Big Show in the back during RAW. Kane summons Ryback to the ring, who does so. Kane demands an explanation; Ryback deflects the question and just rips into Rollins, rather bluntly saying that Rollins doesn't deserve his championship; it should be him, not because he “deserves” it per se, but because then WWE would have a real champion holding its title, not a sellout.

Rollins loses all of his smile, but says nothing. Kane angrily books a match between Ryback and himself as punishment.

Kane's music fires up as The Authority leaves, but Rollins demands the music cut on the ramp. See, part of Ryback's rant included mentioning that Dean Ambrose is so totally better than Rollins, and Rollins is sick of that disrespect. So to prove it, he'll face Ambrose tonight, just to show everyone what he's made of.

Man. It's gotta be REALLY easy to manipulate Rollins (the character). If you want five bucks, just ask Rollins, and when he says no, just respond that Ambrose would so totally given it to you. Rollins would throw his entire wallet at you.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Sheamus defeats Dolph Ziggler (w/ Lana) by pin. Power offense from Sheamus to start, though Dolph applies a sleeper out of nowhere thanks to his speed. He also goes for a superkick, which makes Sheamus bail. As he gets back in the ring, Dolph dropkicks him in the face, sending Sheamus to the floor once again.

Then Rusev arrives to blather and beg Lana to come with him. Lana doesn't say anything; she just purposefully turns her back on him. Rusev then screams at her, but she ignores him as the match resumes.

Sheamus took advantage of the distraction as he goes for the Brogue Kick. Dolph slips it but eats a big knee in the ensuing exchange. He tumbles through the ropes and hits the black mats, and we go to ads.

Back, and Sheamus has Dolph in a chinlock in the center of the ring. Dolph fights out presently, but Sheamus's power keeps him controlled. Then Sheamus goes to the top rope, where Dolph catches him before he can leap, and comes down with a huge super face buster. It worked, but it hurt Dolph as well.

Both guys back to their feet exchanging punches, then a string of reversals later, Dolph scores a sunset flip. Only a two though. As they get up, Sheamus knees Dolph and bounces off the ropes for a Brogue Kick, but takes a superkick instead. Pin, but still only two. The fans were convinced that was the finish!

Both guys back up, another string of reversals, Dolph applies the standing scissored sleeper but can't close the deal. Sheamus breaks out and drives Dolph to the corner. Dolph tried to fight but Sheamus crotched him on the top rope. While Dolph stayed in that spot, Sheamus nailed him with the Brogue Kick. Dolph fell to the apron; Sheamus dragged him in under the bottom rope, made the pin, and took the win.

Good match overall. It keeps momentum on Sheamus's side but Dolph doesn't really lose anything here.

After the match, Lana entered the ring to check on her guy, but nothing further happened.

Segment 3: Well, not with them anyway. Rusev is limping his way through the backstage area, then throws a temper tantrum on a fence. Summer Rae arrives, gently places a hand on his shoulder, and informs him that Lana isn't worth it. She leaves immediately, and Rusev gives a thousand-yard stare to the floor.

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: Alicia Fox (w/ the Bella Twins) defeats Naomi (w/ Tamina) by pin. Chain wrestling to start with Alicia getting the better of the exchange. This leads to an awkward spot where Naomi is taken down, kips up, then takes a dropkick in the back of her left shoulder... which she sells entirely too late. Whoops.

Naomi retreats to the apron. When Alicia goes to follow, Naomi hits her with an axe kick, thus starting her momentum. Her blinky boots seem to have the bugs worked out of them, as they're now proper changing color on every step. I really love those boots.

Naomi keeps it simple and doesn't do anything flashy. Alicia finally hits a high-speed tilt-a-whirl backbreaker out of nowhere, then tackles Naomi through the ropes, taking them next to the Bellas. Naomi defends herself, driving Alicia spine-first into the apron edge, then throws her back in the ring. Instead of pushing her advantage, she turns around just to talk shit to the Bellas. Referee John Cone jumps out of the ring to prevent any jiggery-pokery between the ladies, but he doesn't see Tamina run around from the north side of the ring and kick Brie's face off. Honestly, I didn't even realize Tamina had been at ringside.

Anyway, Nikki tackles Tamina and drives her to the barricade. Naomi rescues Tamina, and Tamina kicks Nikki's face off too. Naomi celebrates before getting back in the ring, but Alicia took the rest. She kicks Naomi in the face as she goes in the ring, then hits a... a... damn, what the hell was that? An arm lock into a spike DDT? Fucking A. Does that have a name? It needs one.

Whatever it was, it kept Naomi down for the pin. Alicia bailed before Tamina could slide in the ring and catch her, and she celebrated with the Bellas up the ramp.

So, it was an okay match. Fast-paced but a little too short. It reminded me of a standard divas match prior to the hashtag campaign. Hopefully it was a one-off for length, though it was pretty entertaining. That is, I don't think its short length really hurt the story, but it probably didn't help either.

Segment 5: JoJo interviews The New Day in the back. JoJo tries to do the journalist thing and mentions that they've had a bad run as of late, but Xavier Woods interrupts her to state that “losing is subjective.” Heh, that's an adorable phrase. Woods says that it's not in their interest to focus on particular results, and Kofi Kingston adds that JoJo can't have a positive mood with a negative mind.

Big E starts to add on with a sermon, and then the Prime Time Players arrive to say that New Day Sucks. JoJo runs away with Titus O'Neil's encouragement, but nothing breaks down into fisticuffs. PTP just continues to taunt them, then challenges them to a six-man tag match while hinting that their partner will be a surprise.

PTP runs off, but Bo Dallas arrives to give his power of positivity and Bo-Lieving to TND. Dallas even volunteers to join TND for the tag match tonight, making it not a six-man but an eight-man with two mystery partners for the faces. Kofi is so impressed with Dallas's initiative that he decides to teach him the New Day Clap, which Dallas completely fails at multiple times since he has no rhythm. Heh.

Pre-Segment 6: Kane hit the ring for his match against Ryback, then Ryback entered through gorilla. Show followed him out and beat the shit out of him as vengeance for Monday. After a good minute or two of beating, Show dumped Ryback's carcass into the ring. Kane demanded the ref to ring the bell.

Kane shot the half immediately, but Ryback managed to kick out. Whoa. I guess it's a real match.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Ryback defeats Kane (w/ Big Show) by disqualification. Kane goes all strikes. Ryback has a couple hope spots, but it's the third one where he hits a stiff spinebuster. He fought to his feet from there and hit a Meathook Clothesline clean. Nice!

Ryback signaled for the Shell Shock, so Show jumped on apron to run distraction. It worked for the moment, as Kane slipped the hold attempt, then readied the chokeslam. However, Ryback slipped that, and managed to ready the Shell Shock anyway! Then Show decided to throw all pretense out the window as he slid in the ring and kicked Ryback's head off his shoulders. That's one way to end a match.

After the match, the heels just beat the shit out of Ryback some more, concluding with a couple chokeslams. No one came to Ryback's aid, and Show finished the segment posing over Ryback's body.

Segment 7: Hype for Tough Enough.

Pre-Segment 8: The New Day and Bo Dallas are in the ring as we come from Seg 7. PTP comes out and heads to the bottom of the ramp and, after a dramatic pause, the Lucha Dragons join them. Whoa, this'll be fun!

Segment 8 [Eight-Man Tag Match]: The Lucha Dragons & The Prime Time Players defeat The New Day & Bo Dallas by pin. O'Neil and Kingston to start, with O'Neil basically getting all the offense with power chops and a modified fallaway slam... basically just a fallaway throw. Tag to Young, who continues the damage with basic attacks. One failed pin later, Kofi drives him to the heels' corner and tags in Dallas. Dallas scores some hits but it doesn't last long, and Young takes Dallas to school with a clinic of solid fundamental takedowns. Young ends the sequence with a headlock followed by stiff knees. Young wants a lifting move from there, but Dallas slips it, and TND drag him out of the ring. All four faces stand in the ring as all four heels hang out and clap themselves into a frenzy as we go to ads.

Back, and Kingston is dominating Sin Cara... for about thirty seconds, at which point Cara gets a hope spot. It doesn't last, and Kingston tags in Woods, which sets up a neat sequence. After the tag, Kingston back body drops Cara over the top rope. Though Cara lands clean on his feet, Woods follows him out to ringside while Kingston remains in the ring. Woods tries to grab Cara, who counters with a simple punch. But then, as Cara hops onto the apron to reenter the ring, Kingston hits him with a low dropkick. The recoil sends him into Woods, who superkicks his face off. See what I did there? That I used that same phrase as a second-hand reference to the translation of Sin—ah, never mind.

Point is, Cara is down, and the heels are on a roll. Woods flings him back in the ring, then they cut the ring in half and do a merry-go-round of tag, stomp, tag, stomp, tag, stomp. They get bored after a while and change it up with more quick tags but different moves, concluding with Big E doing an Abdominal Stretch of Doom. Another tag, and E helps Kingston set up a super powerbomb (with Kingston seated on the top rope), but Cara finally counters with a super huracanrana instead.

Both guys are down, double count is on, double hot tags to Woods and Kalisto. The latter goes house of fire, shoots the half, but the pin is broken up by Dallas. Pier Eight Signature Sequence ensues, ending with everyone but Woods and Kalisto down. Kalisto fights off Woods's attack, floors him, goes to the top rope, then hits a flying cross body against the heels outside the ring. Without a missing a beat, he pops up to his feet, goes to the apron, and hits a vaulting 450 splash from the apron over the ropes to Woods, which I didn't realize was physically possible. Pin, three, done: Kalisto defeats Woods and physics in one fell swoop.

Man. We need see some Kalisto versus Neville action. Preferably in a very special Bouncy Castle match. Either way, that was a solid and incredibly fun, entertaining match. Check it out on the YouTubes!

Segment 9: Replays of Bray Wyatt freaking out Roman Reigns quite effectively on Monday. From there, we see Reigns taping up in the locker room. Dean Ambrose arrives to talk shit about Wyatt, and suggests they beat the shit out of Wyatt with a five-pound weight in a sock. I'm not sure that would actually work, but if it did, that would be one fucking overpowered blackjack.

Anyway, Reigns tells Ambrose that he's got Bray, no problem: Ambrose needs to just concentrate on The Authority for now. Ambrose is fired up, and leaves to ready himself. Reigns grabs his pants in the locker for some reason, then notices a rolled up note. He opens it to find another creepy picture of himself with his eyes and mouth cut out, and the words “Anyone But You” scrawled on it. Reigns tosses it to the ground and storms out of the locker room, apparently forgetting his pants.

Segment 10: Ads, then Reigns is stomping around the back to look for Wyatt. Kane arrives, then says that Reigns is contributing to a hostile work environment. I'm... not sure why, aside from the fact that he snapped at some random guy to get on his headset to ask where Wyatt is. Apparently that's enough of an offense to order the Arena Security Staff to eject Reigns out of the building. Reigns nearly punches the security guys, but then storms out on his own... through the conveniently placed exit door like four feet away.

Segment 11 [Singles Match]: Seth Rollins defeats Dean Ambrose, via pin.

Simple wrestling to get started with arm wrenches from Ambrose and a couple basic takedowns from Rollins. Arm drags from there by Ambrose, then he goes for a complicated arm lock. Okay, I guess Ambrose has already picked a limb to target.

Doesn't last long as Rollins fights back with strikes, though he's presently clotheslined over the north rope. Rollins hits the mats, his buddies check on him, and we go to our final ads of the night.

Back, and Rollins reversed something (a charging kick?) into making Ambrose damage his knee around the lower rope. Or something. I'm not sure exactly what was going on due to an awkward cut-back from commercials, but the point is, now it's Rollins who's targeting a limb. Rollins hits a couple strikes, then goes for a leg lock as Ambrose crawls toward the south ropes.

Ambrose grabs the rope, though Rollins takes as much of the five count as he can before breaking it. He takes too long to press his advantage and takes a couple shots to the head, but he takes down Ambrose via the leg and adds some damage to the knee.

More strikes from Rollins keep Ambrose contained for a moment, then goes to the top rope. Ambrose manages to catch him through, and he does a sick snap super double underhook suplex off the top rope. Holy shit!

It takes some out of Ambrose as well, and both guys take a moment to get to their feet. Once they're there, Ambrose goes house of fire with strikes and clotheslines. He tries a corner bulldog, though Rollins pushed him off; when Rollins charges, Ambrose moves, and Rollins eats a turnbuckle. Ambrose goes for a wacky pin combination but only gets a two.

Back to their feet, Ambrose ducks a kick and counters with a sick atomic drop to facebuster, pins, only gets two.

Back to their feet again, Rollins goes on offense with strikes and puts Ambrose on the top rope. Ambrose fights it off though and tries a tornado DDT. However, Ambrose loses his grip as he sells the knee when he lands on it, thus releasing Rollins, who superkicks him. Pin, only two.

Pregnant pause as the guys recover, then Rollins goes to the top rope again. This time he hits a cross body off the top, though Ambrose rolls through and tries a pin but fails. Then it's Ambrose's turn to go to the top rope, at which point Kane runs interference. Ambrose fights him off but can't do a move since Rollins recovered, so Ambrose just hops off. After dodging a clothesline, Ambrose flies through the east ropes with a suicide dive to take down Kane.

Ambrose tries to reenter the ring but Rollins wants to shoulder check him back down to the black mats. Ambrose had it scouted and punched Rollins in the face, then went to the top rope and hit his flying elbow. Pin... but Mercury distracts the ref. No count as Ambrose gets up to yell. Mercury jumps off the apron, and Rollins fails a flash pin.

Ambrose then wants Dirty Deeds, but Mercury runs distraction again on the east apron. Ambrose scouts it and throws Rollins into him, sending him to the floor. Ambrose follows up with a flash pin attempt of his own, but fails. That's three sentences in a row I started with the word “Ambrose,” which means I'm getting tired, since I'm not usually that repetitive.

Both guys to their feet once more as... Dean hits a tornado DDT. Pin, still only two. Man, this match is pretty solid.

Everyone is down to sell the drama. Both guys get up at once as Ambrose uses strikes, though Rollins answers with a few kicks. Rollins then picks up Ambrose for a running powerbomb. Ambrose tries to fight out of it, but Rollins's grip is to strong. Then... something... weird happens, as Rollins powerbombs Ambrose over the top east rope, but Ambrose held on and I guess turned it into a huracanrana, as Rollins hits the black mats and sells while Ambrose lands on the apron and pops up to his feet unharmed after rolling under the bottom rope. Weird.

Ambrose then goes to the top rope and hits all three heels with his signature flying elbow, then flings Rollins back in the ring. Rollins hits one of his physics-defying no-look enziguri, but Ambrose rebounds from that nails him with a clothesline. Ambrose wants a pin but Mercury enters the ring. He doesn't get to do anything, as Ambrose wraps him up with a Dirty Deeds setup. But Rollins makes the save and smoothly spins Ambrose into a Pedigree, which he hits clean. Pin, three, done.

Solid match and story-heavy with Ambrose falling to the numbers but making a damn good show of it. And Rollins once again shows that he can fight but still enjoys being an overall chickenshit heel. Good stuff.

Nothing else happened other than the heels posing over Ambrose's body to take us home.

Final Thoughts: I'll keep this short, since I pretty much said everything I wanted to say already. It was a pretty decent night, somewhat above average matches, though I would have been incredibly happy to cut the Tough Enough hype (which went on for several agonizing minutes) and give that time to the divas. Or, maybe cut the Ryback “match” a little shorter and give the divas that time as well. Ryback's match after all was more about the story; his comeback spots were dramatic, but ultimately we knew where it was going, and it wouldn't have been negatively impacted from being like thirty seconds long. The divas' match however did suffer a little, though its story and fast action helped offset the short length. I guess your mileage may vary, though you'll definitely want to check out the eight-man tag match either way.

I think that's it. Above average night mixed with overly long filler means a fairly obvious grade, and I'm going to go to bed since I've basically stayed up entirely too late playing Arkham Knight for the last 72 hours. Have a good weekend, folks.

Episode Grade: B-