Lately the only things I've wanted to say are borderline inappropriate for Online Onslaught, only because you're here for wrestling coverage, not personal bullshit that rattles around in my low-self-esteem brain. And if you don't want to deal with my introspection, feel free to skip the rest of this italicized text.

But the outpouring of support from many of you since my WrestleMania preview column (and other questionable content I've written in the OO Forums) has quite frankly surprised me. Though it goes against my “instinct,” this week, I've realized that perhaps there are times when I'm worth saving after all. It's a long road to get to the point where I think I am worth saving overall, but I feel pretty good at the moment.

It's a bittersweet “good.” After talking to one of my closest friends, I've come to realize that a “trigger” (I hate that word in this context) for some of my low moods stems from a particular toxic influence in my life. I had questioned whether it was just me, but I am apparently not the only one to realize this person has become, indeed, quite toxic. So while it hurt to end a twenty-year friendship with someone who I once considered close enough to be a brother, it's created a state of mind that eases a little of the pressure that I had put myself under to be “successful,” whatever the hell that word entails. And thus ends a rather large chunk of personal drama, a pile of bullshit that I should have shoveled years ago instead of letting it pile up as high as it did. Drama sucks, and I'm way too old to allow myself to be affected by it.

I don't know if it's going to matter in the long run, but I'm trying. I hate having self-doubts, I hate feeling hopeless and stuck, and I hate wallowing when I know hard work will pull me out of most of my limitations. That starts with trying to get back to writing precaps, especially since I find them therapeutic. Either way, I'm past the ad box, so let's get to SmackDown before I annoy you too much more.

Segment 1: Seth Rollins hits the ring, alone for once, to open the show as he reminds us how badass he is for dismantling The Shield with a single chair. He has a steel chair to punctuate his point, then sets it and plops his butt down in the middle of the ring before continuing.

Rollins goes on that from his debut, he always said he wanted to be “the best, not one of the best,” which is why he decided to move on and break apart the team in the most dramatic way. And it worked out for him to a point, since he was taken under the wing of The Authority. And he made good on it by winning the Money in the Bank contract so totally by himself, then cashed it in at WrestleMania all by himself too. Doing so “takes the heart of a champion” apparently, especially since he “defeated the Beast” to do it. Not sure Brock Lesnar will be happy about that little declaration.

The point of this revisionist history is that he's the greatest champion of all time, all because of his brilliant plans and accurate visions of the future... but he doesn't have the belt to prove it. But Rollins isn't overly upset; he doesn't need the a piece of leather to prove or validate himself. He says that as much as he thanks The Authority for their efforts, but he doesn't need any of them to beat Dean Ambrose to win the title back at the next Money in the Bank pay-per-view.

That's when Dean Ambrose appears on the Titantron (with a ladder to serve as a prop of his own) and calls Rollins a liar since he needs help for absolutely everything. (Apparently he needed help in the airports because he “has more luggage than a rich girl with daddy issues.”) Ambrose doesn't overly care about the lies that Rollins tells, especially because Rollins's reliance on others has made him weak. Ambrose has been mostly alone for a year due to Rollins's betrayal, and it's taught him how to survive. He gives a metaphor that to reach the top of the mountain you can't be afraid to fall off, and Ambrose has never been afraid to fall. He declares he is the rightful WWE Champion, and he'll enter and leave Money in the Bank with the WWE Championship belt.

That's that, aside from Rollins chewing out the Titantron screen off-mic as Ambrose's music plays. Solid promo that helps stoke the fires, but it doesn't add any additional information. That's not a complaint; I enjoyed it.

Segment 2 [Triple Threat Tag Match for the #1 Contendership to the WWE Tag Team Titles]: The Prime Time Players defeat The Ascension by pin and outlast the Lucha Dragons. Holy shit, this is going to cause me to pause and rewind Hulu like forty times before we're done, isn't it? (Also, I know I'm technically a professional writer and everything, but isn't weird that it's spelled “forty” and not “fourty”?)

Young and Cara to start, which means anyone can tag anyone but it stays with only two legal competitors at once. Chain wrestling to start with each guy getting a “win” on an exchange, though it's the Lucha Dragons who do the most damage with good tag work. But Kalisto is small and falls to Young's speed, although Viktor tagged himself in to start a heel beatdown on Kalisto. The Ascension worked with quick tags and cutting the ring in half, but Kalisto  countered an Irish Whip into his goofy rebound elbow. It's fun to see, but Konnor (improperly) oversold it, falling out of the ring entirely. Viktor came in illegally and charged, but Kalisto ducked it so Viktor flew out of the ring too. Cara then entered the ring and hit a tandem suicide dive with Kalisto take both members of The Ascension down. The PTP ignored them as the Lucha Dragons taunted in the ring, and we went to ads.

Back, and The Ascension have recovered and are doing a true heel beatdown to Kalisto. Kalisto gets a breath as he hits his unique headscissors reversal off the top rope, but Viktor knocks Cara off the apron to stop any hot tag aspirations. Konnor shoots the half, but it's Young who breaks it up, and he takes a forearm to the back of the head for his trouble.

Konnor continues to attack Kalisto, who slips out of big moves and counters a back body drop by landing on his feet. His momentum carried him to the PTP corner, where Titus O'Neil tagged himself in. It's pretty unique that the “hot tag” was not a “planned” one, and the fans actually take a second to react before realizing it is the hot tag.

O'Neil goes house of fire on both members of The Ascension, concluding with a huge scoop slam to Viktor. He goes for the pin, but Cara breaks it up with a Senton Bomb of the top rope. Cara gets to his feet from that and eats a Gut Check from Young, but then Young is thrown out of the ring by Konnor, but then Konnor eats a boot to the gut by O'Neil. Konnor slightly oversells it and leans against the west ropes, but there is a purpose. Kalisto came off the top rope of the east ropes with a vaulting springboard cross body, but O'Neil caught him. O'Neil rather casually walked over to Konnor and threw Kalisto into Konnor's face, thus sending them both over the top rope to spill to the outside. Heh, cute spot.

In the ring, Viktor tried a flash pin but failed. O'Neil then kicked him in the gut, hit the pump handle slam finisher, and made the pin. Done and done, and the PTP are the #1 contenders to the title, an idea that Rick championed on Monday.

And, yes, I had to pause-and-rewind literally about a dozen times, and that was with the Lucha Dragons not doing their usual flippy insanity. I love triple threat matches, especially triple threat tag matches, because everyone is pretty much going full speed from start to finish since they get to rest as necessary without slowing the action. Good stuff, though I'm certain no one really got out of second gear. Still, it gives the PTP some good momentum and justifies their upcoming title match.

Segment 3: Speaking of title match, we crossfade to the New Day standing around and watching the monitor in the back, chattering amongst themselves how they'll so totally be fine and beat the PTP without much issue. Renee Young arrives to ask how they're going to handle them, and their answers are amusing, but it wouldn't work to write in text. The point is, their power of positivity will lead them to defend their tag titles and win (through Kofi) the MitB briefcase.

Oh, and Kane arrives to tell Kofi that he has to face Neville tonight. They lose a little of their positivity.

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: Ryback defeats Stardust by pin. Good lord, where has Stardust been? I almost forgot he existed.

Collar-and-elbow to start with Stardust escaping twice with his speed. Ryback hit a couple basic moves from there but ate feet when Stardust countered a corner Irish Whip. Stardust went to the top rope and came off with a top rope something-or-other, but Ryback caught him and teased a Samoan Drop. However, Stardust was able to tilt-a-whirl himself to escape and come down with a reverse DDT out of nowhere, which woke the crowd up. Pin, only two.

Stardust went for quick strikes from there, mostly low kicks to keep Ryback down. After another failed pin, he went for rest holds, but that didn't work for long. Ryback powered out and shoved Stardust to the corner. Stardust countered a to-corner charge with his elbow, then tried a middle rope something-or-other. Once again Ryback caught him, but this time, he decided to forego any long-winded setup and just came down with a spinebuster. Ryback then signaled for the Meathook Clothesline, hit it, followed up with the Shell Shock, shot the half, and that was that.

Decent match, nothing special, and Stardust was no real threat. As Rick is fond of saying, I can state with authority that this is a thing that happened.

Segment 5: Renee Young interviews Paige, but on the stage rather than in the back. Hm, that's significant.

Renee asks her for her comments regarding her loss on Monday with the (Not)-Twin Magic. Paige complains that Twin Magic is stupid and that nothing ever changes, then one-ups herself and says that the Bellas aren't the ones who are Giving Divas a Chance; they're the ones holding the whole division back. The Bellas are all about living the celebrity lifestyle, while Paige's entire lifestyle is what's happening in the ring.

Then Paige goes off a tangent that, even listening to it twice, I'm not sure how she connected the dots. The point though is that Paige is a firm believer in “If you don't like the world as it is, you have the power to change it.” So, she says, she apparently is going to have to change it. She thanks Renee, then shouts that this is so totally her house.

Huh, nothing else. So, the whole thing with doing it in front of the crowd was... what? To take the temperature of the fans and elicit their live reactions? Just to do some more variety since we pretty much just had a back-stage interview? Good choice either way, as the fans dug it, and Paige's pacing was well done as she looked like she was frustrated but determined to do whatever it is she's going to do. 

Segment 6: Crossfade to the back, where Luke Harper is examining Erick Rowan's old sheep mask. Harper is speaking to... us? I guess? Basically he's saying that we rejected him because “they” don't look like us or act like us. Camera zooms out, and Erick Rowan is with him. Uh oh, heel turn.

Harper tells us that the reaper is at our door, and it's time to pay for our sins. But he provides no additional information, so I guess it'll be time to pay for our sins later. I guess the reaper doesn't have anything better to do than to hang out on the welcome mat for a week.

Pre-Segment 7: Kevin Owens hits the ring without a ring introduction, a tactical move as he opens his promo by saying that he doesn't need an introduction since, after beating Cena clean, we know who he is. Jesus, that's how to start off strong.

Owens says that we all know who he is and what he's about, but Cena still doesn't. In fact, Owens thinks that Cena is completely delusional. See, he used to think Cena was just putting on an act; instead, Cena actually does believe his own bullshit, including on Monday when Cena said Owens wasn't a real man, whatever he meant by it. Owens says there is no happily-ever-after in the world, and Cena should no longer corrupt children's minds with that garbage. He will show the world at Money in the Bank what a real champion, real role model, and real man actually does... by beating the shit out of Cena.

And he's going to prove that once again by declaring his open NXT Championship challenge. Then he steals Cena's phrase as he asks that if you want some, come get some.

No, it's not Samoa Joe, unless Samoa Joe has suddenly decided to relocate to Long Island and invest in some hair gel.

Segment 7 [Singles Match for the NXT Championship]: Kevin Owens defeats Zack Ryder, and retains. Literally in the first half-second, we see character as Ryder offers a handshake, and Owens kicks him in the stomach. (Random thought: is that a call-back to Ring of Honor, or just Ryder being Ryder?) Owens goes with nothing but strikes, though he takes a kick from a cross body counter. Ryder goes strike-happy then, so Owens just bails. Ryder goes to follow, and gets the crap punched out of him for his trouble. He throws Ryder into the barricade, then flings him in the ring.

More strikes from Owens before Ryder hits a top rope dropkick. It barely fazes Owens though, who presently hits the Pop Up Powerbomb pretty much out of nowhere and makes the pin. Less than three minutes, maybe less than two; it did what it needed to do, but I know I'm not the only one who get pissed at WWE for burying Ryder.

After the match, Owens beat the shit out of Ryder some more and hit him with a second Pop Up Powerbomb before stealing Cena's taunt.

Segment 8: Renee is having a busy night as she talks to Sheamus in the back, asking him what she thinks about Roman Reigns. Sheamus gets irritated at the implication that Roman Reigns is considered a “favorite” for the Money in the Bank match, especially in light of how much Sheamus dominated Randy Orton on Monday. Sheamus declares that he's so totally going to win, then so totally go on to win the title. And then he steals Reigns's catchphrase as he says that we can Believe. That.

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Neville defeats Kofi Kingston (w/ The New Day) by reverse-flash pin. Flippy moves from both guys as they open, though Neville gets the better of it. During the second major exchange, Kofi countered an Irish Whip by sliding under the bottom rope, grabbing Neville's ankles as he did so, then pulling him out of the ring. Kofi slid back in the ring and distracted the ref, allowing Big E to behead Neville with a clothesline. Uh oh.

The match went back in the ring as Kofi tried a pin but failed, so he just shoved Neville back out of the ring once more. The ref watched them that time, so E and Woods just stood around and clapped with their rhythm as we went to ads.

Back, and Kofi has Neville in a nerve hold. Neville fights out of it but takes a reverse suplex as a result, and Kofi gets a little cocky, not pressing his advantage. It gives Neville a hope as he goes for several kicks and takes Kofi coast-to-coast as he smacks his head into turnbuckles. One standing moonsault later, Neville tries his first pin attempt but only gets two.

This time it's Neville who doesn't press his advantage, and Kofi reverses a corner charge to smash Neville's face into the corner. Back-and-forth exchange from there sees Neville hit a tornado DDT, then sets up the Red Arrow. However, Woods distracts the ref as E pulls Kofi out of the ring. That just slightly inconveniences Neville, who goes for a high angle moonsault to ringside to put both Kofi and E to the mats.

Neville recovers fine and throws Kofi back in the ring. Woods tries to grab for Neville, who just vaults into the ring to avoid his pointless charge. Kofi tries a roll-up, Neville reverses it into a flash pin of his own, but fails. As Kofi kicks out, Woods hops up on the nearest apron; Kofi's “kick out” sent Neville directly into Woods's path, so Neville knocks him off the apron.

Then comes a slick counter: Kofi goes for a roll up, but Neville maintains his balance and just sits on Kofi's collarbone. As Kofi tries to kick out, Neville just hooks his legs, and Kofi has no leverage to recover. Good stuff, and it gives me cause to use a new noun in the segment header.

So, decent match but nothing special, fun to watch and well-executed, but not exactly anything that's bringing a lot of heat.

Cut Scene: In preparation for the next segment, we see The Miz getting some makeup applied. Is it me, or is he also wearing pink lip gloss? He completes the look with a black head scarf and your mom's white sweater. I have to say, it takes a certain amount of art to intentionally look that repulsive. Miz, I mean, not your mom; she was pretty banging last time I saw her.

Segment 10: It's Miz TV time, and Jerry Lawler's opening statement is “Guys, what is he wearing?” Excellent question.

Anyway, Miz calls down Lana, who hits the ring to solid cheers and a bring smile as she waves to the fans. She takes a seat in the ring as we get replays of Lana's story the last few weeks, and OO doesn't recap recaps.

After the montage, Miz channels a Men's Rights Activist as he says that Lana should have totally stayed with Rusev, especially since Rusev's apology to her was totally legit, and that all she did was abandon him in his time of need. Lana says that Rusev didn't respect her, ergo didn't deserve her, and says is so matter-of-factly that I want to shout “You go, girl!” at my TV because it's apparently 1996 in my head.

For Miz's part, he just sarcastically claps and argues that Lana—who is not that attractive anyway in Miz's mind and therefore isn't going to fall for her wily ways—just dumped Rusev after his losses for the sake of a business decision. Lana retorts that it had nothing to do with business, that Rusev is a jerk; and besides all that, Miz's line of questioning is honestly leaving him two options. Either Lana is going to leave, or she's just going to slap his teeth out of his face.

The fans obviously dig the latter option, and Miz begs off that he just wants Lana's side of the story. But hey, since there's two sides to every story, he's summoning Rusev as a special guest. Lana, once again coming from my favorite “Less Is More” school of acting, just glares at Miz and doesn't betray any surprise or agitation.

Rusev hobbles down the ramp on his crutches, navigating his way into the ring. Lana refuses to look at him until he takes the other seat; Miz abandoned it in favor of helping his new buddy into the ring. Rusev takes up the mic and tries to fumble his way through an apology of sorts as he blames his “caveman ways” on his upbringing, proving that he reads Online Onslaught. He says that while he said he didn't need her, he really does! And since America embraces Lana now, and America is all about second chances, then Lana should give him a second chance too! He begs her by placing his crutches aside, stating he wants to lean to her, and he asks her to be his crutch. Aw, that's... sweet. In a stupid way coming from an asshole (character), but still sweet in a warped, Hallmark kind of way.

Lana stands, states “I'll show you where to put your crutch,” then shoves said crutches into his chest. Not hard, but certainly enough to displace him. He heroically replies by calling her a “stupid woman cow.” That's when Dolph Ziggler hits the ring, says nothing, but offers his arm. Lana takes it, smirks at Rusev, and allows Dolph to escort her from the ring.

Okay, even though I don't normally dig professional wrestling's version of romance and relationships, I have to admit I'm digging this. It helps that Rusev is hitting all the notes that automatically piss me off, and that Lana is playing this as anti-diva as I've ever seen. I mean, it's one thing to act anti-diva like a lunatic, a la Crazy AJ Lee; it's another to act like a normal human being would. Lana is a normal woman with enough self-confidence to know that she tried to make it work with Rusev, realized it wasn't worth it and that he was full of shit, and left before things got too bad for her. Dolph is helping matters too by being a face and not an egotistical douche who is just using Lana as a human tick in the win column just to get one up over Rusev, but it's Lana who is killing the gimmick.

I confess that part of me wonders how the “real” Lana and Rusev are handling this since, if memory serves, they're a real-life couple. On-screen at least, they're both killing it, and I'm happy with the gimmick. Hopefully they don't smash it into the ground though.

Segment 11 [Singles Match]: Roman Reigns defeats Sheamus by disqualification. Collar-and-elbow struggle to open, a draw at first but Reigns gets the first knock down. However, he oversells his own ribs after delivering a shoulder charge. It gives Sheamus a chance to recover and go for strikes, then hit a shoulder charge of his own. Reigns escapes the ring to try to catch his breath; Sheamus follows and eats a clothesline, but Reigns again sells his own pain after delivering the move. Once more, Sheamus gets to recover before Reigns can follow up, driving Reigns spine-first into the ring apron, then military press dropping him onto the announcers' table. Sheamus followed up by throwing him over the table, then tore it apart just to stand on it and glare at him. Then we went to our final ads.

Back, and Sheamus is targeting those ribs with strikes and holds, with a couple punches to the face just for good measure. Sheamus also added on a running senton, because Reigns's ribs hadn't jellified enough. Failed pin from there, but then Sheamus did a modified 10 of Clubs by hitting five rib-targeted punches first. Reigns took the hits but fought back with punches before he could be actually hit with the 10. This set up Sheamus for Reigns's signature running front dropkick on the apron, but Sheamus moved to dodge, which also had the magical ability of hurting Reigns even though Reigns flopped onto the apron as he always does regardless of whether the move hit. Gotta love professional wrestling physics, baby. (To be fair, Reigns technically rocked the ribs on the landing, but still.)

Sheamus, still in the ring, grabbed Reign's arm through the ropes and pulled, making Reigns slam his own ribs into the apron edge a couple times. Sheamus then pulled Reigns into the ring proper, continued with the strikes, then shoved Reigns to the corner and hit a shoulder charge to his ribs. Sheamus tried a second but Reigns dodged, making Sheamus shoulder the post and fall to the mats. Sheamus tried to wrap Reigns's leg around the post from the outside, but Reigns pulled Sheamus with pure leg strength to make him kiss the post instead.

Both guys in the ring then, and Reigns rallies with a couple running clotheslines and a jumping lariat. Reigns continued with punches in the corner but couldn't hold momentum, and Sheamus threw him through the south ropes. However, when Sheamus went to follow, Reigns tripped him and pulled him out of the ring. Sheamus stood leaning with his front leaning against the apron, so Reigns tried a modified version of his signature running front dropkick. This time it hit clean, which meant it had the opposite magical ability, making so Reigns's ribs took no damage in the landing. Again, I love professional wrestling physics.

Reigns tossed Sheamus back in the ring and hit a Samoan Drop, then retreated to the corner and signalled the Superman Punch. That's when Kane's music fired up, and he and J&J Security came from gorilla. This distracted Reigns enough that he suffered a flash pin attempt. Reigns kicked out, but immediately ate the Irish Curse Backbreaker. Pin attempt, still only two.

Both guys to their feet, Sheamus tries a Brogue Kick, Reigns ducks it and counters with the Superman Punch. He pulled himself to his feet and signaled for the Spear, so Kane entered the ring and big booted Reigns in the face. Welp, that's that.

Post-Segment 11: Reigns stood from there, and Kane grabbed him by the throat. Reigns managed to elbow his way out of that, but Sheamus Brogue Kicked him. Then Kane, uh, chokeslammed Sheamus? The hell?

Kane took a mic and announced that the final participant in the Money in the Bank ladder match... is him. Oh. That explains that. He tossed the mic and waited for Reigns to rise, then chokeslammed him clean.

Final Thoughts: Among the final thoughts from the commentators, they said that Kane won the briefcase before, a fact I had completely forgotten and had to look up. It was back in 2010... was that around my long hiatus from Online Onslaught? I totally don't remember that ever happening, and I know I don't watch wrestling as much as I do when OO calls. I wonder if that's depressing, or a sign that I should retire from Online Onslaught. Huh.

Bah, let's not talk about that. But we really shouldn't talk much about SmackDown either, which wasn't all that thrilling. Pure paint by numbers, to quote Rick. I mean, everything had its purpose, but Lana was the lone standout who had actual character growth tonight. Even Kane inserting himself into MitB is meaningless; the guy is a great performer, but his main event challenger days are over, and while he will be an interesting force during the pay-per-view, he's not going to be a credible challenger to win.

That aside, the matches were all decent but none of them were special. Everything technically advanced as necessary, I guess, but you could have safely passed on the episode and not missed a damn thing.

Except for Lana. Seriously, watch that segment, and marvel at the fact that sometimes, just sometimes, WWE's writers let the wrestlers and managers act like normal people. Shocking.

Episode Grade: C