Segment 1: Dean Ambrose hits the ring to recap what's been going on with him the last few weeks, up to and including his confirmation to face Seth Rollins on Sunday for the title, despite being arrested on Monday. This goes on for a while... and OO tries not to recap recaps. Though, I must point out that once again Ambrose mentions a comparison between Rollins and Justin Bieber. I'm sure that's not coincidental.

Pre-Segment 2: The next match is a “Lumberjack Tag Match.” Neat, I haven't seen one of these before, if they've even ever been done. The jacks are Las Matadores, New Day, The Ascension, and the Prime Time Players. Then we go to ads, and then the actual match participants (Cesaro & Tyson Kidd and the Lucha Dragons) are introduced for the actual match.

Segment 2 [Lumberjack Tag Match]: The Lucha Dragons defeat Tyson Kidd & Cesaro (w/ Natalya). Kidd and Cara to start with basic open offense that lets both guys show off their jumpy-flippy action. Kidd's team gets the momentum when he tags in Cesaro, who hits a simultaneous European Uppercut with his partner's full nelson suplex. Good stuff and worth a pin attempt, but only two.

Cara gets a breath against Cesaro and works with Kalisto for some flippy-based offense, but Cesaro makes it look stilted and awkward. Also awkward was Calitso trying a jumping something-or-other (a hurancanrana, I guess?), but Cesaro caught him (and nearly dropped him) in a suplex position. He worked with Kidd to deliver a big move, but Cara tagged back in to take momentum back.

From there, the Lucha Dragons went on a tear and maintained momentum with flippy moves, all fun to watch but hard to describe. They even kept momentum as we entered ads.

Back, and they make me look stupid as Cesaro now has momentum with a headlock on Kalisto. He intentionally breaks it just to fling Kalisto out of the ring, allowing the PTP to throw him back in. It's not the first time the lumberjacks have been involved, but in every instance including this, they haven't actually thrown fists; they just gingerly toss their target, regardless of team, back in the ring perfunctorily.

It's perhaps because of the lack of blows that Kalisto still has the energy to escape Cesaro's momentum, even after a tag to Kidd, to go tag in Cara. Cara goes house of fire and bounces off basically every rope and face in the ring to deliver some hits, but he can't close the deal. In fact, Kidd slips out of the onslaught and tags in Cesaro, who does his new signature corner-to-corner European Uppercuts.

From there, Cesaro signals for the Swing. Kalisto knew what it meant and ran distraction; Cesaro dropkicked Kalisto off the apron, but it gave Cara enough time to recover and hit a tilt-a-whirl arm DDT. By then, Kalisto recovered and tagged in kicked the crap out of Cesaro's face, but he couldn't close the deal either. Cesaro finally got a breath with a throw out of nowhere, which caused Kalisto to fly out of the ring. Cesaro tagged in Kidd as the PTP tossed him back in there.

Kidd then tried a few basic moves to no avail, with Kalisto hitting the Kalisto Kick and going for the pin. Cesaro slid in to break it up, but was dispatched immediately by Cara. After the next exchange, Kalisto was suckered into the Sharpshooter. When he tried to crawl to his partner, Kidd took the time to change the angle and turn 180 degrees so it was then Kidd who faced Cara, leaving Kalisto nowhere to go. So Cara said fuck it and performed a jumping vaulting springboard lariat to break the hold.

Cesaro got involved again, but there wasn't a Pier Four Brawl: he superkicked Cara, who staggered toward the south ropes. Cesaro charged, but Cara countered with a back body drop, sending Cesaro over the ropes, which also took down the PTP, Ascension, and Matadores. Big E and Kofi Kingston ran to the south side of the ring to deal with the lumberjack duties as Xavier Woods stayed at the north ringside to distract and piss off Kidd for no reason.

Once Kidd got himself centered and ignored Woods, he tried to take down Kalisto with a back suplex. However, Kalisto gave himself extra torque in midair, coming down with what can only be described as a sit-out super reverse DDT. Kalisto also took Kidd's legs while sitting on his face, and that was enough for the three.

Jesus. If that's a sign of things to come with just two teams, I daresay that the six-way tag match at Elimination Chamber is already threatening to be Match of the Night. My only concern is that there may simply be too many in the ring to tell a cohesive story, given a potential of twelve (more if you count anyone running distraction outside the chamber). But Royal Rumbles have been booked successfully with just as much chaos, so maybe I'm worrying for nothing. Either way: check out this match on the YouTubes for sure.

Segment 3: Kane is in his office, and Seth Rollins arrives to talk shit about Dean Ambrose. J&J Security talk shit too; Jamie Noble especially loses his damn mind as he reminisces about his childhood for some reason. It's played for laughs but lands dead on arrival.

Anyway, Rollins and Kane face Ambrose and Roman Reigns tonight in a tag match. Rollins idly worries about what Ambrose is going to do tonight. Kane tells Rollins to worry; after all, Kane so totally has a plan. And after he executes it, Rollins won't have to worry about anything this Sunday. Rollins is placated, and we move on to ads.

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: R-Truth extended-reverse-squashes Bad News Barrett by pin. Barrett with all power offense to start things off, and Truth suffers accordingly. Not twenty seconds later, get ourselves a chinlock, so it's going to be one of those matches.

Truth powers out and does some flippy offense, but it doesn't go anywhere as BNB continues suplexes and slams to take him down a couple more times. Then he calls for the Royal Bull Hammer, but Truth ducks it and tries a small package. Only two.

Truth chucks Barrett to the corner, and on the rebound, Truth hits the Lie Detector. One, two... three? Huh, okay.

After the match, Sheamus arrives to nail Truth with a Brogue Kick, just to be a jerk. Then he points at the IC Title Belt sitting on a podium at ringside, then hits Barrett with a Brogue Kick too. Then he poses beside the belt, because we're all idiots and didn't get the point the first time.

Segment 5: Renee Young interviews Lana, who says that she gave Rusev a chance on Monday, thinking he could change his personality, but now she knows better. She declares she won't make that mistake again, and reiterates that she is no man's property, is no “prize toy” or possession of a man.

She dodges a question about whether she and Dolph Ziggler have any sort of relationship, and instead uses it to give Dolph some proxy hype that he'll win the IC Title on Sunday. Any further questions are stopped as Rusev arrives and Renee quietly excuses herself.

Lana isn't intimidated, and Rusev isn't trying for intimidation anyway. She asks if he's here to throw a temper tantrum and stomp his feet again. Rusev calmly answers that there's no point, since he already got his aggression out on Dolph on Monday. But then he asks where Dolph is. Is he just afraid of Rusev, he asks rhetorically?

Lana shrugs that off and accuses Rusev of being slightly jealous. Rusev calmly counters that he's not jealous at all; after all, Dolph will suffer because Lana kissed him. Rusev concludes that Lana “dug her grave, and will rot in it.” In other words, it's Lana's fault that she's with someone else, ergo it's also Lana's fault that Dolph is going to get the shit beaten out of him.

It's an incredibly douchey train of thought that could only be championed by Men's Rights Activists, which means it's perfect fodder for a heel whose (character's) mentality is stuck three or more decades in the past. To Lana's credit, even as Rusev turns his back and leaves, she doesn't look regretful or scared. Perhaps slightly concerned—after all, she knows better than anyone what Rusev is capable of in the ring—but she's not playing the old-fashioned scared, weepy diva. I'm happy.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Ryback defeats Rusev by disqualification. Power-versus-power offense, which means it just looks like Intense Hugging for a minute. I kinda mean that literally, as we have to endure not one, but three Reverse Bear Hugs of Doom. So scintillating.

Things finally get interesting as they both try (and fail) to shoulder-charge the other. Ryback wins the first takedown with a big front kick, then goes punchy-kicky for a moment before Rusev returns the favor. That lasts about five seconds when Rusev tries a suplex, but Ryback counters with a delayed suplex of his own, a crazy fit of balance and strength for both of them. A pin attempt results, but only for a two.

The fans chant to Feed Them More as Rusev goes punchy-punchy to do some damage. Rusev counters a back body drop with a kick to take momentum back, then adds to it with a running clothesline. Pin attempt for two.

Rusev then goes punchy-kicky himself, then just goes for choking him on the rope to the full 4.999 count before resuming strikes. Ryback gets a breath as Rusev freaks out over “We want Lana!” chants, but a hope spot is quickly fizzled out. However, it's not long before Ryback summons the strength to back body drop Rusev over the east ropes to counter a charge. It's all for naught as Rusev bashes Ryback's face off the announce table, then follows up with a Samoan Drop on the black mats out of the ring. Holy shit.

Ads then back, and Rusev is selling his right ankle as he goes for rest holds. When Ryback powers out though, he's able to easily counter everything Ryback does; the story is just that Rusev's ankle is so damaged that he has no speed nor explosiveness. Rusev even tumbles out of the ring and super-sells the ankle; Ryback, being the face, allows Rusev a little time to recover at the ref's behest.

Apparently twenty seconds is enough though, as Ryback exits the ring to take the fight to him. But Rusev, either by playing possum or by desperation, grabs Ryback and throws him face-first into the post. The ref warns him not to use the steel; Rusev does it again anyway to be a dick and draws the DQ.

He doesn't care about the bell though and throws Ryback into the steel stairs anyway. That's apparently enough damage though, as the commentators pretty much stop caring and move on to the next thing.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Paige defeats Naomi (w/ Tamina) by pin. Naomi opens by just doing a bunch of sticking-and-moving and tiny pushes to “taunt” Paige, which works until Paige is sick of this shit and goes for punches. Naomi plays the chickenshit as she hides between the ropes, forcing a break. Paige respects it, then just goes all for punches again. Naomi leaves the ring entirely, but as she reenters, Paige catches her and knees her in the gut for the 4.999 before screaming “This is my house!” And then as Paige reaches for Naomi, the latter catches her and flings her arm against the post.

Naomi reenters the ring and goes for strikes against Paige, who properly oversells the arm. After a few more basic strikes, Naomi goes for the arm with bigger strikes, like dropping knees. Then Naomi applies a submission hold that makes me cry: it's like an armbar, I guess, with Paige's arm around her own neck, and Naomi is pulling up on that while her knee is firmly planted in Paige's back. So... a combination chin lock and armbar with a dash of camel clutch? Is there a name for it? I like it!

Paige eventually wiggles out enough to rise to her butt, but Naomi maintains the armlock and nails a few elbows to Paige's shoulder. Paige absorbs it for a bit, but powers out eventually without fanfare and goes house of fire with pretty much every type of strike in existence. Paige backed off a step and went for a PTO; Naomi slipped it, then they both bounced off opposite ropes. As they did so, Paige kicked Tamina in the face for no reason, then missed a clothesline. Naomi went for a running cross body, but Paige caught her and dropped down with the Ram-Paige. Pin for three. Paige celebrated for a second while watching Tamina, and when she started for the ring, Paige bailed. As Paige headed up the ramp, the Bellas popped out of gorilla to clap for Paige (sarcastically? I can't tell), and Nikki posed with her title. Will she still have it after Sunday? Watch the WWE Network to find out!

...Anyway, that was a short match, maybe a little too short, but it's a decent warmup to the pay-per-view. Also, since it featured all three women, it gives it that little extra sizzle of meaning for the storyline.

Segment 8: Michael Cole of all people is in the ring as we start the next segment, despite not being part of the commentary team tonight. Weird.

As Kevin Owens hits the ring, we get a couple montages of Kevin's activities against John Cena. I'd like to take a moment to be a hipster as I say that I watched Ring of Honor for, like, six weeks straight several years ago and watched Kevin “Owens” do his thing. At the time, I even hoped he would make it to WWE, but figured he wouldn't since I mistakenly thought he was on the short side of WWE's preferred body size. I'm glad I was wrong... and that double-clutch powerbomb of his is sick as hell.

Anyway, Owens is all smiles as Cole recaps what we literally just saw, and he puts himself over. Owens has a... weird accent, but I like the way he cuts a promo, and he's certain he'll totally dominate Cena on Sunday. Boos. Cole starts to say that Cena isn't a normal Superstar, and Owens cuts him off again to say he knows Cena's resume. He concludes the legit numbers with that Cena also has a thousand different ways he sucks. Oh, and that he has nothing to prove to Cena; he thinks Cena has things to prove to him.

Cole brings up that Cena thinks Owens can start a fight, but may not be able to finish a fight. For that, he psychically knows the truck monkeys have a replay of him beating the shit out of Sami Zayn, and kicks it to that. He says that Zayn was his best friend, so imagine what he'll do to someone he dislikes like Cena. Then he realizes that no one has to actually imagine it; we just need to watch Elimination Chamber. Afterward, we'll all know that Kevin Owens is better than Cena, and “the real champ is here,” cue a pose with the NXT title.

Nice. He didn't try anything special or new, but he wasn't boring either. Even in ROH I didn't think he cut the best promos, but it's a “less is more” situation, and he's got the right balance of confidence and cockiness that I dig him.

As Owens leaves, Ambrose's music starts. Ambrose makes his full entrance but pauses on the ramp to make eyes at Owens, who sizes him up as well. Hm... I wouldn't mind seeing that match-up either.

Segment 9 [Tag Match]: Roman Reigns & Dean Ambrose defeat Seth Rollins & Kane (w/ J&J Security) by disqualification. Chicanery starts off the match. As the bell sounds, Reigns and Kane are in the ring as the legal men. J&J run around to the north ringside to harass Ambrose, who turns his back to the ring to yell at them. Rollins enters the ring, runs through it just to shove Ambrose off the apron, then bails before Reigns can touch him. The distraction works though, and Kane beats the shit out of Reigns immediately. Nicely played, heels.

Quick tags and tons of strikes keep Reigns isolated in the heels' side of the ring. Reigns finally gets a breath when he counters a big kick with a belly-to-belly suplex. That gave him a chance to falsely hot tag Ambrose, who didn't get the memo that the match isn't supposed to end yet and goes house of fire on both heels. Ambrose even snatches Rollins out of the air to counter a flying something-or-other and locks in the Dirty Deeds grip, but Rollins slips out as J&J drag him out of the ring by the ankles. This somehow isn't a DQ, but it is an ad break.

Back, and J&J is beating the shit out of Ambrose in front of the announcers' table. The ref turns back to face them as they throw Ambrose in, and he becomes the face in peril as Kane and Rollins keep him isolated.

Nerve hold by Kane as a rest hold, though Ambrose powers out presently. He goes for some desperate strikes but mistakenly goes to the middle rope, whereupon Kane yanks him off. Kane drags him over to the heels' corner and tags out, and once again Rollins keeps Ambrose isolated. It's not a perfect defense as Ambrose delivers a few shots, but Rollins backs away enough to punch Reigns off the apron to make sure Ambrose can't tag out.

As Reigns recovers, the heels cut the ring in half once again. Kane goes for power strikes as Rollins goes for quick strikes. Rollins also applies a modified camel clutch after a running clothesline, though Ambrose powers out of that as well and answers with a half-dozen chops. Rollins knocks him down to counter a charge, then flings him out of the east ropes. J&J assault him again, but this time Ambrose is able to fight back and clotheslines them over the announce table.

That's all well and good, but as he tries to reenter the ring, Rollins hits a baseball slide (sort of; he used the ropes as leverage and came down at an angle rather than an actual slide, but I don't know what else to call it), sending Ambrose back-first into the table. Rollins exited the ring long enough to throw him back in, and the heels maintain momentum.

Rollins whips Ambrose to the corner and lands a few punches, then lifts him to set up a superplex. Ambrose fights it though and knocks Rollins off with a couple headbutts. Rollins rolls over to tag out however, so Kane goes up the same corner. But Ambrose fights him off as well and, after an exchange, Ambrose nails a tornado DDT off the top rope.

Everyone crashes to the canvas, and we get double hot tags. Reigns beats the holy hell out of Rollins, but whiffs on a jumping lariat. Rollins tries to counter it with something but Reigns slips out, then delivers a stiff forearm to the back of Rollins's head, followed by a Samoan Drop.

With Rollins down, Reigns signals for the Superman Punch, but Kane is there cut him off with a readied chokeslam. However, Ambrose breaks the attempt with a flying standing elbow off the top rope. Kane tumbles out of the ring, so Ambrose follows up with a vaulting press to keep Kane down.

Meanwhile in the ring, Reigns signals for the punch again, but whiffs on it. Rollins knocks Reigns down in preparation for something that doesn't work, so Rollins goes to Plan B and tries a low superkick. Reigns dodges it but misses the grab, so Rollins has to leave his leg up a split-second longer than he probably should have just so Reigns could grab him. Fuck it; it looked a tag awkward, but who cares?

Anyway, Reigns takes the leg and goes for a small package. The ref slides in for a count, but Reigns wasn't actually going for a pin; he just wanted to put Rollins on his back. Reigns then stands up, dead-lifts Rollins, and teases a powerbomb. Rollins slips out but eats a punch; Rollins counters with a boot and teases a Pedigree. Reigns slips out and nails a clean Superman Punch, then shoots the half. J&J then slide in the ring to break it up, and that's that the bell.

Ambrose slides in the ring and makes the save, channeling a matador as he tempts Kane, Noble, and Mercury to attack him in dumb ninja fashion as they charge him one at a time... and each one gets tossed through the west ropes for their trouble. Ambrose follows up with a suicide dive to take down J&J, though Kane backed away.

Rollins sees this and tries a suicide dive of his own to take down Ambrose, but Ambrose punches him in the face mid-dive. Ambrose continues the punches to Rollins, and Kane... uh, signals for the back. And it's The New Day? Well that's random. New Day beat the holy hell out of Ambrose... until Reigns hits a suicide dive over the top rope to take down all the heels except for Xavier Woods. Woods gets in the ring and celebrates still having consciousness, but then Ambrose slides in the ring to take him down with Dirty Deeds. Big E slides in the ring and takes a punch, and Kofi tries a diving standing double axe handle off the ropes, but Reigns is there and blasts him out of the air with a mid-air Superman Punch. Then, he adds a Spear to E to finish him off.

That's all well and good for the chaff, but Kane is the wheat, and he slides in the ring to chokeslam Reigns's face off. Ambrose is too late to save him, and Rollins catches him with a Pedigree as well. Rollins and Kane are the only two left standing, and they pose in the ring with the former's title belt.

Final Thoughts: The ending of the main event was crazy-go-nuts, and I loved it. New Day's appearance was... random, though. I mean, what exactly do they have to do with anything? Like, I would have totally bought it if it was The Ascension, since they're just general badasses and mercenary work would be totally within the idiom. Where is the logic that the New Day, whose entire gimmick is eternal (if feigned) optimism in the face of adversity and negative chants, would just buy into Kane's offer? Seems dumb, aside from cheap heat; I hope it wasn't just that.

Maybe I'm thinking too much, and it doesn't matter. The ending was spectacular and chaotic enough to be fun to watch, and it gives Ambrose that extra motivation to do some damage to Rollins this weekend. It'll especially be interesting if New Day (or someone else) stands in Rollins's corner too, since it'll be Ambrose against the world. Fun times.

The tag match was especially good and is worth a watch. The women's match was less good, but as a “sustainable episodic” match, it did its job. Truth's win was surprising, and I hope his star continues to rise for a bit. Regardless, that whole situation—including Sheamus wanting to kick literally everything in the face—is pretty good too and is making the best out of a bad situation with the IC. I'm happy heading into Sunday, even if the episode isn't going to stand the test of time in a vacuum. Also, I used the word “perfunctorily” correctly in a sentence, so that's a win.

So, it's definitely on the lower end of a should-watch, which means you know which letter I'm going to use. And you should watch Elimination Chamber too this Sunday. Whether you do or not, come back to OO, where Rick will have expert commentary! And if you're not going to watch the pay-per-view, how about you stop by Hitbox.tv/pyrofalkonlpe at 8pm Eastern on Sunday and listen to me read to you? (No really, for the show this week, I'll be reading a story and you can participate in it. It's fun!)

I'll be back in a week, folks; hopefully no more unexpected absences from me. Take care.

Episode Grade: B-