Segment 1: We're starting off with a “highly anticipated” MizTV. The Miz and Damien Mizdow hit the ring, at which point the commentators are quick to point out that Mizdow is now Miz's “personal assistant,” rather than stunt double. I don't know when, how, or why that happened; was it on Monday from a segment cut from the Hulu version? Whatever happened, I'm sure “how” is “because Miz felt like it,” and the “why” manifests itself as Miz orders Mizdow to sit at ringside and not high-five anyone, or otherwise draw attention to himself.

This draws cheers, not to mention a wry smile from DB. Reigns takes a mic and lightly threatens DB, promising that DB isn't going to juts “slide in” and take his spot. He declares he will get to WrestleMania, he will face and defeat Brock Lesnar, and then he will become the WWE World Heavyweight Champion. And he'll do that after beating DB at Fast Lane, so there. But why wait, since he “sees in DB's eyes” that he's itching for a fight.

DB picks up a mic... but then helps Reigns clear the furniture from the ring as he nods his assent without a word. But any action will be postponed as Seth Rollins hits the stage to talk some shit. Mostly, Rollins is pissy that he was this close to defeating DB on RAW (which would mean Seth would have taken DB's spot in Fast Lane), but Reigns was the one who punched Rollins (behind the ref's back) to help DB get the win. Rollins is sure that Reigns is simply afraid of Rollins, and, you know, that's totally understandable.

Reigns doesn't buy it with the most adorable “You've gotta be kidding me” face, but Rollins runs down his recent run and resume... though it's filled with a lot of “I was close to...” incidents. But Rollins isn't juts here to blather; he's here to deliver a message that DB has a match tonight against Rollins, Jamie Noble, and Joey Mercury. DB doesn't seem scared, and Reigns continues to be amused.

Segment 2: After ads, Renee Young interviews The Miz, who is pissy about how things went for him already, and he's pissy that he's not in the main event tonight. He's mostly angry at Reigns right now, and he's going to show off that anger “if Reigns accepts his challenge tonight.” Hm... Miz wouldn't risk a one-on-one match, so I'm curious where they're going with that. Of course, the commentators sell it as, “Is Miz crazy for going one-on-one against him?,” but Miz didn't say that was the challenge. Hell, he didn't say the challenge was even a match, so... we'll see.

Segment 3 [Tag Match]: Ryback & Dolph Ziggler defeat Gold & Stardust by pin. Ryback and Stardust to start, with Ryback getting all the offense due to his power. Quick tags to Dolph (and back) help cut the ring in half. This includes a weird stereo “shake rattle and roll” elbow drop from Dolph followed by a splash from Ryback. Sort of felt like an homage to New Age Outlaws or something.

Anyway, after getting hit with that combo, Stardust bailed to catch his breath. He reentered the ring, tagged out, and the heels still didn't get anywhere. Ryback's power was too strong... until Stardust dodged a charge, sending Ryback shoulder-first into the post. Ryback oversold it as he fell out of the ring, and we went to ads.

Back, and the heels have Ryback controlled in their corner. Double-team moves, quick tags, you know the formula. Ryback gets a breath when he counters a Goldust charge into a back body drop to send him over the top rope. Goldust recovers enough to get back in and tag out, but Stardust's first move is to go with a top rope something-or-other, which Ryback just punches him in the ribs to stop. Hot tag to Dolph, house of fire, though a dropkick from Stardust snuffed out his rally.

Stardust took a moment to breathe, and meanwhile Goldust screamed at him from the heels corner, demanding a tag. Of note, Goldust called him “Cody,” which upset Stardust enough that he “tagged out” by chopping Goldust in the chest. Goldust took the tag and entered the ring, but Stardust left it entirely and started heading for the back. Goldust was still screaming at him, giving Dolph a chance to superkick him and tag out to Ryback. Ryback hit a Shell Shock without resistance. Pin, three, done.

Segment 4: To celebrate Black History Month, WWE is going to give us some montages of African-American wrestlers. Tonight's montage is about Ernie “The Big Cat” Ladd. Am I going insane, or did they do this last year too? I mean, I'm not complaining—I find it neat—but they're basically using the exact same montage, commentary, and everything. I suppose there's no reason to update it anyway, since history is history, you know?

Pre-Segment 5: Curtis Axel is in the ring as we come back from ads. He points out that he was never eliminated from the Royal Rumble match, since Erick Rowan beat him up before he even managed to technically get involved. Since Axel is totally 100% sure he would have won that match, he wants us to “join the movement” and start using #AxelMania so he can get his title shot.

And while he shouts “AxelMania” repeatedly, Dean Ambrose makes his entrance. Uh oh.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Dean Ambrose defeats Curtis Axel by pin. It's all Ambrose early on with punchy-punchy offense, with a couple clotheslines and elbows thrown in for good measure. Axel gets a breath when he charges Ambrose in the corner after a reversed Irish Whip. Axel went with punchy-punchy offense of his own, then threw Ambrose over the east ropes to continue the offense on the commentating table. But when Axel tried tossing Ambrose into the ring, he (Axel) gave the stink-eye to Michael Cole for no apparent reason, rather than keeping his eyes on his opponent. Behind his back, Ambrose caught the bottom rope and swung himself back onto ringside, then clotheslined Axel from behind, putting him down.

That was pretty much the end of Axel's try. Ambrose chucked him into the ring, hit a running bulldog, then tried an elbow spike from the top rope. Axel blocked that and tried a Perfect Plex, but Ambrose blocked it and counter with a clothesline. He picked him up, hit Dirty Deeds, and that was that.

Post-Segment 5: Bad News Barrett pops up on the Titantron for his own shitty gossip segment, called Bad News Zone, or BNZ, with a TMZ-styled logo. Barrett takes about 60 seconds to state that he's not giving Ambrose a title shot. Whatever.

Cut Scene: We're told that a Miz vs. Reigns match has indeed been booked at Miz's request. Weird. I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Pre-Segment 6: During Adam Rose's entrance, he tries to crowd-surf on his Rose Buds, but they drop him. So he starts beating the shit out of all the (male) Rose Buds before getting in the ring.

Or rather, before Fandango hip tosses him into the ring. Heh.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Fandango (w/ Rosa Mendes) defeats Adam Rose (w/ Rose Buds) by pin. Punchy-choppy offense from Fandango, though Rose reverses an Irish Whip and brings some kicks in the corner... though Fandango kinda oversold them all, and the crowd didn't really care. After a short-arm clothesline from Rose, Fandango found himself on the apron. Rose kicked him, then exited to the apron, then did a modified back suplex to slam him onto the apron.

Rose tossed Fandango back in the ring, bitched at the Rose Buds, then reentered the ring. But Fandango tried a flash pin, failed, but took down Rose anyway. He then hit his trademark top rope leg drop, called The Last Dance, and made the pin. The female Rose Buds didn't seem too upset... in fact, they kinda cheered.

Pre-Segment 7: Miz orders Mizdow to sit, then immediately orders him to stand up again to hand him a mic. Mizdow does, but he flourishes the microphone, which draws cheers, which pisses off Miz. Heh, cute.

I get it. Mizdow's mimicry started maybe getting stale, and certainly repetitive. It wasn't quite there yet, but we've seen and gotten on board with his mimicking. So now, Miz “demotes” him to just sit in the corner and do nothing. It's brilliant, because now we've come to the point where Mizdow does literally anything, mimicry or not, he's going to get super-cheered just because he's going to make a show of it, and it'll stick it to The Miz. Whichever WWE Creative Team member or members has come up with this whole thing should definitely get a gold star. This is about as well-paced of a character development I've seen in... well, maybe years for WWE.

Anyway, Miz calls Mizdow a “stupid idiot” as he grabs the mic and demands to see Reigns in the ring right the hell now, since Reigns has embarrassed him on Miz TV for the last time. Reigns is happy to respond and makes his way through the crowd presently, and... huh, I guess this really is happening as advertised? Color me surprised.

Oh, Reigns doesn't even get into the ring. As soon as he gets to the apron, Miz sucker-punches him off and throws him into the stairs. Referee John Cone gets run over as well as he tries to pull Miz off. Miz does relent long enough to reset everyone in the ring, though Reigns is hurting as the bell rings to officially start the match.

I'd like to point out here that I think it'd be hilarious if WWE fines or suspends The Miz for laying his hands on a ref (even accidentally), and Miz counters by forcing Mizdow to pay the fine or suspension in his place. You could do a one-off week where we see how Mizdow spends his Monday night (or Thursday night I guess) trolling around the town on his own while Miz actually shows up to work. Not that I have any hope in a zillion years that it would happen, but it would be pretty funny.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Roman Reigns defeats The Miz (w/ Damien Mizdow) by pin. With Reigns still smarting over the cheap shot, Miz has free reign to kick his ass with rapid punches and kicks. Then Miz throws Reigns to the corner and charges, to which Reigns replies with a beheading clothesline. Welp, there goes Miz's advantage.

Miz does get one shot in on a counter to a back body drop, as he kicks Reigns in the shoulder. But Reigns answers with a clothesline. The fight spills outside, and Reigns clotheslines him again even as he demands Mizdow “do something.” Mizdow, to his credit, kinda half-smirks.

Back in the ring, Miz is able to big boot Reigns, goes for rapid punches, then goes for more punchy-kicky as he tries a pin. Failed, so he goes for a face lock and basic chin locks. Reigns powers out, but Miz hits his trademark neck drop and neckbreaker combo. Pin, but only two.

Miz continues the heel offense, but Reigns jumps out of the corner with a clothesline when Miz tries a charge of some sort. Reigns follows up with more clotheslines, then wants a Samoan Drop. Miz slips out and tries a DDT, but Reigns blocks it. Reigns dead-lifts Miz up to his shoulders, then hits his Samoan Drop to facebuster, whatever it's called. Miz stands up from that to eat up a Superman Punch, then stands up from that to eat a Spear. Fin.

I dunno. Maybe I underestimated Miz. I mean, we all knew how that one was going to turn out, but Miz made a go of it, and the commentators did a good job reminding viewers that Miz isn't totally useless, being a former champion and all. Fair enough, and the crowd seemed to be happy with things, though as usual I take much of pre-taped crowd with a bit of salt.

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Rusev (w/ Lana) defeats Erick Rowan by submission. Exchange of punches to open, and a big boot from Rowan puts Rusev down early. Rowan continues roughneck offense with a side shoulder charge, and Rusev bails. Rowan chases and flings him back in the ring, then continues the offense... until Rusev hits the spinning back kick, which always looks sick to me given his size. He tries a pin that early, only for two.

Rusev goes kicky-kicky offense from there, peppering it with some spike elbows. Rowan snuffs out the rally with his own clotheslines and a weird hip toss, then even a flying spinning elbow off the middle rope. Headbutts and corner punches make Rowan look more in control, but Rusev slips out of the corner punch and kicks Rowan's knee out, sending Rowan crashing to the canvas. Rusev then stomps his spine and slaps on the Accolade, and Rowan taps after about ten seconds. Huh.

Of note, Pissy Ref was the ref in charge, and he was decidedly less pissy. I suppose WWE had him contain his personality a bit? It makes me a little sad.

Segment 9: Renee Young interviews Paige in the back, who confesses that she was “really embarrassed” because she got spray-tanned by the Bella Twins on Monday. And with that sentence, WWE's ability to write women characters worth any sort of damn hits an all-time new low.

Paige goes on with usual “anti-establishment” rhetoric: she's not a “cookie-cutter cutie-pie,” she's a nonconformist, she's pale, blah blah fucking blah. I check out: this could have been way, way better. Paige has little conviction behind the words, and I'd bet a paycheck that deep down, even Paige is irritated that she has to express herself and her character this way. It's hokey, and it's stupid, and even middle school-aged girls wouldn't be this “I'm a nonconformist, so everyone is against me!” faux-passionate despite Paige's goth shtick. Ugh.

And trust me, this is no slam on Paige herself; like many of the wrestlers, she can't really go off-script all that much. But this is why AJ (and if we go to the men's division: CM Punk) went over so well compared to this dreck: rather than falling back on immature girl tropes, AJ would approach it as, “They can be immature douchebags all they want, because while they're playing with jars of spray tan, I'm in the gym training to be the next champion, and I'll prove it at Fast Lane” kind of thing. If Paige's character really is a “nonconformist” (whatever that means in this context) and doesn't take this kind of petty bullshit, then the proper play is to rise above it and point out why it doesn't matter for her, not to stoop to the Bellas' level and actually respond to it. That would get cheers, send the right message, and give Paige an actual moral victory even though the Bellas don't even appear on-screen.

I don't even really care that the Bellas are acting like chodes. As heels, and if it's only those two, then find: act like immature idiots. It works in a vacuum. But to bring the entire women's division down to their level for whatever stupid ass-backwards philosophy that WWE insists on forcing onto us, it's just cutting off their dicks to spite their pelvises.

Or, shit, what do I know? Maybe it doesn't matter? Maybe the divas division just doesn't matter? Maybe I'm the only one who cares about this anymore? Maybe I should shut the fuck up and get the SHIMMER DVDs I kept saying I would two years ago and never did?

Whatever. Next segment, after ads.

Segment 10 [Singles Match]: Paige defeats Alicia Fox by submission. Paige doesn't waste time and hits a Lou Thesz Press, but Fox answers with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, then dumps her rather violently outside the ring. In fact, Paige hits the mats so hard (Alicia just picked her up, pushed her between the ropes, then just fucking dropped her), referee Mike Chioda slides out to check on her. No signal, so I guess Paige is okay, but Alicia does waste a little time preening to the crowd before doing anything.

Paige takes the ten-count, getting back in at eight. Alicia then puts on a short clinic of suplexes, including her sick Northern Lights Suplex with the toe bridge, which is just amazing to see. While Alicia continues the offense, Byron Saxton on commentary completely rewrites diva history by stating that “The Bella Twins have been the faces of the divas division for the past seven years,” a statement that is such a baldfaced lie that Saxton's eyes and nose probably disappeared after those lines were fed to him. Jesus, I hate WWE sometimes.

Anyway... Paige hits a rally to little crowd reaction, but she finishes with the PTO. I love seeing that move. Alicia has no choice but to tap.

So, okay. Paige looks strong, and Alicia continues to hold her own. But, c'mon WWE... just... c'mon.

Segment 11: ...And we smash cut from that to an “earlier this week” segment where Tyson Kidd showed up late (and with Cesaro in tow) to a double date with Jey Uso, Naomi, and Natalya; and Paige doesn't get replays or more than ten seconds of congratulations from the commentators on her win. Good to see WWE's priorities in order.

Anyway, there is a little amusement here as Natalya protests this was supposed to be a “double date,” which Kidd counters with, “Oh, I thought you meant like 'Canadian Doubles,' like tennis, which is a three-player game, which is why I brough Cesaro with me.” It's stupid, but it's just this side of funny that I'm giving it a partial pass.

Anyway, Kidd talks some stupid bullshit, and Jey calls him out on it. Kidd says that he doesn't need catchphrases or dances like the Usos have, that he and Cesaro are awesome in-ring competitors. Nattie says she actually likes what the Usos do; Kidd gets angry at her.

Since Nattie is apparently playing the role of a battered wife at this point, Naomi takes a stand and says that she doesn't like seeing what Kidd is doing to her. Natalya, obviously, defends Kidd's actions anyway. Kidd calls her a former Funkadactyl; Jey gets pissy at that label, and Kidd hides behind Natalya as he non-apologizes. Why am I recapping this shit in this much detail?

Anyway, Kidd tips the table, Cesaro punches him in the face, Kidd's parting words are “Who's the jackass now?” Kidd and Cesaro run off, and Natalya says that Naomi just ruined everything for everyone, before running after her husband.

Ugh. If I thought this was actually some sort of mature commentary on abusive relationships, I'd actually give it a pass, but—

You know what? Fuck it. I'm not writing anymore about this.

Segment 12: Bray Wyatt shows up on the Titantron to talk crazy bullshit. He's the spirit of perpetual negation, and is the reaper! No one is immune to him, and there will be repercussions to “your” actions. (Who is he talking to?) But since we're blinded by pride, the devil is knocking on our door; the devil just wants us (or whoever) to come home. Just let him in. Just let him in! Just let... Bray in.

Fin. And cold fear shiver.

Segment 13 [1-on-3 Handicap Tag Match]: Daniel Bryan defeats J&J Security & Seth Rollins by submission. Mercury starts and goes for a fake “test of strength,” which doesn't work. DB takes him down a couple times, but Mercury plays the chickenshit heel and tags in Noble. Noble doesn't fare much better, losing a tie-up and taking arm damage. DB goes kicky-kicky, and Noble oversells.

Noble bails to play chickenshit too, then tags in Rollins. After a staredown and some shit-talking, Rollins delivers one elbow and acts like he won the Super Bowl. DB takes him down with a dropkick, but can't really sustain momentum. Once they're both on their feet, Rollins shoves DB to the heels' corner. Rollins allows the break, and the idea is for J&J to sucker-punch DB behind the ref's back. But DB is no fool, scouts it, and forearms both guys off the apron. However, it's enough of a distraction that Rollins runs at DB and shoulder-checks him to the canvas.

From there, Rollins has the offense, going for neck-targeted offense. After a neckbreaker drop, he tags in Noble, who has no problem keeping DB down with repeated elbow drops to the collarbone. DB tries to reverse his fortunes, but Noble slips out of his attempts. DB still fights on, not quite falling into a “heel beatdown” victim role. DB whiffs on a running dropkick thanks to shenanigans, allowing Rollins to pull him out of the ring and fling him into the barricade. DB sells the neck as we go to our final ads.

Back, and now the heel beatdown is on as Rollins is in the ring. Rollins does some nice storytelling as he screams at DB, “Do you want to know what it's like to fight Brock Lesnar?,” then hits a German Suplex and screams “That's what it feels like!” Nicely done.

Rollins then tags out, and J&J work with each other to cut the ring in half (not that they technically need to) as they double-team DB and continue to bring the pain. Rollins talks shit to much though, rather than going for any covers. DB's fortunes slightly change when both he and Rollins both go for cross bodies, smashing their ribs together at full speed. DB is first to his feet and delivers a few punches, but Rollins throws him face-first into the middle turnbuckle to snuff out the mini-rally.

Rollins then tags in Noble, who immediately tags in Mercury. Rollins hops up to the top rope and sits on, and J&J help put DB up on Rollins's shoulders, basically to set up a top rope triple powerbomb. Except J&J stupidly turn their backs on the situation, and DB counters with a Frankensteiner. J&J, with their turned backs, hear the impact and assume it's DB who took the hit, so they raise their arms in victory like morons. DB kicks the shit out of Noble; Mercury gets a couple hits in, but when he whips DB to the corner, DB does his trademark backflip evasion, then suicide dives through the ropes to blast Rollins out of his boots; I hadn't even noticed Rollins bailed from the ring at that point.

DB scrambles to the apron and guillotines Mercury on the top rope, then follows up wit ha top rope dropkick to take both J&J down. He follows up with self-dueling Yes Kicks, but Rollins takes his back before he can deliver the finale. Rollins tries another German, but DB lands clean on his feet, then clotheslines Rollins over the north top rope. He sends Noble after him, then puts Mercury (who is the legal man) down with a spinning kick.

DB retreats to call for the flying knee, but Rollins pops up on the apron. DB changes direction to forearm Rollins off it, but Mercury goes for a flash pin. DB slips out and smoothly transitions to the Yes Lock, which Mercury taps out to after about a half-second.

Post-Segment 13: Except of course it's not that simple, and Rollins slides in the ring to enact some vengeance. But DB knows the tricks, and he slides out of the ring himself and scrambles up the ramp. Rollins throws a temper tantrum in the ring as DB leads the fans in Yes chants.

Oh, except Kane blasts him from the back on the stage, then tosses him into the ring. The four-on-one beatdown commences, which includes two chokeslams and a Curb Stomp. The four members of The Authority pose over DB's fallen figure to close out the show.

Final Thoughts: It's crazy late; I had to run out to Wendy's during this, since I love blue cheese, and the new Bacon & Blue Burger was calling my name. Like, literally, the burger said “Pyro! Come down and order me! You know you want me!” So I did. Which means it's after midnight by the time I got the recap done.

But hey, the night was pretty decent (when you remove the goddamn diva division bullshit), and we had three matches end by submission. That's gotta be some kind of record in the modern era, right?

I think I said what I needed to say otherwise. I haven't felt like precapping, because trust me, none of you want details about the shit I want to talk about; we've been down that road before, and in this situation, I've learned that it's just better to say nothing than to risk saying something wrong. But despite the lack of precaps, I've noticed my recaps are getting longer and longer. It's like I'm trying to be a real analyst or something. Perish the thought.

Episode Grade: C