I was not surprised Roman Reigns was booed; I was surprised he was booed that dramatically. Perhaps I'm also thinking that the boos were directed to Reigns, but they were probably directed at WWE and their booking, rather than Reigns himself. Sort of like how, if you turn into a screaming, cursing maniac in a checkout line, it's rare that you're angry at the actual cashier who's standing there, since it's unlikely you even know him; but he's the face of the company when you start your tirade, so he's the one you cut down instead of it taking it out on upper management.

Regardless: I apologize for any stupidity I showed on Sunday. It's not like I don't “get” why WWE is considered to have screwed the pooch with the Royal Rumble for two years running. I totally get it, though I stand by what I said that I feel the reaction was amplified being in Philadelphia instead of, say, the South. (That last paragraph in my recap wasn't added later; I knew at the time that Philly crowds care more about in-ring action than drama, but I'm still surprised they're that vocal. Then again, I didn't watch ECW back when it existed, so what the hell do I know?)

Alright, let's get to tonight's episode, which will probably be something special since they canceled RAW. And, hell, SmackDown was even live, and will likely contain stuff that was booked for the A-show. Should be fun. Let's hope I don't screw up anything up this time.

Segment 1: Triple H hits the ring to start off the show. Trips surprisingly gets a couple cheers as he makes a couple jokes at the expense of the weather, since he (along with the rest of WWE) hates being told what to do, which is why they did, uh, whatever they did on Monday. They also were told they couldn't hit one million subscribers on WWE Network, but they do now. And just like they couldn't be told they couldn't do a live SmackDown, they are. So... yay. Or something. I don't know. He got some cheap pops. He also went for ball jokes as he insults the NFL in general, and Roger Goodell and Tom Brady in particular. It got chuckles, so that's a win, I guess.

Anyway, Trips actually gets to his own product as he says that at the next pay-per-view (which is WWE Fast Lane, if you're scoring at home), he will come face-to-face with his main problem, that being Sting. He didn't say he'd have a match, because they sure as hell wouldn't blow their load on that outside of WrestleMania.

Trips goes on that Royal Rumble was a success, and when he gets booed, he brings up that the triple threat title match was super awesome, which draws cheers. He gets more cheers when he says that Cena proves that he “is the past,” Seth Rollins proves he's “the future,” and that Brock Lesnar proves he's the beast and the champ.

But Trips does say that there is certainly controversy and lunacy concerning the Royal Rumble itself, and we get to see why with a video replay. Back to live, and they're booing up a storm again as Trips says that he'll totally do something about this controversy... next Monday. Whatever his announcement will be, it will “shake WWE to its core.” Sure buddy.

So that was basically a long-ass ten-minute speech about literally nothing. Then Reigns hits the ring through the crowd, and he gets about 70/30 boos-to-cheers as he faces down Trips. Reigns demands to know what “controversy” there even is, since he won the match, and he's totally going to WrestleMania.

Trips shrugs and says that, indeed, Reigns won that match... so let's see if he can win his match right now against Big Show.

Then we go to ads. So, seriously, what the hell good did that entire 14-minute segment get us that couldn't have been said in, like, thirty seconds flat?

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Roman Reigns defeats Big Show by pin. Above average match, though I have a feeling WWE sweetened the sound a little.

Standard exchange of moves to open, though Big Show got the better of it and manhandled Reigns like he was a cruiserweight. Once Show gets Reigns down once, he switches to Heel Beatdown Mode, with roughneck offense mixed in with punchy-kicky stuff. Reigns got a prayer when he clotheslined Show over the top (which actually took two clotheslines since Show didn't have enough torque on the first one), which were “shades of the Royal Rumble.” Then we went to ads.

Back, and we see that during ads, Show hit Reigns with a low spear. Reigns sold the knee, and Show went all knee-targeted with his offense from there. Reigns's next hope came from the stupidest botched head scissors I ever saw, as Reigns basically fell off Show's shoulders in the attempt and Show had to throw himself over the top rope. No “You fucked up!” chants, but Byron Saxton on commentary didn't make anything better by declaring that Show “just lost his balance.”

Reigns hit his trademark floor-to-apron front dropkick, then took the fight back in the ring. Reigns continued the offense, including a sick Samoan Drop, not an easy thing to do to Show. Show rolled out of the ring from there, and Reigns followed up with a flying elbow from the apron, but he sold the knee again on the landing.

Both guys reentered the ring from there, and Reigns tried the Superman Punch. Show countered it with a chokeslam, tried for a pin, but failed.

So then Show decided that going up the ropes was the best idea, but it took him forever; long enough for Reigns to nail him with two Superman Punches. Reigns then threw Show off the top rope, waited for him to get up, then speared him in half. Pin, three, done.

Segment 3: Vince McMahon had a to-camera promo to hype WWE Network.

Segment 4: WWE announces that the second inductee to the 2015 Hall of Fame class is Arnold Schwarzenegger to the celebrity wing.

Segment 5: Seth Rollins hits the ring and talks shit all the way down as he says how awesome he is, which he so totally proved at Royal Rumble. Seems like a stretch since he's not wearing gold, but whatever: he talks about how close he came to winning the match, and that he totally broke Lesnar's ribs. So sure, he didn't leave as the champion, but he feels like a winner, especially since he's still got the Money in the Bank briefcase.

He's feeling so awesome that he issues an open challenge to everyone in the entire building, fans included apparently, to face him in a match. After a nanosecond of no response, he says that clearly everyone is scared of him.

Then Ryback comes out. He gets in the ring, then gets assaulted by J&J Security. Erick Rowan appears to make a save, though Rollins fights him off. Then Dolph Ziggler hits the ring, and he tries to make a save. One clusterfuck of flailing later, J&J rescue Rollins from a Shellshock, and the three heels are in retreat.

Pretty worthless segment, if you ask me.

Segment 6: Kane cuts a promo from the back as he lovingly strokes the casket, then goes on to describe what he's going to do to Daniel Bryan in their match tonight. It's decent, but not worth repeating.

Another worthless segment.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Tyson Kidd (w/ Cesaro & Natalya) defeats Jey Uso (w/ Jimmy Uso & Naomi). Basic exchange of moves early, nothing to note. Kidd got the early exchange as Jey (properly) oversold a throw to the corner, selling the knee in an awkward fall into the ropes. Kidd went with a knee-targeted offense from there, but Jey got a breath and started his hope sequence. Cesaro ran distraction, and Jimmy punched him in the face; however, it was enough for Kidd to regroup. When Jey went for a charge, Kidd dropkicked his knee, then followed up with... uh... I forget what it's called. It's basically a fisherman suplex to a neckbreaker. Whatever it was, it was enough for the three.

When Natalya went to give Kidd a post-match kiss, Kidd recoiled. Is this just part of his character at this point, or is it actually building to something (that hopefully has nothing to do with that one “reality” TV show)?

Segment 8: Back from ads, and Rusev is pacing in the ring with Lana. Rusev talks shit about John Cena and how Cena isn't worthy to be facing him. It's one stupid thing after another as he says that Cena has no heart, and that he's a loser, but doesn't bother actually state what makes him think that way.

Then Cena pops out of the back, then goes hyper-intense as he runs down the resume. This makes Rusev leave. Cena replies that he'll totally beat him at Fast Lane. The champ is here, Cena concludes ironically.

Ugh. Another wasted segment.

Segment 9: Renee Young tries to interview Paige in the back, but then the Bella Twins arrive to lightly insult her with shit that would sound stupid in eighth grade, let alone from allegedly grown women. Paige responds by punching Brie, but the twins team up to put Paige on her ass.

Yet another wasted segment.

Pre-Segment 10: We see a pre-taped to-camera promo from The Ascension during their entrance. If they were trying to be legit, I'd find them ridiculous; but given that they're an homage, they are awesome. I'm on board.

Segment 10 [Tag Match]: The Ascension defeats Gold & Stardust by pin. Stardust owns the early exchange over Viktor, but when Viktor shoves him into Konnor then forearms him in the back of the head, Stardust stays down. The Ascension work with rapid tags and cut the ring in half to keep Stardust contained.

The Dusts get a bit of a rally but can't do anything with it, especially since when Stardust went for his rebound flash kick, Konnor (illegal at the time) shoved him off the ropes. Viktor forearmed Goldust off the apron, and The Ascension hit the Fall of Man to Stardust.

Of note, Stardust made himself vulnerable when he tagged himself in at the end, which sort of disrupted the team. Nothing further happened, but it's another possible piece of showing Stardust wanting to break away.

Segment 11: Some guy I don't know is showing R-Truth, Zack Ryder, Summer Rae, and Alicia Fox a stupid magic trick in the back. They're easily impressed, but The Miz and Damien Mizdow arrive to say and that they very much are not. Some Guy says that he's a huge fan and always wanted to do magic for an A-Lister. Miz is all smiles, and the guy goes, “No, I wasn't talking to you,” then shakes Mizdow's hand. Burn!

Miz isn't happy. So then the guy shows Miz a trick, stupidity ensues, and Miz literally winds up with egg on his face. Truth unfortunately says “The yolk's on you” before everyone leaves.

I... I could be working on my book right now. What am I doing with my life?

Segment 12: Bray Wyatt cuts a to-camera promo filled with batshit insanity as usual. He assures us that he's not like us; he's legion, he fears nothing, and he does things that keeps our mommies and daddies up worried at night. So he assures us that he'll transcend mankind, and once he does, it'll be hard for us to ever smile again, or something. I can't wait to see it, buddy.

Segment 13 [Singles Casket Match]: Daniel Bryan defeats Kane. Basic striking offense from both guys for the feeling out sequence. They exchange a couple casket teases but nothing of note. Good opening sequence though for the first act as we go to ads.

Back, and Kane is fully in control. Neat spot as Kane had DB by the throat and had him in the casket, though DB held on to the bottom rope and kicked the shit out of Kane's face until he relented. After another attempt by Kane to toss DB in, DB skinned the cat and tried to pull Kane into the casket with his ankles.

When Kane exited the ring to get a breath, DB came flying off the top rope with a vertical splash to take him down. But DB couldn't maintain momentum, and soon he found himself tossed into the casket again. This time, Kane was able to attempt to close the lid, but DB resisted with his feet. Kane's arms couldn't overcome DB's legs, and a couple kicks to Kane's face fully broke Kane's efforts. Kane reeled away, and DB jumped off the edge of the casket toward him... and ate a midair gut punch. This led to our final ads.

Back, and Kane's still in control with punchy-kicky offense. DB got another rally with Yes Kicks and a suicide dive through the ropes to put Kane down. But Kane soon tossed DB into the timekeeper's area, then into the commentators' laps. Then Kane found a chair and delivered a couple shits to DB's back.

Kane dragged DB around to the other side of the ring and slammed DB's face into the casket, then ordered it open. Kane teased a Tombstone Piledriver, but DB slipped out and guillotined Kane on the top rope. DB hit a couple running dropkicks, but on his third attempt, Kane countered with a chokeslam.

Kane rolled DB into the casket again, but DB again kicked him away. Then Kane reached for DB, and DB used some weird wiggling to apply a modified Yes Lock with a bit of a spin to get Kane into the casket. DB went for the lid, but Kane blocked it with his hand. DB responded with Yes Kicks, but a throat strike stopped it, and Kane finally got out of the casket.

Back in the ring, Kane spun DB inside-out with a clothesline. Kane continued his offense and wanted a chokeslam, but DB slipped out and stood near the ropes. Kane charged, DB ducked and brought the top rope with him, and Kane flew into the casket once more. He resisted, but DB kicked him in the face, stunning him. DB retreated, led the crowd with Yes Fingers, then hit the running knee, sending Kane into the casket for good. DB slammed the lid closed... though not before a bad camera angle saw Kane not-so-subtly adjusting himself inside. Heh, easily ignored though.

DB did Yes Fingers while standing on the casket as we closed out the night.

Final Thoughts: A metric fuck-ton of worthless segments makes me question what WWE's plan was in the first place. You would think with three extra days to prepare, they would...

Oh, who gives a fuck. This episode happened, and one good match (and one decent match) wasn't enough to save it. Fuck it all. I'm too tired to try to pretend I know what I'm talking about anymore.

Episode Grade: Whatever