Segment 1: Daniel Bryan hits the ring dressed to compete to open the show, though he's here to talk for now. DB says there's a bunch of things he could talk about—as he summarizes the Cliff's Notes of the biggest storylines—but what he wants to talk about is Ryback, Erick Rowan, and Dolph Ziggler. Except, since they're rehired, DB just calls them down to the ring in turn. Massive pops all around,
 

Rowan gets the mic next, says that being gone was sort of a blessing, since he had time to think. He reflected that he was “a different person... someone's puppet.” So now Rowan has seen himself in a new light, and now he (or “we” if he includes his sheep mask) knows who “he really is.” Huh, okay... character growth, but we'll see where that goes. Also, the fans gave that a lot of applause, and Rowan proves he can cut a decent promo. I hope that wasn't just bullshit and that there's some sort of actual... change or something.

Dolph gets the mic lasts and pretends to suck up to The Authority, then doesn't, and then blathers about how much The Authority suck and how hypocritical they are. But he'd rather be in the ring doing the wrestling thing instead of sitting at home and bitching on podcasts, even if he has to suffer “punishments” as a result. He's full of fire and passion too as he concludes his happiness to be back.

Then The Authority hits the stage, minus Triple H and Stephanie McMahon. Seth Rollins is the one to take the mic and opens by insulting DB's height, which his exactly as intense as it sounds. Dolph replies by challenging Rollins right the hell now. Rollins declines, since he's way too important to sully himself with Dolph.

Dolph replies with an insult of his own that Rollins is a wuss for running away from Brock Lesnar on Monday. Rollins basically ignores it as Kane takes the mic and gives some general threats to DB. DB responds by ordering the monkeys in the truck to replay the footage of Lesnar F5ing Kane and Big Show on Monday. Back to “live,” Show blathers some light insults as well, then hands the mic back. Kane reminds DB that he (Kane) can be super sadistic, and that DB has no chance to beat him tonight. Oh, and Kane books a match of Dolph vs. Bad News Barrett since Dolph totally wants a title shot, but this match will be non-title because Kane is a meanypants. Oh, and if Dolph loses, he doesn't get to be in the Battle Royal.

And then ads. Honestly, that was about twenty minutes of nothing but self-cheerleading. I shouldn't have a problem with it, especially given that it's the lead-in to the pay-per-view, but it just felt... wasted.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Dolph Ziggler defeats Bad News Barrett by pin. Pure formula early as both guys exchange blows and a couple near-falls with mostly punchy-kicky offense. BNB takes control by flinging Dolph shoulder-first into the post, and then goes with the heel beatdown with arm-targeted power and roughneck offense. Other than a counter DDT, Dolph is purely on defense until the ads.

Back, and Dolph continues to get pounded with roughneck offense. BNB loses control when he whiffs a charge and ironically shoulder-charges himself into the post. Dolph goes for a rally, then he and BNB exchange a few blows and near-falls. Dolph whiffs on a Zig Zag and eats a back mule kick, then BNB signals for the Bullhammer Elbow. Dolph answers the attempt with a dropkick followed by a Zig Zag, and that's it. With the win, Dolph gets the pass into the Royal Rumble, a thing that absolutely none of us ever doubted.

Segment 3: RAW Recap of the Ascension's bit from Monday.

Segment 4: Renee Young interviews Roman Reigns in the back. Reigns chats about his altercation with Big Show on Monday, stating that Big Show brags about being a giant, but it's not true. Reigns says the real giant was Andre, since he was The Man: Show conversely is just a douche in a giant's body. And Reigns doesn't want Show's spot: he wants to carve out his own spot, and that starts on Royal Rumble, and he's totally going to win it. And it'll prove that he earns his spot.

Damn fine promo, Reigns. Perfect amount of confidence, and no lunacy. Good stuff.

Segment 5: RRRRRROOOSSSAAA!!! Also, ping pong ball segment! Damn, the Royal Rumble hasn't had this shit in like years! I'm very excited! (Also, the tumbler looks like it has way more than 30 balls in it.)

Anyway, Fandango pulls his number, and he's happy... but we don't see what it is. Then Fanny breathes an inch away from Rosa's mouth, making me want to be him yet again. The camera barely shows a hand reach for Fandango's ping pong ball (while he's occupying himself with Rosa's soul-draining sexy gaze). Camera pans, and it's Dean Ambrose, who apparently swaps the ping pong ball with one of his own that he was already carrying. This is in full view of a ref, by the way, who apparently couldn't give less of a shit.

Then we see Fandango and Rosa smooching, making me jealous yet again. Yet they are blissfully unaware that shenanigans are afoot.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Ryback defeats Rusev (w/ Lana) by countout. This match was far, far more entertaining and engrossing than it had any right to be. Oh, and if Ryback lost, he wouldn't be able to enter the Royal Rumble (similar to what Dolph Ziggler and Daniel Bryan are going through tonight), so it was engaging even though the outcome was somewhat a foregone conclusion.

Greco-Roman grapples to start with Ryback hitting the first shot with a shoulder check. Rusev hit the canvas and bailed immediately, playing the chickenshit heel. Rusev gets a breath, heads into the ring, then kicks the shit out of Ryback. That lasts for one flurry as Ryback hits a damn fine vertical suplex. Rusev bails again.

Back in the ring, Ryback hits a half dozen shoulder charges, which for some reason greatly pisses off the ref, a dude I've never seen before. I already like him though: he's so angry with everything going on right now that he's like a new version of Justin King, who I unfortunately routinely referred to as “Angry Black Ref” like six years ago when he was still active with WWE. Man, it's amazing that in six years, I can consider that while I didn't intend for that label to be racist, it is by default racist, and I'm a little ashamed I wrote it. That said? I still miss Justin King and his mannerisms.

Anyway, this guy, who I'll refer to as Pissy Ref, is so angry that his fury turns into an ad break. Back, and he's still screaming at Ryback and Rusev, who are in turn kicking the shit out of each other. Rusev has learned that kicking comes from the legs, so he goes for leg-targeted offense against Ryback, including the standby classic spot where he wraps Ryback's leg around the ring post. Meanwhile, the ref is screaming about that breach of the rules so loudly that he drowns out the commentators. I've never been happier with a ref's performance since King himself.

Anyway, Rusev continues the offense, but Ryback hits a back suplex (rebounded off the top rope) that looks great and comes out of freaking nowhere. Ryback goes house of fire, including hitting a power slam. Pissy Ref does his pin counts like he's trying to punch a hole in the canvas, but he still only gets to two. Ryback meanwhile gets Rusev on his shoulders, and everyone is thinking that it's going to be a weird Shell Shock, but instead Ryback spins Rusev around so Rusev intentionally gets Ryback's back, just so Ryback can sit down hard, cracking Rusev's chin into Ryback's head. So, like, it was basically a tilt-a-whirl sit-down jawbreaker, which I've never seen before. Nifty, but only a two count.

Both guys get back to their feet. Ryback teases a powerbomb, but Rusev blocks it and follows up with an Alabama Slam of all things. Only two from there, and this match is way better than I thought it would be in a million years.

Exchange of punches from there, Ryback hits a belly-to-belly suplex, then... uh, goes to the top rope? Rusev leans into the ropes to crotch him, then hits a jumping side kick. He drags Ryback to the center of the ring, but only gets a two on the pin.

Rusev throws a temper tantrum, then applies the Accolade while Pissy Ref seems to have exhausted himself. Ryback, showing the precise opposite of fatigue, goes ahead and dead-lifts Rusev while Rusev still has all the weight on his back. Ryback then dives forward with a small somersault, slamming Rusev into the canvas, effectively breaking the hold and several “How To Lift Properly” advice videos we're required to watch at Walmart. Ryback follows up with a spinebuster, then charges up the Meathook Clothesline. He goes for it, but Rusev dodges and just bails. Pissy Ref informs Ryback to just leave well enough alone, a sentence he concludes while Ryback is already leaving the ring. Ryback punches the face off Rusev, then dives back in the ring at nine. Rusev gets counted out, so his no-pin/no-submit record stays untarnished.

Then Rusev comes out of nowhere and clotheslines Ryback's face off, even while the “Ryback qualifies for the Rumble!” graphic is still on the screen. Pissy Ref tells Rusev to stop being a jerk even as he stomps the hell out of Ryback, but Ryback slips out of the assault and sets up the Shell Shock for real. But Rusev slips out of that too and retreats up the ramp with Lana in tow, while Pissy Ref is still making “Stop!” broad gestures at Ryback despite Ryback literally not moving. I love this guy.

Also: this entire segment was fun. Check it out on the YouTubes and the Hulus!

Pre-Segment 7: Natalya and Paige are at ringside to join commentary for the next match. Before the match starts, we see a pre-recorded Bella Twins promo to-camera where they say stupid petty bullshit against the faces, like how it would be totally hard to be romantically involved with either Natalya or Paige. Look, I've said it before and I'll say it again that Paige really combusts my engine, and the only thing that would be hard if I was dating her was— uh, never mind.

Anyway, Paige and Natalya unfortunately have to respond to this bullshit, including a sentence that includes the word “glampire,” but I don't have to recap it.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Brie Bella (w/ Nikki Bella) defeats Naomi by pin. Naomi starts off with a couple kicks and her flipping clothesline. Then things get a little stupid as the Brie takes control, and her strikes look a little... sloppy. I dunno, Brie has done a lot better before.

Naomi's “rally” comes when Brie whiffs a kick and boots the bottom rope, which she oversells. But the rally lasts about five seconds until Brie blocks a kick and reverses it to a sit-down facebuster. Pin, three, done.

During the match, Paige called Natalya's husband an idiot. I note this only because Natalya's new character hook is to stick up for her man, which is fine and all, and it may cause a rift in whatever this new alliance is between Paige and Natalya. The ladies did mention that they're not so much “friends” as just having common enemies in the Bella Twins, so their alliance is more of a convenience than a necessity. If this wasn't WWE, I'd be intrigued in that subtlety and to see how it could be exploited to show rifts in the teamwork. But this is WWE, and I just don't care, mostly because I have absolutely no confidence that any story starring the women will lead to anything more than she-said/she-said petty bullshit.

Anyway, after the match, Natalya and Paige stood from their seats and put their arms around each other (so, again, “Tyson Kidd is an idiot” basically meant nothing), but nothing further happened as they smiled cattily at the Bellas while the Bellas just talked shit.

Segment 8: Luke Harper talks crazy in the back to-camera, threatening Erick Rowan, who apparently also needs to earn his spot in the Royal Rumble. Also, he has monsters in his head, and we should be scared of him.

Huh. I wouldn't have guessed that Rowan would be the one of those two who could cut a better promo. Still, Harper's crazy eyes give him bonus points.

Segment 9: Goldust and Stardust are being ridiculous as they draw ping pong balls of their own. They both seem pretty excited about their choices, but we don't get details.

Also, is it just me, or are all the ping pong balls actually blank and this is even more ridiculous than I thought it was?

Segment 10 [Singles Match]: Luke Harper defeats Erick Rowan by pin. Punchy-kicky offense between both guys, nothing worth much yet. Mostly roughneck from there, though Harper reverses a powerbomb into a headscissors counter, a sentence I never thought I'd type in a million years. Harper shortly hits a stiff dropkick after another exchange, but Rowan maintains momentum from there with charges and whips, then busts out a spin kick for a failed pin attempt.

From there we get a full nelson of doom, which would be annoying if it lasted more than two seconds (which it didn't), and then Rowan hits a powerbomb for real. Pin, but still only two. So Rowan heads to the top rope because why not, but he whiffs on a splash. Harper hits a side kick, which makes Rowan bounce off the south ropes, and Harper follows up with a discuss clothesline. Pin, and... done? Really? Huh. Rowan doesn't get to play in the Rumble, then... probably.

Segment 11: Rollins is having a meeting with his friends, insisting that everyone needs to keep Daniel Bryan out of the Royal Rumble. Everyone is in agreement.

Segment 12: One of my favorite yearly montages: the “Royal Rumble By the Numbers” bit. I forgot about it, and in a way, I'm glad: usually in the last few years, they play the segment like all four weeks before the show. I'm happy with seeing it only twice (once tonight and once on Sunday, I'm sure). Sounds like Kane will break Shawn Michaels's lifetime 39 eliminations, since Kane's got 38.

Segment 13: Damien Mizdow gives The Miz a coffee, then apologizes for being X-Pac's stunt double on Monday. Mizdow does say that, in his defense, the fans seemed to like it. Miz carefully explains that since Mizdow is only a stunt double, he is only an extension of Miz, so if thinks anyone is cheering Mizdow, they're really cheering Miz. He takes a sip of the coffee, bitches about it, and leaves.

Mizdow looks sad and tired, and the Usos arrive to counteract it Mizdow is so tired he just says rather calmly that he doesn't have time or inclination to talk to the Usos. But the Usos are here with friendly advice: it's every man for himself at the Royal Rumble, even going so far that the Usos tried to eliminate each other last year. So... if Miz gets tossed, would Mizdow really throw himself over the ropes too, and thus forfeit a chance to main event WrestleMania? Mizdow again looks sad and tired, but he does considering being the star instead of the stunt double, and he doesn't seem to dislike the idea. [Ed. Note: my ideal situation sees both Goldust/Stardust and Miz/Sandow break up because of the Rumble... for a transitionary period, Sandow falls back into a bad habit and becomes Goldust's new lackey, leading to a tag match at Mania. Miz/Stardust vs. Goldust/Goldow... but during the match, both Sandow and Stardust realize they're BOTH too good to emulate others, and revolt against their dominering partners. Thus, the original Damien Sandow and Cody Rhodes are reborn; once partners, then foes, and now kindred souls. Just an idea.]

Segment 14 [Singles No-Disqualification Match]: Daniel Bryan defeats Kane (w/ J&J Security) by pin. Exchange of punches to get us started, with DB using his speed to keep Kane off-balance. J&J runs distraction to allow Kane to side kick DB off the apron, and Kane takes advantage outside the ring. Neckbreaker here, snake eyes on the barricade there... you get the idea. Then Kane whips out a Kendo stick and beats the crap out of DB, and I had no idea this was even a no-DQ match. But, uh, if that's the case, why is J&J just standing there? If Rollins et al really want DB to stay away from the match, why aren't they rushing the ring now?

Anyway, DB steals the Kendo stick and alternates strikes and kicks, but can't close the deal. He loses the stick when he tries a strike from the top rope, but Kane throat thrusts him out of the air. Kane flings DB from the ring, bringing us to our final ads.

Back, and Kane has him in a headlock. Kane continues the offense with a jumping DDT but can't close the deal. So Jamie Noble tosses Kane a chair, and Kane whacks DB with it once. Failed pin, so Kane goes for the chair again. DB stops him and does some punchy-kicky, then tricks Kane into a charge, pulling down the top rope so Kane flies out of the ring. DB tries to follow up with a suicide dive, but Kane uppercuts him out of the air again.

So now J&J remember what the rules are, so they clear off the commentators' table. Kane hops up on it, and J&J manhandle DB onto it. Kane teases a Tombstone onto the table, but DB slips out. After an exchange, DB shoves Kane face-first into the post. DB slides into the ring long enough to hit a suicide dive through the ropes again, then nails him with a front dropkick.

J&J finally decide to throw punches, and DB defends himself until Kane comes in with a forearm of his own. He flings DB back in the ring, then goes to the top rope. Whatever he was planning, it didn't pan out as DB catches him and applies the Yes Lock.

That's when J&J slide in the ring and break the hold by stomping DB. DB goes ballistic anyway and starts hitting both J&J with flying knees and kicks. Kane catches him mid-run and hits a chokeslam, but still only gets a two.

So Kane slides out of the ring to get a new shiny chair, but a low dropkick from DB puts him down. Kane stands, DB hits him with the running flying knee, and and then makes the pin. Huh.

Post-Segment 14: For as much of a flop as the ending to that match was, DB was dumb enough to celebrate his win with his back to gorilla as he went up the ramp. Big Show attacked him from behind, then sent him to the ring. The four-on-one assault lasted only a moment as Ryback, Rowan, and Dolph hit the ring. Then the B-list heels arrived, then the B-list faces, and everyone was just beating the shit out of each other. Then Dean Ambrose's music fired up, and he hit the ring, soon followed by Roman Reigns.

The de facto battle royal saw basically all the B-listers tossed, with Reigns doing a lot of the work. But once things settled down, only the A-list faces were in the ring, and everyone just warily looked at everyone else. Show and Kane, the only two heels standing, stood on the apron as they surveyed the scene too.

Final Thoughts: Nothing happened, which I expected, but I'll say this: I always love the “Everyone beats the shit out of everyone else” scene to end shows before the Royal Rumble. Not only does it drive the point home, but it's always just a fun, crowd-pleasing spot as long as they don't bust it out too often (which they don't).

In a vacuum, the episode was meh, but as a lead-in to the PPV, it works well enough. And I may be in the minority here, since even my girl disagreed with me, but the Ryback/Rusev match was more fun than any right to be, and was worth a watch. Everything else? You can probably pass on it, but nothing hurt the storylines or anything. Decent night overall.

One of us (not sure who yet) [Ed. Note: it will probably be Pyro. He offered, and if he confirms he can do it, that would simplify my life immensely] will have your Royal Rumble recap for you on Sunday, just after the show. But you should shell out your NINE NINTY NINE anyway, because the Royal Rumble is almost always fun to watch. And I'm sure I'm not alone when I can't wait to see how Kofi saves himself this year (before being inevitably tossed like a WWE diva's character development). See you Sunday!

Episode Grade: B-