We enhanced the experience by drinking out of champagne glasses, though we drank soda rather than anything really fun. I mean, we still consumed like four liters and had more caffeine than blood in our veins by the end of the night, but we did it one double-shot at a time. Fancy!

You would think I'd have outgrown that need to act fancy when I am most certainly the polar opposite, but it still persists now and then. My favorite snack in the whole world are Mini-Toasts, which are pretty much just crackers in the shape of little slices of bread. I freaking love them, and since the suggested topping is brie cheese, then by god I eat them with brie cheese, generally with a pinky out; no bullshit EZ Cheese for me! I'm super fancy! I mean, sure, I'm grabbing the brie cheese from the same case where we keep the salads with questionable expiration dates, but I'm going to pretend that I'm a rich guy nibbling on exquisite horsed ovaries.

I mean hors-d'oeuvres. Damnit, I always mix those two up.

Ah, being the stupid fatass that I am, maybe I'm the only one prone to such fits of immaturity. Let's recover our brain cells by talking about professional wrestling, an independent clause that has never been spoken or written in the history of the world.

Segment 1: I confess, my attention for WWE has lapsed over the holidays, and it's only thanks to Rick's recap that I know what's going on. Am I a jerk for automatically getting angry that the whole “Authority is gone” thing didn't last longer than it did? Reminds me of when CM Punk was “fired” and made a couple random appearances at indy shows.

It's this lack of attention that makes me, for once, happy for the “In case you missed it!” montage at the top of the show. Making me happier though is that Edge and Christian hit the ring to open SmackDown as well as RAW! Edge personally apologizes for The Authority coming back, since he feels it's his fault that that whole mess transpired. Even better (but for reasons he doesn't explain), E&C are in charge of SmackDown, and The Authority can't do anything about it. Cheers!

...Oh, he said that just so they could set up the Titantron, which shows J&J Security arriving via a limo. Also, the limo driver has poop on his shoes, which is allegedly a joke.

Back in the ring, E&C don't know what the hell that was about, so they start to talk about what the fans are in for tonight, but Seth Rollins's music fires up. J&J pop out waving a bound clip board and make their full entrance.

E&C make a couple more non-jokes at J&J's expense, but we soon get to the point: they have a prepared statement from The Authority. The statement reads that The Authority so totally had nothing to do with masterminding the attack against E&C on Monday, and they so totally apologize for it. Oh, and Authority will not interfere with E&C's running of the show... but J&J will observe them, and if E&C do anything they don't like, J&J will rat them out.

Edge says that's all fine... but they are still in charge. They tease putting J&J in a match, but they change their mind and book Rusev vs. Roman Reigns, and Ryback vs. Big Show. E&C try to get the fans to buy into the hype, but honestly, Edge seems... really tired as he delivers his lines. He doesn't seem like he really cares, and the fans reflect that by not getting super into the idea of the matches. Or maybe the sound is just a little muted, I don't know.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Bray Wyatt defeats Erick Rowan by pin. Short match, nothing special. Despite Tom Philips saying that the match was “psychological warfare,” that was just code for lumbering and pretty boring.

Bray starts off advising Rowan to back down since they were once brothers. Rowan doesn't buy it, though Bray strikes first, which is pretty much his mistake. Rowan goes roughneck as he is wont to do, and dominates Bray for a minute before whiffing on a shoulder charge and slamming his own shoulder into the ring post. He tumbles out, so Bray follows him and shoves him face-first into the same post, then continues to use the post to trap and attack Rowan's head. They get into the ring, and heel beatdown is on.

It doesn't last long (pretty much a single rest hold) until Rowan gets his rally and hits a few running standing splashes. Bray begs for mercy, which puts Rowan off-guard for just a second. Bray hits the Sister Abigail basically out of nowhere, and then hits the pin.

After the match, Bray grabs a mic and demonstrates that he beat the hell out of a man he considered a son, so let's call consider what Bray will do to Dean Ambrose when they face each other (supposedly for the final time) at an Ambulance Match at this upcoming RAW. Follow the buzzards.

Segment 3: E&C make yet another non-joke in the back hallway saying that they should practice their famous five-second pose. J&J arrive to say that if anyone is going to do the pose, it'll be them, so they do it. No punch lines here, they just... do it. And this is supposedly funny, since they don't normally do so. Whatever.

Segment 4 [Six-Man Tag Match]: The Usos & R-Truth defeat Adam Rose & Gold & Stardust (w/ Rosebuds) by pin. Decent match, nothing special. Truth starts with Rose and gets a near-flash pin when Rose is overly occupied with plying to the crowd. About five seconds later, Jey tags in, then gets dumped over the east ropes. Stardust hops down from the apron just to rip off Jey's shirt for no apparent reason, then we go to ads.

Back, and Goldust is controlling Jey. The heels cut the ring in half, though Jey manages to fight them off after a couple minutes by knocking the illegal heels off the apron and back body dropping Goldust over the top rope.

Hot tag to Jimmy, who goes house of fire and dominates Rose. Goldust tries to help out his team, but Truth stops that mess from getting too deep. Rose tries a flash pin during the chaos but can't close the deal, and he eats a super kick. Jimmy tags out to Jey, who hits the top rope splash to finish off Rose.

After the match, the male Rosebuds slide in the ring to attack the Usos, and by “attack” I mean “offer their faces to be kicked.” Little mention is made, little necessary to say.

Segment 5: Replay of Daniel Bryan's announcement on Monday.

Segment 6: Replay of Ryback's promo from Monday, a sincere promo that's pretty unexpected out of him. I liked it.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Big Show defeats Ryback by countout. Above-average match, but nothing worth YouTubing.

Open offense early, though Show manages to get the first big move by clotheslining Ryback over the top rope. Ryback recovered, guillotined Show on the top rope, then followed up with some double ax handles off the middle rope. Ryback called for the Meathook already, but Show wasn't having it and just escaped the ring. He caught his breath outside the ring, and we go ads.

Back, and they exchange power offense; Show gets the better of it, and the heel beatdown is on. Show uses some dirty moves, such as wrapping Ryback's knee around the ring post. Specifically, he targets that previously injured ankle and knee, allowing the commentators to tell the story of doing so while the beatdown is on. Show even applies a version of a cloverleaf, which just look sick as hell with a dude of Show's size doing it. Good stuff.

Show gets a little greedy when he just straight stands on Ryback's knee, but backs away for a bit too long. Show charges, but Ryback falls takes the rope with him, sending Show to the west ringside. Show oversells it a bit, giving Ryback time to recover. Once Big Show gets in the ring, Ryback hits his moves of doom, but Show counters a middle rope splash by grabbing Ryback's throat. Ryback fights out before he suffers a chokeslam, floors Show, then signals for the Meathook.

And then the Russian flag unfurls. Rusev and Lana pop out of the back, and Ryback allows them to distract him. Ryback goes so far as to stand on the west apron to taunt Rusev, giving Show time to recover. Once he's up on his feet, he spins Ryback on the apron and hits him with the KO Punch. Ryback hits the floor and can't answer the count.

However, Ryback is able to get back in the ring, albeit too late. The point is that, for as strong as Show's punch may be, Ryback doesn't go totally cold like most of Show's victims.

Post-Segment 7: ...which is important, as Rusev slides in the ring and stomps Ryback's back. Rusev starts to apply the Accolade, but Ryback fights out and beheads Rusev with a Meathook Clothesline. Rusev bails and throws a tantrum, and Ryback proves that even after a full match, he can still defend himself against a fully fresh Rusev. Good plot advancement, a compliment I never thought I'd state when it involves Ryback. I'm pleasantly surprised.

Segment 8: Edge is standing alone in the back. J&J arrive to ask where Christian is, and when Edge says he's in the bathroom, Jamie Noble charges into the nearest door. See, they have to keep their eyes on E&C, which apparently includes deuce-dropping. Except Edge is standing near the women's restroom door for reasons he doesn't explain, and a girlish scream accompanies Noble as he exits the room in a panic. Again, this is allegedly funny, but I'm not buying it.

Pre-Segment 9: During their entrance, we see that Cesaro, Kidd, and Natalya had a to-camera monologue. Cesaro asserts that their New Year's Resolution is to win the Tag Titles from the Usos. Natalya wants a high-five for that, but the guys ignore her to just high-five each other, and she looks disappointed. I try not to be short minding, but there's something about Natalya being unassertive that just doesn't ring true to me.

Segment 9 [Tag Match]: Tyson Kidd & Cesaro (w/ Natalya) defeat Los Matadores by pin. Decent match, nothing overly special, though it was useful for the heels' momentum.

Basic open offense to start, with Los Matadores doing well against Kidd. The faces win the first flurry, but Cesaro blind-tags in. Kidd is sent flying to the east ringside, and Fernando wants a suicide dive, but Cesaro cuts him off with a midair European uppercut. Sick move, I love it.

From there, rapid tags among the heels as they cut the ring in half and dominate Fernando. That includes the lovely double-team move where Cesaro does his swing and Kidd nails him with a low dropkick mid-swing. Yeesh.

The momentum swings when Kidd tries a top rope double ax handle, but Fernando dropkicks him out of the air. Hot tag to Diego, who goes house of fire, but he can't close the deal against Cesaro. Diego tries a huracanrana, but Cesaro catches him and holds him up in the powerbomb position. He backs up to the heels' corner, allowing Kidd to tag himself in and hit a... holy crap. It's a combination Blockbuster Neckbreaker and Powerbomb. Does that have a name yet? That's the first time I've seen it. Awesome move!

After the match, Natalya tried to celebrate with them, but again they ignored her and just celebrated with each other.

Segment 10: Curtis Axel is in the ring for a match. Dean Ambrose is his opponent, and he pops out to approach the ring... but he's not going to give a crap about any silly “match”: he wants to fight. He beats the living piss out of Axel, who can't get away and doesn't get much of a break outside the ring either. Ambrose hits Dirty Deeds in the ring, knocking out Axel.

Ambrose then demands a mic. He chats with Bray Wyatt and gives him overt threats as he goes to an ambulance conveniently placed by the stage, using it as a visual aid to describe all the ways Ambrose is going to abuse his body.

Segment 11: Another vignette for The Ascension... because they're debuting next!

Segment 12: Recap (again) of the whole E&C/Rollins angle.

Pre-Segment 13: From their metal music to their simplistic Titantron video of random symbols and shit, The Ascension is definitely an old-school homage. I'm okay with it so far. Viktor has a weird semi-mullet, while Konnor has a warrior stripe. That's, uh, mostly for my own knowledge. I'm sure I'll forget it by next week.

Segment 13 [Tag Match]: The Ascension squashes Some Guy & Some Other Guy by pin. Huh, it's been a while since I've done the “Some Guy” thing. It makes me feel nostalgic.

It was all power offense here, and their finisher was a sick dropkick by Viktor while Konnor foot-swept the poor bastard from behind. Jesus, he landed on his neck too... that looks scary. The guy seemed fine though. The finisher is called the Fall of Man, which is a hell of an accurate name.

Segment 14: E&C are hanging out at the interview area, and J&J arrive to say they have to “prepare the office” for The Authority. As I've said in previous recaps, I have trouble with suspending my disbelief when this kind of stuff happens, since The Authority isn't going to be in that location next week, but whatever.

Anyway, “preparing the office” amounts to putting up a couple decorations, such as the Muscle & Fitness cover with Trips and Steph. J&J finishes their work and leave, so E&C vandalize the cover with Sharpies. For the fourth or fifth time, it's all a non-joke, and I'm not feeling it.

Segment 15 [Singles Match]: Roman Reigns defeats Rusev (w/ Lana) by disqualification. Above-average match, nothing special aside from the general quality of moves both guys were doing.

Feeling out to start, which hasn't really been the first piece of any match tonight... interesting, I'm only noticing that now.

Anyway, the guys sort of feel each other out and exchange some punches and slams. Rusev gets more of the offense in the opening, but Reigns has momentum heading into the last ads.

Back, and Rusev has Reigns's back and is doing the damage. Reigns gets a breath but eats a German Suplex anyway, followed by another hard suplex. Pin, only a one.

It's slammy-kicky from there with a few rest holds, but Rusev's offense looks good. He starts to struggle when he seeks to slam Reigns's face into the turnbuckles. Reigns hits a few punches; Rusev chucks him from the ring, but Reigns hulks up when he slides back in the ring. Reigns goes punchy-punchy, and a leaping clothesline puts Rusev on his back.

Reigns continues the offense but can't close the deal, even hitting a side slam on Rusev, not an easy move to do to a guy that size. Pin, only two, but Reigns signals for the Superman Punch. However, when he goes for it, Rusev hits a dropkick to put him down. As they both recover, Rusev goes for a side kick, but Reigns blocks it and counters with a Superman Punch that he hits clean.

Rusev tumbles out of the ring, but Reigns doesn't want to win that way, so he leaves and hauls Rusev back in. However, that's when Big Show comes down to the ring. Reigns circles the ring—knocking over the Russian flag in the process—and hits Show with the Superman Punch. Which is great, except by the time Reigns gets in the ring, Rusev beheads him with a side kick. Pin, but only two.

Reigns struggles to his feet as Rusev signals for a big boot. Reigns dodges it and counters with a Spear, then goes for the pin. At two, Show pulls Reigns out of the ring. Reigns wins, but Rusev still has a perfect clean lossless record.

Show continues the offense and uses the barricade in several places to fling Reigns's limp body around. Show then cleared off the commentating table and wanted to chokeslam Reigns through it, but Reigns fought him off and countered with a front dropkick to put him down. Show charged Reigns, who leaned against the table; Reigns dodged it, sending Show over it. Then Reigns flipped the table onto Show, as if that really accomplished anything, but it was still a nice visual.

Final Thoughts: Not a bad night I suppose, but I confess I was pretty bored with all things Edge and Christian, which doesn't seem like a thing that should happen. Most of the stories advanced slowly, but I give a lot of credit to Ryback/Rusev, which was a surprising standout in sustainable episodic television.

I don't have anything else to add, so I'm going to go back and enjoy my mini-toasts, brie, and broccoli slaw. I'm trying to eat a little healthier, but holy shit, that sentence made me sound like a hipster. If I ever think a trilby is a good idea, you have the legal right to powerbomb me.

Episode Grade: C+