This shall be my last SmackDown recap for 2014. After TLC, with the holidays coming at a breakneck speed, WWE always half-asses it, and I confess that I tend to half-ass my recaps during that time, which means you would get, at most, a quarter-ass. That's like a partial butt cheek of total effort. Do you want to experience a partial butt cheek? I know I don't, unless it's maybe Rosa Mendes'.

But fear not! Online Onslaught isn't going to hurtle itself into a fireball of epic proportions, even for the two scant remaining weeks of the calendar year. No, Rick's recap of TLC will come relatively on time on Sunday after the, and he'll have your RAW recap next Monday as usual. Just, you know... no SmackDown for the rest of the year, because who gives a crap?

But just because I'm not writing for the website until January doesn't mean you can't check out my stuff! Because, look, I'll be honest: I want you enjoy my writing and my “creations” wherever I do them, and I'm going to be working over the holidays (and not in half-ass mode) on my videos. You can check out my weekly show, Streaming Sundays, every Sunday at 8pm Eastern on Hitbox. Every week's show is pretty much an “Ask Me Anything” since I chat with you guys while doing my thing. And if you can't make that, you can check out my YouTube channel where daily shows are always happening, released every day at 4pm Eastern. Tons of new content, tons of games, check it out! You can hear my rolling baritone voice, which I'm told melts the hearts of women and grows hair on the hearts of men. That... that may not be entirely healthy in either case.

Also, just because I'm not writing about wrestling doesn't mean I'm taking a break from writing entirely. Over the holidays, I'll be working on editing my second novel! I know: 99.9% of you just blinked and were all, “What do you mean second novel? I want to throw money at you to read your first one!!!” Well, here's some awesome news: you don't need to throw money at me, because my first novel is free! Yay! How does that happen?!

It's, uh, unpublished.

Okay, look: I want to be a full-time author. I want to write my fiction while making enough money to at least survive. I don't need to be a millionaire, I don't need to convince Stephen Colbert to dress up as three of my characters for a magazine cover, but I do want to live on the money I make from my action-fantasy universe. Publishing agents so far have given me a pass, but I'm not giving up, and since the novels are only “finished” insofar as I've put as much as I can into them, you can be a part of it. Just e-mail me and tell me you want a copy, and you'll get a 240-page Microsoft Word document that transfers cleanly and painlessly onto a Kindle (or that you can just read on your monitor). And if you think it sucks, you can give me feedback, and I can incorporate that feedback into the work! And, naturally, you'd get your name slapped into the dedication at the front of the book once a publishing agent finally realizes that I am, at the very least, worthy of a shot to be a New York Times Best Selling Author next to literary geniuses like Phil Robertson and Snooki. Truly, I am shooting for the moon.

Silly jokes aside: Guys, this is my dream, and I haven't pursued it as aggressively as I could have. I've thought that since this is a professional wrestling site, and I write action-fantasy, I shouldn't market myself here. Well, that's stupid, because you guys are awesome, and I know you'll support me. If publishing agents see that my work is good enough to attract an audience outside the stereotypical demographic, then maybe, just maybe, I can get my shot. So if you think you can help me in any way, please support me. E-mail me, read and enjoy the book, give me some feedback, tell your friends, and help me achieve my goals. I will thank you as hard as I possibly can.

All right, enough self-promoting. I promise I won't do this in every article here, but just getting some help in my creative projects with my writing, YouTube, and Hitbox, is as much of a Christmas present (or possibly Christmas miracle) as I can ask for. So let's get to the recap, and then I'm going to cry into my glass of Crystal Light since I forgot to buy eggnog before leaving work this evening. Let's roll...

Segment 1: John Cena hits the ring for one last hard-sell for us to buy TLC this weekend. He's interrupted during his first sentence by Seth Rollins, who helps out with the sales pitch. They basically put each other over with “mutual respect” trains of thought. Cena throws the first stone by saying (in his overdramatic way) that Rollins is simply not ready to be the future of WWE. Seth responds that ever since the day he's debuted, every step has sent ripples of change through WWE. Seth promises to beat Cena on Sunday, and after that, Cena “becomes a whisper” as WWE will have a paradigm shift, because Seth will be the new standard bearer.

Cena replies with his usual notes that for him, WWE is his whole life, and Seth isn't going to just shove him out the door. He's survived everyone from Renee Dupree to The Rock, survived them all, and has done so with passion, work, and never giving up. Seth said that Cena has lost a step, and Cena's punch line is that that foot will gingerly be shoved up Seth's ass.

I mean, ew, but it's a good promo. It's nothing shocking or new from Cena, and it perhaps went on a bit too long, but it did the job and hit the right notes.

Segment 2: We've got a vignette for a tag team called “The Ascension.” They seem to be trying hard to be Legion of Doom, and I don't mean that as a compliment. They're a little too intense, with facepaint and shoulder armor. If this was 1984, I'd hazard that they were trying to be taken seriously. But it's 2014 for two more weeks, and I have this odd suspicion that they're doing that shtick ironically, even though there wasn't a hint of comedy in their prattling. [Ed. Note: it was definitely homage, and not parody. And I think I'm OK with it. Then again, I watch NXT weekly, with about as much anticipation as I do RAW, so my opinion my be wanky. Of note: this is a new presentation for the Ascension, and it's PURPOSELY 80s, on top of their pre-existing goth condition.]

Or maybe Vince thinks more 80s stupidity equals ratings. What the hell do I know? The Ascension will apparently debut in the nebulous future.

Pre-Segment 3: Why is Tyson Kidd wearing a hood with cat ears? [Ed. Note: those is Beats, yo.]

Kidd and Cesaro cut a pre-taped to-camera promo before the match where they talk about stepping up and going through the Usos to promote themselves. Which is great, I guess, and it includes Natalya hanging out to the side. After the blathering, Kidd looks at Natalya starts to lean in, and Natalya puckers her lips for a smooch... only for Kidd to whip around and fist bump Cesaro, and Natalya looks sad.

Segment 3 [Tag Match]: The Usos defeat Cesaro & Tyson Kidd (w/ Natalya) by pin. The Miz and Damien Mizdow are out on commentary for this one, as Miz blathers about how he so totally just wants to help Naomi professionally. The match is frequently interspersed with cuts to Miz's blathering, and the constant camera movement is a little nauseating. Still, Miz is excellent, and Mizdow kicks ass by being his silent, miming partner.

As for the match, it's a pretty standard opening, with Kidd getting his ass handed to him, so he tags out to Cesaro, who doesn't fare much better. The Usos have all the momentum until Jimmy gets chucked out of the ring and kicked in the temple by Kidd on the apron.

At that point, Miz takes a phone call from his agent despite still wearing the commentating headset. The implication is that the agent isn't interested in Naomi for some reason, and Miz is worried about her, so he decides to just leave ringside to seek her out. They leave, and we go to break.

Back, and the heels are in control with Miz and Mizdow nowhere to be found. The Usos haven't made the connection yet, probably because they're focused on the match. Punchy-kicky offense from Cesaro against Jimmy, and Cesaro tags out but does a Cesaro Swing anyway... and Kidd comes in and hits a low missile dropkick while Jimmy is flung about. Hell of a combo, and Jey needs to come in and break up the pin attempt.

The heels dispatch Jey easily and continue beating on Jimmy, but can't close the deal. Jimmy gets a breath when he dodges a charge and flings Cesaro shoulder-first into the post. Hot tag, Jey goes house of fire, but Kidd breaks the pin attempt. Pier Four Brawl, Kidd is taken down, Cesaro eats a super kick and a top rope splash, pin and done.

So basically, it was a tale of two matches, as the first half was just an excuse for The Miz's plot to be focused on, while the second half was the actual, you know, match. It worked out though, as both halves played their part.

Post-Segment 3: Speaking of which, we snap back to the back, where Naomi is all smiles as she does hopping claps as she observes on a monitor her husband and brother-in-law celebrate their win. In come Miz and Mizdow, who push for Naomi to go to Hollywood.

Naomi isn't a moron though, and she knows that Miz is only doing this shit to get into Jimmy's head. Miz tries a hard-sell anyway, but Naomi isn't buying it. Miz goes soft-sell then and says that if he is truly causing problems between Naomi and Jimmy, he'll just leave, and he exits stage right.

...For a nanosecond before popping back in to state that he really, really thinks Naomi is talented and doesn't want to see her musical prowess go to waste, and this is so totally not about Jimmy. Miz leaves, and Naomi displays ambiguous body language. Uh oh.

Segment 4: After commercials, Naomi is WALKING~! down the hall. Jimmy arrives and wants to fist bump his wife (which is weird) over how she handled her issues with Miz. But Naomi is upset, because Jimmy has just made her doubt herself. So they have a minor argument as Naomi declares that she is an independent woman.

She storms off, and Jimmy starts to chase, but Jey stops him. Jey points out that Naomi may have a point, which pisses off Jimmy. Jey calls the bullshit and says look: this just proves that Miz played them all. But Jey stresses that Jimmy needs to focus, since the Tag Title match is only two days away.

Segment 5: Montage of the Cena/Rollins feud starting from the latter interrupting the former's title match at Night of Champions.

Segment 6: The commentators start to hype the Cena/Rollins match at the end of the montage, but they're cut off by Bray Wyatt appearing on the Titantron. Bray is sure that future generations will be talking about the good that Bray has done for the world, and his beating to Dean Ambrose this Sunday is going to be the first step of his salvation.

Short and crazy, perfect promo for the guy.

Pre-Segment 7: I swear, every couple months, Alicia Fox changes her look so dramatically that I don't recognize her.

Also, AJ is out on commentary for the next match.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Nikki Bella (w/ Brie Bella) defeats Alicia Fox by pin. Fairly boring match, but not for lack of trying. The divas got longer to wrestle than they usually do, but there wasn't a lot of psychology to the match. AJ's commentary was the best part of the whole thing.

The match ended with a Rack Attack, and it was a foregone conclusion even though Fox made a go of it. Afterward, Nikki hit a second Rack Attack on Fox while glaring at AJ. AJ did her signature head tilt, but didn't get involved further.

Segment 8: RAW recap.

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Big E (w/ The New Day) extended-reverse-squashes Goldust (w/ Stardust) by pin. Stardust started things off by standing on the commentators' table while wearing JBL's hat. Heh.

For the match, it's Goldust who has all the momentum to start, even using power offense against Big E, which seems like a backward sentence. E finally takes control by hitting a counter clothesline out of absolutely nowhere, which he follows up with the Big Ending and a pin. Huh.

Are we doing the same thing we did on Monday where WWE isn't even pretending these matches exist for any reason to affect momentum on Sunday?

Segment 10: Another RAW recap, specifically about the Superstar of the Year. [Ed. Note: Which was rigged. Don't believe otherwise, kiddies.]

Segment 11 [Singles Match]: Jack Swagger defeats Titus O'Neil by submission. Swagger went all punchy-kicky for a minute. He lost momentum when he was sent out of the ring, and then Titus went all punchy-kicky for another minute. Then Swagger applied the ankle lock out of nowhere, and taps happened.

After the match, Jack did the “We, the people!” scream and pose in the ring, but then the Russian flag unrolled above him. Rusev and Lana popped out onto the stage to preen, but they didn't do anything further. Neither did Swagger, who just glared at them.

Segment 12: Yet another RAW recap.

Segment 13: From the previous montage, Dean Ambrose cuts a promo in the back while romancing a ladder. He puts himself over as a dog who just loves to fight, especially with a take-no-prisoners attitude. So he couldn't be happier to tear apart Bray Wyatt, especially since nothing and no one can stop him from doing so.

Short and crazy, just like Wyatt's, and just as perfect.

Cut Scene: As we go to break, we see Cena with a sheet of paper marked “GAMEPLAN” with the underline and everything. So cheesy and silly. Also, Erick Rowan just stands there staring off into space while Dolph Ziggler and Ryback actually take Cena's coaching. The entire scene is worthy of a chuckle.

Segment 14 [Six-Man Tag Match]: Dolph/Ryback/Rowan defeats Show/Harper/Kane, by pinfall.

Dolph and Kane start with basic open offense. Dolph gets the better of it and tags to Rowan, who is more credible as a dominator. He hits a scoop slam, and Kane rolls out of the ring to regroup. We go to break.

Back, and Rowan is punching the cartilage out of Big Show's face. Show leaves the ring too to regroup, but Rowan follows. But then Rowan backs away for a charge, which Show sidesteps, causing Rowan to bash his own face into the ring post.

Show goes on offense from there as he flings Rowan into the ring and goes roughneck offense. The heels use quick tags and cut the ring in half to keep Rowan contained, thus initiating the first true Heel Beatdown Sequence of the whole damn night, finally, during the main event.

Rowan gets a breath when he and Kane share double clotheslines. Rowan hot tags to Dolph, who goes false house of fire on Kane, but can't close the deal. Thanks to a distraction by Harper, Kane is able to kick Dolph's eyes through the back of his skull, and the heel beatdown resumes as we go to another break.

Back again, and Harper is going roughneck on Ziggler. Quick tags, cut the ring in half, you know the drill, especially since everyone on the heels' team is power-based. Dolph gets a breath when he hits a low dropkick to counter a charge from Big Show. He can't quite get to a tag, but he slips out of a chokeslam attempt and applies a scissored sleeper. However, when Show powers out of that, Show is able to hit the chokeslam clean. Pin, but only a two despite the finisher. (Of course, the fans didn't believe buy it as a real finisher either.)

So Show readies his fist, but when Dolph rises, he's alert and ducks it, slipping behind Show and hitting the Zig Zag out of nowhere.

Both men down, with Dolph unable to make a pin. After a pause, double hot tags to Ryback and Harper. Ryback goes house of fire ending with a spinebuster. Kane makes the break, Pier Six Brawl is on. Rowan contains Kane but gets Speared by Show.

In the ring, Harper wants a clothesline but Ryback counters and follows up with a Meathook Clothesline and follows up with a Shell Shock. And, uh, pin? Jesus, the end-game was ultra-time compressed.

Post-Semgent 14: Perhaps this is why: Kane slides in the ring and beats on Ryback with a chair as Rowan and Show beat the shit out of each other with stairs and ladders. Dolph breaks up the melee in the ring, and the faces have absolute control. Then Dolph decides to give us a preview by doing a flying crossbody from the top of the ladder onto the three heels outside the ring, flattening them all. Holy crap.

Final Thoughts: I'm pleasantly surprised Cena didn't make an appearance at the end there. It would have been unnecessary and detracted from the next “generation,” for lack of a better term. Good stuff.

But, uh, that was about all that was good. The rest of the night felt pretty wasted. As a lead-in to the pay-per-view, especially given the holidays are coming, it was technically serviceable. But good lord, it's just not entertaining when 30% of the show is fast-forward filler, 40% of the show is insignificant steps forward on stories, and the rest are ads. I wish I had watched this episode last night: it would have been a cure for my insomnia.

So, I'm going to go to sleep. One more day of work, and then I'll get a long weekend; can't wait, especially since I'm getting over an annoying cold. Just remember: e-mail me if you want my novels, YouTube me every day at 4pm Eastern, and Hitbox me every Sunday at 8pm Eastern. I'll be entertaining, I promise, and we can even talk about wrestling or whatever during those Hitbox shows. Hopefully I see you then.

Otherwise... Have a Merry Chrismakwanzaka, stay safe on New Year's, give your family my best even though I'm some random dude on the Internet, and I will see you in 2015. Good night, folks!

Episode Grade: D