Sweet merciful Rosa, it's already been another week. Although I'm basically done with the Dragon Age: Inquisition strategy guide wiki for IGN Entertainment, I still have some clean-up work to do. The past three weeks for me have been a whirlwind of doing nothing but working at Walmart or working at home, and I haven't had a day to myself in... well, in over three weeks. I've got a nice paycheck to show for it, but 90-hour workweeks have been pretty much the opposite of fun.
 

Tomorrow, though... tomorrow I'm taking a day to myself. Well, I mean, I'm going to enjoy it, but I have a feeling The Rick would rather undergo a second Whipple Procedure than be locked in a room sharing my activity tomorrow. I am, of course, talking about the MLS Finals.

Yes, “MLS,” as in “Major League Soccer,” as in “that sport Americans aren't supposed to give a shit about.” But I do, and my favorite team, the New England Revolution, is in the finals for the first time in like a decade. They're going against the Los Angeles Galaxy, who has won the finals four times in the league's short history. This is pretty much the Cubs going against the Yankees, adjusted for the relative ages of the leagues. And I am freaking stoked.

I mean, the MLS Finals are already a big deal to me, but it's well-timed as this will be basically my first break in over a month, and it'll be the first MLS game I've seen in... well, a very long time. Without any television package, I don't get to watch sports, and MLS doesn't offer the “Game Pass”-type deals that MLB and the NFL do. Because if they did, you bet your ass I'd drop $125 if it meant I could stream all the Revs' games. But they don't, for whatever reason, and I'm left getting all my gametime updates through Twitter. Frustrating.

But my mom and I are going to be watching ESPN tomorrow, in high-def no less, while I pretend for two hours that I've never heard of Dragon Age: This Shit Takes Forever or any other videogame in existence. The only game that will matter is The Beautiful Game, baby. I can't wait. All hail AJ Soares!

...And, uh, all hail SmackDown. Let's get to the recap, so I can polish off the guide and get on with my life. Here we go...

Opening: Santino Marella is our GM tonight, and he's wearing a gorgeous suit while addressing us from his office which may or may not be a janitor's closet. I'm already happy, else the caffeine from my Coke is kicking in with a vengeance.

Segment 1 [Singles Match for the Intercontinental Title]: Dolph Ziggler defeats Luke Harper by disqualification, but Harper retains. Roughneck offense from Harper to start, slow and methodical to get some heat. Dolph had a couple shots himself when he used his speed to slip out of holds; nothing you haven't seen before, but a solid formulaic start. Harper delivered a big boot to send Dolph flying off the apron to take us to break.

Back, and it's a back-and-forth story as Harper goes for power and Dolph flashes a few hope spots. Dolph manages to hit a Famous-Er with extra stank, but only got the two from it. He soon after reversed a powerbomb into a sunset flip for a two, and hit a superkick for a two.

Then Harper just booted Dolph in, uh, his Ziggler with as much force as Lee Nguyen puts into putting shots into the back of the net. Harper kicked Dolph in the testicles, is what I'm saying.

Post-Segment 1: Harper “looked disappointed” at the DQ according to the commentators, which seems stupid. Whether he did or didn't, Harper grabbed a ladder, then shoved it in the ring and set it up on its side. Harper tried to powerbomb Dolph into the side of the ladder, but Dolph reversed it into a spike DDT. Then we have a weird cut of a replay, then we're back to live, where Harper is leaving... and Dolph throws the ladder into his face from the ring. Good lord.

Dolph's music plays, and we're... not out? Here comes Santino to interrupt Dolph's music. Santino takes a full minute to provide (in a relatively entertaining way) fifteen seconds' worth of information: Dolph vs. Harper in a Ladder Match at TLC for the IC Title. Sure, it was an obvious call, but I'm pretty excited about it.

Segment 2: Is there a name for “The Authority” minus Triple H and Stephanie McMahon? All of them—Seth Rollins, Kane, Big Show, Jamie Noble, and Joey Mercury—are in the ring to blather. I don't know what to call them: “The Former Authority”? “Seth Rollins and the C-Listers”?

Whatever. Seth has the mic first and tries some cheap heat by hating Christmas, which doesn't work out so well since 50% of the audience didn't give a shit. Regardless, he's here to hype TLC, and he talks a bunch of shit about John Cena. It's okay, though he loses me a little when he tries to imply that Cena will “lose everything he's worked for” when Seth beats him, and that makes no sense. I mean, the sentiment is fine and all, but just like when Bray Wyatt did it, attacking Cena's “legacy” makes no sense. Now to his credit, Seth brings it back around by stating bluntly that Seth will take away Cena's #1 conetendership, which actually does make sense and is contextually correct. Then he tries to make a non-joke about Cena getting “splinters in his butt,” which he and Big Show laugh at as if it's a good Bo Burnham bit. Man, those creative team writers are getting awful.

So then Show takes the mic and says that he's going to show us what he's going to do with Erick Rowan during the first-ever Steel Stairs Match. Show leaves the ring, grabs the top set of the closest stairs, then beats the shit out of the lower set of stairs and the ring post. Yay?

Then Kane finds a mic and talks shit about Ryback, and how he's going to involve 1700 chairs in his Chairs Match against Ryback.

That part of the promo doesn't go further, as Santino pops out of gorilla to calm all their tits. He's here to announce the main event: Seth and Show vs. Ryback and Rowan. The fans are pleased, but the heels don't seem to care, yet that's the end of the segment.

Can I just say that I wish I could grow a beard like Santino can?

Segment 3 [Tag Match]: New Day (w/ Big E) extend-squash Tyson Kidd & Cesaro by pin. Woods and Cesaro to start which got basically nowhere, so Kofi tagged himself in (with Woods's permission) and managed to help out. Then Woods tagged himself back in and made a little progress... then Cesaro drove him to the heels' corner, and the heel beatdown started. Rapid tags, punches, attacks behind the ref's back, cut the ring in half, pure formula.

Then it was Cesaro, who slapped on a rest hold about a minute total into the match. Woods slipped out, hot tag to Kofi, house of fire including the Boom Drop, whiffed the Trouble in Paradise but hit the SOS. Cesaro broke up the pin attempt, Pier Four Brawl, Cesaro was dispatched, Woods tagged himself in.

Then we got a beautiful and sick finisher as Kofi hit a backbreaker to Kidd but held it, and Woods came off the top rope with a double stomp which turned Kidd inside out. Nice! Pin and done.

Post-Segment 3: Gold & Stardust pop onto the screen to talk some crazy bullshit, mostly that New Day is all positive, and for them, darkness wins. It, uh, didn't make a lot of sense.

So Woods grabs a mic in the ring to talk some other crazy bullshit that doesn't make much more sense. I think it's supposed to be turning G&S's own words against them, but Woods doesn't have the gimmick to really pull it off. Kofi and E then try to talk up their own team too, except E gives it that “Southern Baptist” vocal ticks that's kinda weird. The crowd seems to enjoy it though, so whatever. If the visual cues are any indication though, I don't think New Day is quite as hot as WWE wants it to be.

Segment 4: Naomi is in the back and got a bunch of flowers. Jimmy Uso arrives to demand where they came from, since they're not from him. The card reads that they're from The Miz, so Jimmy smashes the vase, then storms off.

Cut Scene: Zeb Colter is out indefinitely with a severe leg injury after getting attacked on Monday (all kayfabe, of course). This leads to a recap, which I almost recapped, then remembered Online Onslaught Bylaw #2.

Segment 5: Dean Ambrose hits the ring to say how much he was super happy for beating the shit out of Bray's rocking chair on Monday. He briefly talks about the mind games that have happened between them, then declares that at TLC, the mind games between them will be over.

Then Rusev pops out of the back onto the stage. They're supposed to have a match, but Lana grabs a mic and says that Rusev won't be competing tonight. Ah, this explains why they did the cut scene... because apparently Swagger beat the tar out of Rusev on Monday, which was cut from the Hulu cut, so I had no idea.

Uh... did I just break OO Bylaw #2? Damnit!

Anyway, Lana says that she and Rusev aren't having this American bullshit anymore, so she's not going to make Rusev deal with us or our rules. Rusev takes the mic and declares he'll totally shatter Jack Swagger's leg, as he did Zeb Colter's, so there. Oh, and the United States Title now belongs to Vladimir Putin, because cheap heat.

Ambrose grabs a mic and says that he basically tuned them out after hearing the phrase “will not compete tonight.” And Ambrose is here to fight, so he exits the ring ready to do so. But that's when Bray Wyatt appears out of nowhere and blasts Ambrose from behind. Then he let off so he grab a chair, and Ambrose recovers to fight back.

They trade some blows, then Wyatt throws Ambrose shoulder- and back-first into the edge of the ring apron, which has got to fucking hurt no matter how many times you've taken the bump.

Then comes the sick spot.

Wyatt grabs the chair and pins it to Ambrose, both standing, against the corner of the barricade. The camera mic picks up Bray saying “That was her chair!,” probably referring to Sister Abigail. Then, Wyatt puts the head of the chair against Ambrose's throat, holds them together, then slams the feet of the chair into the steel steps, meaning the chair crushed Ambrose's throat. I know that spot has been done before, but it's rare and vicious enough that it always makes me cringe.

EMTs are summoned, though Wyatt gets in one more stomp before leaving up the ramp. Ambrose does a full stretcher job before we go to break.

Pre-Segment 6: Miz and Damien Mizdow hit the ring. Miz wants to know why Jimmy Uso is so upset, since Miz so totally just wants to be nice and pass along his agent's name. His agent even helped with Kate Upton's and Kim Kardashian's careers! The agent thinks Naomi is a star! Oh, and that the agent thinks Naomi is hot.

Jimmy's pissed, and he charges the ring before Jey. Jey has to keep his brother away, even as the match starts.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: The Miz (w/ Damien Mizdow) extend-squashes Jey Uso (w/ Jimmy Uso) by pin. The match starts with Jimmy charging into the ring twice. The second time, the ref tossed him from ringside, although he didn't do the full baseball umpire “Yer outta here!” gesture, so no one really knew what was going on at first. Then the match proper started.

Jey was worried about Jimmy leaving, allowing Miz to get in a cheap shot. He sustained some heel offense, and the moment Jey hit one move, Miz switched to chickenshit tactics as he went to the apron. Jey threw him back into the ring from the apron, prompting Mizdow to throw himself from the apron into the ring. This distracted Jey enough so Miz hit a Skull Crushing Finale out of nowhere, then shot the half and got himself a win.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Naomi defeats Brie Bella (w/ Nikki Bella) by flash pin. AJ was on commentary for this match. Nikki spent the majority of it sitting on the steel steps while facing AJ and preening with the Divas Title belt.

Naomi demonstrates her awesome athleticism by hitting a forward flip lariat fifteen seconds into the match, but Brie maintains momentum by doing basic kicks and punches. I'm not feeling Brie's offense here.

Rest hold about a minute later as Brie keeps the heel beatdown going. Naomi gets her hope spot going to zero crowd reaction, aside from a few people cheering when she does a sweet kip up. During the house of fire sequence, Brie bailed, and Naomi hit a baseball slide to both Bellas. Naomi tossed Brie back in then climbed to the top rope. Nikki was going to shove her off, but AJ wasn't having that bullshit and bum-rushed Nikki (sadly not literally) to keep her down, not necessarily to defend Naomi. But hey, the enemy of my enemy is my friend, so Naomi stays safe.

Naomi isn't able to deliver a top rope move since Brie dashes under her jump, but Naomi lands clean and quickly rolls her up clean. AJ taunts the Bellas from the stage; we don't see Naomi at all despite her music playing, which pretty much blatantly states her position in the pecking order.

Segment 8: Santino is in his office and talking to someone off-camera. Blathering, camera pan... it's The Bunny. The Bunny seems to be picking up what Santino is putting down, which is basically how difficult his life has become in the 90 minutes since he's taken over SmackDown. It's an adorable, if pointless, segment.

Segment 9: Seth Rollins is in the locker room and tries to make sure he and Big Show are on the same page tonight. Kane appears and agrees.

But Show doesn't. Show says they three are among the most selfish assholes in WWE: “There's no I in Team, but there is ME, and that's how we roll.” Heh. But Show wants to beat down their opponents, and that's all they have to worry about. He walks away, and Rollins and Kane find that acceptable.

Segment 10 [Tag Match]: Ryback & Erick Rowan defeat Seth Rollins & Big Show (w/ Former Authority) by pin. Yes, I think “Former Authority” works well enough.

Rowan and Rollins to start, with Rowan doing most of the work with roughneck offense. He doesn't have any new tricks and certainly isn't a technical masterpiece, but Rollins oversells and makes it look good. Ryback gets a tag and picks up where Rowan leaves off with more roughneck offense, but with a little extra speed to it. Rollins breaks the momentum with punchy-kicky-elbowy offense, but Ryback takes control with shoulder charges and punches. He goes to the well once too often and eats a dropkick off an Irish Whip counter, and then we go to ads.

[Ad break: As Hulu Plus reminds me, I've never seen a single second of The A-Team. Does that make me a heathen?]

Back from break, and Show is legal as he punches the shit out of Ryback. Show teases a chokeslam, but Ryback slips out and hits the hot tag. Rowan goes house of fire and even manages to take Show down with a few clotheslines. Show bails, Rowan follows. Rowan just bowls over the New Stooges without missing a stride, but Show beheads him with a clothesline.

Back in the ring, Show and Rollins do the heel beatdown thing in earnest. Show's exclamation point is a slam to Rowan, which isn't insignificant. But Show takes a little too long preening about it, and he whiffs on an elbow drop. Double hot tags, and Ryback tries to go house of fire, but Rollins decides to break physics again.

Here's the sequence. After Ryback delivers a few moves, he throws Rollins off the ropes and snatches him in a military press position. Rollins slips out, lands clean, then bounces off the ropes himself. Ryback snatches him again, this time in a Samoan Drop position. Ryback begins a tilt-a-whirl for who knows what purpose, but Rollins gets a little extra turn on the back spin, takes Ryback's left arm, hooks his right, and rolls down to reverse it into a... uh... shit, I used to remember what that pin combination is called. Is it a Crucifix Pin? Little help, Rick? [Ed. Note: you got it.]

Regardless, it's fucking sweet and it's out of nowhere, but it's only a two. Rollins followed up by throwing Ryback's face into the middle turnbuckle, but when he tried a midair flying knee, Ryback dodged it and hit a huge forward slam. Still only a two.

Ryback called for and started the Shell Shock, but the New Stooges ran distraction. Exchange of near-falls with no finish as Show just stood stoically on the apron.

Rollins had the momentum as he tried a Curb Stomp, but whiffed, and Ryback hit his one-armed spinebuster. Ryback called for the Meathook, then Kane got on the apron. Kane ate the clothesline, but it gave Rollins a chance to hit his physics-breaking no-look enziguri.

Kane jumped up on the apron to bitch, so John Cone ejected him, which was just lovely. (I know I called John Cone “Referee McDoucher” years ago, but I have to confess, Cone's unending energy has grown on me.) So behind his back, Seth tagged in Show, who started over the top rope. Cone turned around and, not seeing the tag, not to mention already pissed off at Kane for pooping in his chocolate chip cookies, wasn't having that bullshit and told Show to go screw himself. Show didn't want to, but then Rowan arrived to big boot him off the apron.

Rollins got to his feet long enough to bitch at Cone, which lasted for three seconds as Ryback beheaded him with a clothesline. Cover, three count, and Cone looked relieved that he was ready to go home.

Final Thoughts: The main event was surprisingly entertaining. I'm under no illusions that Ryback's and Rowan's move sets don't exactly endear themselves to work rate wankers, and frankly, I generally don't dig extended bouts of roughneck or power offense either. But unlike the wankers, I know when it's necessary, and I get wrestler limitations. Seth Rollins did great by playing the victim and getting trounced by both faces, which made them look dangerous enough. Then once Show got involved, he did the heavy lifting, hiding the faces' weaknesses. It all worked really well, and the match was entertaining. It's not a matchup that'll work again without some build-up or whatever, but it served its purpose, and it fuels their fires as the feud continues. Sustainable. Episodic. TV.

The rest of the card though... uh... wasn't. I mean, the Rusev situation made a little progress even as it dovetailed with the Ambrose/Wyatt feud, which also did well. And seeing Ambrose stretchered out (with no update on his condition) was a good way to continue that, since now Wyatt proves that he can out-crazy and out-damage Ambrose. It gives Ambrose more motivation to beat the ever-loving fuck out of Wyatt once they have their actual match, and that's exactly what the weekly shows are supposed to do. It'll make the payoff worth it, regardless of which direction they go with it.

I think the divas could have used some extra time. In Brie's case, we know she's relatively ring capable, but both divas matches added up to maybe four minutes' total time. Brie didn't have enough clock to actually show any skills beyond basic attacks, and Naomi was getting trashed too hard to really show much either. I would have axed Miz's match, as it really didn't serve any purpose other than “Miz got over on the wrong brother for one week,” which doesn't seem like that much of an accomplishment. If they insisted on telling that story, they should have kept Jimmy around longer to fuck up the match to give Miz a DQ win or something, instead of just booting him from ringside immediately. The feud isn't compelling enough to warrant this slow of a burn, you know? (And if Jimmy had been smart, he would have just put the face paint on the other side and pretended to be Jey so he actually could get his hands on Miz, unless that's happening next week.) Personally I would have rather seen Miz's match cut entirely, give Naomi/Brie more time, and let Miz come out and distract Naomi during her match so you could tell both stories together rather than splitting them into separate segments.

I dunno. That's just me and my opinion, for whatever it's worth, and maybe I'm just a fucking idiot. But I'm a fucking idiot with a job from IGN Entertainment, so I need to shut this down, send this e-mail, and get back to work. Thanks for reading everyone, and I'll see you next week for another one.

Go Revs! Get that MLS championship!

Episode Grade: C+