But that's okay, because I actually really like vegetables, and I found the secret to making rice and vegetables palatable over the long term: spices. Toss a little onion powder or Italian seasoning or garlic & herbs into it, and it tastes like different dishes each time. My tongue doesn't realize it's the same stuff regardless, so everyone wins. Except the soda and fast food industries since they don't get my money.

Still, I'll be sitting on my ass now as I recap this week's episode of SmackDown and skim an NSFW Tumblr of naughty things. Pretty sure you're only interested in one of those activities, but unfortunately for you, I'm writing about the other one. Let's roll...

Segment 1: We're opening with... Chris Jericho? Holy shit! He's not dressed to wrestle: he's doing a special Highlight Reel. His guests are Triple H and Stephanie McMahon. He asks why they wanted to be on the Highlight Reel, but they spin it as that they invited Jericho back because they so totally know what the fans want. Hell, they wouldn't even have a show without the fans! And the fans bust ass in life, which is why Stephanie wants superstars and divas for hard working, respected individuals!

But, you know... where would even Daniel Bryan be without the Authority? Where would Superman be without Lex Luthor? Where would the sun be without the moon???

...And no, I didn't make up any of those analogies; that was actually Stephanie's line of thought. Enjoy it. Savor it before we move on.

Steph says that the Authority must be left in charge, because who else could run it? Y2J says that hell, he could run it. The WWE Universe could run it! If they were in charge, wouldn't they like to see Steph covered in goop? Fans chant “Yes!” as we get a clip of Steph hitting the pool after her match with Vickie Guerrero.

That pushed Trips too far, so takes the mic for the first time tonight to say that Jericho is a douche, and that they don't need the fans' acceptance: “The wolf does not ask for acceptance from the sheep.” Trips knows Team Authority will win and stand tall. And who's going to laugh? Not Jericho or the fans, but them, as they always do.

They start to leave, but Trips has a parting shot. He tells Jericho to remember this all, the next time Jericho calls him to “come back for one more fix of WWE,” since by the next time, maybe they'll erase Jericho from the WWE history books.

Trips and Steph leave the ring. Jericho isn't overly phased, and he leads the crowd in a “Goodbye” song, which he's sure they'll be singing after Team Cena wins at Survivor Series.

So, the segment was overall pointless, but it gives some decent heat to Trips and Steph. Even better, after the bit, Michael Cole declared he would like a WWE Democracy run by the fans since he might get a raise; JBL's ranting response was so over-the-top ridiculous that Cole totally broke character and started laughing.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Bray Wyatt extend-squashes Sin Cara by pin. Cara had one flurry of offense but no one pretended this was something it wasn't. In fact, there was less action than posing and preeing, but for Wyatt against a semi-jobber, that's actually in his favor.

Post-Segment 2: After the match, Bray got a mic and talked some crazy shit as he once again begged for Dean Ambrose to embrace his healing touch.

Ambrose answered the call and stormed to the ring, clearly with murder on his mind. Bray just retreated, but continued talking shit from ringside. Bray says that Ambrose is so predictable that Bray knows exactly how to push his buttons. Bray knows that Ambrose wants to punish him, but only because he's projecting his dad onto Bray's face.

Bray slides in the ring. Ambrose punches him, and Bray retreats. But Bray hasn't let go of the mic, and as he walks away up the ramp, he says that he's proud of Ambrose, and that Ambrose should follow him, since he's the key to light in darkness or something. He keeps talking all the way through gorilla without looking back, which was unique, and a little creepy.

Cut Scene: Proving that WWE is desperate and mostly insane, their super guest star for next week's RAW is Grumpy Cat. Yes, that stupid-ass cat meme that won't die, which means the world doesn't understand what the definition of “meme” is.

Segment 3: Another “New Day” vignette, once against starting Xavier Woods. I caught the New Day promo on RAW that starred Kofi Kingston, which actually makes me a little excited. Kofi's character has been stale for a while, and we still haven't really seen much of Woods in the majors (and I don't watch NXT nearly as much as I should), so I'm pretty stoked about their upcoming team... or whatever it is. I just hope this isn't eight bloody weeks of vignettes.

Pre-Segment 4: Adam Rose is a super-face here in Liverpool. Let's see if it lasts.

Segment 4 [Tag Match]: Gold & Stardust reverse-squash The Bunny & Adam Rose by pin. No early offense here: Rose was immediately the face in peril after he refused to tag The Bunny. But once he took a hot tag, he went house of fire and beat the shit out of Stardust. Rose called for a tag, but the Bunny refused and went to the top rope. He attempted a top rope splash (“The Bunny Splash” according to Tom Philips), but Starust blocked it. He hit his finisher and made the pin, and Rose didn't bother trying to defend him.

After the match, Rose helped The Bunny to his feet, then hit his finisher on him and danced out of the ring. His goodwill evaporated, even among the Brits.

Of note during the match, Michael Cole led the charge in commentary by reminding everyone that The Bunny is not, in fact, a bunny, but some kick ass super-athlete. Then they speculated who was under the mask, with JBL considering LaBron James or Teddy Long as possibilities. Ha ha, slash-sarcasm.

That said, the fact they even put the idea of “There's an awesome wrestler under the mask!” is a good way to go. Not only does this give whoever the wrestler is an automatic face alignment once things pop off and Rose goes full-heel, but it gives an added mystery of speculation to all three of us who give a shit. I'm down.

Segment 5: Byron Saxton interviews Dolph Ziggler in the back, who says in super-serious mode that he's going to make sure The Authority doesn't survive, and he's not going to be put down no matter what the Authority throws at him.

Segment 6: We see a montage of Ryback, then Saxton interviews Ryback in the back. Ryback says that he's on no one's team, and that Kane is a “big stupid dummy.” Well played, Ryback.

Segment 7 [Triple Threat Elimination Match for the Intercontinental Title]: Well this is a nice surprise. I love unusual matches! Let's recap this one in real-time.

Cesaro quickly puts down both Dolph and Kidd with two different moves, then just starts beating the shit out of Dolph when he can't make an early pin. Then begins a neat little three-man chain wrestling but, which was really fun to watch. Seriously, YouTube this shit: the whole thing is worth it just for that bit.

Dolph gets some momentum from there after the chain wrestling subsides, then we go to ads.

Back, and Dolph is somewhat in control. He goes for a suplex on Cesaro, but Cesaro blocks it. Kidd comes over to help out and attempts a double suplex, but Cesaro blocks it all then counters with a double suplex of his own to both opponents! ...Except Dolph kinda screwed up the timing by getting overzealous with his sell, but it's fine.

Cesaro in control, and he decides to go for a powerbomb. Dolph tries to defend himself but fails, and he eats the powerbomb. Kidd follows up with a flying elbow drop, but Cesaro cuts him off before he can do anymore. Pin to Dolph, only a two, the fans fire up “This is awesome!” It is indeed.

Cesaro tries to continue his momentum but Dolph flings him to the post, then hits the Famous-Er on Kidd. Pin, only two.

Back-and-forth among all three men, overselling from Dolph and Kidd to make Cesaro look dangerous, but Cesaro can't close the deal. Each man gets in some share of attacks, though Kidd winds up a victim more than anything else. Dolph winds up hitting an awesome move as a bit of a counter by hitting a neckbreaker to Kidd and a DDT to Cesaro at the same time. Crazy.

Speaking of crazy, we saw a spot where Dolph and Cesaro fought on the ropes. Kidd jumped onto them and, after some weird body positions that may or may not have broken physics, Kidd essentially did a tilt-a-whirl sunset flip on Cesaro, who in turn suplexed Dolph off the top rope. They also made it look amazing, and plausible (for wrestling). Good lord. Kidd managed to get the least bad of it and tried a pin to Cesaro, but it didn't happen.

However, Kidd pressed his advantage by wrapping him up in a Sharpshooter. Cesaro clawed himself to Dolph to cover him despite taking the Sharpshooter, and he got a two-count. Wow. Cesaro then powered out of the Sharpshooter, which JBL wisely contributed to Cesaro's raw brute strength rather than Kidd's weakness or whatever. Good job putting him over.

Cesaro again tried to press his advantage even as Kidd recovered. Cesaro pinned each of his opponents but still couldn't capture a fall, and we went to our second break.

Back again, and Dolph is suffering a Sharpshooter. Cesaro sees this and decides to slap on the Crossface to Dolph as well, which is just mean. Kidd sees this and, rather than press the advantage, he breaks the hold just to kick the shit out of Cesaro and slap the Sharpshooter on him instead. It makes sense if this is a one fall to a finish match, but it's not, and JBL calls out Kidd being a moron.

It really backfires when Cesaro is able to fight out of it before Kidd can apply it, and Cesaro counters with the Cesaro Swing. While Cesaro tries to recover from that, Dolph hits a spike DDT on him. Pin, only two, another “This is awesome!” chant. Hell yes.

Everything goes wrong for Dolph as he tries a Famous-Er to Cesaro, who just throws Dolph off... right into the waiting foot of Kidd. And as Dolph bounces back from that, Cesaro nails him with bridging German Suplex. Only a two, wow.

More back-and-forth, and Ziggler hits the Zig Zag to Cesaro. Then Kidd arrives, flings Dolph out of the ring, then pins Cesaro. This works, and he celebrates like he won the title. But then he remembers the rules of this match, and it's down to singles... except Cesaro hasn't left yet, which gets my Pyro senses tingling.

Outside the ring, Kidd runs across the barricade to kick Dolph in the face, then throws him in the ring for a pin attempt. Two-count.

Exchange of blows, both guys try pins and fail. Dolph whiffs his finisher, Kidd counters with a fisherman's neckbreaker (for lack of a better term), pin attempt, only two, another “This is awesome!”

Kidd tries a rebound flying something off the top rope, Dolph kicks him out of the air, pin, only two.

Exchange, Kidd applies a Sharpshooter, Dolph counters out, Dolph hits the Zig Zag out of nowhere, pin... and three! Cesaro was a non-factor, but he hasn't left yet. Dolph Ziggler defeats Tyson Kidd by pin and outlasts Cesaro, and retains. And you really need to watch this match. It won't be Match of the Year or anything, but its workrate was second-to-none in WWE's Modern Era.

To my surprise, there were no extra-curriculars.

Pre-Segment 8: I know I probably shouldn't say this about a married woman, but—and my lust for Rosa Mendes aside—I really think Natalya is the prettiest diva in WWE. She's absolutely girl-next-door somehow, and I can't really explain why. Her smile is infectious too.

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Natalya defeats Layla (w/ Summer Rae) by submission. Decent match, nothing special. Any disappointment from the match comes from the lack of any sort of heat on this, thanks to WWE's “Creative” Team or whoever decided that the divas shouldn't have personality, but at least it was competently worked.

Natalya with early offense, then Layla kicks her in the head. Natalya oversells by flying out of the ring and staying down for a 9-count, though she gets back in the ring from there. The heel beatdown commences, but it's not all that exciting, and the crowd is completely dead.

Layla does some rest holds and flings Natalya out of the ring. Crowd is still dead, even as Summer Rae tries to get the crowd going. But then Natalya slips a clothesline, then slaps Summer in the face for no reason. Natalya then flings Layla in the ring and applies the Sharpshooter, which is all she wrote.

Segment 9: Ah, here's Kofi's part of the New Day vignette. Yay! But seriously guys, debut already! It's been too long since I've seen Kofi in the ring!

Segment 10: Byron Saxton interviews Ambrose in the back. The interview doesn't take place in the normal “backstage interview area,” though: it's just some place near the cement walls. Ambrose says that Wyatt isn't going to get to him, but then Wyatt appears and beats the shit out of him. Wyatt's punch line is a vertical Sister Abigail into those cement walls. Good lord.

Segment 11 [Singles Match]: Ryback defeats Kane by disqualification. Poor match in a vacuum, but story-wise it did what it needed to do.

Trips and Steph are out to watch the match.

“Tests of strength” to start as the guys basically exchange headlocks. The crowd is rightfully dead until Ryback gets some offense and puts Kane down with a shoulder charge. That doesn't last long, and Kane goes for punchy-kicky to get some momentum. It doesn't last, and Ryback stomps the crap out of Kane after whipping him to the corner. After a clean break, Kane tries to get some momentum back, but Ryback hits him with a vertical suplex. There's something you don't see every day when Kane is the victim. We go to break from there.

Back, and the guys are exchanging blows as Kane tries some knees and Ryback hits a couple splashes. Ryback calls for the Meathook, but Kane big boots his face off, and the heel is now firmly in control. Roughneck punchy-slammy offense from there.

Ryback's hope spot comes when he ducks a clothesline and counters with a shoulder charge, then follows up with a top rope splash (after a weird video edit). He slips a chokeslam to hit a scoop slam of his own, then calls for the Meathook a second time. He manages to hit it this time, then calls for the Shell Shock. That goes nowhere, but the fight does spill outside after a couple counters and recounters.

Kane gets the advantage outside by slamming Ryback's head into the ring post. Then, bored of silly things like rules, he grabs a chair. Trips and Steph look on in approval, and Kane nails Ryback several times with the chair.

Post-Segment 11: Kane throws Ryback into the ring, but Ryback steals the chair and wallops Kane instead. While this initially happened, Trips hopped up to the apron for a better view. Once Kane was dispatched, Ryback and Trips stared each other down.

Final Thoughts: And that's where it ended. Hooray ambiguity.

I dunno. I never really bought into Ryback so I can only get behind this so much, but the fans dig it, and I don't see anything wrong with it. It's a nice side story to Survivor Series if nothing else. No real complaints from me... just no real compliments either. Totally serviceable.

That triple threat elimination match though... wow. It was worth the price of admission, and the three guys stole the show. You absolutely need to watch it.

Other than that, the undercard kinda got shafted, but honestly, I didn't feel like this was a case of WWE just phoning it in as they sometimes do overseas. It still seemed like a par for the course episode SmackDown, for better or worse. Meh.

Thanks for reading guys. I've got to shower and get back to Dragon's Age. See you next week for another recap!

Episode Grade: A (triple threat match), C- (everything else)