Not to mention I'm going to use the time to also work on my YouTube channel, which is going on swimmingly, thanks for asking!

But right now, I've got a recap to write! So let's roll on that so I can settle my stomach, and then I can reread my book (while screaming at myself that I'm a total hack, as all writers do).

Opening: We're kicking off pretty hot with a tag team match for the Tag Team Titles, and it's in a cage!

...It's also, uh, confusing, as apparently it's a normal tag match, which is weird, since cage matches are de facto no-disqualification, but whatever. Apparently, tags have to happen, and only when the legal man escapes the cage does his team win. That's super weird, and that fact that Michael Cole made a point to explain that (when I've never heard that rule in existence ever) makes my Pyro senses tingle. [Ed. Note: yeah, same here. I actually really like when wrestling tries to be "real" by having rules and shit... but that was so shoe-horned in that it was distracting. And "distracting" is bad.]

Segment 1 [Tag Cage Match for the Tag Team Titles, unusual rules]: Gold & Stardust defeat The Usos by flash pin, and retain. Stardust starts off with Jey, with Jey getting the offense. Goldust takes a crack but just falls to good teamwork from the faces. Goldust takes momentum with some cage-assisted offense as he throws Jimmy face-first into the junction of the cage panels, and then we go to break.

Back, and the heels cut the ring in half as they add to their cage-assisted offense, which leads to the first escape tease. Goldust put Jimmy on his shoulders for some reason, but Jimmy grabbed the cage and started to climb. He then quickly got sent to the canvas, and the heel beatdown continued.

Both guys wound up in the corner next to the door, and they fought on the top rope. Jimmy got a breath then, despite literally being right next to the door, decided to come flying off the top rope with a corkscrew dive. Both guys down, hot tag, Pier Four Brawl and several near-falls.

Things settled down after Jey hit super kicks on both heels, but Stardust recovered enough to hit the twisting reverse DDT. Pin, thought it was over, but Jey kicked out at two.

All three others were down, but Stardust again ignored the door and went to just climb the corner. Jey, also ignoring logic, tried to pull him down rather than going for the door himself. All four guys paired off in the norther corners: Stardust got headbutted off, Goldust got superplexed off, and then Jey came down with an elbow on Goldust. But then Stardust came out of nowhere with a sunset flip to Jey for the finish.

So, it was a really clever and slick ending, but the cage gimmick and weird rules were a little silly. It was fun to watch, just... don't... expect the greatest premise.

Segment 2: RAW recap, which obviously means I'm not recapping it.

Segment 3: Kane hits the ring in his suit to discuss Monday, given that the Authority put Orton down (with a kayfabe concussion too, thanks to the Curb Stomp on the metal stairs). Kane says that this should prove everyone needs to fall in line with the authority, since if they're willing to do that to their own members, they'll totally do worse to those who stand against them.

One of those who stand against them is Dolph Ziggler, and Kane says that Dolph totally won't survive the Authority. He won't even survive against Kane tonight. And since there's already a cage here, let's just do that match inside it!

Well, there's our main event. But Kane moves on to other business, since the Authority has an opening. He wants to bring out a possible recruit, but then Cesaro's music hits. Kane looks confused.

Cesaro says that the battle lines have in fact been drawn, so he pitches himself for the job, especially since he's so totally kicked John Cena's ass before. Kane takes that under advisement, but Cesaro wasn't the one he was looking for. But if Cesrao is so eager to prove himself, then he can face the man he was referring to.

And it's Ryback. Huh. I thought Ryback was coming back as a face? The crowd certainly cheers for him. Then again, they can go a couple ways with this and still have Ryback stay a face (and even join Team Cena if it comes to that), so let's see how that goes.

After ads, of course.

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: Ryback defeats Cesaro by pin. We're back from break as the match is already under way, and Cesaro is in control with roughneck punchy-punchy offense. Ryback got his breath after a short while, hit the Meathook Clothesline, and teased the Shell Shock. Cesaro slipped out though and sent Ryback shoulder-first into the post. Cesaro followed up with an elbow drop off the top rope, but he only got a two-count from it.

More punchy-punchy, and then Cesaro wanted a vertical suplex. Ryback blocked it twice, then countered with his own suplex attempt. Cesaro held vertical but booted Ryback twice to counter. Ryback held on. On Cesaro's third attempt, Ryback simply shifted a bit to put Cesaro into the Shell Shock position, and this time he hit it clean. That was pretty clever too, and it got the three! Solid match with a good finish.

Kane had watched from ringside, and he applauded Ryback from the apron. But when Kane went to approach him, Ryback just left. Did Ryback see Kane come into the ring and ignore him, or did he just not notice? Drama~!

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: R-Truth squashes Adam Rose by flash pin. Shockingly, I'm recapping a squash.

So, this match exists because R-Truth gave Adam Rose a rock for beggars' night last week, in the course of it, Truth said the bunny might be overshadowing Rose. If that wasn't an integral—yes, integral—part of the story here, I wouldn't have mentioned it.

So the match gets started as a comedy match, with Truth dancing and Rose doing whatever the hell he does. Rose's bunny started dancing along with Truth, which Rose ignored for the first half of the match (i.e., 15 seconds at most). Then Truth danced for like the third time, at which point the bunny hopped up on the apron to dance. Rose was all, “What the hell, hare?,” and was distracted. Truth rolled him up for the quick win.

So, that happened. As Rose dejectedly left the ring, the bunny looked sorry, but that didn't stop Rose from forearming him in the back of the head to boos. After a pregnant pause, he looked at the other Rosebuds and demanded they start partying anyway, which they did awkwardly. The bunny hesitated but followed slowly.

So... not quite a heel turn, but they're setting up for it, and it's going to be incredibly stupid. I mean, this gimmick may have already run its course, but what else does Rose have going for him? I mean, he might have something brilliant; I don't watch FCW or NXT, so for all I know, Rose is actually super-talented as a heel. But, uh, I'm not exactly betting money on it. We'll see where it goes, though.

Segment 6: Yay, Christian is back! Man, I miss him from the ring. I hope he's not done yet.

So, he's back for a special return for the Peep Show. He opens by pimping his appearance on Haven alongside Edge, not that any of you probably care. From there, he chats about the upcoming Team Cena/Team Authority match at Survivor Series. Nothing we need to go over, really.

Christan re-pimps Haven, and then Dean Ambrose hits the ring. He's the guest, but it's usually not a good idea to come down before being invited, you know?

Christian doesn't care and just rolls with it, and thus kicks off a neat promo as Ambrose openly wonders why Bray Wyatt is coming after him. Ambrose knows his stuff, and usually when guys are targeted in WWE, it's because they have something that is coveted. But Ambrose doesn't have any contracts or titles or anything; what could Wyatt want?

Ambrose posits that Wyatt is just enjoying playing mind games. Ambrose also suggests that Wyatt targets the weak-minded fools, but Ambrose is no weak-minded fool. He enjoys wrestling because he enjoys the pain and the violence, and he gets an admittedly sick thrill from pulling himself up off the ground after getting the shit beaten out of him. Ergo, he's not afraid of anything Wyatt may throw at him.

And here comes Bray Wyatt, who plants a seat on a magically appearing rocking chair on the stage. Bray insists that Ambrose has nothing to fear since he has nothing to lose... but there was a time when Ambrose did have something to fight for, when he had safety and security with The Shield. But then that safety was ripped away from him, and Ambrose is just a fish out of water, gasping for air. Wyatt is a healer though: he's healed Erick Rowan and Luke Harper, so he offers to heal Ambrose too.

That said, he knows that Ambrose won't agree to it. He knows that he can't heal everyone; he wanted to heal Daniel Bryan, and that went nowhere. But Ambrose can be different!

Ambrose paces, clearly not buying into this spew... until Wyatt says that Ambrose's own father left him. That gets Ambrose's full attention as Wyatt asks if Ambrose still gets post cards from prison.

That's enough of that, and Ambrose leaves the ring. He starts up the ramp, but then the lights go out. They come back on, and Wyatt is no longer in his chair. The camera pans, and he's standing right behind Ambrose. He screams “Run!,” Ambrose freaks out, and the lights go out again. They come back on, Ambrose is on the ramp look around, but there is no Bray Wyatt to see.

And that's the end of the segment. That probably was really kind of awkward for the live audience, but man alive, was it creepy to see after necessary edits. Good stuff.

Segment 7: We get a weird vignette of some dude who is, uh, I guess like a stereotypical black preacher with his choir? Whoever the hell he is, we don't get a name, but we hear “A new day is coming.” I had to look into it since I didn't recognize him, but it's Xavier Woods with his hair done a little differently. Fair enough. [Ed. Note: Yep, as noted on Monday, the "New Day" idea kinda DOES hint at a faction, not just a reboot for Woods. Also, something I totally whiffed on Monday: Woods spends the last half of the vignette pining for the mic, even as his hot Choir Ladies try to pull him away. So the subtext here is, "Oh, if only I was allowed to speak...." And that could be something pretty cool.]

Segment 8: We see the ending of the post-RAW match where Rusev wins the United States Title from Sheamus.

Segment 9: Renee Young interviews AJ, who says that she doesn't blame Brie Bella for slapping her on Monday, since Nikki Bella gave the order. Before AJ can talk more, Brie appears and apologizes, but AJ tells her not to bother.

And then Nikki appears from the back and slugs AJ in the back of the head, which AJ sells like a chair shot. Nikki again calls Brie “Cinderbella,” which is increasingly stupid.

Pre-Segment 10: We get an angle from Earlier Tonight when Summer Rae and Layla were fawning over Tyson Kidd beating someone on RAW, then Natalya arrived to get pissy that other women were talking to him. Back to live, Kidd is on commentary, someone mentions that he's Natalya's husband, and he opens by bitching that he's not be referred to as “Nattie's husband, just Tyson Kidd.”

I already have a feeling that this is going to turn into one of the stupidest feuds in WWE, and it's great they're setting up Tyson to be the heel in this situation, but still... is any of this really necessary?

Segment 10 [Singles Match]: Summer Rae (w/ Layla) defeats Natalya by flash pin. So, the match was nothing, but the story here is that as Natalya started getting her hope spot, Michael Cole told Kidd to go support his wife. He got up from commentary as Natalya was attempting the Sharpshooter. Kidd from outside screamed “Yeah! Lock in the Sharpshooter!” Natalya glanced over her shoulder at him, which was enough to allow Summer to reverse it and get a flash pin out of the situation.

Kidd looked disappointed, Natalya looked pissed, and I looked for a different hobby.

Segment 11: Renee Young interviews Dolph Ziggler, who says that he'll stand up for himself regardless of what the Authority does and says.

Then Triple H arrives to talk some shit, then brings up that there's no one here to save him when he gets in the steel cage with Kane tonight. Trips says he could save himself since, you know, there's still time for Dolph to make a better decision.

Segment 12: Michael Cole introduces a CEO of a company called Soldier Socks, a physical therapist, and a soldier who was wounded in combat, all of whom come out of gorilla. The CEO, Chris Meek, talks about what his company stands for: specifically, creating equipment that can help paralyzed soldiers walk again with technology. Science for the win, baby. Check it out.

WWE is allying with them to raise awareness of the company, the technology, and so on. It's one those things that doesn't really belong on a WWE program in a vacuum, but getting that awareness out there and making sure people know about this stuff is nothing but good.

Of course, being a WWE fan, I can't help but see Orton coming out and RKOing him on the stage, but hey: respect where it's due. Check out the site. [Ed. Note: I was unaware of Soldier Socks, but for a few years, I've done what I can to support MayWeHelp.org, which helps engineer devices to help disabled veterans regain motor function. I am NOT suggesting a bitter war between the two causes, I'm just saying: get in a giving mood, and then give twice. This is something that I can't endorse enough.]

Pre-Segment 13: Dolph is in the middle of his entrance when it's interrupted by another creepy as hell promo from Luke Harper. The only visual aids are shots of his eyes in blinking kaleidoscope patterns. I confess that eyes freak me out, and I was seriously feeling nausea watching it. Ugh.

Segment 13 [Singles Cage Match]: Dolph Ziggler defeats Kane by escape. Kane with all the early cage-assisted roughneck offense, then we go to break. Back, and it's more of the same, though Dolph gets a couple hope spots with his speed. No high spots or other unusual moments to talk about.

Things get dicey when Kane signals for and attempts the Tombstone Piledriver. Dolph slips out and counters with the Zig Zag. He only gets a two on the pin attempt, but he then crawls for the door. Kane catches him however, and they exchange shots, both men taking each other down.

Dolph goes for the door again, Kane charges, and Dolph dodges... making Kane smash his head into an exposed turnbuckle. While stunned, Dolph just climbs up Kane and heads over the wall. But as Dolph climbs down the exterior, Kane pushes open the unlocked door into Dolph's gut. Dolph just kinda hangs on the door.

Then, despite the door being wide open directly in front of him, Kane decides his best course of action is to climb up the ropes and reach up and over the cage top to pull Dolph back over it. Just... just why? Dolph counters by holding onto the exterior brace and kicking the door into Kane's face. Dolph then climbs down the door, and action made fifty times more awkward since it's moving, and he finally drops to the floor.

Kane is pissy, but nothing further happens as Dolph taunts his way up the ramp.

Final Thoughts: Am I just a cynic who is too far removed from cage matches of the Attitude Era, or have all cage matches always been that dumb? The number of nonsensical teases of both cage matches completely destroyed my suspension of disbelief. Should I be giving WWE more leeway, or am I not the only one here? [Ed. Note: I am but one man, but I gave them the leeway. I fully suspect everyone else's mileage to vary. The two matches that were supposed to be good got me to where I wanted to go. Ambrose/Wyatt was good, too. But I watched on Sunday, and man did I ever use a lot of FF, so the vast expanse between those two spiffy matches was probably more arduous if you had to watch in anything close to real time.]

The cage matches were decent at best, but the rest of the card was pretty stupid, and it doesn't average to out to a good experience. Even Christian's “return” was relegated to about three lines that had nothing to do with Haven, and don't get me started on Tyson Kidd. Just... just don't.

Not to mention entirely too many stupid fast-forward filler, rounding out the pointlessness of the night. And seriously, why do you bother to show stuff a week later that had been on WWE's app? That honestly makes me less interested to watch it live. But hey, I guess if their marketing tactics weren't working, they wouldn't keep doing them, right?

Pass on this one guys... except for Soldier Socks. That was the best part of the night, and I'm not being factitious. Science and technology are awesome, especially when they go to actually help people.

Episode Grade: D