It's almost Halloween, and you know what that means: we obese citizens can now buy 150 lbs. of candy guilt-free as we pretend that it's for trick-or-treaters! And that means, for me, those awesome pumpkin-shaped creamy things that taste like candy corn.

I have this odd, childish ritual with the things: I usually bit the orange pumpkin part off first, leaving on the green “stem,” which I then eat in a separate bite. Isn't that weird? It's not a compulsion or anything, but I just like doing it. Nostalgia or something, I guess.

I have a couple weird food rituals like that from my childhood. McDonald's is the strongest one in my mind, mostly because I recently played an old and ridiculous McDonald's-themed videogame for my YouTube channel a week ago. When I was a kid, I always ate my Happy Meals in a specific order: I always ate the “main course” first (80% of the time was a cheeseburger, the other 20% being chicken nuggets), then ate all the fries if I had the room. Now that was a compulsion: for whatever reason, it felt just “wrong” to eat fries first, or before the burger was completely in my stomach.

That's... that's weird, right? That's not normal? Or do some of you have odd rituals?

That ritual seems to follow me even now, where I'll eat a main course (whatever it is) at any restaurant before eating any side dishes. I'll still eat appetizers first of course, but like at Mexican restaurants, I tend to eat the main course before the rice, and that before the beans, in order. Yet, unlike actual obsessive-compulsive disorder or neuroticism, it's not like I must do it, and sometimes I don't. Nothing feels “wrong” about it anymore, it's just something I do.

Bah. I'm weird. I need to accept it. After all, would a sane man watch and write about SmackDown week after week when the titles have become a collective joke, a Macguffin at best and an irrelevance at worst? Let's see if I can retain some shred of my sanity as we get to the recap.

Segment 1: Dean Ambrose hits the ring to start the show. He's got a new hoodie that I've not noticed before with a clever design. It's just got a simple design on the left pec, a classic anarchy symbol except the circle is adjusted to be more of a D. It becomes his initials, DA, in a modified anarchy symbol, which nicely sums him up. There's writing on the back too, which I think ruins it, though to be fair I don't know what the words read.

So as he hits the ring, we get a replay of his, Seth Rollins, and Mick Foley's promo from Monday. (I... I think that sentence was proper grammar with the punctuation. Because you only put the possessive on the last item of the list when it's a collective noun, right? Hooray, grammar!) Ambrose grabs a mic and blathers how he always gets up no matter how many times the Authority kicks his ass.

How does he do it? He could say that he's invincible, but he's not going to lie: it hurts. Standing up to The Authority will hurt. But see, there's a difference between him and Foley: Foley, for being a hardcore legend, was still deep down a “nice guy.” But Ambrose ain't nice, he's got no family to go home to. All he lives for is to put pain on those who have put pain on him, and his obsession with ripping Rollins to shreds since he stabbed him in the back has all he's thought about since it happened.

Rollins appears on the Titantron to inform him that Ambrose will never call him out and never can (ignoring all the times he, uh, actually has in the past). Rollins will call him out. It's like during The Shield, it was always Rollins feeding Ambrose things like the “Believe in The Shield” catchphrases. Rollins dismissed Ambrose's thirst for vengeance; all that matters to him is the future. He's confident that Ambrose's future ends at Hell in a Cell, but Rollins's is bright and beautiful. He will dispatch Ambrose on Sunday, then cash in his Money in the Bank briefcase and be the champion.

Ambrose paces in the ring and concedes that Rollins may be good with words, but once the cell drops, Rollins won't be able to talk his way out of anything. Ambrose doesn't care if it'll be his last match, or his last night in WWE: he tells Rollins that “we will burn together... but you will perish alone.”

Jesus. That's one fucking amazing punch line. Props to the writer who came up with that one (or Ambrose himself, whoever). It's almost—almost—enough to make me want to buy Hell in a Cell at its normal price, as Ambrose and Rollins have performed this story perfectly. Thankfully, I don't have to worry about full price because NINEninetyNINE.

Pre-Segment 2: Sheamus is out on commentary for the next match.

Segment 2 [Tag Match]: The Miz & Damien Sandow defeat Los Matadores by submission. Non-standard opening as the heels get the general momentum early, starting up the Heel Beatdown segment, though Diego has plenty of counters to avoid being totally dominated. It started to look bad when Miz grabbed Diego and actually executed the 10 of Clubs while facing Sheamus. Miz used the wrong arm and didn't quite have the strength, intentionally; Sheamus smiled about it and graded it a minus-6 in execution.

Diego looked like he was going to be rocked, but when Sandow tagged back in, Diego managed to get a breath with a drop toe hold counter. Double tags, Fernando went house of fire, and concluded with a flying senton off the top rope to a standing Miz. Pin attempt.

Two-count when Sandow broke it up. Pier Four Brawl form there, which saw Fernando and Sandow (both illegal) fly out of the ring on the west side.

The heels quickly got control of their respective opponents, and in the ring, Miz set up for the Figure Four on Diego. Outside, Sandow saw this and, as in his stunt double persona, set it up on Fernando. Both heels timed the move to lock it in with perfect synchronization. Fernando's pain was irrelevant, though Diego tapped out and drew the loss. Very creative finish!

Miz celebrated his win by taunting Sheamus (with Sandow mirroring Miz beside him). Sheamus talked shit anyway and held up the title. The taunting continued, and Sheamus feinted to the ring, making the heels bail. Sheamus didn't bother to give chase, instead just posing while pacing near the commentating table.

Segment 3: Gold and Stardust talk some crazy nonsense in the back... until they're interrupted by Bo Dallas, who just wants hang out. Dallas knows they're going to win in their tag match, because although Gold and Stardust may have the power of the cosmic keys (Goldust reacts to the phrase by having a micro-orgasm), all they really have to do is Bo-Lieve! Dallas flashes a cheesy thumbs-up and leaves. Goldust remarks, “What a weirdo.” Heh.

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: AJ defeats Alicia Fox (w/ Paige) by flash pin. Decent match, nothing special. Time-compressed but pure formula, with AJ getting early offense, suffering the heel beatdown, then getting a hope spot. Paige ran distraction, which worked for a moment, but then AJ countered a scoop slam and shoved Alicia into Paige, sending the latter crashing to the floor. As Alicia stumbled back from the impact, AJ rolled her up for the three. For what's it worth, Alicia executed the match well; I'm not entirely convinced she could go a full ten minutes with anyone, even AJ, but it looked good for what it was.

Also: is it just me, or is AJ... uh... a little enhanced? Perhaps just Wonderbra technology? It's not like she's a sudden D-cup or anything, but she just looked a little bustier than usual.

Ugh, I'm so lonely.

Segment 5: Another montage of insanity as Bray Wyatt talks some crazy bullshit as he says that Erick Rowan has been set free, whatever that means.

Segment 6: We see a “Recorded Earlier” segment as Michael Cole had a sit-down interview with Big Show concerning the angle from Monday where Rusev booted a “serviceman” in the face. We get a replay of the angle before cutting back to the interview. Did you ever find out who he is, Rick? [Ed. Note: yeah, just some random indie worker. Not an NXT guy. Which is why I didn't recognize him. Also, it means my "Brody" idea is off the table.]

Big Show remains calm as he tells the story of how the serviceman was so totally “doing his job as he tried to defend the flag.” Show's biggest issue is that Rusev hit a cheap shot on the serviceman, since the Arena Security Staff already had control of the situation.

Cole calls Show's bullshit on one thing: Show himself tore down the Russian flag a few weeks ago, so what's the difference between that and what Rusev did on Monday? Show apologizes again for that, professing that it was totally wrong of him to tear down the Russian flag; but he did it because he was intending to disrespect Rusev and Lana specifically. The difference is that when Rusev attempted to tear down the American flag, he was trying to disrespect America as a whole.

My translation of that spiel: “I was wrong, but Rusev was wronger.”

...Uh, why didn't my spell check pick up “wronger” as an invalid word? Grammar, has thou failed me?

Anyway, Show goes on to put over the military, and as he does so, we see a few pictures of his part in the Tribute to the Troops shows. Show tears up as well as he retells a story about one particular meeting with a general. I'm not retelling it here; it's irrelevant to the recap, though I confess it's a bit of (albeit cheesy) character-building.

More blathering as apparently Hulk Hogan cut an anti-Rusev promo after RAW on the WWE Network. Hogan also put over Show, asserting that Show can only lose his match against Rusev if he “beats himself,” and is sure that Show is going to feed off the chants and energy on Sunday. Cole presses him on this point: will Show be able to control himself and his emotions enough that he can beat Rusev cleanly?

Show considers it. He rejects the notion that he can keep his emotions under control, but he's sure he'll unleash all the rage on Rusev, will knock him out, and will pin him.

And, scene.

Segment 7 [Singles Match for the Intercontinental Title]: Dolph Ziggler defeats Cesaro by pin, and retains. Fantastic match, and will probably be match of the night. You will absolutely want to watch this one: Hulu, YouTube, whatever. Check it out.

Chain wrestling to start with Cesaro getting the advantage with a hit from a break. Dolph takes momentum back as he counters a monkey flip, and the chain wrestling resumes. Dolph “wins” it with a dropkick after they swap about ten near-falls, and the fans give them a golf clap of respect. Thing settle down as Cesaro whips Dolph into the corner; Dolph goes through ropes and smashes his shoulder on the post. He tumbles to the outside, and we go to break.

Back, and Cesaro is in control with a rest hold. Ziggler powers out after a moment, but Cesaro reapplies a sleeper. Dolph reverses it and applies his own sleeper, but Cesaro powers out. Dolph gets a hope spot with several sprinting clotheslines, and even hits the Heart Attack Elbow Drop (my name for it, not WWE's, obviously). 

Dolph fails a pin after that, but maintains offense with a sunset flip and a tilt-a-whirl sleeper hold, a thing that I didn't was possible. Maybe I described it wrong, I dunno. Cesaro break it though and rearranges Dolph to the front with pure strength (Dolph never touched the ground), and Cesaro hit a suplex. Pin, only two.

Both guys take a minute to recover, but Dolph tries his jumping spike DDT. Cesaro counters it to a tilt-a-whirl side slam. Pin, only two. Ziggler hits a quick roll-up, only two. Cesaro hits a big boot, pin, only two. Cesaro hits a double underhook powerbomb, pin, only two. Holy shit, that was a hell of a combination.

Both guys take another rest as the fans fire up a deserved “This is awesome!” chant. Cesaro grabs Dolph's ankles and teases the Cesaro Swing, but Dolph reverses it. Both guys to their feet, they both counter and re-counter back slides, then Dolph hits the Zig Zag out of fucking nowhere and makes the pin.

Holy shit. YouTube-worthy, baby. You definitely want to watch this one.

Pre-Segment 8: Brie's new music is obnoxious. Well... the intro is. Once that's done, it's pretty generic, but the opening autotuned lyrics caused my brain to hemorrhage.

Segment 8 [6-Diva Tag Match]: Nikki Bella, My Summer Rae, & Cameron defeat Brie Bella, Natalya, & Naomi by pin. Subpar and way too frickin' short, but nothing surprising for how stupidly WWE is handling this entire “feud.”

Brie and Cameron to start as they exchange a couple basic moves. Cameron gets the advantage, shoves Brie into the heels' corner, then tags in Summer Rae. From there, the heels cut the ring in half for the heel beatdown sequence.

Summer manages to take Brie down, so Nikki tags herself in. She hits her torture rack slam and makes the clean pin. Natalya and Naomi never tagged in, or really did much of anything but get knocked off the apron.

After the match, Nikki gets a mic and talks some shit to Brie, concluding that Nikki will be the wicked stepsister while Brie will her “Cinderbella.” Uh, does Nikki not catch the irony that Cinderella winds up coming out on top? Your (or the WWE's “Creative” Team's) metaphors suck. I feel the need to vomit, and it's not just because I'm drinking Mr. Pibb like some sort of heathen.

Segment 9: RAW Rewind. OO does not recap recaps, except when it forgets and does so. This includes a post-RAW Hulk Hogan mini-interview (a continuation of the previous one concerning Big Show) on his take of the double main events this Sunday.

Cut Scene: After commercial, it's announced that Hogan will be on RAW this Monday, after Hell in a Cell.

Pre-Segment 10: C'mon WWE, put Gold & Stardust's theme on iTunes already! I want to throw money at you!

Segment 10 [6-Man Tag Match]: Bo Dallas & Gold & Stardust defeat Mark Henry & The Usos by pin. Solid match, nothing special, but fun to watch. Mark Henry charges Bo Dallas, who immediately tags out and runs away. Henry isn't happy, but he tags in Jey to deal with Stardust.

Rapid tags from both sides as they trade blows. Jimmy and Goldust engage, and Jimmy back body drops Goldust, then sends him flying out of the ring. Stardust tries to intervene, but gets thrown from the ring for his trouble. The Usos consider their trademark twin suicide dives, but Bo Dallas gets in the way. Mark Henry chases him out of the ring, so both teams stare each other down as we go to commercial.

Back, and the heels are in control over Jimmy. He gets a breath as he hits an enziguri on Goldust on his third attempt. Double tags next, as Mark Henry goes house of fire on all three heels. Dallas was legal, so Jey hits a flying no-hands vaulting press to flatten Gold & Stardust on the outside. Stardust dodges the worst of it throw, then cuts down Jimmy so he face plants the apron.

Meanwhile, Dallas tries something against Henry to no avail. However, Stardust runs interference and distracts Henry. Henry deals with him, but Dallas uses the change to hit the Flying Bo-Dog on Henry. Pin, three, done.

Man. Poor Henry; that loss #4 to Dallas. He's got his number for sure.

Segment 11: Renee Young interviews Dolph Ziggler in the back, who says that it was a hard-fought match, but he's—

Well, he's cut off by Cesaro. Cesaro says that the IC Title is the most prestigious title in WWE (a ballsy claim); Dolph responds that it's only prestigious because he's holding it. Cesaro declares that Dolph was just lucky, and wants Dolph to put the title on the line again for Sunday, in a 2 of 3 Falls match. Dolph accepts.

So, uh, Rick... Did you know that match ahead of time? Like, did you know this was coming, or did you actually just guess this is where they were headed due to the story pacing? Because if you correctly guessed it and had no prior knowledge, that's... that's kind of scary. [Ed. Note: nah, I knew. And since I got to watch RAW with FF this week, I just assumed they'd already announced it on the show at some point, and I skipped over it. And so I put it in the recap not knowing they'd be holding back the official reveal until SD.]

Anyway, Cesaro hits a shitty punch line as he says to Dolph, “The only showing off you'll do is when I show. You. Up!” Ugh... they can't all be winners.

Segment 12: Rollins hits the ring with the New Stooges in tow. The ring is decorated with a couple chairs, one beside a table, and one sitting on the table.

As he gets situated, we get a replay of Ambrose's mannequin, which includes a little sweetening of the sound. Tom Philips tries to laugh about this and make it funny in retrospect, but it's just not happening.

Cut back to the ring and we get a pan of the ring. I was mistaken: there are two tables, and not only is there a chair on one, but both tables are covered with tools and weapons of all kinds. This includes shout-outs to Hacksaw Jim Duggan and the late Big Boss Man, as we've got a 2x4 and an old-school baton on one.

Rollins takes up a mic and says that Ambrose thought he was the only one with a “bag of tricks,” but Rollins taught him everything he knows. Ambrose can call him a sellout forever, but it doesn't matter. The fans call him that too! And the fans do, because we fans are puppets.

Anyway, Rollins continues putting himself over dashed with a little cheap heat. Rollins asserts that he's a student of the game, and he knows that with Hell in a Cell, there is only one rule: there are no rules. I really, really hate that cliché since it makes no literal sense: if the only rule is that there are no rules, then that one rule is broken, thus there must be a rule. It's a logical fallacy, like the sentence “This statement is false.” I know, I know: nobody except me cares about this shit. But really, “The only rule is that there are no rules” needs to be put to pasture. Just say you'll use the same tools that built the Cell to destroy Ambrose or something. It works with your theme of implements you have scattered everywhere.

Regardless, Rollins transitions to his toys, and selecting a few implements to describe how he's going to use them to keep Ambrose contained, injured, or both. This goes on for a few minutes; it feels a little overlong in the macro, but it works to a point.

Finally, Rollins calls out Ambrose, as per his promise in the opener. Rollins continues to talk shit as he invites Ambrose to the ring, but we have no response. Rollins isn't surprised: he knows Ambrose is all talk. But hey, maybe he's smart, since he knows that Rollins would so totally beat the shit out of him. Rollins knows that his future his bright, but Ambrose's future is ride straight to hell. He punctuates that by kicking it to the Titantron to show a clip from Monday showing Ambrose unconscious in the ring as Rollins stands on the cell.

Back to the ring, and we see that Rollins and the New Stooges are staring at the Titantron. So obviously Ambrose appears on the other side of the ring, slides in, and whaps Rollins with a kendo stick. The New Stooges scramble and try to help. Ambrose fights them off, but Rollins lays him out with a clothesline.

The New Stooges smother Ambrose with punches as Rollins clears off a table to prepare it. However, Ambrose fights off the New Stooges again and gets Rollins in the powerbomb position. Jamie Noble stops that, and Rollins bails from the ring. Ambrose finishes off the New Stooges, and Joey Mercury eats Dirty Deeds for his trouble.

By this time, Rollins is near the stage. He and Ambrose scream at each other. Then just to punctuate things, Ambrose lays Mercury out on the table, blows Rollins a kiss (seriously), then hits a top rope elbow drop to put Mercury through the table.

The fans chant “One more time!” Ambrose didn't seem like he was going to, but hell: there's still an unbroken table in the ring! Ambrose clears it off, the fans lose their shit, Ambrose sets Noble up, and another elbow drop to put him through the table.

Rollins is pissed and pulls off his shirt as the fans go with a loud “Thank you, Ambrose!” Rollins decides against leaving the stage, and the fans don't care as Ambrose's music fires up.

Final Thoughts: Pretty solid for a “going home” episode of SmackDown. It didn't have the sizzle that RAW had, mainly because Cena and Orton weren't here, but the selljob on the other main event was great. I thought Ambrose's promo in the opening was actually stronger overall than the main event angle, but there's no arguing about the visual from seeing Noble and Mercury put through tables. Then again, if the SmackDown Rule holds, it means Ambrose loses on Sunday. Meh... it'll be fun times either way.

The undercard wasn't great. I mean, Dolph/Cesaro rocked the house, but everything else was a little meh. Still, the stories were told. This episode exemplifies being bigger than the sum of its parts. In a vacuum, it was all right, but as a lead-in to Sunday and the undercard stories, it succeeded in its purpose.

That is, except for Brie/Nikki, since that rivalry is several kinds of stupid to begin with. It's not a diva thing, as AJ/Paige went well enough for what it was story-wise. But Brie/Nikki as a feud is just awful, and they didn't really do much to change anyone's minds here. Ditto Big Show/Rusev, since the interview was already pretty lame for an overall lame plot, but at least I can sort of get behind Show/Rusev in a nostalgia or cheesy “turn off your brain” kind of feud. Brie/Nikki isn't helped by turning off my brain; that feud makes me want to rethink putting freaking 5 hours of my free time into wrestling every week, plus two more for the recap.

Ah well, so it goes. I'm done for the night, as Adventure Manager and pumpkin candy are calling me. Enjoy Hell in a Cell Sunday... or don't, because Rick will have the recap here at Online Onslaught shortly after the 10PV concludes.

Or do both, which is what I'll be doing. Have a good night everyone, and I'll see you next week for the post-Hell in a Cell SmackDown recap.

Episode Grade: B-