If by “God” we mean your bathroom wall, when your colon violently
protests your ingestion of something so completely insane.

At the risk of war crimes being perpetuated against the porcelain throne, I'm going to be kicking it up a notch tonight, because between the Triscuits and the jalapenos, I'll be adding individual slices of pepperoni too. That means each bite gives you grain, meat, vegetable, and dairy, making it the perfect balanced diet of a snack if you ignore the outrageous fat and sodium content. I think I'm a genius.

Still, that's nothing compared to my other experiment tonight, but that requires a little story. I once ate out at Steak 'n Shake, a fantastic (albeit a little pricey) place that I'm not entirely sure is a national chain. (Are they national? Or just regional?) I once saw that they had vanilla Coke, which is my all-time favorite mainstream soda, so I ordered one. When I drank it though, it wasn't just a vanilla Coke; it tasted like fourteen angels—each with dark eyes, waist-length dark hair, and natural C-cups—performed an orgy on my taste buds.

Turns out when you order a vanilla Coke from Steak 'n Shake, they don't just give you vanilla Coke. No, that'd be too amateurish. What they do is they pour you a normal Coke, but then they grab a small amount of their vanilla ice cream that they use in their amazing shakes. They let it melt just enough so that it's liquid but still cold, pour it into your glass of Coke, then stir it in so gently that they don't let it fizz. That's the kind of artistry you don't expect from anyone outside an Italian family, and I thanked them by drinking three-quarters of it in about five seconds. It was the most delicious ice cream headache I've ever induced.

It's been years since I had that thing, but I'm feeling so good tonight that I've decided to recreate it with a slight twist, because if something is worth doing, it's worth overdoing. Now, one of my favorite taste combinations is to eat chocolate or chocolate with peanut butter (like a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup) and chase it with regular Pepsi. It's seriously a great flavor combination, and I don't know why; try it some time if you don't believe me. So I'm taking two lessons into one and Frankensteining the hell out of them: I'm going pour myself a cold glass of Coke (no ice, since watering it down will make it awful), then sit out a small amount (like a couple teaspoons' worth) of cookies-and-cream ice cream, then mix it in. Slowly, of course, with a coffee stirrer, slowly enough that it doesn't fizz. It's either going to taste weird or add another couple angels to the orgy. That's a risk I'm willing to take, and I promise I'll let you know how it turns out next week.

But that will be my post-recap reward. For now, we've got to get on with wrestling, especially since I've just blathered for 1000 words about my late-night snack plans. Let's roll...

Opening: It's hard to distill fifteen years of SmackDown into a 30-second montage, but they give it their best shot. Let's celebrate the anniversary!

Segment 1: Stephanie McMahon hits the ring to reminece about how The Rock coined the word “smackdown,” and how he totally lost to her husband on the first episode. Boo!

Stephanie wants to continue chatting about SmackDown as a whole, but then John “Goddamnit, Really?” Laurinaitis hits the ring. Somehow, time makes the heart grow fonder, and the fans start chanting “People Power!” before he gets a chance to speak. Am I just seeing things?

Anyway, Johnny Ace puts himself over as being the man who as general manager made SmackDown super awesome and cool, which, as a douchebag heel, is really effective. He shills the WWE Network, then pimps himself to be the next general manager to return SmackDown to greatness, or something.

Except Teddy Long then hits the stage, and he gets a pop rivaling The Rock's from Monday for some reason. I'm happy to see the guy too, but that was a bit of a stretch, wasn't it? Or maybe not: JBL is so happy that he leaves the announcers' desk just to do a Teddy Long-esque dance and to high five the guy before running back. The fans give him a loud “Teddy! Teddy!” chant too.

Long cuts a promo against Johnny Ace and declares he (Long) will be damned to watch Johnny take over the show again. Johnny ignores that, and books The Miz and Cesaro vs. Sheamus and Jack Swagger. Huh. Well, Long one-ups him by adding Bo Dallas and Mark Henry to the teams respectively. So Ace whips out his dick for this measuring contest and adds Gold and Stardust and the Usos to the teams respectively.

Oh no, says Long: since this is the 15th anniversary of the show, he's going to make it a 15-man tag match, since it's never been done before. Cesaro, Bo Dallas, Miz, Goldust, Stardust, Hornswoggle, Heath Slater, and Titus O'Neil vs. Sheamus, Mark Henry, Jack Swagger, the Usos, Los Matadors, El Torito, and Tito Santana. Uh... that last one was random.

Stephanie knows that Teddy sort of lost his mind, so she settles it by telling the guys to just pick some dudes for teams, and whoever's team win gets the totally unofficial “Greatest SmackDown GM Ever” title. She also says that The Miz gets to run Miz TV tonight, and we'll see John Cena and Dean Ambrose “debating” tonight.

And then here comes the Exotic Express and Adam Rose for no apparent reason. I see he still has that beard, and I just want to rip it off his face. I tried rocking that once, and I still have a picture. The results are tragic.

Rose says that it's party time all the time, but especially at this time, since we're having an anniversary party. Stephanie declares it is a party, so Adam Rose can party and even be in action... against Kane.

At the name, everyone in the Exotic Express stops dancing at once, with Adam himself also looking sad. Stephanie is all smiles and wants Adam's music to be hit, which happens. The Rosebuds remain shocked and unmoving; Stephanie however starts dancing like a loon, which is more adorable and sexy than it has any right to be. Teddy Long joins in and, after much deliberation with the voices in his head, Johnny Ace does too. The whole thing is hilarious (mostly thanks to the faux joyous expressions on Stephanie's, Teddy's, and Ace's faces), and we're starting strong tonight.

Pre-Segment 2: Kane hits the ring with a mic, talking while he walks that he's not a cheeseburger, a bunny, a lemon, or a rosebud. He's many other things, like a demon... but tonight he's a party-pooper.

Jesus. That was really effective until that last line. If he simply ended it with “What I am... is a demon” and left it at that, it would have been fairly intimidating, especially given his size difference to Rose. Instead, it sounds stupid and goofy for the wrong reasons.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Kane squashes Adam Rose by pin. OO does not recap squashes... when it remembers, anyway.

After the match, the Rosebuds checked on Rose. Kane wasn't having that, so he slid in the ring and punched all the male Rosebuds at the females bailed. Then Kane concentrated on the bunny, who managed to escape as a couple others took chokeslams for him.

Match Bump: We got a graphic about the “15-Man” tag match, which is really 16 men; they're just counting Hornswoggle and El Torito as a half-man each to make the math work. Also, Damien Sandow is involved for the heels, who wasn't mentioned at the beginning, I don't think. Ah well, does it really matter? We'll deal with it when get to that match.

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: AJ reverse-squashes Alicia Fox (w/ Paige) by submission. Fox with roughneck offense, slamming AJ's face into the turnbuckle a few times before busting out a bridging suplex for a failed pin attempt. Then she applies a rest hold, which by now is like 45 seconds into the match, so it's going to be one of those matches.

AJ powers out, so Fox hits a wicked tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, with a little jump to add some stank on it. But then she gets a greedy when she tries it again, and she gets wrapped in the Black Widow. Fox taps.

Then Paige comes in to Pearl Harbor her, but AJ fights Paige and Fox.

But, uh, there was a weird cut. AJ threw Fox into Paige, and then they cut awkwardly to the crowd, then played AJ's music. That was strange; was there more stuff they cut out, or did they really end AJ's moral victory on an Irish Whip?

Wait, did I just forget that OO doesn't recap squashes? Damnit!

Segment 4: A replay of the one lady's speech form Monday concerning breast cancer. I, uh, forget her name, but it was a nice speech and the fans actually show her respect, so that's a win.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Seth Rollins (w/ Jamie Noble & Joey Mercury) extend-squashes Kofi Kingston by pin. Kofi didn't get an entrance, so we knew how this was going to turn out.

Rollins with roughneck offense by flinging Kofi into the barricade and apron to within a minute of the match starting. Stomping, illegal holds, you know the drill: a total heel beatdown. Kofi had a prayer starting with a flash pin attempt. Rollins kicked out, suffered a few kicks, but snuffed out the rally (as Michael Cole likes to say), then hit him with a running powerbomb to the corner turnbuckle. Geez, didn't think Rollins had that in him.

Rollins followed up with a second one, followed by a curb stomp. That was that.

Also, Noble and Mercury need a nickname. I mean, Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco were The Stooges, so what does that make Noble and Mercury? The Gnats?

Segment 6: The Wyatt Family talk some crazy bullshit.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Rusev (w/ Lana) defeats Dolph Ziggler by submission. Power versus speed the whole way. The result was never in doubt, and though Dolph made a game of it twice, he never really had a prayer. Dolph's minor overselling made Rusev look particularly dangerous, so it worked out, and I don't think Dolph really loses any momentum for this loss.

After the match, Lana talks shit about America, then talks shit about The Rock. Easy to do when the dude isn't there. Rusev assures everyone that Rock will pay (how, he doesn't make clear), then challenges Big Show to a match on RAW.

Segment 8: We get some footage of post-RAW on Monday, when The Rock walked into Triple H's office, and the two of them basically tried to one-up each other as they reminisced about beating each other on various SmackDowns 15 years ago.

What's interesting is that there is a minor implication that they might, just might, have a WrestleMania match. Then they get nose-to-nose and then start talking about the trope about how it's REALLY awkward with two guys being so close together, but that neither can back out. So it goes from being intense to incredibly silly, then they start arguing again about whether they'd beat the other at WrestleMania. But Stephanie plays peacemaker, and everyone decides to just go grab something to eat that night.

Weird, but entertaining. Probably nothing comes form it though. I hope we haven't seen The Rock's last match, but at this point, why not? It's not like he's got anything left to prove, or even do.

Pre-Segment 9: Booker T hits the commentators' desk to make a four-man booth for the next match. Oh, and JBL and Cole threw a cake on the third commentator's name whose I keep forgetting. Tom Philips, I think. Except Booker T's headset doesn't work, so we just get silence from him until the break.

Also, we're getting ready for the 15-Man Tag Match, so I get to see who's actually involved here. Team Teddy comes out first, comprised of: Sheamus, Mark Henry, Jack Swagger, the Usos, Los Matadores, and El Torito. Team Johnny comes out second, comprised of: Goldust, Stardust, Heath Slater, Titus O'Neil, Bo Dallas, Damien Sandow, Cesaro, and Hornswoggle. Or Mini-Gator, or whatever the hell he's calling himself these days.

So, I see: I thought they were going to use The Miz, rather than Sandow, since I heard the stupid “Damien Mizdow” and misheard it. Whatever.

Segment 9 [15-Man Tag Match]: Team Teddy defeats Team Johnny by pin. They went to break after introducing the faces. After the break, the heels came out, the match started, Los Matadores did some minor offense, everyone teased the Pier Fifteen Brawl but backed out, and then we went to a second break. Pacing issues, anyone?

Back, and... well... nothing here. Cutting the ring in half, rapid tags, other heel beatdown sequence cliches. Except that since we have so many guys involved and everyone needs some screen time, no one really stays active for longer than thirty seconds. Still, the trade off is that the pace is nice and high, so it's pretty fun to watch.

Sandow for his part was a de facto face for the crowd. They chanted “We want Mizdow!” for a while until he tagged in, which popped the crowd. He did some work then tagged out, and the fans started up with a “Thank you, Mizdow!” chant instead.

The Usos took turns as the faces in peril during the extended heel beatdown segment, which crossed two commercial breaks. After the second, Slater had Jimmy Uso under control, but Jimmy fought out. Tags to Sheamus and Cesaro, with the former cleaning house and taking control, especially with the 10 of Clubs... which he had to interrupt halfway through as Stardust and Slater arrived to try to interrupt it. Sheamus just hit the 10 of Clubs on all three of them.

Then came the obligatory “let's take turns hitting big moves on each other” sequence, including the Usos with their signature suicide flying no-hands dive, which took out most of the heels and Johnny Ace.

More insanity from everyone, with Bo Dallas being the last man in the ring. Then Sheamus arrived and beheaded him with a Brogue Kick, but Cesaro caught him with the Cesaro Swing. Broken up by an Uso, heels ran interference, then Sandow tagged in. Sandow whiffed on a Skull Crushing Finale and ate a Brogue Kick. One of the Usos tagged himself in and hit a splash, and that was that.

So, that was a fun match, even though it didn't, you know, accomplish anything.

Segment 10: More crazy nonsense from the Wyatt Family.

Segment 11: Okay, so WWE has been doing cuts of SmackDown history throughout the episode. Bringing the mood down though, they show the clip of SmackDown after the 9/11 terrorist attacks, since that was the first large public gathering after the attacks. Yes, the murders of 3000 civilians is exactly what I want to be reminded of while having fun watching professional wrestling!

Segment 12: Miz TV, which means... shorthand!

Miz blathers, clip of Ambrose attacking Cena on Monday, it's announced that Cena/Ambrose's match will be a “Contract on a Pole” Match. Ugh.

Ambrose hits the ring, Cena hits the ring, Ambrose says he attacked Cena on Monday to prove that he doesn't take crap from anyone, Cena calls Ambrose a lunatic but respects his tactics, and Cena says that Ambrose has balls, which is what you need to succeed in WWE. Cena says this by displaying a couple baseballs he had in his pocket the whole time. Everyone loves props, I guess. It's kind of dumb, but Cena ad-libs that Miz has no right to look at them since Miz doesn't know what they are, which was unexpected enough that Ambrose lightly broke character and smirked while trying to resist.

Cena goes on that he (Cena himself) is impressed, and so are the fans, who want to see someone actually challenge Cena. Cena wants the challenge; but he warns that he's going to just as much of a challenge to Ambrose too. He concludes that after 12 years of being in WWE, he knows he's got two things: these [balls] and his word, and he won't break either for anyone.

Miz blathers as he tries to goad Ambrose, but Ambrose remains calm as he says he'll totally beat Cena at Hell in a Cell, no problem. Cena starts to leave, Miz wants to see blood between the two, they decide to just kick Miz's ass instead. Cena teases an FU, but changes his mind and just shoves Miz to Ambrose so he can hit a Dirty Deeds. The crowd pops!

...And then Cena hits an FU to Ambrose. Massive boos. Cena doesn't care: he just plants his ass on one of the nearby director chairs and winks as he looks over Ambrose's carcass. We get a shot of Rollins looking on from the back, smiling himself, as he's sure he's pulling the strings. We'll see.

Final Thoughts: The main event promo was predictable, and Cena defaulted to his usual over-the-top screamo promo style. However, it hit all the right notes and did what it needed to do. During Miz's final tirade to Ambrose, he asked him in about forty different ways if Ambrose thought he had a shot against Cena. Ambrose just answered: “Yep.” Verbose, and totally fitting within his character. The one-upsmanship between Cena and Ambrose worked well too, boos aside. The story it told was the one that needed to be told. Their moral victories are tied, though we've still got two more weeks to see how it shakes out.

Still, this night was light on much progress. Generally WWE pauses storylines for a milestone episode, as they are too busy putting a bunch of special stuff together to celebrate. The thing is, there wasn't really any celebration here. Teddy Long and Booker T (and, surprisingly, even Johnny Ace) made a decent appearance, but they don't really “count” for stunt-booking, I don't think. I mean, their super-special match amounted to little more than an undercard battle royal for what good it did. I won't even make the argument that there were undercard stories being weaved into that match, because really, there weren't, aside from a couple spots here and there.

I'm not arguing that it wasn't fun, because it was, more or less. I've been a lot more annoyed on a lot less effort. I'm just saying that while the episode can stand on its own in a vacuum and was certainly a lot of fun for the live crowd, it's also pretty much the antithesis of sustainable episodic TV aside from the main event promo, but with so little “special” going on with the milestone episode, it can't even fall back on that excuse.

Think about some of the special episodes, like their yearly Old School RAW. Sure, some stories are paused, but it's to allow us longer-term fans get little smiles of hearing Ron Simmons scream DAMN!, or Mae Young kiss some poor schmoe, or reunite teams that hadn't been paired up in a while, or witness how senile the Iron Sheik has become, or cheer Hacksaw Jim Duggan as he whaps some dude with his 2x4 while screaming “Ho!” at the top of his lungs. The stories may pause, but we don't care, because we're too busy getting nostalgic.

Tonight, other than video packages that frankly didn't work all the great as a one-off montage, there was no nostalgia. Johnny Ace and Teddy Long weren't that long ago, and Booker T was around back at WrestleMania if memory serves. Why even bother at that point? Give the divas and Rollins/Kofi an extra five minutes each rather than run nothing but squashes and extended squashes; it would have been a better use of their time.

I don't know, man. I'm “harsh” or critical or whatever because I love WWE. But episodes like this are more boring than counterproductive. It wasn't nostalgic, it wasn't useful, it didn't advance stories, it didn't create moments, it... just... existed.

Meh. Maybe I'm too old or something. All I know is, my Triscuits are calling. Have a good weekend everyone, and I'll see you next week for another one.

Episode Grade: D+