Hi everyone, I'm PyroFalkon and I'm back after taking nearly two full months off of writing. It's been a rather unpleasant two months, though honestly the unpleasantness stretches back a bit longer than that. In my foolish youth (all of four years ago), I had assumed that once I graduated college, the worst of my stress would be over. But between a bunch of work assignments and personal problems, stress found its way back to me.

None of my issues have really improved as a result of my vacation, unfortunately. A couple of them have even gotten worse, and I'm closer than ever having a total meltdown. That said, I have managed to make a few decisions that will hopefully lead to a more manageable (though significantly less wealthy) life. Now I see why “money isn't everything” isn't entirely bullshit.

Regardless, enough blathering. Online Onslaught hasn't dealt with the drool I emit over the divas since early August, and we need to rectify that.

Segment 1 [Singles Match]: Dean Ambrose defeats The Miz (w/ Damien Sandow) by pin. Solid match, but nothing special.

Standard back-and-forth opening with Miz playing the chickenshit heel. Oddly enough, the new play-by-play guy (whose name I forget) spent pretty much the first half of the match totally silent. There were some awkward pauses while JBL and Michael Cole just discussed the match background, making me wonder what exactly that was all about. These are the things I notice: if Ambrose is the “lunatic fringe” of WWE, then I'm the lunatic fringe of WWE's production values.

Toward the end, Ambrose had the offense until Damien Sandow got a little frisky, and the distraction caused Ambrose to fall victim to the Figure Four. Ambrose grabbed the ropes to break the hold, but Kane and Seth Rollins arrived. Miz tried to hit the Skull Crushing Finale as Ambrose was distracted, but Ambrose slipped out and hit the Dirty Deeds instead.

Post-Segment 1: Ambrose doesn't back down from fights. The heels didn't get coordinated, and he managed to successfully defend himself. He didn't stick around, though he managed to steal Rollins's Money in the Bank Briefcase before running through the crowd to escape.

Segment 2: Stardust talks some crazy shit, but Goldust is there to firmly tell him to cut that shit out. Goldust, in as serious of a voice as he can muster with that face paint, proceeds to remind Cody that they totally have the cosmic key, which I guess is the WWE Tag Team Titles. Goldust informs us that the Usos want the cosmic key, but they totally won't ever take it. Also, Cody calls them the “Gemini Usos,” which makes me giggle.

Segment 3 [Battle Royal, winner is the #1 contender for the Intercontinental Title]: Cesaro outlast everyone else. No idea how many people are involved (maybe about 14), but only Cesaro and Jack Swagger get entrances, so I'd bet they're the only two who matter here. To take us to commercial, Cesaro eliminated Big E with a military press drop over the ropes, which is not unimpressive.

The final three saw of course Cesaro and Swagger... but also Kofi Kingston. He did well throughout the match as always, but he was involved in a very scary spot late in the match. He had gone over the top rope and was lying on the apron. Cesaro tried to eliminate him, but Kofi did his signature reverse kick using the ropes as leverage. Swagger followed up by hitting Cesaro with a Swagger Bomb in the corner.

Then Swagger focused on Kofi, who had gone up to the top rope. Kofi jumped off and landed on Swagger's shoulders, ostensibly looking like he sought a flying huracanrana or headscissors. Swagger caught him though, so Kofi was in the powerbomb position... the spot was great in theory. In practice however, Swagger didn't have the proper balance, and he started stumbling backwards. I assume the spot was supposed to be Swagger dumping Kofi over the ropes, either in the proper powerbomb position or a backwards powerbomb position. However, because Swagger was off-balance, he stumbled backwards and just fell near the middle of the ring, but nearer to the corner. Kofi had nowhere to go and couldn't grab the ropes for balance: he smashed his chin and neck on the middle turnbuckle, which looks all kinds of sick and scary. The crowd groaned in sympathy, and both refs were on him in a flash. Luckily, we got the Single Fist of Health, rather than the dreaded Crossed Arms of Doom. Good lord. I wonder where the onus on that one was... did Kofi jump too far, or did Swagger just not have his feet set? Or both?

Kofi was well enough he got into position after a few seconds, and Swagger went for a Swagger Bomb on him. Cesaro caught him, and all three got tangled up in the ropes and on the apron. Swagger stayed on the apron, and Kofi tried to dump Cesaro, but Cesaro got out by thumbing Kofi's eye. Kofi tried to attack him anyway, but Cesaro dodged and picked Kofi up. As Swagger got back to his feet on the apron, Cesaro just threw Kofi into Swagger, sending both to the floor.

Cesaro gets his title shot a bit later tonight.

Segment 4: The Gemini Usos are on their way to the ring for their match. Renee Young finds them and asks if they're ready. The Usos get... weird as only they can do. Nothing here worth mentioning, so why did I mention it?

Pre-Segment 5: I already really dig Goldust and Stardust, but their music is really sweet. I hope WWE puts it on iTunes soon.

Segment 5 [Tag Match for the WWE Tag Team Titles]: The Usos defeat Gold & Stardust by disqualification, but Gold & Stardust retain. Solid match after the break, kinda meh (formulaic but not bad) up until then.

It's all Usos prior to the commercial break, but Goldust takes control after snapping one Uso's arm on the top rope. Stardust starts slamming the Uso's face into the commentators' table, at which point he (Stardust) starts screaming “Where's the Key, Cole?” Heh.

From there, it's the heel beatdown sequence: quick tags, rest holds, unusual offense, you know the drill. Jey gets the hot tag, and Jimmy goes house of fire... which includes a belly-to-belly suplex on Stardust that almost ended in tragedy, as Cody landed on his neck rather than his back. The ref had to check on him, but we got the Single Fist of Health. Seriously guys, cut that shit out, I'm getting scared for you all.

Jimmy couldn't close the deal and we had a Pier Four Brawl. Thing settled down as Goldust and Jey were put down, and Stardust tried a top rope something-or-other. Jimmy caught him and put Stardust in the powerbomb position, but then Jey magically appeared in the faces' corner. The Usos tagged, and Jey flew off the top rope with a clothesline, hitting a Doomsday Device that I haven't seen in like a decade. Except someone screwed up again, or Stardust got a little over-anxious, because rather than just falling backwards, he did a flip in midair and landed on his face, nearly on his neck. Once again the ref had to check on him. C'mon guys, my heart can't take this on my first day back.

The Usos tagged again after that spot so Jimmy could hit the huge splash. Stardust's foot was kinda-sorta under the bottom rope but fuck it: pin is made, the ref counts, and Goldusts arrives and bashes Jimmy's back with the tag titles. Welp, that's that.

Segment 6: Seth Rollins is raging in the back to Kane regarding Ambrose. Kane points out that Ambrose's ownership of the case doesn't mean dick; Rollins is still Mr. Money in the Bank. Rollins doesn't give a shit, and declares that if Ambrose doesn't return it, then what they did to him with the cinder blocks “will look like child's play.”

Commercial: Yeah, commercial recap, because WWE has decided to commission a song that must be titled “Nine Nintey-Nine” as they try a hard sell for the WWE Network. The music struck me because it's straight out of mid-aughts rock (think SUM 41 if that doesn't cause you an aneurysm), and yet it's somehow being sung without irony. That's some magic right there.

Pre-Segment 7: RRRRRROOOSSSAAA!!! And Natalya and Summer Rae and Layla! Pyro is happy. Rick has been slacking on screaming diva names... mostly because he's classier than that, but still.

Segment 7 [Tag Match]: Layla & Summer Rae defeat My Rosa Mendes & Natalya by flash pin. So Natalya is pissed, and this match is predicated on something that happened on That Show We Don't Acknowledge. I can be an asshole and mention that basically what happened would have been recorded like eight months ago and there's no way Natalya would carry that specific grudge that long, but whatever.

Anyway, Natalya beats the shit out of Layla since Summer plays the chickenshit heel and refuses to play. So, uh, when the hell did Summer turn heel? Or do we just not care anymore?

Once Layla gets a breath, Summer tags herself in and they cut the ring in half for the heel beatdown. This includes the third-stupidest rest hold I've ever seen, which involves Natalya sitting in the middle of the ring, and Summer sitting behind her with her Summer's legs wrapped around Natalya's torso. So it's like the Bearhug of Doom, but seated and with legs. Surprisingly not sexy at all, since I can't shake how incredibly moronic it is.

Natalya powers out and does some magic, which includes dead-lifting Summer and repositioning her so she can hit a slam that sort of started as a scoop slam but evolved into a side slam. Except Summer slipped out and hit a head slam from Natalya's back. She then aggressively licked her lips while rubbing herself down, so I'm happy.

Also making me happy: Rosa gets a hot tag! She's actually in a match that isn't some stupid bullshit battle royal or overbooked mess! She runs in and clotheslines the shit out of Layla, does a full hip wiggle just for me, then kicks Layla in the face. No dice, and Layla counters with a sweet roundhouse. Pin attempt, but Natalya breaks it up.

We get a split-second Pier Four Brawl. Though, in hindsight, it probably isn't even that, as Summer arrives to throw Natalya out, then Rosa throws Summer out. Layla uses the distraction to roll Rosa up, and grabs a handful of her tights too. Now I'm going to need that birthday booze to drown my sorrows.

Rosa, I promise: if you write me at pyrofalkon@hotmail.com, I'll totally buy you a sympathy cheeseburger. McDonald's, Five Guys, your choice; just hit me up. [Ed. Note: I don't know how close you were paying attention during your hiatus, Pyro, but can we assume you saw this "wardrobe malfunction," in which Layla pantsed Rosa? If not, can we assume I am now your hero?]

Oh, throat clearing noises, I forgot why I was here for a second. The match was decent for the divas and not exactly anything to scream about. I really can't help but think they could have done a lot more with a couple extra minutes and the chance to do some actual match storytelling. But hey, that's 2014 WWE, for better or worse.

Segment 8: Renee Young interviews Big Show about him facing Rusev, and a thing that happened on Main Event. See, Mark Henry teased that he would turn heel on Big Show for pushing him into matches with Rusev. But Show calmed Henry down and assured him that he would totally knock Rusev out on Friday.

So here we are, and Show is still totally sure he's going to do just that against Rusev, which is next.

Segment 9: Roman Reigns is still recovering from his emergency surgery. The commentators had the gall to call this “breaking news” when they showed the exact same clip from Night of Champions.

Segment 10 [Singles Match for the Intercontinental Title]: Dolph Ziggler defeats Cesaro by flash pin. Cesaro had all the offense for 95% of the match. Dolph had a prayer but couldn't get much done, though he reversed a powerbomb attempt. He then went for a pin, and Mike Chioda started the count, but everyone sort of wiggled around. I raised an eyebrow, and the count started in earnest, except it didn't.

See, the finish was Cesaro grabbing the bottom rope, but Chioda didn't see it, and rang the bell in a win for Dolph. However, when they set up the spot, they weren't quite close enough to the rope, so they had to wiggle. Chioda jumped the gun and tried to play off his first mat slap as just getting into position, but even Michael Cole was fooled on the replay and thought the count started earlier than it did. So essentially, Chioda slapped once but no one counted it, then he slapped the mat twice more, Cesaro grabbed the bottom rope, and then was the “official” third mat slap.

I'm being picky, and mind you that I don't actually “mind” the mistake; but I wouldn't be me if I didn't point it out. I have no problem putting on my mark hat and just say that, yes, Dolph got away with one there. Cesaro argued, but Chioda didn't change his call, and there was no Dusty Finish here. Still, the unintentionally dirty win gives Cesaro an argument for a rematch.

Overall, it was a solid match but not exactly anything to write home about. One-sided matches aren't usually the most entertaining, so hopefully the next time around we'll see a bit more balance. Still, I was happy, and you'd probably dig it on the YouTubes.

Segment 11: Renee Young interviews Lana, who just talks some shit in favor of Rusev.

Segment 12 [Singles Match]: Big Show defeats Rusev (w/ Lana) by disqualification. Big Show had most of the offense before the break. As an exclamation point to take us to the break, he hit a Sunset Flip. Let me reiterate: The Big Show correctly and cleanly hit a Sunset Flip. I'm pretty sure the apocalypse is around the corner.

Or maybe not, since Rusev took momentum on the other side of the break. He dodged a clothesline and struck Show low on the knee with a battering ram. From there, Rusev went all-out with leg-targeted offense.

Show managed to get a breath, and he signaled for the KO Punch. Lana then grabbed Show's ankle. Once Show noticed her, she slid in the ring, then cowered. He stupidly watched her and kept asking what she was doing, allowing Rusev to grab the Russian flag and beat the crap out of Show with it, drawing the DQ.

After the match, Rusev tried to follow up with a running kick, but Show caught his foot. Rusev had nowhere to go, Lana panicked, and Show delivered the punch cleanly. Show wins a moral and an actual win!

Final Thoughts: There was very little that advanced in terms of the main event since Cena and Lesnar were nowhere to be seen, not that I was surprised. But I haven't seen this much advancement in the undercard for a long time. Nothing big, of course; everything was serviceable, and scary spots aside, all the matches were entertaining. The divas match could have been better, but with this modern era, my expectations are pretty damn low whenever anyone but Paige or AJ is out there.

The main event finish was pretty clever too. Rusev lost, sure, and he was taken down pretty hard for the first time. However, this wasn't his BIG “loss,” whenever it's coming. Rusev wasn't finished off in the match, and even though he's no longer undefeated, he still hasn't been pinned or forced to tap yet. Show revels in the win for now, but America hasn't won yet. Or something. I don't know. I do know that they should save Rusev's first clean loss to someone who is special... perhaps someone who is rumored to be coming back to WWE or something. I look forward to it.

That's all from me tonight, all. Hopefully I still have most of my edge and style. I'm glad to be back.

Episode Grade: B-