OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

OO SMACKDOWN RECAP
The Night of Magically Heeled Knees~!
September 13, 2014

by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OOWrestling.com

So, like just about every other sentient being in the first-world, I got a free copy of the new U2 album this week.

But unlike just about every sentient being, at least ones who have registered an opinion, I actually thought that was pretty cool. I mean, it's not a great record, or anything, but then again, U2 put out enough truly great shit before the mid-90s that they are welcome to skate by being merely "OK," anymore (an exception: I really, really liked "How to Dismantle," back about 10 years ago)... but hey, it wasn't bad, and it's FREE.

I just assumed everyone else would feel the same way: whether it's exactly your bag or not, you just got something with non-zero redeeming artisitc value for free. But nope, everywhere I turn the past 3 days or so, there's somebody else calling it "spam," acting like it's a violation of the social contract, and accusing U2 of being desperate old men.

It'd be easy to simply dismiss anyone who voiced this opinion (since they are clearly such clueless twatwaffles that their opinions do not count for shit), if not for the sheer ubiquitousness.

You know what? Nah, it's still easy to dismiss. Just because some fucktard got to write an editorial for the WSJ Online or whatever, and then all six other articles I've seen parroted that, doesn't mean the opinion counts. That's six of you dimwits, and there's still the other 2.3 billion of us who got the record for free and didn't bother to go online to say "Hey, neat."

Until now. So chalk it up: it's now 7 idiots vs. 1 reasonable person. Feel free to go to the tweeties and faceplaces and social mediaz to "join the discussion" and level the playing field even further!

With that out of my system, let's turn to this weekend's wrestling action. Here's what happened on SmackDown:

Opening Video Package for the Benefit of Those with ADD: OO does not recap recaps.

BIG SHOW/MARK HENRY/THE USOS vs. LUKE HARPER/ERICK ROWAN/THE DUST BROTHERS (w/ Bray Wyatt)

No introductory theme/pyro/anything, and instead we slam cut to the inside of the arena in Wilkes-Barre, PA, where the Big Show is on his way to the ring. In betwixt the multiple ring entrances, Tom Phillips, JBL, and Cole set the stage for the night (including our Jericho/Reigns vs. Orton/Rollins main event).

Jey Uso still has his knee heavily bandaged, and is limping. So he's gonna try to keep his participation to a minimum (or so one would assume)... Jimmy Uso starts off for the team, and whoops, I was wrong: Jimmy gets the better of Stardust, and immediately tags Jey into the match. Huh.

But he only does about 30 seconds of work, before switching off to Henry. Henry slobberknocks with Harper, getting the better of it, at first. But then Bray (who was content to sit in his rocking chair up on the stage) decides to make his way towards ringside.

Big Show cuts him off, but the distraction is enough to allow Harper to hit a big boot and take over. With Henry down, and Show jawing with Wyatt, we break for...

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Back, and Jimmy is in command against Harper. But only for a bit. He charges Harper in the corner, and Harper backdrops him out of the ring. Jimmy lands awkwardly, and now HE is selling a severely injured left knee (just like his brother). As Harper and Rowan make frequent tags, the announcers comment on how the Dust Brothers are probably loving the fact that both Usos are now one-legged men ahead of their tag title match next Sunday.

After a heel beatdown sequence, Jimmy gets separation after a superkick, and makes the hot tag to Big Show. Starudst comes in on the corresponding move. Show's en feugo for a bit, until Goldust jumps in and together with Stardust, they hit a doubleteam suplex on Show. Impressive.

Not unexpectedly, things break down into a Pier 8 Brawl at this point.

Once it settles back down to Show vs. Stardust (the legal men), Jey Uso blind tags himself in as Show bounces off the ropes. Show hits a big shoulderblock to drop Stardust, and lightning-quick, Jey follows up with the Superfly Splash for the pin.

Your Winners: the Usos and Show/Henry, via pinfall, in about 14 minutes. Straight forward tag formula, but well executed and effective in terms of giving the Usos a nice boost after several weeks of them being the Dust Brothers' bitches.

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Backstage: Kane has summoned Seth Rollins and Randy Orton to his office, where he commends them for a job well done on Monday... Rollins says Monday was great, but he's gonna finish the job on Roman Reigns later tonight. And Orton chimes in that he'll do the same to Chris Jericho. And Kane likes the sound of that. Because it'll be "Best for Business."

"THE INSPIRATIONAL" BO DALLAS vs. JUSTIN GABRIEL

Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter have decided to hang out at ringside to scout Bo. So when Bo attempts to preface the match by declaring himself "America's Sweetheart," Zeb offers up a rebuttal on behalf of the Real Americans. If Bo is America's Sweetheart, then Zeb says he's "Ariana Freaking Grande." The way he stumbled over that line suggests Zeb actually has no freaking idea who that is.

Which is exactly as it should be; middle aged men who are too familiar with what tween girls are into are probably not exactly on the up and up.

Meantime, we're ostensibly here to have a match. Just not much of one.

Your Winner: Bo Dallas, via pinfall, in 2 minutes flat. Squash city, baby.

After the Match: Bo trashtalks Swagger, so Swagger charges into the ring. He gets in about two shots on Bo before Bo scurries away. Chickenshits gonna chickenshit.

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PAIGE vs. SUMMER RAE (w/ Layla) (Non-Title)

AJ sits in on commentary. And she's pretty much the star of the match (which is basically another glorified squash), as she shits all over Nikki Bella being involved in the upcoming NoC Women's Title Match, just barely keeping her objections storyline based (but it's not hard to read between the lines to get the "E! Network horseshit has nothing to do with the Women's Title" subtext).

Also, the #2 star of the match was probably Layla, for doing nothing but standing at ringside looking that hot.

Your Winner: Paige, via submission, in 90 seconds. Nothing to see here. Except Layla. And AJ gave us something to hear, I guess. But still: pure squashtasticness.

After the Match: Layla got it in her head to get some revenge for her friend, and was sneaking up on Paige. But AJ jumped into the ring and "saved" her. With Paige looking on in confusion, AJ dropped Layla with the Paige Turner (PAIGE TURNER PAIGE TURNER PAIGE TURNER!!!!). Then she skipped around as Paige started getting vaguely miffed. AJ's right: there is no need for a Bella, here.

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MARK HENRY vs. RUSEV (w/ Lana) ARM WRESTLING CONTEST

So yeah, this is the sort of thing about which OO just can't really muster up a shit. In terms of wrestling storylines, they're usually pretty predictable (and thus, pointless). And seriously: does anyone find arm wrestling even remotely interesting in and of itself? If I wouldn't watch arm wrestling in a billion years, why would I watch two dudes doing fake arm wrestling?

Short version: Lana talks. Henry retorts. Lana dedicates the match to Vladimir Putin. Rusev pulls back claiming he doesn't have a good grip. Rusev gets some powder. Henry beats Rusev easily. Lana demands a rematch. Henry grants it. As soon as they lock up again, Lana throws the powder in Henry's eyes. Rusev beats the crap out of Henry for a bit.

Pretend to care.

Backstage: Renee Young is standing by with Chris Jericho. Despite all outward appearances, the debilitating knee injuries suffered on Monday were NOT a "write-out." In fact, they're barely "nagging," because Jericho's back in action just 4 days later. Renee wants to know what he's got in store for us tonight.

Jericho's promise is that he'll Vanquish the Viper. What happened in the cage match, against Wyatt, Jericho's fine with that; he took his chances, and in the end, it didn't work out, but that was on HIS terms. What Orton did, attacking him backstage, was not, and for that Orton will pay in tonight's main event.

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DOLPH ZIGGLER & R-ZIG vs. MIZ & DAMIEN MIZDOW

Yes, R-Zig. Ziggler comes out on the stage, and announces he's changed his mind. This whole "stunt double" concept is "pretty rad." So for one night only, he's going to team up with his own stunt double: it's R-Truth, decked out in full Ziggler gear.

On their way to the ring, they hand the IC Title back and forth, daring us to tell the difference between them. Now that's some funny shit.

Ziggler starts, and softens up Mizdow. When R-Zig tags in, he imitates Ziggler's mannerism, building up to a hip swivel/elbow drop combo. Yes, funny, indeed.

Miz has finally had enough, and tries to stick his nose into things. Instead, Ziggler hops in, and with R-Zig, they clear the ring with Stereo Clotheslines Over the Top Rope. Then, they celebrate with Stereo Hip Swivels, and we break for...

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Back, and Miz has not only tagged in, but has taken control of the match. He's working over Truth, and along with Sandow, they do your stand cutting-the-ring-in-half act for several minutes.

Finally, Miz gets cocky, and wastes time taunting Ziggler. When he finally turns back around, Truth catches him with a perfect Ziggler-esque Implant DDT.

Hot tag to Dolph, corresponding move to Sandow. Ziggler goes on a tear, getting a near fall after a Fameasser. Miz has to come in to break it up. Quick little Pier Four Brawl, and in the chaos, Truth his a Zig Zag on Sandow behind the ref's back. Ziggler makes the cover, and that's that.

Your Winners: Dolph Ziggler and R-Zig, via pinfall, in about 10 minutes. Just flat out fun, I don't know what else to say but that. If this didn't put a smile on your face, then you have no soul.

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Crap Redux: an entire 6-minute segment is dedicated to recapping Monday's horrible Bella/Springer drama. Welp, that's 6 minutes I can FF and not actually recap. Thanks, WWE.

Backstage: Byron Saxton is set to interview Nikki Bella, but AJ interrupts and re-issues her objections from earlier. Then Paige shows up on the other side, and steals the segment by being all "Oh, hey, uhhhh, you. What's your name? Wait, don't tell me, it's.... uhhh, I'm sure it'll come to me." Then she cuts a promo on AJ which amounts to "I can't wait to put this all behind us so we can be friends again," with the obvious subtext being that she really could care less about being friends. Spot on. Then, she tags it by saying "See you next Sunday. You, too, uhhhh.... Brie? No, wait, Nikki. Yeah, you're Nikki. I think." Then she leaves. I like Paige.

Then AJ leaves, too. Ominously, we zoom in on Nikki, who just smiles and says, "Hmmmmm, I just had an idea." Really: you just realized you have no business in the match, so you're just gonna stand back and let the WRESTLERS do the wrestling at NoC? I'm all for it!

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CHRIS JERICHO & ROMAN REIGNS vs. SETH ROLLINS & RANDY ORTON

Much like the opener, one would assume Jericho (with his knee massively wounded and taped up) would prefer to stay out of the match until needed. And in this case, the match lay-out actually follows the basic pre-existing psychology.

Not only does Reigns start, but after an opening flurry, he also segues directly into being a Face in Peril. Orton and Rollins get the better of him when things spill outside.

With Reigns down, and the heels admiring their handiwork, we break for...

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Back, and Orton's working over Reigns. In defiance of the standard formula, he is NOT working a chinlock, and is instead doing, you know?, actual moves. DYNAMIC~!

A couple minutes of this, and Reigns finally gets separation on Orton, and makes a tag to Jericho. Jericho comes in, and is taking it to Rollins (now legal) for a minute or two... but when he goes for the Lionsault, Orton (who has gotten his wits back about him out on the floor) reaches up and clobbers Jericho in the face.

So now the injured guy is officially our REAL Face in Peril. Rollins and Orton start making the frequent tags, and keep Jericho trapped in enemy territory for several mintues (with Rollins doing about 80% of the work, thankfully; that said, in small spurts, Orton's keeping the pace up and not duplicating his regression to confounding levels of Lethargy back on Monday).

However, it is against Orton that Jericho gets his moment of separation, and makes the hot tag to Reigns. Orton can't make the corresponding tag, and is stuck taking the brunt of Reigns onslaught. Rollins tries to get involved, and just as quickly is dismissed.

Finally, Reigns hits his Running Apron Dropkick Thingie on Orton, then clotheslines Rollins out of the ring. Reigns decides he'd rather get his hands on Rollins, so he tags Jericho back in.

As Reigns brawls into the crowd with Rollins, Jericho tries to take advantage of the prone Orton. But he's still a bit hobbled, and Orton's able to reverse a Walls, kicking Jericho off. Orton immediately attempts to follow up with the Hanging DDT, but Jericho slips out and turns it into a quick Schoolboy Roll-up for the pin.

Your Winners: Chris Jericho and Roman Reigns, via pinfall, in about 15 minutes. Once again, you can't really gush about something as simple and basic as this, but you also can't knock it. Like the opener, it stuck to the formula, but executed it well, and in the process, it pretty much plants the seeds for two Night of Champions matches, with Jericho vs. Orton and Reigns vs. Rollins. Not a damned youtube-able thing about it, and yet, this is what Sustainable Episodic TV is made of.

Jericho celebrates, as Reigns returns to join him,while Orton and Rollins regroup on the stage looking pissed as we fade to black....

And so ends the show. No major complaints from me on this night. It's a show that pretty much cemented the final card for Night of Champions, and matches that were pre-existing got a little extra oomph.

You can pencil in Jericho/Orton and Reigns/Rollins. I think Ziggler/Miz for the IC Title got a real nice showcase tonight (if anything tonight was youtube-able, R-Zig is is!). The Usos first strong showing in a while bolsters their tag title defense against the Dust Brothers. And AJ/Paige came off great tonight, too, ahead of their title match.

Not a fan of Arm Wrestling, nor of the high concentration of recap/filler (that's what DVR and FF buttons are for, though), but none of that dented my overall opinion too severaly.

Sustainable Episodic Television is always the goal, and tonight, SETV is what we got. Wouldn't have minded a bit higher ceiling to the in-ring action (some other than "well executed formula" would have been nice; it's great and all, but when the only three worthwhile matches are all tag matches stuck following the SAME basic formula, that does get a bit old), but oh well.

To my way of thinking, that's worth a final grade of B-minus.

See you Monday Night, kids....

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?

PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!

RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.