You may remember a few years ago, I went in for massive dental surgery, which was my first medical procedure ever (aside from super-basic stuff). It involved all four wisdom teeth, which were all impacted, getting pulled, as well as the back-most molars on the top and bottom on the left side. That's a total of six teeth pulled in one operation. Also, even though I fasted 18 hours (more than the prescribed 12), I threw up Taco Bell all over myself while sedated.

Not to mention the pain. Jesus, the constant pain...

Luckily, I've got an appointment for Monday, so I hope I can squash this bullshit once and for all. It shouldn't affect anything here... and for the three of you who actually read this column regularly. Here's hoping it's a quick and relatively painless operation so I can get on with things.

And speaking of getting on with things, let's get to the recap!

Segment 1: John Cena hits the ring and recaps everything concerning the WWE World Heavyweight Championship for the last, oh, ten months or so. Cena would make a hell of a ring announcer with how succinctly (yet colorfully) he goes over it. His punchline-before-the-punchline is clever: “If you look at the people in [the Money in the Bank Championship match], it sounds like the start of a bad joke. So a Mexican, an Irishman, an uber-European, a Duck Dynasty reject, a prima donna, a security guard, and Dudley Do-Right walk into a ring?” Heh. Cena concludes: “I'll save you the punchline: I'm going line them all up and punch them.” HA HA HA! Beautiful.

Cena assures us that the champ is here, but then Alberto Del Rio hits the ring to offer his view, soon followed by Sheamus. Sheamus in fact voices my discontent by telling ADR that no one wants to hear anything he has to say. He concludes that he's going to exhausted hauling around titles since he's going to be the first US and WWE World Heavyweight Champion ever, fella.

Out then comes Cesaro, though Paul Heyman is with him and does his talking. As he does so, Cesaro gets in the ring with a nice little improv. When ADR came down, he left his silk scarf on the ring ropes. Sheamus ignored it, but Cesaro grabbed it, wadded it up, and flung it in ADR's face. Nice.

Heyman finishes his tirade, and Roman Reigns arrives through the crowd. His promo is short and to the point, as always, but then something... interesting happens. He says that “the only thing that matters... is that,” then purposefully looks up at the titles hanging above the ring. Then he says that “No one in this ring, no matter who you think you are...” and turns to face Cena directly. Cena makes a face, and Reigns finishes that “no matter who think you are, you will not stop me.” He never breaks eye contact with Cena, and the crowd gets very interested. (Or at least the sound sweetening says they do. After that pre-finished SmackDown episode I recapped, I'm starting to distrust my ears.)

Cena is a fighting champion (and fighting non-champion), so he doesn't back down from Reigns, and instead tosses his hat, dog tags, and shirt to ringside. But before anything can happen, Randy Orton pops out and talks shit to Reigns. Reigns isn't having it, and just slides out of the ring. Punches and kicks are exchanged, and the fighting goes to the stage.

Another brawl break out elsewhere, as Cena and Cesaro get into it in the ring. However, as Reigns and Orton battle to the back, Cena flings Cesaro out of the ring, and Heyman keeps his man back to prevent more fisticuffs.

That's how the segment ends, and everyone is a little happier for the right reasons. Solid way to start the show.

Cut Scene: So here's something weird. They've announced that they're going to do a “traditional” (i.e., contract-related) Money in the Bank match on RAW in a week or two.

So... huh. It's a make-good for having to do an emergency reshuffle, I guess? They're giving the match away for free, so that's something. Still kinda weird, and the only person confirmed for the match so far is Seth Rollins, and six more will join him over the coming weeks.

Any thoughts, Rick? I don't know precisely what to make of this.
 
[Ed. Note: you just misheard. They're doing the Briefcase MitB Match at the PPV. They were teasing that RAW will feature the revelation of the other guys in the match, besides Rollins. But the match itself is next Sunday night, and this makes me very happy. A year without a briefcase would be like a year without Christmas. I'm assuming Ambrose is a lock. Then Barrett, Ziggler, and probably RVD, unless tonight sets up Wade vs. Dolph, one on one, for the IC Title at the PPV. But I vote you hold that back. Then you got two spots to play with. Depending on what direction you want to go with all the new guys, you could insert Rusev and/or Dallas and/or Rose, or keep them simmering and use established guys like Swagger/Kane/Kofi.]

Pre-Segment 2: Seth Rollins's has a contoured smooth leather shirt now for his ring entrance. Think George Clooney's Batman, but without the bat-nipples. And no, that's not a compliment.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Seth Rollins extend-squashes Kofi Kingston by pin. Punches are exchanged, and Rollins gets the advantage early. Heel beatdown is on, including chin locks with theatrics to make them look impressive, though mission failed. More punches, then a curb stomp. I'm not sure Kofi got anything that could technically be considered a hope spot.

Post-Segment 2: After the match, Rollins talked some shit to put himself over. Then Dean Ambrose appeared on the Titantron to tell Rollins to be paranoid, since Ambrose is so totally going to get even and kick his ass... it could be any night!

Rollins makes a challenge and says that he'll love to see Ambrose try it after “you get done with your match against The Demon Kane.”

Okay, so: I have to assume that Michael Cole's “Do you want me to keep saying it, because I've said it a shit load of times tonight?” line from the pre-finished SmackDown had to be referring to Kane's stupid “Demon” monicker. If the wrestlers have to use that retarded adjective too, it's gotta be what Cole was pissy about.

Anyway, Ambrose dismisses Rollins's rant, then ends with the punch line that he's totally going to send Kane and Rollins back to where they belong: “In Hell!!!” Ugh.

Pre-Segment 3: Bad News Barrett tries to say that Dolph's chances against him equate to the US team in the World Cup, but the metaphor falls flat (mostly since the US beat Ghana and England lost to Italy), and the fans don't react. They can't all be winners, buddy.

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Dolph Ziggler defeats Bad News Barrett by flash pin. Dolph delivers a few punchy-kicky moves, but whiffs on a running cross body a nanosecond later. He hangs himself on the top rope, Barrett kicks him to ringside, and we go to ads.

Back, and roughneck punchy-kicky-slammy from Barrett to Dolph. Nothing new, but it's entertaining, and that's all that matters. Barrett ups the ante by flinging Dolph into the barricade guarding the impeccable Lilian Garcia, and Dolph oversells it by flying into the timekeeper's area rather than just slamming into it shoulder-first like most wrestlers. Barrett struggles to get him in the ring, tries a pin, but only gets a two.

Barrett from there tries a couple moves, hitting the Winds of Change but whiffing the Bullhammer Elbow. BNB then tries a powerbomb, but up in the powerbomb position, Dolph fights back, then reverses into a victory roll... and gets the three? Huh, okay.

After the match, BNB knocked Dolph out with the Bullhammer Elbow anyway. Boo!

Pre-Segment 4: As Adam Rose hits the ring, they chat about how comedian Kevin Hart is now a rosebud. The thing is, he's not really much of one, since on The Daily Show, Kevin Hart assured Jon Stewart that he in fact danced with Fandango. Hart also said he was a fan, so... no sale.

I'm starting to realize that for a lot of celebrities, they like stating that they're fans of this thing or that thing, when they're really not, just because it's cool or to reach a broader audience or whatever the hell. It would be like me saying that I'm “a fan of NASCAR” if I promote my YouTube channel in the deep south when I can only name Jeff Gordon and Dale Earnheardt Jr. as drivers. Kevin Hart is just another Jeremy Piven and “SummerFest.” Idiots.

Or am I being too much of an elitist wanker? And that's not a rhetorical question: I'm not one of those comic book geeks who, for example, want to do everything in my power to keep out girls and newcomers just for a sense of superiority. I would love for wrestling (or D&D, or videogames, or my YouTube channel) to reach more people and have a larger fanbase that has more in common with me. But if you're going to be a fan of something, you should, you know, actually be a fan and know what you're talking about. I'm a big fan of the New England Revolution, because I like soccer, and I can name most of their current starting eleven. I'm by no means a hardcore fan, but if I was on a show to promote my work, I'd want to research that show so I wouldn't look like a chode.

Don't be a “basic fan,” is I guess my point here.

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: Adam Rose (w/ Rosebuds) reverse-squashes Titus O'Neil by flash pin. Titus beats the shit out of Rose, Rose does a flash pin out of nowhere. Whatever.

Oh wait... Titus grabs a mic and talks shit to Rose, and challenges him to an instant rematch.

Segment 4.1 [Singles Match]: Adam Rose does it again in under four seconds. Because Titus is the new Barry Horowitz of WWE apparently. Yay?

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Kane defeats Dean Ambrose by pin. Seth Rollins was on commentary for this one.

Basic punchy-kicky-slammy roughneck offense from Kane, though Ambrose had several powerful hope spots, including a top rope flying front dropkick. Good times.

Ambrose carried this momentum further, pulling down the top rope to counter a charge and send Kane flying over the east ropes. Ambrose followed up with a suicide dive, bowling Kane over. Then Ambrose “dove over” the commentating table (or more accurately, jumped and intentionally tripped over it) to flatten Rollins.

With Rollins slightly wounded, Ambrose hopped back up on the table and jumped off for a flying something-or-other on Kane, but Kane recovered and blasted him out of the air with a throat chop. Kane flung Ambrose back in the ring, hit a chokeslam, and made the pin as Rollins was still licking his wounds.

For what it's worth, Rollins did a damn good job on commentary, aside from his awkward “The Demon Kane” bullshit, which is obviously not his fault. By the way, Cole frames this as “the third match in a row where Rollins cost Ambrose the match,” which JBL rightfully says was really Ambrose's fault for attacking him for no reason. It's awkward for me to be in a position to be on JBL's side of an argument.

After the match, Rollins tossed the headset, slid in the ring, and blasted Ambrose with a curb stomp.

Pre-Segment 6: Zeb Colter talks some shit before the match. It's not relevant.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Big E reverse-squashes Jack Swagger (w/ Zeb Colter) by pin. Swagger's offense is “intense,” as Cole calls it. Rapid-fire kicks and knees, clotheslines, face grabs, and more. But then Swagger whiffs on a running body splash, and E follows up with a running axe handle and the Big Ending. Pretty sure the match lasted under 45 seconds.

Segment 7: Fandango's match is next, so he tells Layla (off-camera) that she needs to hurry. He starts to walk away from her dressing room, then he runs into Summer Rae. Then stupidity happens as Summer says that Layla totally loves Fandango, but totally not the way Summer loves him the way she always will.

Summer leans in for a kiss, Fandango accepts it, Layla catches them, Summer leaves, Layla hides (and looks like she's going to cry), Fandango sighs, I vomit.

Seriously, they turned Summer from Independent Woman to Love-starved Twit. Unless they retcon that she was doing that on purpose just to be a jerk to Layla, this was a stupid direction to take it. [Ed. Note: for once, I'll have faith that "not stupid" is the direction the Writer Monkeys are going. Summer's just screwing with Fandango and Layla, I think, with the payoff being that Fandango will get all full of himself thinking he's got two hot chicks in his back pocket, only to end up with zero. Something like cockily standing back and watching a Summer vs. Layla "Winner Gets Fandango" Match, where clearly Fandango cannot lose. Except then Summer wins, reveals that she's so over him, and he does lose.]

Segment 8: Hype for the Special Olympics, since WWE is a sponsor. Or is, apparently, a founding partner. Huh, didn't know that. Good for them.

Pre-Segment 9: ...and that's followed up with Bo Dallas's entrance. That is hilarious timing, and I seriously hope it was intentional.

Fandango makes his entrance alone. Sad face. He's lost his dancing hips too.

But once Fandango gets in the ring and readies himself, Summer Rae runs down and dances in the middle of the ring. The bell rings to start the match, and then Layla materializes to beat the shit out of Summer. Fandango tries to separate them and magically pulls them into the ring in the meantime.

Layla winds up slapping Fandango's teeth out his mouth accidentally, then the catfight goes out of the ring. Summer breaks away and bails up the ramp, and Layla is right behind.

Fandango is still wounded from the slap, so Bo goes to check on him... then hits the Bo Dog.

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Bo Dallas squashes Fandango by pin. I suppose I technically recapped this squash, but this one was all about the story. I still think booking Summer that way was stupid, but booking Bo that way was genius.

After the match, Bo tells Fandango not to worry because there are plenty of fish in the sea, and that some day he'll catch the right one. Bo gives Fandango a hug that results in their temples touching, which freaks out Fandango and sends him running. Bo finishes that all Fandango has to do is Bolieve!

Okay, it took a month, but I get Bo Dallas now, and he's growing on me.

Segment 10: Bray Wyatt talks crazy nonsense to-camera. Solid as always as he ensures us that he's going to climb the ladder and take, take, take what is his. Because we've exited the laws of reality, children. Run.

Way ahead of you, buddy.

Segment 11 [Handicap 4-on-3 Tag Match]: 17 minutes to go in the show and we're having the main event already? Holy shit, this is going to need a proper recap.

Sheamus and Cesaro to start with standing grappling. No one gets an advantage, but Cesaro gets in a cheap slap, which leads to him getting the first advantage. When Sheamus recovers, Cesaro runs and tags in Bray by slapping his chest and bailing from the ring. Bray doesn't seem to mind.

Sheamus and Bray, punches are exchanged with Sheamus getting the worst of it. Sheamus gets a bit of a hope, but then Cesaro verbally distracts him, and Bray flattens him with punches and stomps. Cesaro then tags himself in ordering Bray to withdaw. Bickering ensues, but peace is established for now.

Cesaro maintains all offense, but then Sheamus hulks up and exchanges. Sheamus gets the advantage, cuts the ring in half, then tags in Cena. Cena hits his first few moves of doom, so Cesaro tags out to ADR.

Pregnant pause to sell the “big fight feel” as Cena and ADR glare at each other... while Cesaro again circles the ring rather than staying on the apron. I wonder if that means something. Cena manages to fire off a bunch of punches and buries ADR in the faces' corner, then tags in Sheamus, which draws a glare from Reigns.

Sheamus delivers a few strikes but ADR counters and sends him into the heels' corner. ADR tags in Cesaro, who again goes for the heel beatdown. Doesn't last long as Sheamus counters a charge with an Irish Curse Backbreaker, then follows up with the 10 of Clubs. Cesaro falls to the ringside again, and Reigns nods with approval as we go to ads.

Back, and ADR is in control of Sheamus with a chinlock. Sheamus gets a breath with a rolling senton. Both guys tag, and we've got Cena and Orton, a matchup that no one has ever seen before. Cena gets the best of it with a few of his moves of doom, including an abbreviated Five Knuckle Shuffle. Orton escapes the ring before he eats an FU.

Outside the ring, Orton is down, and Cena wants to chase him. The other heels form ranks and stare Cena down, so the faces come to his aid. A bit of a staredown, and then a Pier Six Brawl commences. In the chaos, Orton gets Cena to the east ropes and hits a Hangman's DDT, which makes me think that they did a camera cut in there somewhere, because that was way too quick to physically happen.

Mike Chioda manages to yell his way to restoring order, which is stupid for Orton, since Orton just wanders around and glares at the faces rather than trying to finish off Cena (or at least set up an RKO or something). But Cena is contained, and Orton (not to mention illegal teammates) help cut the ring in half.

Orton tags in Bray from there. Bray does a few basic power moves, including is signature corner-to-corner running hip splash. But when he tries it a second time, Cena counters... though he eats a Rock Bottom (of all things) for his trouble. Obviously it's not a true Rock Bottom, but if you're going to steal a finisher and modify it into an everyday move, you can do worse than the Rock Bottom. Bray tries to pin from there, but fails.

Bray tags out to ADR, who completely fails at everything, then tags Orton back in. Cena charges for his corner to try to get a hot tag but just eats Orton's trademark power slam instead. Pin, but only two.

Cesaro back in from Orton's tag, and Cesaro goes for punchy-punchy offense. Cena gets a breath when he hits a side slam, but Cena and Cesaro both land in opposite corners that would do them any good. Cena charges for his side anyway, but Cesaro catches him, tosses him in the air, hits the midair European Uppercut, then goes for the pin. Only two.

Cesaro takes a while to get organized from there, then just goes for some straight punches. Cesaro tags out to ADR, which seems stupid. ADR gets in a few shots, including his trademark enziguri. ADR wants a top rope something-or-other, and Cena counters with a dropkick in midair. However, Cena is again in the heels' corner, and ADR keeps him contained.

Cesaro then tags back in... and kicks Sheamus in the face (and knocks him off the apron), then talks some shit to Reigns. Cesaro turns around and eats a back body drop. Cena gets on his knees and looks at Reigns, which is enough to get half the arena to their feet. Jesus, I've underestimated how much Reigns is over at this point, even though I feel the same way.

Cena manages his hot tag, and Reigns's entry into the match sets off a shit-ton of high-pitched cheers, which is surprising but not unwelcome. Reigns goes house of fire, flattening ADR (who managed to tag in), Cesaro, and Orton by himself. He then goes out of the ring to take down Bray and follow up with his signature to-apron dropkick on ADR. When Cesaro wants to help out his team, he whiffs on an attack to Reigns and is beheaded by Sheamus.

In the ring, Reigns signals for the Superman Punch, but Orton distracts him just enough. ADR manages to shove Reigns, whose momentum takes him into an elbow thrown by Bray. Reigns takes it, but comes back with a Superman Punch out of nowhere, sending Bray flying off the apron.

Orton wants an RKO, but Reigns blocks. However, ADR is legal and hits a side kick to Reigns's gut. When ADR hits the ropes to follow up, Reigns hits a Spear out of nowhere. Pin, three, done.

Your result: Roman Reigns, John Cena, & Sheamus defeat Alberto Del Rio, Randy Orton, Bray Wyatt, & Cesaro (w/ Paul Heyman) by pin. Fantastic match worth YouTubing, though probably won't stand the test of time as a classic.

Final Thoughts: And so ends the show, as we see the faces basically on the same page, through Michael Cole points out that everyone is against each other at Money in the Bank.

Solid night of storytelling and action, and I really don't have much to add that I haven't talked about already. I already covered my misgivings about the Summer Rae thing, and the undercard is sort of all mish-mashed together due to the MitB thing. No story was added for the “traditional” contract MitB match beyond its announcement, so like I said before, I don't really know what to make of that until we start to know who exactly is involved, and why.

All right. I'm going to shove a back of frozen peas against my jaw and call it a night. Here's hoping by next week, I'll be in a lot less pain.

Episode Grade: B