Hey look, a precap without italics! This is because I'm going to blather about the news that went down this week, specifically WWE's annual “spring cleaning” of firings, since I'm pretending it's 2004 and we still do news articles on Online Onslaught. Granted, you can chime in on the forums, where Rick may or may not have already given his views. But do you know whose views aren't on the OO Forums? Mine, so I'm writing them here instead.

Drew McIntyre: Easily the most surprising person on this list. His gimmick was stale when debuted as “Vince McMahon's chosen one,” whatever the hell that meant, but even then I knew he had a lot of charisma. He wasn't an in-ring miracle worker, but he was very good, probably better than half the roster. When he was attached to 3MB, he absolutely killed the faux Bret Michaels gimmick. 3MB was getting a little bland, sure, but Drew could have easily kept the gimmick while “breaking up with the band” to essentially pull a Sting with the Police, or John Lennon with the Beatles. Hell, give him Aksana as a Yoko Ono and we'd be golden.

Instead, they just fire the dude, even though he's been doing great in his niche even against the stupidest feud possible against El Torito. You would think that, at least, they would give him one more shot before canning him. [Ed. Note: Yeah, there may be some guys I personally enjoyed on this year's list, but Drew's the only one who has everything it takes to go somewhere else and be a huge star. So why wouldn't WWE just decide to make him a star there? And don't say it's because they are, for some unfathomable reason, still holding a grudge because of the little incident with his psycho ex-girlfriend. Because if that's it, WWE's even worse at basic logic and prioritization than I've thought. And I already think pretty poorly of them in this regard.]

Jinder Mahal: Less surprising than Drew McIntyre, but still kind of a raw deal. I think Jinder's problem was that he never had a chance to be his own guy. As a singles wrestler at first, he just played up the whole Eastern Indian gimmick to the point where it wasn't really a character, just a pointless costume and music selection. I was less impressed with him in the ring, but again, he should have had a shot.

Maddeningly, Heath Slater still has a job. Seriously: why? [Ed. Note: he's very well liked, backstage, and he doesn't suck at his job. Sure, almost anyone with an iota of training might be able to do said job, but they might also be horrible human beings, so why make a change?]

Aksana: Speaking of Aksana, she's out too. I sort of get it since, in the entire time I watched her (including NXT), I can count on one hand the number of good matches she had. The divas are all criminally underused, but some still manage to rise above the bullshit when they get five minutes. Aksana never really struck me as capable, and she wasn't a good enough talker to be a valet. Still kinda sucks, but if any diva had to go, she'd be among my first choices. I hate seeing her go out though as she did on Monday, since that was a piss-poor last segment for someone who was going to be tossed.

Theodore Long: I was almost as floored reading his name as I was Drew McIntyre's. After all the stuff Teddy Long has done for decades, starting as a ref and then being the SmackDown GM, I was sure the guy would be bulletproof, at least in an off-camera role. I'm hoping this was a case of him choosing to pursue other things, rather than just getting the axe. [Ed. Note: he wasn't fired so much as his contract came up, and nobody had any real ideas for how to use him on a weekly basis, so they parted ways amicably, with the proverbial open door remaining.]

Evan Bourne: The guy oozes talent, but also bad decisions. Bourne brought this on himself with two rapid-fire Wellness Policy violations. His car wreck injury wasn't his fault, but given how bad it was (especially to his ankle, always death to a high flier), it's not entirely surprising he never made much of a comeback. I won't miss him, though I seriously think his career was wasted more on his stupidity than anything WWE did or didn't do with him. [Ed. Note: yep, and everybody knows there's only room for ONE total moron from St. Louis who already has two strikes against him on the roster. That spot's taken, so back to ROH or whatever for you, junior!]

Brodus Clay: A minor shock, but understandable. Even in NXT, he never got over as a monster heel, and I'm not sure why. He had the size, but maybe he just wasn't menacing enough. Whatever the case, he struck gold as the disco-dancing Funkasaurus against all odds (though Cameron and Naomi helped out with that). Once he turned heel years later, he didn't pick up any steam again. The guy just doesn't seem to go over as a heel. [Ed. Note: best chance for Brodus is to go to Japan, and fill the slot of Evil American Monster. Ever since the days of Brody and Hansen, the Japanese fans haven't been able to get enough of big American men acting vicious. It's the exact career path that Albert/Tensai took, so I'm sure the subject came up between him and Brodus.]

Yoshi Tatsu: Full of talent, but totally underused. Similar to Jinder Mahal, his “gimmick” was just a distilled form of a cultural stereotype, and completely pointless. I'm not crying about it, but I don't think he got much of a chance either. Yoshi's young enough though that maybe he can make another go of it if he takes off somewhere else in the interim.

Camacho: I think I only saw one of his matches. His entire gimmick was just to hang out with Hunico (a.k.a., the current and permanent Sin Cara). No talking, no muscle, nothing. I won't miss him, because the way WWE packaged him, there's nothing to miss. [Ed. Note: the raw tools always seemed to be there, but for some reason, they were intent on making the guy a Mexican, when he's actually Haku's son. And Haku pretty much has the rep of being the toughest son of a bitch on the roster during the 80s and 90s, so why not just say "Hey, here's Haku Jr.?" Baffling that they didn't give that a go before just cutting the guy... but again, it's just a case of what could have been, not a case of having lost something, siince WWE never bothered doing anything with him. Hard to get too worked up.]

JTG: I was very surprised when I heard this, because I didn't realize JTG even still had a job. He was solid in character with Shad of Cryme Tyme, but once they broke the team, both guys fizzled. Shad was cut years ago, and JTG was at best a jobber for the minor shows. I sort of hope Cryme Tyme manages to get back together, whether in WWE or not.

Curt Hawkins: Ditto being surprised he even still had a job. He was persona non grata once Zack Ryder went solo, and only popped up to be a stripper alongside Tyler Reks... two weeks before Reks retired. I don't think I've seen Hawkins in a match for a year or two now. No big loss there. [Ed. Note: This one is actually sneaky-surprising to me... not for Hawkins' value on-screen, but because of how highly regarded he was off it, for his knowledge and generosity with said knowledge. He's helped in training down at the performance center, and even (along with Curtis Axel) helped The Rock knock off the ring rust in private sparring sessions. Perhaps this is just the end of his in-ring career, but he'll segue into a full-time training job? If not, like I said: this is actually a bit of a surprise.]

Marc Harris: A referee, no idea who he is. That's probably a compliment, since the only two refs I know who stand out are Mike Chioda (for his experience and general awesomeness) and John Cone (whose hyperactivity makes me irrationally irritated, though he hasn't been that weird in a year or two). Marc Harris must have done his job right, so it kinda sucks he's gone, but at the same time, I know no one will notice.

And that's the list so far. Here's hoping Rick put some editor's notes in there, or that I at least we were of the same mind. Because I hate sounding like an idiot, especially since I'm late to the party on this announcement.

Anyway, that's out of the way. Let's get to SmackDown proper...

Opening: Whoa, new theme music! Or rather, not “new” per se: they're now using “This Life” by Cody B. Ware as the main theme song, rather than leaving it only for bumpers. Kinda sucks because I think “Born 2 Run” by 7Lions is an all-around better song. Though I confess “This Life” is starting to grow on me.

...Because these are things I notice, that's why.

Segment 1: The Shield hits the ring to talk. Dean Ambrose talks first and makes his usual type of crazy promo to threaten both Triple H and Seth Rollins, which was sweet. Ambrose has a way of cutting a promo that makes my skin crawl. His promo on Monday freaked me the hell out.

Roman Reigns then takes the mic to issue some insults against Randy Orton, including calling him “the ass of the company” again, which goes over just as well as it did on Monday. Reigns tacks on that he's disappointed Orton has the night off, and implies that he and Ambrose may go after the WWE World Heavyweight Championship just to spite Orton. Short and sweet.

And then Triple H pops up on the Titantron to be his sarcastic douchebag self as he says that it's great both members of The Shield want to go for the WWE World Heavyweight Title, but there's only one qualifying spot left on the Money in the Bank card. I figured he'd announce a match to force them to face each other, but nope: he flips a coin and arbitrarily says that Dean Ambrose gets a shot to qualify... and he has to face Bray Wyatt. Huh. Oh, and Reigns and the Wyatt Family will be banned from the ring during that match.

But for now, Ambrose needs to clear out, because he is banned from the ring for the next match, which sees Reigns taking on Wade Barrett. Seems a little random, but whatever.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Roman Reigns defeats Bad News Barrett by disqualification. Standard feeling out back-and-forth to start, with Reigns getting the offense, including a tilt-a-whirl jumping side slam, which seems overdone for an opening salvo, but I'm not complaining. Only got a one-count though. Barrett had a couple moves after that, mostly punchy-kicky, but Reigns wasn't having it and put Barrett down. Reigns put the exclamation mark on things by clotheslining Barrett over the top rope on the south side, and we went to ads.

Back, and Barrett is in control after Reigns whiffs on a running cross body to the corner, essentially jamming the top turnbuckle into his own chest. Barrett goes punchy-kicky, which is relatively uninteresting, but the story is being told well.

Reigns got his hope spot and five moves of doom after powering out of a rest hold. No surprises from there: Superman Punch, then—

Uh, then 3MB arrives? Huh, okay. They beat the shit out of Reigns, and it works, since they have the numbers. And this, apparently, is a “good” send off for two of them? WWE sucks sometimes.

Post-Segment 2: Oh wait, 3MB teases a triple-team move, but Reigns busts out and just beats the hell of all three guys at once. He sends everyone out of the ring. On the east side, Mahal gets flung over the table, Drew McIntyre eats a Spear, and Heath Slater eats a midair Spear as he jumped off the stairs, meaning Slater landed pretty much head-first onto the black mats. Good lord.

D-Mc still should be employed, though. Damnit.

Bumper: It seems “Born 2 Run” is sticking around for some bumpers. Fair enough.

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Erick Rowan (w/ Luke Harper) defeats Jey Uso (w/ Jimmy Uso) by pin. The match opened with Jey throwing Rowan out of the ring and following up with the suicide flying body splash over the rope to ringside. Wow. Rowan takes control afterward though as he flings Jey to the turnbuckle and beheads him with a clothesline. Jey fights back though and maintains offense until Rowan just flings him off the the middle rope, then followed up with a jumping side slam... and that was three? Fucking really?

Short enough to be considered a squash, but still 100% competitive. Weird. Even the crowd was shocked the match ended as it did. The heels glared at the Usos after the match, but nothing happened.

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: Bo Dallas extend-reverse-squashes R-Truth by pin. Decent match, nothing special. Truth basically did all the offense until the end, when he whiffed on his axe kick finisher, allowing Dallas to nail him with a Bo Dog.

Pre-Segment 5: Cesaro and Paul Heyman are in the ring to blather. Cesaro speaks not-English, and then Heyman speaks in English, but it's just generic crap. It's well done crap, of course, but nothing worth repeating. Well, except the end, where Cesaro says his hands are taped because he's here to fight, and not wrestle. He's going to risk a DQ, fines, and suspensions to beat the shit out of Sheamus, as he tries to chase a TKO win. Which, if memory serves, has never happened in WWE.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Cesaro (w/ Paul Heyman) defeats Sheamus by flash pin. Cesaro fulfills his promise by going punchy-kicky from the beginning. Sheamus slightly oversells properly, and so does referee John Cone, who seems particularly ticked off at Cesaro (though, in all reality, it's not all different from a normal match). Cesaro does hit a few “wrestling moves” like side slams, but that's not his primary offense.

Still, it's mostly Sheamus who has the offense and momentum. This includes a clothesline from Sheamus to Cesaro over the top rope. The collision was particularly violent, as both guys went flying out of the ring... and on Sheamus's way down, I think he accidentally kicked Sheamus in the face. Also, Cesaro immediately grabbed his knee. I didn't see any particularly awkward landing, but Sheamus might have landed on him with his other leg. No crossed arms of doom nor single fist of health, but we went to ads.

Back, and Cesaro is on offense. Cesaro seems fine, and he's going punchy-kicky. Michael Cole is really trying to sell us on that this is a fight, but it doesn't ring true.

Cesaro maintained offense for a while, but when he went for a top rope move, Sheamus punched him in the face. Cesaro (properly) oversold it by falling to the apron and to the black mats... but then held the knee (or the calf at least) once again. Referee John Cone checked on him, but still no signals. If it's just a sell job, it's a good one to sell the story of the match.

Cesaro took eight to get back in the ring, and Sheamus beat the piss out of him with about fourteen moves of doom, including the 10 of Clubs and Irish Curse Backbreaker. Sheamus couldn't close the deal, then fell victim to the toss-to-European Uppercut, but Sheamus kicked out of that as well. Impressive move done to a guy that size!

Cesaro went punchy kicky there, including a straight right punch. But it's no WMD, and Sheamus was able to take it and counter with a rolling senton. Sheamus wanted a Brogue Kick, but Heyman distracted him. Sheamus didn't eat Cesaro's cheap shot, but it did disrupt his momentum, and Cesaro was able to hit an inside cradle, the exact move Heyman and Cesaro bitched about at the beginning. Well, except Cesaro had the tights too, just to be a jerk.

Segment 6: Bray Wyatt talks crazy shit to-camera.

Pre-Segment 7: Layla with another fetching red dress. Yummy.

Also, apparently Layla assaulted Summer Rae with a box of kitty litter. That's pretty damn nutty... that's something Alicia Fox should do if she wants to sell being “crazy.”

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Adam Rose (w/ Rose Buds) reverse-squashes Fandango (w/ Layla) by pin. Whatever. Comedy match, it worked out, but it's not exactly going to make highlight reels.

Post-Segment 7: As Adam Rose partied away, a chicken remained at ringside. Gee, I wonder who that is.

The chicken gets in the ring and... yep, it's Summer Rae. And, uh... she's... wearing all black, including black smooth leather pants, and her hair is straight for once. If I was 12 again, that would have made me drop both testicles. Holy crap, I think she just achieved My Status. [Ed. Note: I'm growing fonder of Summer by the week, too, and not just in my pants. Anyone with the WWE Network probably feels the same way, because she is all kinds of crazy knowledgeable about wrestling history, and when she provides soundbites for the various retrospective shows like "Countdown" or the WM History one, she doesn't just know her shit, she even seems to have great taste, too. It's not quite as vital as having great taste in music is, when it comes to spendtimewithability, but a girl who's that well versed in pro wrestling is not unhot. Not unhot at all.]

So she catfights Layla, and it's a bit more violent than such things normally are. The ref and Fandango tried to separate them, but Summer had her legs wrapped around Layla, and both women had double fistfuls of hair... and were actually pulling. There were no fake punches here: it was rough, and they both were probably hurting legit for a bit afterward. Layla was finally pulled out, and Fandango pretty much had to lay on her to keep her from rushing back in. Summer threw an aggressive tantrum, including kicking the shit out of the bottom rope.

Good stuff, I'm liking the story there. I mean, it's a little stereotypical and isn't exactly Shakespeare, but the performance from both women is solid. You're feeling their hate, you know?

Now, here's hoping they can put on a decent match against each other.

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Big E defeats Jack Swagger (w/ Zeb Colter) by pin. Short enough to be a squash but, like the Uso/Harper match, the length didn't matter.

Back-and-forth for a moment with Swagger getting the best of it, flinging E into the corner post, chucking him into the barricade outside, then beheading him with a running clothesline. Good lord, where has this Jack Swagger been for the last few years?

Swagger slipped though when he tried a running splash to the corner, and E countered by back body dropping him out of the ring. Swagger staggered back in, but E hit his five moves of doom from there. He wanted a Big Ending probably, but then Rusev's music fired up.

Rusev didn't appear, but Lana did, and she said something in Russian. It didn't accomplish anything, though it did distract E, who took a clothesline. Then, instead of Swagger actually following up, everyone just sort of laid around so Zeb Colter could be on camera shooing Lana back to the back. Lana humored him at first, but then flashed the same expression as all women do when I ask them out on a date, and she left... which, come to think of it, is also what happens when I ask a woman on a date.

Zeb seemed satisfied, so he returned to ringside. Swagger decided that now that Zeb was paying attention, he could actually wrestle. But too much time passed, E recovered, and when Swagger went for a Swagger corner splash, E caught him and hit the Big Ending. Good night, Gracie.

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Alicia Fox defeats Aksana by pin. This match was pretty decent overall. Both women used Pro Wrestling 101 moves from start to finish, which is not a complained. It was simple, to the point, and well worked, though Fox went a bit too rest-holdy at the end.

After the match, Fox got “bipolar” in her win, which basically means she just did some cartwheels and a lot of smiling. Whatever. And thanks for playing, Aksana.

Segment 10: RAW recap of Seth Rollins's “interview.”

Segment 11 [Singles Match, winner is in the Money in the Bank Championship Match]: Bray Wyatt defeats Dean Ambrose by pin. Very, very good match. Free-per-view worthy, in fact: go watch it on the YouTubes and the Hulus.

Punchy-punchy from both guys to start, with Wyatt getting ahead with a clothesline. Headbutts and other roughneck offense from there, though Ambrose gets a little momentum with a sideways Lou Thesz Press. Kicky-kicky from there, but a massive slap from Wyatt stops that. Ambrose recovers though and goes roughneck right back, including tying Wyatt up on the top rope and hitting him with a front dropkick. Wyatt is sent outside form that, but when Ambrose exits to follow up, Wyatt puts him down by slamming his spine into the apron edge. Ouch. That takes us to our final ads.

Back, and Wyatt is in control with punchy kick, then adds in a hell of an attack as he does an arm wrench by jumping off the apron and taking Ambrose's arm with him. Good lord.

Back in the ring, Wyatt continues the punchy-punchy. Ambrose gets a hope spot with a kick-DDT out of nowhere, another parallel to Jake “The Snake” Roberts. But it doesn't put Wyatt down, and in fact Wyatt fights back and targets Ambroses injured shoulder (injured from the move done to take us to ads). Punch, kick, it's all in the mind and all against Ambrose's shoulder and head.

Then things get stupid as Bray applies a nerve hold, and the crowd fires up a “Let's go Ambrose! Let's go Wyatt!” dueling cheer, which is comprised of the same voices of a “Let's go Cena! Cena sucks!” chorus.

Bray releases the hold to try his trademark running senton, but Ambrose dodges it and goes to the apron. Wyatt tries taking him head-first to the corner, but Ambrose blocks and counters. Both men go to the top rope, and Bray wants a superplex, but Ambrose isn't having it. Wyatt goes flying, and Ambrose follows suit with a flying axe handle. Bray blocks it, punches are exchanged, and Ambrose hits a flying clothesline. Pin, but only two, and we've entered the end-game.

Wyatt and Ambrose punch the hell out of each other, but Wyatt gets the advantage and sends Ambrose to the corner. Wyatt gives a primal scream, then goes to the opposite corner to prepare for his running hip check. However, Ambrose watches the film and knows what's coming, so he just immediately follows Wyatt at speed, so he clotheslines him in the opposite corner. Wyatt bails before anything can happen, but Ambrose follows with a suicide dive through the ropes to flatten him, though that just further damages his shoulder.

Both men up, and Ambrose tosses Wyatt in the ring. Wyatt tries a kick when Ambrose gets back in, but Ambrose covers with a flash pin. Only two though.

Bray kicked in the face and is down, so Ambrose follows up with a flying missile front dropkick. It connects, pin, only two.

Exchange of punches, both guys hit opposite ropes, and Wyatt pretty much runs through Ambrose. Pin, two. Ambrose with a flash roll up from a suplex counter, only two. Ambrose then hits his Dirty Deeds, and Bray seems done.

But then Rollins appears, standing on the commentating table. Ambrose loses the plot and chases. Rollins bails into the ring, and when Ambrose follows like an idiot, Wyatt runs at him and hits a Sister Abigail without the theatrics at running speed. Holy crap, that thing can come out of nowhere. It's enough for the three, and Bray is going to Money in the Bank. Excellent match!

Final Thoughts: An excellent match to close out an above average show. Both matches involving Shield members were very good for different reasons, and were both pretty much worth watching. The undercard wasn't impressive though, but nothing was overly offensive. No complaints.

I'm done for the night, guys. Have a good weekend, and I'll see you next week once again.

Episode Grade: B-