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You Won't Like Big Show When He's Angry
January 26, 2013

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
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It's another one of those stupid weeks where I've way, WAY overextended myself. So I'm going to keep the recap relatively short, and this precap pretty much nonexistent. Hopefully Rick is willing to stand by with a few Ed. Notes for this one. [Ed. Note: Spoiler Alert, it's not happening. Somebody had a birthday this past week and then had to turn around and take care of PWNing Mother's Day, and in between, I sorta gave SD a bit of FF treatment other than the three reallyg ood matches... Ambrose/Sheamus, Rollins/Batista, and the 6-man. No great gems of wisdom occured to me while watching.]



Segment 1 [Singles Match for the United States Championship]: Sheamus defeats Dean Ambrose, and retains. Ambrose had the cheers for basically the whole match... Four months ago, that'd be weird, but it's buyable. Not to say Sheamus got booed or anything, but in this face-versus-face match, Ambrose was the “main” face.


The match was solid, including two Brogue Kicks... Ambrose survived the first one by falling out of the ring after the impact, but it took so much out of him that he wasn't able to get anything else accomplished. Plus at one point, he took the 10 of Clubs and had his shirt lifted in the process, showing the INJURED~! mid-section that couldn't have helped matters.

You may want to YouTube this match. It was really good... but nothing you need to go super out of your way for. And now both Ambrose and Sheamus can move on, since that's the rematch clause.

Pre-Segment 2: Bad News Barrett said that climate change is sweeping through WWE and the whole nation, which means just like Big E, we're all going to be forgotten pieces of history. That, uh, was pretty dark and nonsensical.

Segment 2 [Tag Match]: Cesaro & Bad News Barrett defeat Big E & Rob Van Dam by pin. Early offense by the heels since BNB pretty much sucker-punched RVD outside the ring during the match. The hot tag and ensuing house of fire pretty was much neutered as fast as it got started, and a Neutralizer put an end to it.

Paul Heyman was on commentary and did a solid job in his “advocate” role.

Pre-Segment 3: Lana hits the stage to talk up Vladimir Putin for 60 seconds. No, I'm not kidding... It includes pitching him for the Nobel Peace Prize. Heh. She gets the predictable reaction from the crowd, then introduces Alexander Rusev.

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Alexander Rusev (w/ Lana) squashes Kofi Kingston by submission. Whatever.

Segment 4: The Wyatt Family cuts a to-camera promo that is, as usual, batshit insane. Part of his opening includes that “everything must turn to ash,” and “in order to survive” he “must adapt.” Which is similar language to what Triple H has been blathering about lately, which makes me consider, for a split-second, whether the Wyatt Family would ever team up with Evolution. It would be an unstoppable force, but it would be so ridiculous and have zero predication that I don't actually consider it possible. But if it's not, I wonder why Bray chose that specific phrase... unless it's a red herring, or that the no one on the “Creative” Team bothers to share notes.

Anyway, Bray says that John Cena is right to fear him, but it's not the fear that should bother Cena, but the distance... because the distance that “we” (probably the Wyatts, but possibly including Cena too?) go to is a distance “from which no one comes back.”

Segment 5: Bo Dallas is coming. Get excited.

Segment 6 [Mixed Tag Match]: Layla & Fandango reverse-squash Emma & Santino Marella by flash pin. Whatever, redux.

After the match, Fandango and Layla kissed... by which I mean, they played tounge-volleyballed each other's uvulas. You're welcome for that mental image, everyone!

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Roman Reigns reverse-extend-squashes Mark Henry by pin. So the story of this match is that Reigns and Henry are basically evenly matched, but after the triple powerbomb on Monday (delivered by Evolution), Reigns's ribs are basically flan. Any time Reigns had any sort of offense, Henry countered with body splashes, rib-targeted punches and clotheslines, and so on.

When Henry decided a Vader Bomb was the best way to finish things, Reings caught him climbing up the ropes... and hit a Samoan Drop. Just to clarify, Reigns hit a Samoan Drop on a freaking 400-pound man.

As Henry struggled to his feet, Reigns blasted him with a Spear. Good stuff, especially since he kept selling those ribs after the match. And the match was kept the perfect short length. Wonderful all the way around... well, I guess not workrate, but as a story? Tres magnifique.

Segment 8 [Six-Man Tag Match]: Los Matadores defeat 3MB by pin. Ugh. The finish was El Torito pinning Heath Slater. I think that gives me permission to not even acknowledge this even took place. Why in god's name is WWE running this “rivalry” to the ground?

Segment 9: Montage of the events on RAW relating to Kane and Daniel Bryan.

Segment 10: Mr. T gives us a special Mother's Day message... which is a replay of his Hall of Fame speech, apparently, set to a beat to pretend it's a rap song.

Segment 11 [Singles Match]: Batista defeat Seth Rollins by countout. Once again, the story here is that Rollins is wounded, and though he got some hope spots in, he just couldn't deal with Bats's offense. Rollins did do a little flying, but things went south for him when he tried a top rope axe handle to the outside. Bats countered by just sidestepping and shoving Rollins in midair so he kissed the edge of the commentating table.

Post-Segment 11: After the match, Bats continued beating the shit out of Rollins in the ring, including the Batista Bomb. Rollins sold it like he was dead, which worked for the story of the match. Again, not the best workrate, but good sustainable episodic television storytelling.

Pre-Segment 12: By the time everyone's entrances happened, there were under ten minutes left for the main event. Cena in particular rushed his entrance... timing problems?

Segment 12 [Six-Man Tag Match]: The Wyatt Family defeat the Usos & John Cena by pin. Meh. The match was technically solid, but there wasn't much interplay going on between Cena and Bray to add much to their story. I mean, yeah, there was some, but the story took a backseat to the match, in opposition to everything with The Shield tonight. That's not an automatic problem, but when the match is average at best, it doesn't help.

Really, if there's any “fault” here, it's on Luke Harper, who doesn't exactly have compelling heel offense to make things super-interesting during a heel beatdown sequence. But I'm not enough of a wanker to shit on the match for it... it's just also not awesome.

Final Thoughts: ...And I'm pretty sure that's all I've got in me for tonight since I've got IGN to do. Decent night, sustainable episodic TV for The Shield, nothing special otherwise. Except for “Russian Debra,” whose legs I'm pretty sure go all the way up to her shoulders.

Episode Grade: C


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