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Ambrose Survives, Other Things Happen
May 4, 2014

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
Follow Pyro's Tweets
on Twitter --/-- View Pyro's Videos on Youtube

Two guides due for IGN means I have no time to waste on rambling precaps. That means a pithier recap for you, so everyone wins! Let's roll...

Segment 1: After an lengthier intro than usual, it's the Wyatt Family who hits the ring with their full entrance to kick off the show.

Oh wait, this is a match, not a promo? That doesn't happen very often in the modern era. Maybe it's to make up for the fact that the intro was so long.


Segment 1 for real [Six-Man Tag Match]: The Wyatt Family defeat the Usos & Sheamus by pin. Good match, nothing special.

Standard opening with Jey getting over Luke Harper. The moment Harper started to have some offense, Sheamus tagged himself in, leading to some punchy-punchy exchanges. Sheamus kinda-sorta got the best of it, so Erick Rowan tagged himself in and took all momentum away. As usual, it was pure roughneck, but thanks to quick tags with Harper, it was solid to watch.

But those quick tags also led to Sheamus hitting the Rolling Senton to Harper pretty much nowhere, though he failed the pin. The heels took control form there thanks to another tag to Rowan. The guy may be green, but he works as a heavy as long as he doesn't have to be out there for 15 minutes. Sheamus finally got one over on him by doing a running cross body, sending both Rowan and himself over the top rope. Everyone gathered themselves to take us to ads.

Back, and it's Bray Wyatt in the ring absolutely dominating Sheamus for the heel beatdown sequence. Quick tags, cut the ring in half, you know the drill. Eventual hot tag to Jimmy, who goes house of fire on Harper. Rowan tried to stop the rally, but Jimmy pulled down the top rope... and Rowan basically proceeded to throw himself out of the ring, New Jack-style, because one of them kinda messed up the timing. Ah well.

Jimmy looks like he's got things well in hand, but he whiffs on his signature corkscrew moonsault. Harper countered with a sit down scoop slam that Michael Cole sold as a F5, and Jimmy popped up after a two-count. Pier Six Brawl from there that saw Rowan take a Brogue Kick, Harper take a super kick, but Wyatt hitting a blind tag and hitting the Sister Abigail on Jimmy. That's all she wrote.

Post-Segment 1: The Wyatts took a little extra time getting out of the ring, so Jey thought the best idea was to do a suicide diving body press to take out Rowan and Harper. Wyatt immediately started kicking his ass, the others joined in, and the faces couldn't defend themselves. Jey took the heels' finishers in the ring, and they posed over his body afterward. Follow the buzzards.

Segment 2: Axel Rose is coming next RAW. Hooray. [Ed. Note: Oh dear god, no. Not Axel Rose. I hate that douche! He's such a fucktard of a human being that I didn't even allow myself to own a copy of "Appetite for Destruction" until 10 years after it was released, despite know full well that it rocked. I've applied that same principle to Oasis, among other terrible people who happen to be musically talented.] [Ed. Note to the Ed. Note: Yeah, I know you meant Adam Rose. I suffer from the same "muscle memory" problem. If you never even knew Adam Rose existed until 3 weeks ago, but have spent years aware of Axl Rose, your fingers are just gonna type what they're gonna type. I screw up a lot on names, and also verb tenses and things like that. In other news, OO Nation: you don't know how many times I've accidentally called Zeb Colter "Jeb," and immediately backspaced in fear of what the real Jeb would do to me if that ever saw print.]

Segment 3: Hornswoggle and El Torito get a goddamn contract signing segment? Are you fucking serious? Rick, I love my Online Onslaught job man, but you don't pay me enough for this shit. [Ed. Note: hey, I know the contract signing will suck. But as I've noted about three times by now, I'm sorta kinda sorta looking forward to the actual match, and I don't care how much less you people think of me, as a result!]

You know how I usually shorthand contract signing segments? Yeah, I'm not even going that far with this. Shit happened, everyone talked (including El Torito, which surprised me for some reason), punches were exchanged, the faces came out on top. This did include a crazy table-to-top rope-to-senton move from El Torito, which is freaking impressive.

As usual, it was Drew McIntyre chewing the scenery that was the real stand out here, including when he pulled out Hornswoggle's “list of demands” (that included green-only M&Ms) from his jock strap, which apparently Heath Slater had no problem handling.

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: Rob Van Dam defeats Jack Swagger (w/ Zeb Colter) by pin. Jack Swagger took the offense immediately since RVD was distracted by Paul Heyman and Cesaro as they arrived. RVD's only early offense saw Swagger tumbling out of the ring, whereupon he punched Cesaro in the face with no provocation. RVD was able to use Swagger's hissy fit to hit his trademark apron moonsault, but Swagger answered back with a big boot and took control again.

But then, as Swagger threw RVD in the ring, Cesaro recovered and grabbed Swagger's ankle as Swagger tried to get in the ring. The ref didn't see it, and RVD recovered enough to hit a spinning heel kick. RVD went for the Five Star Frog Splash... and connected? And made the pin? Huh... was the match even two minutes long?

Post-Segment 4: RVD didn't get a chance to celebrate as Cesaro attacked him from behind and hit the Neutralizer. Alrighty then.

Commercial: There's an entire DVD set coming out about the stuff that happens after the cameras stop rolling. Holy shit do I need that DVD set. Also, there's a clip where Cena is buried under all the divas. I don't care what the context for that is, only to point out that we have a new definition for the term “the Pyro's Fantasy.”

Pre-Segment 5: Lana, the scary Russian lady who manages Alexander Rusev, is now “the ravishing Russian.” She has her hair down, and wears the pin-striped suit like... uh... well, like something she wears well. [Ed. Note: "Russian Debra." I forgot I came up with that two weeks ago. But this reminds me.] She's hot, is what I'm saying, and has legs for days. For some reason, she seems less scary to me with her hair down, though.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Alexander Rusev (w/ Lana) squashes R-Truth (w/ Xavier Woods) by disqualification. Rusev beat the shit out of Truth for 30 seconds, so Woods decided to try to get involved for no fucking reason. Rusev was sent packing, even with a Woods-delivered suicide vaulting senton. The crowd didn't seem to care.

Segment 6: John Cena is awesome with Make-A-Wish.

Segment 7: Daniel Bryan hits the ring to talk. Well, less “talk,” more “scream.” In short, he's like all of us: we all want to protect our families. And since Kane put his hands on his family (i.e., Brie Bella), DB is so totally going to kick Kane's ass on Sunday. Though he stretches this into a good four or five minutes.

Kane pops up on the Titantron to offer the counterpoint, which includes an overproduced video package. It works when it's someone like Triple H, but doesn't make much sense coming from Kane.

Pre-Segment 8: Oh for the love of... Damien Sandow is still wearing his Magneto pajamas. Maybe I have no soul, but I didn't find his stupid segment with Hugh Jackman remotely funny. It's not nerd rage or wankery or anything; it was just boring and predictable.

And seriously, how does this improve the match?

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Dolph Ziggler defeats Damien Sandow by pin. The finish included Sandow's cape getting in his face after a whiff moved, and Dolph took advantage with a Zig Zag. I don't know whether that was the planned finish or just a happy accident, but it worked for what it was. The match... ugh...

Well, at least it wasn't the contract signing bullshit.

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Big E defeats Titus O'Neil by disqualification. E with the early offense until the match spilled out of the ring, where Titus threw him over the announcers table and used the furniture to his advantage. Somehow, none of this was illegal, so Titus flung E back in the ring an continued the punchy-punchy offense. Also, the table-related offense knocked out the commentators' equipment for a while, which was surprisingly welcome.

Titus had some pretty impressive offense, including a shoulder-delivered backbreaker. But then Titus stomped the shit out of E while he was leaning on the bottom rope. When the ref went to break them up, Titus didn't care and just shoved the ref away. There's a big no-no.

Post-Segment 9: E tumbled out of the ring while Titus did his barking. So E slid back in the ring and beat the shit out of him, then flung him out of the ring and beat the shit out of him some more. E flung Titus into the steps, then the barricade, then back into where the commentators had been sitting; Cole and JBL had retreated to the opposite side of the west ringside from the timekeeper. E then flung Titus into the ring and “pinned” him with his foot while posing.

Cole and JBL then said how awesome that display was... just as a camera cut showed both guys without their headsets in the very corner, since these are the kinds of things I notice. Plus 100 PyroPoints for damn good audio editing; I wouldn't have realized that they had recorded that bit in post if they hadn't been caught on camera without their headsets.

Segment 10: Montage of the Cena/Wyatt feud. But after the montage, we get a very special addition by Bray, as he talks in his Bray way about how the scary children from Monday “ripped the heart out of” Cena with their creepy singing and sheep masks. Bray assures Cena that when he (Bray) leaves the cage, he's taking the kids with him, and what will that leave Cena? Nothing... And it will “leave Cena a decrepit old man with a decrepit old heart. Follow the buzzards.”

Ugh... shiver. That's probably his best one yet, and it still makes me feel like I need to take a shower.

Segment 11 [Fatal Four-Way Match for the United States Title]: Dean Ambrose defeats Curtis Axel by pin, outlasting Alberto Del Rio and Ryback, and retains. The Shield is banned from ringside for this match.

The heels teamed up on Ambrose to get started, which worked swimmingly. Ambrose of course managed to get a couple hope spots with his signature flailing, but it never worked. Eventually Ryback flung Ambrose out of the ring... which is when Axel tried to flash pin ADR. The heels then tried to flash pin each other, which led to bickering.

Ambrose took that moment to recover and slide in the ring to chop block Ryback, but the heels triple-teamed him again and sent him packing once more. But now everyone is angry, including a minor bicker between Ryback and Axel, thus throwing some dissension in the ranks. Still, they were organized enough that they strategized teaming up against ADR, though we didn't see it as we go to ads.

Back, and... well, I guess that's what was going on, since Rybaxel is beating the hell out of ADR. But ADR fights off Axel first then Ryback second after about five seconds of offense. ADR makes a pin, but Ambrose breaks it up.

The crowd fires up a “Let's go Ambrose!” chant as Axel and ADR exchange. Ambrose breaks up another pin attempt, so then Axel helps his buddy with the attack.

Rapid offense from there as basically everyone tries to pin everyone else, but Ambrose is always there to break it up. He gets a bit of a rally as he goes after ADR, then slaps the teeth out of Ryback. He even takes out ADR for a moment, but Axel gets a breath tries the Perfect Plex. Ambrose fights out though and hits a stiff clothesline. He shoots the half, but Axel is able to kick out.

Exchanges abound as Ambrose brawls with Ryback outside the ring; inside, Axel hits a Perfect Plex on ADR, but only gets a two. ADR fights back and tries a pin, but Axel grabs a rope to save himself. ADR decides to yell at the ref rather than trying to make another pin.

Then comes the “clusterfuck sequence” as ADR goes for a superkick but whiffs, as Ryback arrives and tries to hit ADR with a Meathook Clothesline but blasts Axel instead. ADR counters with the Cross Arm Breaker, but Ryback powers out and converts it to a Shell Shock. But when he goes for the pin, Axel—still feeling salty about eating the Meathook—breaks it up. Then Axel starts to crawl toward ADR to attempt a pin, and Ambrose materializes with a diving neckbreaker into a unique pin that totally works. Awesome finish to a very, very good match.

Post-Segment 11: Ryback immediately sucker-punches Ambrose, soon joined by Axel. But the match is over, so The Shield arrives and destroys Ryback and Axel with a Spear and a suicide diving senton respectively. Plus Reigns nails Axel with a Superman Punch, then follow up by triple powerbombing him. Message received, guys.

Final Thoughts: The main event was absolutely worth checking out on YouTube. Everything else? Well, you know how I say I save my Fs for when an episode seems to go out of my way to annoy me...?

Episode Grade A (main event), F (everything else)


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