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SD!: ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW
Who's Got the Momentum?
February 22, 2014

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
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Due to Rick's health-related stuff, this will be the last recap on Online Onslaught for at least a couple weeks. I'll be moving the recaps over to the OOfficial OO Forums, so sign up and join in the conversation if you haven't already!

 

Well, I should clarify that I won't be writing full recaps for the forums. I did once, and the thing pretty much shattered the forums table if you were viewing it on a wide screen. If I annoy myself with my recaps, I know there's something that needs to be changed. So instead, I'll be writing short-hand recaps until Rick is back in the saddle and updating OO as usual. I'll even write them for RAW, though I'll be limited to the Hulu version, so we'll see how exactly that is going to pan out.

 

Speaking of which, you can send Rick an e-mail to give him some well wishes, but I assure you he won't need them. Not only is Rick one tough bastard as it is, but in the nearly 11 years I've been writing for the website, I still haven't bought him a drink, despite the fact that he lives like 20 miles away from me. I assured him that he needs to be at 100%, because I'm not wasting good whiskey otherwise.

So... bookmark the OO Forums! If nothing else, we won't have an Elimination Chamber recap on the site, since Rick will be getting an early night's sleep and I'm too poor to afford a candy bar, let alone a WWE pay-per-view. Thankfully, that'll change in a few days once WWE Network kicks off.

Okay, enough preamble. WWE should be bringing its best for the last weekly show before a PPV, so let's do it.

Segment 1 [Singles Match]: Daniel Bryan defeats Jack Swagger (w/ The Real Americans) by pin. Too short to be much of anything special, but it was a decent little romp.

Feeling out to start, with DB getting the better of it... so much so that Swagger just bailed after a bit. When DB went to follow though, and tried a running dive from the apron, Swagger caught him and threw him into the barricade, specifically targeting that wrapped (and INJURED~!) shoulder.

Arm-targeted offense from there for about three minutes, until DB hits the running Sagat Flying Tiger Knee. Pin, that fast!

Post-Segment 1: Vickie Guerrero pops out of gorilla flanked by Kane. She pays some insincere compliments to DB, then books him in another match RIGHT NOW against Cesaro.

...Well, “right now” after ads.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Daniel Bryan defeats Cesaro (w/ The Real Americans) by disqualification. Solid match until the finish, and probably worthy of YouTubing.

DB is in immediate trouble as Cesaro does nothing but arm-targeted offense. DB has a few hope spots, including one that results in him hitting a suicide dive through the east ropes despite the shoulder. It took Colter and Swagger distracting DB to give Cesaro the chance to take back momentum, but they were a little too overt: the ref ejected him, and the peasants rejoiced. And then ads.

More ads, more arm-related offense. We also see a “during commercial” where Swagger was so frustrated that he picked a fight with Big E, which resulted in a nice little brawl as Swagger was further ejected from the entire building. Damn.

DB got his rally on and hit Yes Kicks, but took a Giant Swing. Cesaro tried to take momentum and nearly had him, but DB hit another Sagat Flying Tiger Knee out of nowhere. This was after one of Cesaro's signature European Uppercuts, so DB was on dream street. But DB clawed his way to Cesaro, trying to fight off the fatigue and the shoulder pain to make the pin.

And then Kane arrived to chokeslam DB. Lame.

Post-Segment 2: Kane took Lilian Garcia's mic and job, just so he could smirk and almost snicker as he announced that DB “won.” DB properly oversold, staying down for a full minute before struggling to his feet while keeping the injured arm limp. Just as he got to his feet, Cesaro slid in the ring and hit him with the Neutralizer, just to be a jerk.

Segment 3: The adorable Renee Young interviews Christian, who says that none of us should be surprised he's “aggressive” (i.e., a heel), because he told us that he's desperate for that win. He hits some cheap heat as he points out that the Peeps can't give him that “one more match”; he has to earn it himself. And Sheamus, who he faces tonight, will learn about how dangerous he is first-hand.

And then Christian once again teases retirement as he says that he will win Elimination Chamber and he will headline WrestleMania “if it's the last thing I do in the WWE.” Uh oh.

Segment 4: WWE Network hype featuring the Bella Twins dressed as stewardesses. This is surprisingly not nearly as hot as it could be.

Segment 5: RAW recap concerning the shenanigans between the Wyatt Family and The Shield.

Segment 6: ...and after that, the Wyatts hit ringside, where Bray Wyatt cuts a promo from his rocking chair flanked by his “brothers,” with the only light coming from the lantern. Creepy.

Bray talks a bunch of crazy bullshit, creepy in context but nonsensical otherwise. He keeps it real short, which gives it extra punch.

Follow the buzzards... to ads!

Segment 7 [Six-Man Tag Match]: The Wyatt Family defeats Goldust, Cody Rhodes, & Rey Mysterio by pin. Roughneck offense by the heels to take early momentum, and establish heel beatdown. Each face gets a shot at being Face In Peril and an attempted savior with rallies that get snuffed out. Pure formula, which isn't a complaint, but this isn't worth really watching as a result. After all, given Luke Harper's and Eric Rowan's limited move sets, it's not exactly a work rate dream.

Anyway, the last man to go house of fire is Goldust, but Bray tagged himself in through Rowan with Goldy not realizing it. Goldy teased finishing off Rowan, when Bray got in the ring and hit a twirling elbow followed up by the Sister Abigail. Pin, three, done. Pose, and the Wyatts have momentum heading into Sunday.

Segment 8: Byron Saxton interviews Sheamus, who says that accidental Brogue Kick last week to Christian must have “knocked something loose” in Christian's brain, hence the turn. But that's fine, since Sheamus is eager for a fight, and a fired up Christian can only be good for him. And besides, tonight's Brogue Kick will so totally not be an accident.

Segment 9: This is a dance off between Summer Rae and Emma, which you may remember happened last fucking week. Renee Young is the host for this bullshit, and she doesn't seem overly interested, which is good.

Emma's dance, by the way, is pretty much a set of moves stolen from a Kat Williams bit. This is not a compliment.

This goes on entirely too long, Emma wins again, fights break out, the heels look silly, and time is wasted.

Segment 10: Ron Simmons is awesome. It's great that they're celebrating Black History Month and all, but—not to sound too much like I'm on a high horse—his skin tone is irrelevant to me. Simmons is the freaking man, straight up; nothing else matters to me.

Segment 11: Another Alexander Rusev promo.

Pre-Segment 12: Titus O'Neil has new music now that he's on his own. It started off a little similarly to The Real Americans' of all things, but then dropped a beat. Not bad, but not exactly memorable yet.

Segment 12 [Singles Match]: Dolph Ziggler reverse-extend-squashes Titus O'Neil by flash pin. Darren Young was on commentary for the match, and did a good job.

Titus beat the piss out of Dolph, who oversold as he usually does, which worked here since it made Titus look particularly dangerous. And as it seemed Titus would win, Darren stole Titus's whistle from Lilian Garcia. My question: why the blue balls is Titus carrying that damn thing around still?

Regardless, Darren hopped up on the table and blew the whistle, which Titus was stupid enough to pay attention to. Dolph hit a flash pin, and I'm bored.

Look, don't get me wrong, I like Darren and Titus, and I like the idea of their feud. But this? This was stupid.

Pre-Segment 13: Siva Tau! Yay! Even though the Usos seemed to be improperly mic'ed for it!

Segment 13 [Singles Match]: Jimmy Uso (w/ Jey Uso) defeats Road Dogg (w/ Billy Gunn) by pin. Too short to be much of anything, and certainly not worth watching.

Not much feeling out here as Road Dogg takes command early. Jimmy gets a late rally, then never looks back. He didn't get his running hip check that he wanted, but he won after slipping out of RD's finisher (the pumphandle slam) and hitting a superkick counter.

Segment 14: Elimination Chamber hype. Like, the match, not the pay-per-view in general.

Segment 15 [Singles Match]: Sheamus defeats Christian by pin. Solid match, but nothing overly special. Worth a watch if you're a fan of either guy, skip otherwise.

Feeling to start as both guys win exchanges. Christian gets the edge, but when he tries a dive to outside against Sheamus, Sheamus catches him and rams him into the barricade. He poses, and we go to ads.

Back from that, and Sheamus is still in control with power moves and arm locks. Christian powers out of that within a few seconds and tries his signature vault-to-slap, but Sheamus blocks it and pulls Christian to the apron. There, he wanted the 10 of Clubs, but Christian slipped out of that. Outside the ring, Sheamus charged Christian, who back body dropped him over the barricade to Lilian's area. Christian then did an inventive spot: he pulled the padding off the nearest barricade piece, grabbed Sheamus's arm from under the barricade's crossbar, then pulled him several times. It had the net effect of smashing Sheamus's (SURGICALLY REPAIRED~!) shoulder repeatedly into the exposed steel. Nicely done! And somehow legal!

Christian took over from there with a missile dropkick off the second rope. It didn't get a three, but Christian went back to that shoulder with targeted offense. Sheamus managed a rally and the guys exchanged signatures, with Christian hitting the tornado DDT but using Sheamus's arm instead of his head, and Sheamus hitting the 10 of Clubs. From there, Christian wanted another tornado DDT, but Sheamus countered by holding on and hitting two Irish Curse Backbreakers.

Christian survived that and had a reverse rally of his own, even hitting his signature twirling elbow off the top rope. However, when Christian tried to follow up with the Killswitch, Sheamus countered with White Noise and made the pin.

After the match, as the SmackDown copyright bug appeared, Sheamus was celebrating on the middle rope, and Christian knocked him over onto the black mats. And we faded out, so no fucking clue what exactly happened.

Final Thoughts: What a weird way to end it... I wonder if they went too long on the match and didn't have a chance to get the post-match stuff in there.

The night was all right, I guess. DB should win some sort of workhorse award for basically going quadruple duty this week, quintuple if you count the EC this weekend. Crazy.

Other than that note, I really don't have much to say. None of the stories advanced; it was all about who jockeyed for momentum going into Sunday. I'm interested in the PPV and would have bought it if I had the money, so WWE already sold me on it. SmackDown did nothing to intrigue me further; it really felt more like a waste of time than anything else. Still, it wasn't a bad episode; just nothing noteworthy to talk about.

Before I close out the recap, I'm going to do a little self-advertising here. IGN Entertainment gave me a strategy guide assignment, specifically for Castlevania: Lords of Shadow 2. I'll be streaming the game and commentating about it live on Twitch, on Tuesday, February 25, starting at 2pm Eastern, and I'll be streaming most if not all of the day. I'd love for you to join me for that. I know, I know: most of you guys aren't gamers, and that's cool. But if you can support me, just show up, watch the game for a few minutes, and bolster my view count. It'll make IGN like me more, and possibly I can make it a regular thing.

Either way, remember to sign up for the forums, as I'll be handling the official discussion threads and putting bare-bones recaps there for both RAW and SmackDown in the coming weeks. The “main page” of OO may lie a little dormant for a while, but I think I can speak for Rick when I say that the best is yet to come, especially since WrestleMania is right around the corner!

Have a good weekend, folks.

Episode Grade: C

 
E-MAIL PYROFALKON


  
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