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Wrestling, Wrestling, and More Wrestling II: Electric Boogaloo
February 15, 2014

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
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Happy belated Valentine's Day, everyone! I spent the day breaking up with my long-time lover... caffeine.
Oh, don't worry, we always come back to each other. But this week I decided that it would be in our best interest to split apart for a while. Caffeine didn't take it well, constantly calling out to me in the form of Mountain Dew and Pepsi commercials. I didn't take it well either, by which I mean I had a headache so terrible that bashing in my fucking skull with a concrete block would have probably felt better. We had a long talk and decided to see other people, but we should still see each other on the side, a can here or an Excedrin there, until we're used to the split.

Hopefully I can keep the breakup going for a month or so and pretend to get my weight under control. Though I know once WrestleMania rolls around and I'll need extra energy (particularly so I can write my annual and awesome WrestleMania preview column for Online Onslaught), I'm sure she'll jump back into my mouth and bloodstream without a single complaint. The slut.

For now, let's get to SmackDown, which I'm enjoying with my new love, a can of caffeine-free grape soda.

Segment 1 [Six-Man Tag Match]: The Shield defeats Christian, Daniel Bryan, & Sheamus by pin. Standard rapid back-and-forth exchanges to open, with the faces getting ahead as we go to ads. Back from that and DB is getting his ass handed to him for about a nanosecond before tagging to Sheamus. Sheamus pretends to go house of fire, but it's false hope, and he's shortly contained and becomes the face in peril.

Christian gets the hot tag and goes true house of fire, putting down Ambrose with his signature tornado DDT. Rollins and Reigns make the save, but DB takes them both down and does stereo Yes Kicks. Cute spot where DB sends Reigns flying and follows up with the Flying Goat, but then DB himself is taken down by Rollins doing a suicide dive of his own.

In the ring, Christian hit a reverse DDT but only got a two-count on the pin attempt. Then Rollins tried to get involved again, but Sheamus Brogue Kicked his face off. Ambrose forearmed Sheamus to the back, but Christian set up Ambrose for the Killswitch. Ambrose slipped out and, in the ensuing tussle, Sheamus tried to Brogue Kick Ambrose but nailed Christian instead. As Sheamus chastised himself, Reigns cut him in half with a Spear. Ambrose covered Christian, and he couldn't answer.

Solid match, good teamwork by The Shield (which is the story), and the faces don't lose anything from the loss.

Segment 2: Vickie Guerrero is in the back, and Zeb Colter comes in. Zeb gives her some candy for Valentine's Day. Since Vickie knows this bullshit is just a bribe, she asks what Zeb wants. Zeb fesses up that his ulterior motive is Jack Swagger. See, Antonio Cesaro is in the Elimination Chamber itself, but Swagger doesn't even have a match on the titular pay-per-view! Surely Vickie could do something about that, even though Swagger is on a losing streak.

Well, Vickie does. She books a four-way match between Swagger, Rey Mysterio, Mark Henry, and Kofi Kingston. Whoever wins gets a shot at Big E. Langston at Elimination Chamber for his Intercontinental Championship. She concludes by shoving Zeb's chocolates back into his chest. He sneers, and the crowd cheers, which rhymes.

Segment 3: Byron Saxton, last seen by me being a competitor on NXT, is here to interview Antonio Cesaro. Cesaro puts himself over and promises to so totally beat Randy Orton tonight.

Segment 4: Cole announces that the entirety of the Hall of Fame can be seen on the WWE Network this year. And speaking of the HOF, the third inductee this year is Lita, who totally deserves it, and can probably still bang if WWE called her. Though, she'd be entirely out of place on this roster, since she's actually ring capable.

Segment 5 [Fatal Four-Way Match, winner is #1 contender to the Intercontinental Title]: Jack Swagger defeats Kofi Kingston by submission, outlasting Rey Mysterio and Mark Henry. Henry cleans house to start, then Kofi and Rey toss him for the moment. Kofi and Rey smile at each other, then trade exchanges. Swagger and Henry try to get involved, but Rey and Kofi continue to basically rid the others so they can beat the crap out of themselves. Then Henry teases that he's going to do a suicide dive, which for him just might be literal, but Swagger puts a stop that with a low knee block.

Rapid exchanges from there with everyone getting over someone, but no one able to close the deal. After Swagger beheads Rey with a clothesline, things settle down momentarily. Rey eventually fights him off, then it's the Kofi/Rey show again until Rey eliminates himself. Kofi and Swagger then pair up as Kofi kicks his ass, but can't close the deal.

More rapid exchanges between everyone until Swagger applies the Patriot Lock to Henry. Henry manages to power out, but the damage is done. Henry staggers over to the ropes, and Rey hits a 619 out of nowhere to Henry's gut (which I don't recall ever being a thing), followed up by Kofi hitting the Trouble in Paradise to Henry.

With Henry powdered out, after an exchange, Kofi tries a German Suplex on Rey, but Rey resists. Swagger then comes up behind Kofi and does a German Suplex on both of them, which is pretty crazy. Swagger dumps Kofi, but Rey puts Swagger in the 619, but when Rey tries it, Kofi hits a Trouble in Paradise out of freaking nowhere to Rey in mid-run.

Kofi tries the pin on Rey, but Henry pulls Rey out of the ring. Kofi does a baseball slide to Henry, sending him into the announcers' table. Kofi then skins the cat, but in midair, Swagger runs over and slaps on the Patriot Lock. Technically Kofi is holding the ropes here and should get a rope break, but the referee is too busy thinking of his hot date and doesn't give a shit. Swagger pulls Kofi away from the ropes in any event, and Kofi is able to roll through. Kofi tries another Trouble in Paradise, but Swagger grabs that leg in midair and reapplies the hold. Kofi can't escape twice, so he taps out.

Excellent match, and worthy of finding on YouTube. I love it when the undercard delivers!

Segment 6: RAW recap of all things Betty White, including what didn't make the initial Hulu cut. Pretend you care!

Segment 7: Bad News Barrett is here with a more custom drop sheet than just a generic black one. His thesis is that women are going to eat their Valentine's Day chocolates and become fat. Pretend you still care!

Segment 8 [Eight-Man Tag Match]: The Usos, Goldust, & Cody Rhodes defeat the New Age Outlaws, Ryback, & Curtis Axel by pin. The match opens with Goldust and Cody taking it turns to dominate the New Age Outlaws. Once Cody tags out to the Usos, and Road Dogg tags out to Axel, the tide turns and the heels take control. Ryback continues the momentum, to the ad break.

Back from that, and the heels are still in control, this time leaving it up to the NAO. Billy Gunn can't handle Jey Uso, so it's a hot tag to Jimmy and a house of fire. A clusterfuck ensues that is capped off with Jimmy hitting a top rope splash to Road Dogg, and Jey hitting a suicide splash hitting everyone else. Damn.

Very good match, almost as good as the fatal four-way. You might want to YouTube the whole show!

Segment 9: Renee Young interviews Randy Orton, which immediately disproves my own theory. Orton sucks up to The Authority and concedes that all these matches are so totally for his own good.

Segment 10: Another vignette of Alexander Rusev.

Segment 11 [Singles Match]: Darren Young defeats Damien Sandow by flash pin. Young had early offense but talked too much shit to Titus O'Neil, who was doing commentary for this match. This gave Sandow a chance to take advantage, hitting a Russian leg sweep into the barricade outside the ring to take momentum. The fight went back into the ring, but Young hit a flash pin and took the win.

Post-Segment 11: After the match, O'Neil slid in the ring and attacked Young from behind. But Young held his own and managed to fight back, even ripping off Titus's left pant leg. Young wrapped it around his neck like a Hulk Hogan boa as Titus bitched and moaned, and backed away so we couldn't see his undies, or something.

Segment 12: WWE Network hype.

Segment 13 [Singles Match]: The Miz defeats Fandango (w/ Summer Rae) by pin. I have to confess, I couldn't give less of a shit about this match if I had eaten nothing but cheese for the last three weeks. And with Summer Rae wearing earth tones, I had even less to care about than usual.

It only got remotely interesting when Santino Marella and Emma showed up. Emma mimicked Santino's “power walk” to the ring, which is infinitely more hot when the power walker has boobs. Even better, Emma and Summer got in each other's faces, slaps and throws were exchanged, and Summer was left on her butt.

Fandango saw this go down, so he went toward that side of the ring to break it up. He took Santino's Cobra for his trouble, which the ref didn't see. Miz followed up with the Skull Crushing Finale, and that was it.

Segment 14: In another nod to Black History Month, we get a video montage of Houston Harris, a.k.a. Bobo Brazil, whoever that is. Good montage, as was the one last week, but I'm not familiar with the name, myself.

Pre-Segment 15: According to the name plate and Lilian Garcia, apparently Antonio Cesaro is now just “Cesaro.” One name, no more “Antonio.” Fair enough; not sure when they went to that, but the change is duly noted.

Segment 15 [Singles Match]: Cesaro (w/ Zeb Colter) defeats Randy Orton by pin. Feeling out to start with Cesaro generally getting the advantage with pure power. Orton took advantage with a few moves just before the commercial break.

Once we're back, it's all Orton with power and roughneck moves, including a side slam to the barricade and using the steps and table as necessary. Back in the ring, after a failed pin, he went to his old standby of chinlocks. Cesaro did get a breath by countering another barricade-related move, and he slipped out of the Hangman's DDT too. Cesaro was able to hit his Giant Swing, which Orton oversold in a good way.

Cesaro wanted to hit the Neutralizer to follow up, but Orton back body dropped him. Cesaro landed on his feet but ate a clothesline, and Orton took over again, this time properly hitting the Hangman's DDT.

Orton pointed at the WrestleMania sign, then started his ring humps. Cesaro countered the RKO attempt with a European Uppercut, but he couldn't close the deal. Orton wanted the superplex from there, but Cesaro fought him off and tried a Sunset Flip. Orton technically held on, but Cesaro gave him an extra yank and turned it into a powerbomb. Cesaro quickly followed up with the Neutralizer, then made the pin... and won! Whoa! Good match, definitely worth watching.

Final Thoughts: Solid night of wrestling action, if not much in the way of story. But if you like the work rate, there isn't much to complain about here. Note I said “not much”; the Miz/Fandango match wasn't fun to experience, but the match itself was ancillary to getting Emma out there for some screen time. So... whatever? I guess? I'm not sold on her, but that's only because I've seen exactly zero of her matches. Time will tell.

That's it for me for the night. Enjoy your weekend, and I'll be back next week for the last SmackDown before Elimination Chamber.

Episode Grade: B-


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
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RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
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PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
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PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
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SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
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RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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