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Stuff Actually Happens!
February 2, 2014

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
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When I was in my mid-20s, I first heard the theory that time gets warped as you get older because you have experienced it longer than as a child. For a five-year-old, a year seems like forever since it represents 20% of his life; as a 25-year-old, a year seems like barely anything since it represents 4% of his life.

When I first heard the theory, it made sense. As I'm getting older (now 31), I'm thinking it's more than a theory. 2013 flew by for me, and the first month of 2014 is already gone without me comprehending it. I suppose this is good news, since this means Watch Dogs (i.e., the only reason I bought a PS4) is closer to publication, but man... sometimes, I just want to stop and smell the roses, you know? Well, I suppose I can't do that either, since we've got this wonderfully awful weather that's piling up snow everywhere.

Ah well. I know that SmackDown is tonight, the Super Bowl is tomorrow, and I'm tired now. Let's get this going so I can go to bed...

Segment 1: The Shield hits the ring to start the show, and they're there to talk. Dean Ambrose speaks first as he usually does, bitching and moaning that The Shield didn't win the six-man tag match didn't go their way on Monday. Ambrose points out that if The Shield had won, and if they had been in the Elimination Match at the titular pay-per-view, one them would have become the champion. Ambrose further posits that Roman Reigns must “think” that he specifically would have won the championship. Reigns says no; that he knows he would have won the championship.

This draws massive cheers. Whenever The Shield splits apart, I think we all know who will be the one turning face.

This leads to Ambrose and Reigns bickering, which further leads to them getting in each other's face. Seth Rollins is there to break them apart and try to keep them focused, since he reminds them it's all the Wyatt Family's fault that The Shield didn't win on Monday. (Literally the reason, since the faces won by DQ.)

Rollins continues to try to play peacemaker by talking about their strengths as a unit. He opens that little monologue with one of the most ridiculous sentences ever if we pull back the curtain, as he insists that Ambrose is the “greatest United States Champion” ever, and that everyone else “is too scared to challenge you for it”; we all know that the real reason is because the bookers pretty much don't give a shit, and half the time we probably forget that Ambrose is carrying the belt anyway.

Rollins continues his pep talk by telling Reigns that Reigns has been super-awesome from the first day, and is so strong that he was able to break out of John Cena's signature STF on Monday just before the Wyatts interfered. Rollins knows Reigns would have finished the job, that they were simply this close to winning, but it was all the Wyatts' fault.

Rollins's speech is enough to get Ambrose back on track. He says that if the Wyatts want a “new world,” he'll give them one “by wiping the Wyatt Family off the face of the Earth,” which makes no sense, but whatever.

Then Vickie Guerrero appears. She says that a Wyatt vs. Shield match is something no one would ever have thought of or done, so she's going to make history! So tonight, she's--

Uh, she's interrupted by Triple H. Vickie looks scared, gingerly hands the mic to Trips, then runs away. Trips hits the ring and empathizes with The Shield's arguments, but he says that there's nothing to be gained from that match. He “encourages” them to just let it go. Seth wants to argue, but Trips tells him firmly that it's not a “request” to let it go.

Ambrose and Rollins throw silent temper tantrums, but Rollins gets in Trips's face. He says, bluntly, that they will not seek Trips's permission. Ambrose and Rollins firm up a bit, but behind Reigns.

Trips shrugs and says fine: if the match can't be stopped, then he may as well profit from it. So The Shield will face The Wyatt Family at Elimination Chamber. He closes that he hopes The Shield knows what its doing. He leaves, The Shield collectively smiles and is pumped up, and they do the little Shield Salute pose as we kick it to the next segment.

I have to admit, just that match makes me want to see the pay-per-view. I won't have the money unless something really awesome happens in the next couple weeks, but that match alone does intrigue me. I'm already sold.

Segment 2 [Singles Match, winner is added to the Elimination Chamber match]: Antonio Cesaro (w/ Zeb Colter) defeats Dolph Ziggler by pin. Decent match, nothing special. They sort of went against formula by not having a real hope spot toward the end, but that's not a complaint, just an observation.

Chain wrestling to start, with about 400 pin attempts in the first 60 seconds, concluding with a Famous-Er out of nowhere by Zigs. Cesaro kicked out at two and bailed from the ring catch his breath, but Zigs chased him and threw him back in. After an Irish Whip reverse, Dolph tried a running cross body on Cesaro, but Cesaro caught him in midair and turned it into a backbreaker. Pin attempt, only a two, but now we're settled down.

Heel beatdown segment from there, punchy-kicky-slammy moves, all good stuff. Dolph had only a couple hope spots, including reversing the toss-and-European Uppercut into a DDT. From there, Dolph tried a Zig Zag as both men got to their feet, but Cesaro blocked it. Cesaro then quickly did a a Giant Swing (only about six revolutions), followed by the Neutralizer. Pin, three, done.

I was initially surprised by this outcome, but thinking about, we already have four guys in the Chamber, and three of them are faces; a heel was needed.

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Fandango (w/ Summer Rae) defeats Xavier Woods (w/ the Funkadactyls) by pin. Feeling-out to start with each guy winning one exchange and losing another. Woods takes control for a moment before getting a bulldog attempt reversed into a reverse suplex, and Fandango takes control from there with heel beatdown. A couple minor roughneck moves transitioned to a rest hold, this match being only 40 seconds old.

After another exchange, Woods tried the same bulldog attempt, and Fanny started to reverse it again. However, Woods Hulked up in midair, then came forward with a reverse sunset flip... except, he didn't quite get all of it, so Fandango just faceplanted the canvas at full torque. Jesus... I had to rewind to make sure it wasn't a botch, and the spot certainly looked like it was clean (that is, both guys were in full control of their bodies for the whole thing), but the impact looked a little nasty. If that's exactly how it was supposed to go down, props to Fandango for being goddamn awesome at selling.

Woods gains control from there with punchy-kicky for his comeback. The crowd didn't really care, but they popped when Woods sent Fandango flying to west ringside and following up with a vaulting senton press. This infuriated Summer Rae to the point that she ran over to Emma from NXT, who was hanging out in the front row with another of her “#EMMAnation” signs, and broke her said sign. Emma pouted for a moment before pulling up another sign that read “#EMMAlution” from nowhere. Heh, cute.

Meanwhile, the match continued inside the ring. Woods went to the top rope for something, but Fandango caught him and turned it into a high-angle sit-down suplex, which looked nasty. Woods agreed and stayed down. Above-average match overall, but nothing that you need to YouTube.

Post-Segment 3: R-Truth had been on commentary for that match, where he did a pretty solid job. He was disappointed that Woods lost, but was going to accept the result. However, Fandango decided that he wanted to try suplexing Woods again for no reason, and Truth wasn't having that. He quickly slid in the ring to make the save, sending Fandango packing with a suplex-to-jawbreaker.

Truth and the Funkadactyls helped Woods recover, and they all danced together as if they had won. Hooray, losing!

Segment 4 [Tag Match]: Curtis Axel & Ryback defeat the Prime Time Players by pin. Feeling-out and technical exchanges to start, with the heels presently taking control over Darren Young. Quick tags led to a Meathook Clothesline by Ryback, followed by a neckbreaker by Curtis Axel. Pin... and done? Huh, okay.

Wait, did I just recap a squash? Damnit!

Post-Segment 4: So, the sub-story here is that Titus O'Neil never got in the ring. Alone, I wouldn't think much of it (“just another tag squash!”), but they kept focusing the camera on Titus's disappointed face. Hm.

After replays, Titus entered the ring to bitch out Young, who was barely sitting up. Another camera angle showed that Young's mouth was awfully bloody, and the only face-targeted move was the Meathook Clothesline, so Ryback must have done that stiff as hell, which nobody is surprised about. Regardless, Titus angrily said some shit, then started to leave stage left.

Young quickly crawled stage right to call for a mic, and he asked Titus what Titus was doing exactly. They're teammates! They're brothers! He can't just leave! (And the monologue proves that as much charisma as Young has, he's not exactly the best voice actor. I'm not saying I'm better or anything, just that it's a little obvious Young is delivering lines here, rather than having a conversation.)

Titus snatches the mic out of his hand. They ain't family, man! They're losers now! And Titus is here to be a champion in WWE! Young senses that maybe they should, you know, have this conversation in the back (even though he's the one who grabbed the mic in the first place), but Titus isn't having that. He says a line so stupid that I'm not going type it, thus concluding that Titus isn't having Young as a partner anymore.

Titus starts to leave, Darren begs him (off-microphone) to reconsider, Titus big boots him. Ladies and gentlemen, a heel turn!

Titus flings Young out of the ring, then grabs him by the head and slams him twice into the barricade. Young sells it as if he's been totally knocked out, and Titus slaps his unconscious form a couple times as he walks away to boos.

Meh, this is probably a net positive. The Prime Time Players weren't going anywhere, and both guys probably do have solid singles potential. I'm on board.

Segment 5: Replay of the Jake “The Snake” Roberts montage to hype his upcoming Hall of Fame induction.

Segment 6: Alexander Rusev, a call-up from NXT who debuted at Royal Rumble, cuts a to-camera monologue as he promises that he's coming “now,” which probably means within a week or two. He has a scary blond lady there too to help sell him. I dunno who she is, so... whatever. I'm intrigued to see them though.

Pre-Segment 7: Welcome back, Christian!

Segment 7 [Singles Match, winner is added to the Elimination Chamber match]: Christian defeats Jack Swagger by pin. After a short exchange to open the match, Swagger picks up Christian in a military press, then flings him over and past the southwest ring post, sending him crashing into the black mats some nine feet below. Jesus... welcome back to WWE, Christian. Hope your body enjoyed being not-injured for fifteen seconds!

Swagger follows him out as Christian tries to recover against the barricade. Swagger charges with a knee to his sternum, then throws him in the ring. Pin attempt, only two.

Swagger with control with a rear bear hug, which actually means something for once given the first few moves. Christian breaks out after a few seconds, but then gets thrown chest-first into the corner. Again, this means more since the opening moves were chest- and sternum-targeted, which is great.

Swagger is able to deliver his corner splash, goes for a pin, only a two. Then Swagger stands on Christian in the corner while saluting, thus causing damage and being a jerk at the same time. From there, it's knees and kicks to the ribs, then Swagger puts him on the top rope. Christian fights him off and hits a tornado DDT, pin attempt, only two.

Christian takes over with a few punches, slaps Swagger in the 619 position, guillotines the back of his head on the top rope, hits a top rope dropkick, then goes for another pin. Only a two.

Christian signals for the Killswitch, but Swagger stops cold with a Swagger Bomb. Christian kicks out at two.

Swagger bitches out the referee; Christian spends that time rolling toward the corner. Swagger finishes his temper tantrum, then tries his corner splashes again. This time, Christian rolls out of the way, then springs to his feet and hops up on the corner. He hits a flying sunset flip, but only get a two.

Both men up, Christian ducks a punch and wants the Killswitch. Swagger slips out, shoves Christian into the ropes, then does a flapjack on the rebound. Swagger holds onto the ankle as well, turning it into the Patriot Lock. Christian can't get the ropes, but he does twist himself to turn it into a modified schoolboy pin. Kick-out at two.

Christian retreats to the corner; Swagger charges, but Christian slips out between the ropes. The guys fight on the top rope for a moment, Swagger is shoved off. Christian flies off with a frog splash, makes the pin, and earns the three!

Excellent match, and certainly worthy of YouTubing. My only gripe was the very last spot: since the whole story in the match was that Christian's ribs were targeted from start to finish, I figure he should have sold the impact of the splash at the end. Maybe one of those spots where he would impact, then bounce off, then sell, then do a crawl (or at least some sort of delay) before the pin attempt. Instead, Christian hit the splash like it was no big deal, which seems like a weird juxtaposition with the way the match started.

Regardless, that's a nitpick. Both guys did a fantastic job, and the crowd was into every second of it, since the match didn't drag on long enough to justify an actual rest hold (and the guys didn't do one anyway). This one will be hard-pressed to be beaten for Match of the Night, and you should go out of your way to check it out.

Also, Zeb Colter was on commentary, where he did a decent job. No complaints against him.

And speaking of Zeb, he joined Swagger in the ring as Christian celebrated, gave props to the Peeps, then left while saluting. Nothing happened here between them, other than Zeb barking at him (off-microphone) and throwing his jacket onto the canvas in anger. The rift between them is widening.

Segment 8: After ads, Renee Young finds a sweaty Christian in the back and asks him about his feelings on earning the final spot in the Elimination Chamber. Christian says that Renee chose the right word there: earned. He's totally earned his spot, just as he's always earned everything in his entire career.

He concedes that there will be five other really good superstars in the Chamber with him, but the thing is, all this time off due to injuries has given him time to think. He concedes that the remaining window of opportunity he has for “one more match” is very, very short given the “number of miles he put on his body.”

Christian wants the WWE World Heavyweight Championship and to headline WrestleMania, and he confesses he is desperate to win it. But he only hopes that his opponents mistake that desperation for weakness; whereas he is using that desperation “to be the most dangerous Christian the world has ever seen.” There are several religious jokes in there that I'm going to avoid making.

Good promo: does what it needs to do, hypes his return, and reminds us that his time with WWE (and wrestling in general) isn't much longer. If I had my way, I'd give him his shot, especially since I've been on the record forever as saying that he still should have been given the call over Edge god knows how many years ago. But I know WWE, and Christian has zero chance of winning that match.

But I can dream (and fantasy book), can't I?

Pre-Segment 9: As they hype Kofi's absurd Royal Rumble elimination save, they also talk about how Sandow is becoming disillusioned due to his losing streak, including his quick elimination from the Rumble. He promises that he's going to start his comback.

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Kofi Kingston defeats Damien Sandow by pin. Sandow with dominating offense, punchy-kicky-slammy offense. Kofi has a few kick-related answers, but Sandow doesn't lose the pressure as he applies an abdominal stretch about a minute into the match. Kofi reverses it after a few seconds, kicks are exchanged, and Kofi starts his rally. Kofi's rally is cut short though when he whiffs on a cross body from a corner rebound.

Sandow tries to take advantage but can't close the deal. Both guys get to their feet, and Kofi whiffs a Trouble in Paradise, instead kicking the top rope and crashing to the canvas. Sandow quickly takes advantage there and goes for the You're Welcome, but Kofi slips out and hits the SOS. Pin, three, done.

Decent match, but way too short to be anything worth going out of your way for. However, Sandow continues to look disappointed in himself, which makes for a nice little subplot.

Segment 10: RAW recap regarding Brock Lesnar.

Segment 11 [Tag Match]: Cody Rhodes (w/ Goldust) defeats Road Dogg (w/ Bad Ass Billy Gunn) by pin. Cody tried to open the match with some technical work, but RD put a stop to that with some chickenshit heelery. After the first exchange, both guys decided to bail and get some instructions from their cornermen, which was weird.

Back in the ring, another exchange, RD took control by targeting Cody's wrapped elbow. Punches to the arm, arm twists, arm drags, arm bars, you get the idea. Cody had a hope rally after a couple minutes, mostly kicky-kicky, including a springboard missile dropkick. A few shenanigans outside the ring led Cody to lose the plot and not take advantage, and he almost ate a flash pin from RD, but managed to kick out. However, RD whiffed an attempted punch to follow up, and Cody responded with a Disaster Kick. Pin, three, done.

Post-Segment 11: Cody had about four seconds to celebrate before Billy slid in and forearmed him from behind. Goldust was there to make the save and clotheslined Billy, then chased him outside the ring and punched the crap out of him. Goldust then threw Billy into the ring just to throw him back out. The NAO managed to get a little distance, then bailed rather than trying to fight back.

Segment 12: Hype for the WWE Network.

Segment 13: The Shield is in the ring, have made their entrance during Segment 12. They're waiting for their opponents for tonight's main event, but before that happens, the Wyatt Family appears on the Titantron. Bray Wyatt is there to talk shit to The Shield, assuring them that he loves games, and “war” is his favorite. It pretty much puts him to orgasm as he visualizes “The Shield waving the white flag.”

Luke Harper then speaks, which is a surprise. His blathering is short and even more nonsensical, but he builds on Bray's battlefield hyperbole, stating that The Shield “picked a beautiful hill on which to die,” a rather blunt phrase that I'm surprised WWE green-lit in the Modern Era. Bray then concludes with this rather haunting sentence: “Be careful allying the devil with your backyard... he may just like it... and decide to stay.” Creepy laugh, then he and Harper exit stage right.

Then Eric Rowan leans his sheep mask-covered head into the frame, speaks the single word of “Run,” then we get the single-frame sheep mask and fade.

Holy crap, that was creepy as shit. The Wyatts continue to prove that they're the best thing WWE has going on right now.

We get a quick shot of the ring, where Ambrose looks concerned , Reigns looks irritated, and Rollins looks... like he's being tickled. I'm starting to wonder if Rollins (the character) has any idea what's going on half the time.

Segment 14 [Six-Man Tag Match]: The Shield defeats Rey Mysterio, Daniel Bryan, & Sheamus by pin. Very, very good match that did exactly what it needed to do. You might want to check this one out on YouTube as well.

Sheamus starts with Rollins. Sheamus goes for power and dominates the first exchange, so Rollins tags out to Reigns, which is instantly interesting. Even offense as they grapple, and it's Reigns who wins the first exchange. Reigns even turns around to rather bluntly say to him, “See? That's what happens.” I think, in my mind, Reigns is hereby a face, and he's never going to be a heel, sort of how I felt for MVP. Yay, Reigns!

My admiration can't retroactively sustain his momentum though, so it's Sheamus who takes over with some power offense, including a stiff clothesline. But then Reigns shoves him to the heels' corner, and tags out to Ambrose. They isolate him in the very corner and shit-kick him, but then Ambrose stands him up in the center of the ring like an idiot. Sheamus takes over with a forward suplex to drape Ambrose on the top rope, then follows up with a running knee. Ambrose lands on the apron, letting Sheamus hit his 10 of Clubs. Then, just for good measure, he knocks Rollins and Reigns off the apron too. Perfect time for ads!

We're back, and Daniel Bryan has Rollins in control, specifically in a surfboard. A quick tag to Rey then who delivers a rebound kick to the seated Rollins, then a failed pin.

Both guys continue to exchange, and Rey manages to set up Rollins for a 619, but he does it near the heels' corner, so Rollins reaches over to tag Ambrose. Rey hits the opposite ropes and doesn't see the tag, but he reacts quickly enough to dodge Ambrose's attack. However, Rey can't maintain momentum, and Ambrose tags out to Reigns. That's not favorable for the faces.

Reigns takes control and lawn darts Rey out of the ring. Sheamus runs over to check on him, but relents to the ref's orders to return to his corner. As Sheamus does so, Reigns shouts something to the effect of, “That's right boy, just get back there!,” which is yet another tiny detail that I love so much when professional wrestling actually functions as it should.

Reigns fully exits the ring to continue the attack on Rey, flinging him into the barricade, then appealing to the crowd. Reigns flings Rey back in the ring and tries a pin, which fails at one. Then Reigns tags out to Rollins, and they cut the ring in half. Rest holds, mostly neck or chin locks, but the crowd is into it and it doesn't last long. I don't mind rest holds as long as the break isn't intolerably long.

Rey starts to slip out when Rollins puts him in the corner. After a tease, Rollins starts to step back toward the center of the ring with Rey on his shoulders. They tease an electric chair, but Rey does this insanely fast thing where he jumps up from Rollins's shoulders (using only his hamstrings), spins in midair, lands back on Rollins's shoulders but facing the other way, then continues momentum to hit a huracanrana, which sends Rollins face-first into the turnbuckle. Holy crap, I think Rey broke the very concept of air resistance.

Double hot tag to DB and Reigns, which makes the crowd lose their shit for the rest of the match. (Like, seriously, they don't soften their cheering or reactions until after the match is over from this point forward.) DB goes house of fire, hits his moves of doom, back flip counter from the corner, Yes! Kicks, suicide dive (which I think should be officially called the Flying Goat) to Reigns and Ambrose in opposite corners of ringside. Rollins comes in to try to slow DB down, so Sheamus evens the odds by entering illegally and hitting the Irish Curse Backbreaker. Reigns recovers by then and enters the ring to hit the Superman Punch, which Sheamus (properly) oversells. But then DB hits a missile dropkick to Reigns off the top rope. Pin, but only two.

But DB isn't having that, so he slaps on the Yes Lock. Ambrose makes the save, but Sheamus pulls him out of the ring. Ambrose shoves Sheamus into the ring post; Sheamus slightly oversells this since he's selling that injured shoulder, the whole reason he's been out of action for a while. But Sheamus doesn't let the pain stop him, so he just answers with a Brogue Kick.

Back in the ring, DB is down for some reason (still selling Ambrose's interference to the Yes Lock?), so he rolls over to his corner and tags in Rey. Rey goes to the top rope and hits a seated senton to Reigns, then sets him up for the 619. Rollins interferes with Rey's run from the apron, but Rey kicks him off. DB follows up with a Sagat Flying Tiger Knee from the apron, putting Rollins down.

But the distraction was enough for Reigns to recover. He catches Rey's run and wants a powerbomb, but Rey slips out and sets Reigns up again. Rey hits the opposite ropes, but Reigns still recovers, turning around and cutting Rey in half with a Spear. Good lord, that came out of nowhere. No one to make the save there, and the heels take the win.

Reigns doesn't even look happy he won; he's just pissed off on principle. When DB goes into the ring to check on Rey, Reigns bails, and The Shield gather outside the ring to bask in their win.

Final Thoughts: This was a very wrestling-heavy night, and I'm not complaining. Every important story advanced, we saw a heel turn (and the accompanying birth of a new feud), had a reason to care about Elimination Chamber's undercard, furthered momentum for the guys who needed it, and no one lost any momentum even included losses. The Fandango/Woods match was the weakest point of the night, but even that wasn't offensive in the slightest. For Sustainable Episodic TV, you absolutely can't really do better than tonight without stunt booking or other bullshit.

In vacuum, this was an excellent episode of SmackDown. Out of a vacuum, this feels like a make-good on Royal Rumble and RAW. This is the first time I've felt the butterflies since we're on the Road to WrestleMania, and I have at least some hope for the Elimination Chamber... not to mention long-term hope for Roman Reigns, who is showing signs of possibly being a franchise player. I'm anxious to see the dude break away from The Shield and see how he does on his own; now isn't the time for that particular trigger to be pulled, but that doesn't make me any less curious to see how it would play out.

This recap wound up being one of my longest since I started All You Need To Know around here at OO (even though Rick and I stopped calling it that like three years ago). I blame WWE for being awesome for a week. Can they maintain this momentum to next week?

Probably not!

Episode Grade: A-


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RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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