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Out-Wyatting the Wyatts
November 16, 2013

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
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For the second week in a row, I feel like crap as I sit down to do the recap. This time, it was sort of accidentally self-inflicted. Fun fact: did you know that Mucinex (that medicine that's supposed to help congestion) has a “very rare” side effect of making someone nauseous? I guess I'm just lucky!

Ugh. It would be one thing if I Mucinex inflicted the side effect on me but actually cleared my congestion. Instead, it did nothing except for the nausea, which means I could have just drank some spoiled milk to have the exact same experience and it wouldn't have cost me twenty bucks. The worst part is that it's lasted all day... I took the pills at 10am when I got to work, and now it's 8:30pm and I'm still feeling it.

It's weird because very few medicines ever inflict side effects on me. If anything, a given medicine usually does its main job (and only its main job) but to insane levels. A full dose of NyQuil will obliterate my colds, but it also leaves me unconscious for 10 hours. I tend to use half-doses of NyQuil as a sleep aid. Even harder pain killers, like what I had to take after my dental surgery three years ago, didn't leave me too abnormally drowsy, and I more or less functioned pain-free.

But Mucinex, man... screw that noise. I've taken it a few times, and each time I've felt nauseous. I thought it was just coincidence, but it's happened every time, and it's never worked as advertised. I know different medicines work on different people, but I still haven't found the right one to clear my congestion, especially when I'm suffering allergies. Claritin has zero effect, Allegra barely works, Zyrtec does sometimes if the stars align the right way and the Norse gods decide to participate, and Benadryl works for about thirty minutes at most before becoming irrelevant. At this point, my most consistent method of clearing my sinuses is swallowing several raw jalapeno slices, which is great until I forget to put the jar back in the fridge and they become rotten... and not a great method when trying to go out on a date or be sociable with customers at work.

Luckily, the negative effects of Mucinex are abating a bit, and the rest of the pills are buried in the bottom of my trash can along with my hopes and dreams of a functional respitory system. Hopefully I can maintain my brain power for the next two hours as we see how WWE leads us into next Sunday's Survivor Series. Let's roll...

Opening: After Alberto Del Rio destroyed John Cena's arm on Monday, apparently he (ADR) challenged him to an arm wrestling contest. Oh joy, it's going to be one of those main events.

Pre-Segment 1: Siva Tau... always fun, but it seemed the stage wasn't mic'ed up all that well, and the Usos seemed pretty quiet. Ah well, I'm still happy.

Segment 1 [Tag Match]: The Wyatt Family (w/ Bray Wyatt) defeat the Usos by pin. Decent match, nothing special. As Rick pointed out, Luke Harper is doing better, Eric Rowan... eh, not so much. Definitely passable though, and the Usos did a good job carrying them. No real complains, since no one is expecting these guys to be the second coming of Bret Hart or anything.

Post-Segment 1: After the match, Bray grabbed a mic and headed into the ring. Before he could say anything though, Jimmy kicked him the gut. That just made the whole family go apeshit on the Usos, culminating in Bray hitting the Sister Abigail, which the Hulu subtitles called the “Spencer Abigail,” which must be infinitely more frightening.

Bray gets a mic and talks some nonsense, then addresses CM Punk and Daniel Bryan (who aren't there of course), just telling them “to run.” Even the Wyatts are fearing their own power, or something?

Segment 2: RAW recap of Paul Heyman's monologue against Ryback. Smash-cut to the back, where Ryback bitches out Curtis Axel for not only being a “Paul Heyman guy,” but also for what Paul said directly (as if it's somehow Axel's fault). Axel defends himself and declares he is no longer a Paul Heyman guy, and I fail to see the logic behind that declaration unless we're buying that Axel simply got sick of Paul's shit. Regardless, they apparently can't trust each other, even though they're supposedly a tag team tonight.

Segment 3: R-Truth is in the back and rapping for no apparent reason, other than the entertainment of the Prime Time Players. They rap and sing (or rather, in Darren Young's case, he merely “sings”), then do the Millions of Dollars dance while Truth looks like he's losing his goddamn mind. In other words, and awesome cut scene.

Segment 4: William Regal and Khali want to sell us shit on WWE Shop.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Natalya defeats Tamina (w/ AJ) by submission. Offensively short match, it did what it needed to do by story, but didn't last more than sixty seconds. Natalya with early offense, Tamina with a counter, Natalya with a rally, AJ with a distraction, Tamina accidentally hit AJ, Natalya slapped on the Sharpshooter out of nowhere, tap out.

The storyline advancement was great: Natalya looks strong, and it's the first step to AJ and Tamina having friction. But goddamn, we couldn't have gotten there after a full six- to ten-minute match? Really? Fuck you, WWE bookers.

Segment 6: RAW recap of Big Show's antics. Smash-cut to Brad Maddox and Vickie Guerrero are watching the show on a monitor from the back, then start talking amongst themselves. Brad thinks it was a bad idea for Vickie to book the handicap match against Orton on Monday (which resulted in Big Show beating the shit out of Orton), and wonders how Triple H and Stephanie McMahon will react. Vickie counters that she technically had no power on RAW, yet she booked the handicap match anyway, and neither Brad nor Kane overrode her decision on Monday. Ergo, it's really Brad and Kane who are going to have to answer to the power couple. Brad says nothing more, but he looks pretty worried, evidently because he bent to the logic of her argument.

Segment 7 [Six-Man Tag Match]: R-Truth & The Prime Time Players extend-squashes 3MB by pin. So, this happened. And Heath Slater used a chinlock in a squash. Good for him.

Segment 8: Hooray, it's time for the arm wrestling challenge! And if you didn't think I'd shorthand it, you haven't been reading my recaps for very long. Hi, I'm Pyro, and I hate this kind of stupid bullshit!

Cole in the ring, RAW recap of ADR's attack on Cena, ADR hits the ring and talks some shit, Cena hits the ring (to 80% boos) and talks some shit (including one hell of an improv aside to a dude in the audience dressed as Superman), Cena accepts the challenge and turns his hat backwards like Ash Ketchum, a joke that will guarantee me zero sex for the next two years.

Cena and ADR get into position for the arm wrestling, Cena insta-wins, Cena's music plays, ADR wants a rematch, Cena accepts, Cena insta-wins again but allows ADR to punch him in the face. ADR kicks Cena's bad arm, then kicks him in the face, then readies a chair to Pillmanize it. Cena fights out of that but winds up eating a spinebuster through the table, ADR walks away... without attacking the arm even though he totally has all the time in the world to do it to a defenseless Cena. Lame.

So... okay, it adds to the feud, but who cares?

Cut Scene: The Bellas are WALKING~! And Nikki, uh, looks even more enhanced than she normally does. Did she get a second boob job, or was that just some clothing technology magic?

Pre-Segment 9: During the Funkadactyls' entrance, we get a clip of something that happened on That Reality Show, apparently featuring that Cameron is a total psychotic bitch when it comes to road rage. Assuming, of course, that bullshit wasn't staged, like 99% of reality TV is. Also, why the fuck did I waste words describing it?

Segment 9 [Tag Match]: The Funkadactyls defeat the Bella Twins by pin. Well, I asked for a longer diva match... be careful what I wish for, eh? All four divas have proven themselves before, but this match was all kinds of disjointed and weirdly timed. Zero help from the audience as well. It all added up to a bad night at the office, I suppose.

Cameron had about one offensive move before Nikki started kicking her ass. Cameron tried a sunset flip, but Nikki caught her and turned it into a stiff Alabama Slam. Good stuff. Nikki continued by scooping up Cameron, then doing two squats before actually hitting the slam, which the crowd respond to with pure apathy. That kinda sucks... Cameron is probably as light as a feather, but it's not like Nikki has Cena's muscles, you know? She should have gotten some pop for that.

Anyway, Cameron tagged out at that point, leading to Naomi and Cameron hitting double missile dropkicks on Nikki with probably the worst double team timing I've ever seen, followed by twin axe kick leg drops that were timed right. But Nikki took momentum back, then tagged in Brie. Brie “fired up,” which made no sense in the context of the wrestling match's story, but whatever... it worked, and Naomi was nearly taken down after a middle rope dropkick.

Naomi got her rally at that point, countering an attempted atomic drop into a backflip, then hitting the ropes. Brie caught her and tried a back suplex, but Naomi countered that too into essentially a Stone Cold Stunner (except I guess you would use its generic “rear jawbreaker” name) with a leg split for theatrics. Still only got a two count... it seemed that Cameron was supposed to break that one up, since Nikki jumped in the ring to “stop” Cameron, but Cameron barely got off the apron, and the ref just sort of “gave up” the count after one even though Brie was still technically pinning Naomi. Weird.

Nikki and Cameron powdered out. Brie and Naomi exchanged one (1) punch, then Brie hit the ropes for apparently a clothesline, but ate Naomi's ass instead with the Rear View. Pin, three, done.

After the match, the Funkadactyls got their usual disco lights, but before they danced or anything, Naomi kinda-sorta helped Brie up off the canvas, as did the ref. The girls said something to each other, Brie did a sisterly pat to Naomi's arm, and only then did Naomi turn around and start doing her post-dance with Cameron. Was there something to that? Like they're trying to blur the alignment lines (which would make sense since WWE wouldn't want any of them to be pure “heel” with the stupid reality show going)? Or maybe the Rear View hit a little too hard and Brie was legitimately shook up? The commentators didn't mention it, so it was probably nothing, but... still... curiosity and all that.

Segment 10: The always-gorgeous Renee Young is here to interview CM Punk and Daniel Bryan. Renee intentionally asks three easy yes/no questions so we can hear Punk and DB simultaneously answer “Yes,” thus showing their unity with DB's catchphrase. DB “accidentally on purpose” names their team “The Beard & The Best,” which Punk likes. Punk then chats that the Wyatts are dangerous but mainly because most people don't know much about them, only that Bray is leading this cult of theirs. Punk says he and Bryan are focus on going through the Harper and Rowan so they can “cut the head off the snake.” But, first things first, they'll defeat Paul Heyman's (former?) guys in our next match.

Segment 11: Buy WWE's videogame! (To be fair, it looks awesome, and I totally will once I get some more disposable cash.)

Segment 12 [1-on-2 Handicap Tornado Match]: Khali squashes Hunico & Camacho by pin. Whatever. Glad to see Hunico and Camacho back, but... why like this? And where have they been?

Segment 13 [Tag Match]: CM Punk & Daniel Bryan and Curtis Axel & Ryback wrestle to a no contest. Standard match, really nothing to talk about. It was well-wrestled, but nothing that's worth recapping, or anything else noteworthy.

The finale of the match saw DB getting the hot tag, but as he had the win in his hands, we had the single frame of the goat mask, and the lights went out. When they came back on, Harper and Rowan were in the ring (with Bray outside), but no Punk or DB. The four heels just sort of stared at each other, until Ryback shoved Axel into the Wyatts. Even though Axel begged off saying he was so totally framed, the Wyatts didn't care, and they beat the shit out of both of them. They “overpowered Ryback” as Cole pointed out, thus proving their sheer power.

Ryback and Axel were tossed out of the ring, and Bray exited the ring to kick them a bit. The other two faced Bray, which is when Punk and DB emerged from under the ring to the Wyatts' rear. Harper and Rowan were easily dominated and taken down, and Bray wanted no part of an unfair fight against him. Punk and DB tactically retreated while taunting, and the Wyatts through a hissy fit.

Final Thoughts: Decent night overall, I guess, though it felt like all the matches were phoned in. It was above-average for one of WWE's overseas shows, but below-average for one of their normal shows, so... I don't know. “Meh,” I guess. Not really going out of your way for, but not offensive either.

I got my PlayStation 4 yesterday, and Assassin's Creed is calling. Hopefully the Mucinex is out of my system, else I'll get seasick while sailing along and murdering people, thus making it the most immersive game ever, and necessitating a new controller already when I vomit all over this one. Blech.

Episode Grade: C


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