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SD!: ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW
Rhodesses Running Roughshod
October 12, 2013

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
Follow Pyro's Tweets
on Twitter --/-- View Pyro's Videos on Youtube

 

What the hell, Rosa? [Ed. Note: Told you so.]  Look, all us sane men with taste agree that you're the hottest thing in WWE right now, including Kane's pyros, and there's basically no possible way for you to be unattractive. We all know it, and you know it too. That's why you have the confidence of a hit man during your entrance, since you know how to get the job done and look damn good while doing it.
 

Not everyone who dyes their hair blonde looks bad, case in point Breanne Benson. (Note to everyone: for the love of god, don't Google that name.) But seriously, for the love of all that is holy, why in Gorilla Monsoon's name did you think this was a good look...?


Ah well. You're still My Rosa Mendes, for now and forever, until those restraining orders kick in, or Melina gets hired back.

In other news to you, dear readers, I got Pokémon Y today, because nothing says I'm a sex- or date-worthy mature man than pretending I'm a ten-year-old boy as I lead around a sentient set of infant's jingle keys as they attack werewolves and bags of garbage. I've been jonesing for the game for a while, and as a result, I'm probably going to pay about 20% less attention to SmackDown than I really should. So let's get this going so I can catch more Pokémon...

Segment 1: After an overly long opening concerning Big Show's shenanigans, Lilian Garcia introduces Vickie Guerrero. As she walks down the ramp, we get another video montage of her shenanigans with Alberto Del Rio on RAW. So, it's been six minutes, and we've already had two video packages. Ugh... it's going to be one of those episodes.

(Aside: was it just me, or did they “sweeten the sound” during the second video montage, where she announced that John Cena was coming back at the next PPV? I swear there weren't that many cheers on Monday.)

Vickie is then in the ring and blathers about Big Show, which is crazy given that he's fired and all. So after Show punched Trips in the face on Monday, apparently Trips (the legally dubious owner of his house) stuck a “For Sale” sign in the front yard. Why, exactly, would we need to know this (in-universe)? Seems like a matter of over-sharing to me.

Vickie wants to wrap up at that point, but then ADR hits the ring just to beg off a match against Cena. Vickie rejects that, since facing Cena would be “best for business.” ADR then tries sucking up to her and flirting (in Spanish). So Vickie says she totally wants to be more convinced that ADR was being truthful last week when he called her sexy, so she wants a kiss on the lips.

ADR does so in the quickest peck ever, as if he was pecking his grandmother. Vickie wants more action than that though, which she punctuates by doing a chest shake (with accompanying boob jumping) that would make her late husband proud. ADR isn't so sure, but steels himself and smooches her with a deep dip too. It's enough that she even does the Leg Raise of Womanly Excitement.

But it's still not enough for WWE's resident cougar, so she demands tongue. ADR gives her a look of doom, so she laughs and says she was so totally kidding. But maybe he can kiss her someplace else... then points at her ass. And in an adorable moment, she wiggles her ass while still displaying an angry face, which is a visual you'd have to see to appreciate. Her point, of course, is that she's not going to reconsider ADR's bullshit, and his match against Cena is still on.

And then Damien Sandow hits the ring. He declares ADR is a phony because he (ADR) so totally is just treating Vickie as a sex object. But Sandow thinks Vickie is beautiful too, since she's totally smart and manipulative. Sandow knows that ADR is just begging off the match because he'll totally lose. Sandow thinks ADR would also beg off a match against him, including a MITB cash-in, since Sandow is so totally the better man.

Well all this competition is making Vickie switch into a muted fan girl, and she wants to know who would win in a match between the two... so that's our main event tonight. Of note, Sandow was getting about 60/10/30 cheers-boos-apathy, which is rather startling since he's an effective heel. Apparently, the fans hate ADR that much, which is a compliment to him.

Anyway, Vickie says “good luck to both of you!,” but gives ADR an evil look. She leaves, and then ADR bops him with the mic (to boos). Sandow manages to recover and manages a few shots of his own (to apathy, or possibly confusion). I guess Sandow is a tweener now? Or is flirting with it?

Pre-Segment 2: I always get a kick out of JBL singing “What's up?” along with R-Truth during his entrance. I don't know why.

Segment 2 [Singles Match for the Intercontinental Title]: Curtis Axel (w/ Paul Heyman) defeats R-Truth by pin, and retains. Surprisingly above-average match. It was dry for the first half, but the end game was pretty decent.

A late spot entertained me... Truth was in the corner, and Axel was trying offense, but Truth was countering. He started off a mini-rally by just doing a picture-perfect pimp slap, which was hilarious and looked painful just because of the way Axel slightly oversold it. It made me smile, and I do not apologize.

That mini-rally led to Truth hitting his spinny axe kick, and he made the cover. He would have gotten three, but Axel grabbed the bottom rope at the last instant. Truth was confused, thinking he won at first, and that delay gave Axel enough time to catch his breath. He guillotined Truth on the top rope (which Truth oversold), then nailed him with his rough neckbreaker.

Segment 3 [Tag Match]: Los Matadores (w/ Midget Bull) extend-squash Some Lucha Guys by pin. Was that Heath Slater and Jinder Mahal under the masks pretending to be Luchas? I can't remember what Slater's tats look like. [Ed. Note: Ricardo Rodriguez and Tyson Kidd were the Los Locales.]

Pretty decent match, given that it was an extended squash. Good teamwork from Los Matadores of course, and they continue building momentum, but methinks they need stronger competition soon.

Segment 4: RAW recap of Shawn Michaels being the guest ref for the main event of Hell in a Cell.

Segment 5: WWE was a children's hospital, and they want you to know.

Segment 6 [Six-Diva Tag Match]: Funkadactyls & Brie Bella (w/ Nikki Bella) defeat Kaitlyn, Natalya, & Eva Marie (w/ Jo Jo) by pin. Okay, what the hell? This was like hitting the “Random” button six times in a WWE videogame. Do we even give the slightest shits about character alignments anymore?

Match started with some not unimpressive chain wrestling between Brie and Natalya, showing me that Brie isn't just a pretty face. But things got a little less interesting from there, as Kaitlyn was tagged in but became the... uh... diva in peril. But then she hit a Spear on Naomi, which kicked off the “extended clusterfuck” sequence, where basically the girls did their finishers (or something) to each other. This ended with Naomi hitting the rear view on Kaitlyn, then pinning her by basically folding Kaitlyn in half and sitting on her ankles and shoulders simultaneously.

So, plus ten for WWE for putting a divas match on SmackDown and making it last more than thirty seconds, but minus several million for making the match confusing at best and annoying as hell at worst. When I mentioned that I wanted WWE to give the women matches more than once a month, this wasn't exactly what I had in mind. After the match, the... winners did the Funkadactyl dance in the ring. Brie was really into it, and Nikki started molesting Naomi. Happiness.

So, what, are the Bellas both faces by proxy now? Lame.

Segment 7: Renee Young interviews Cody Rhodes and Goldust, the latter of whom is pretty damn touchy, first curling a stray lock out of Renee's face to behind her ear, to then start massaging his brother's shoulder. Creepy, even without the pink receivers' gloves and Darth Maul face paint.

Anyway, they blather to put themselves over and hype their tag team match tonight, but there wasn't much else of substance.

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Alberto Del Rio defeats Damien Sandow by submission. Whoops, guess it wasn't the main event after all. Solid match, but probably not YouTube-worthy. The fans weren't quite sure what to do with Sandow at first, but halfway through, he turned himself face (or at least de facto face), so the match's alignment was straight. I'm not exactly one to completely care about alignment, but when the alignment feels wrong, the fans aren't into it, and the lack of atmosphere can impact a viewer's enjoyment.

But that didn't happen here, although I'd argue the match wasn't exactly exciting. Pure formula (which is also not a complaint), well worked from bell to bell, but no surprises and no high spots.

The ending sequence was a little weird, as ADR was out on the apron, and Sandow went full heel mode by trying to grab him anyway from within the ropes. Except, he really wanted to get his hands on ADR, to the point where he was pretty much trying to shove the ref out of the way to get to him. The ref tried to get between them, and ADR kicked Sandow's exposed (and INJURED~!) knee between the ref's legs. ADR slid in and quickly applied the Cross Arm Breaker. Sandow resisted, but tapped after about thirty seconds.

Segment 9: RAW recap of Big Show's shenanigans, again, because even though we already saw it at the beginning, we need to know about it again.

Segment 10: John Cena was on Good Morning America to talk about boobs and cancer. Also, Cena was out in 55-degree weather in his cargo shorts. More of a man then I'll ever be for damn sure.

Segment 11 [Six-Man Tag Match]: Khali & Prime Time Players defeat 3MB by pin. Well, it definitely wasn't Heath Slater earlier, so I'm not sure who the jobbers were. The ink was totally different.

Otherwise, this happened. For entirely too long. It was all right, I guess, but if you're going to try giving 3MB some credibility, don't put Khali against them, you know?

Pre-Segment 12: The Wyatt Family has a new, slightly more involved pre-entrance video, not just the “We're here” thing. It sounds better, and looks better. It took me like a month, but I consciously realized that it looked a little silly on the Titantron for Bray Wyatt to light the lantern, say two words, then blow it out. Now he says a little nonsensical speech first, which is totally fitting, and the timing just seems better. [Ed. Note: It was match-specific, I thought. I wouldn't mind if that became a regular thing, or , at least, a regular thing for bigger TV/PPV matches.]

...Because these are the things I notice.

Segment 12 [Six-Man Tag Match]: Cody Rhodes & Goldust defeat Wyatt Family (w/ Bray Wyatt) by pin. Solid match. ADR/Sandow was probably technically better, but this one was more entertaining to me.

Pure formula, but Eric Rowan (the one with the red beard and goat mask) did most of the heel offense to Goldust, who played the face in peril. Rowan did all right overall, but he busted out the bearhug and the Claw, which probably rank as Rick's #1 and #3 least impressive wrestling moves. For roughneck offense, it was all right, but his moveset was clearly a little dry.

...And then he did a jumping spinning back roundhouse kick. Why the hell hasn't he been doing that this whole time? It was friggin' sweet! It whiffed and kicked off Goldust's rally, sure, but it was a nice move. It looked so smooth that it makes me wonder just how agile the guy is. There might be a lot of potential there.

Regardless, during the rally, Bray started freaking out from the outside, but he never left his rocking chair (although he did bunny hop it a few inches forward during his flailing). And although Rowan got a little momentum back, things turned into a Pier Four Brawl, and it saw Cody flying off the top rope with a dropkick, soon followed by him flying off the top rope to cross body Luke Harper on the outside directly in front of Bray. Good stuff.

The pin was pretty much a flash, coming from an out-of-nowhere partial sunset flip from Goldust to Rowan. That got the three, and then the faces bailed before Bray could get in the ring to accost them. The heels spent the last couple seconds talking shit, and then we were done.

Final Thoughts: Decent night overall, quality-wise, but nothing really noteworthy or YouTube-worthy. If anything, the matches were pretty confusing or pointless: only the main event held any real meat, while WWE played roulette with alignments and matchups. ADR/Sandow may be a sign of things to come, mostly for Sandow, but the divas' match was all sorts of wasted talent and time. On the one hand, if “Total Divas” is the reason to get the women on TV more and in more matches, fine. But on the other, matches that are hastily scrambled together that tell no cohesive story and are too short don't help anyone.

Aside from the pointless and confusing matches, we had no-value-add angles for storylines, unless you want to take away the main event as a positive step forward for both Wyatt Family (the loss doesn't hurt them, and Rowan is slowly showing signs that he knows what he's doing) and the Rhodes Brothers (as their win continues to legitimize them as a tag team). But those are still tangential to the overall storyline arc... of which there really isn't one yet for the Rhodeses. So... no value-add there either.

I dunno. It's one of those episodes where nothing was really wrong, but nothing was really right either, and not a lot got done, which means Blonde Rosa is the perfect personification of the episode. Not the best compliment I can give it, but I can't think of anything better either.

That's all from me. I'm going to go train up my Weedle to stick it to the girl in the next town over.

Episode Grade: C-

 
E-MAIL PYROFALKON


  
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