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Randy Orton: Pretty, Pretty, Pretty Rude
August 24, 2013

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
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This recap is going to be a doozy for me, folks, and hopefully, you won't notice. See, I had a rough day at work today... well, I've had a rough couple weeks, leading to a couple mini-freakouts, but today sort of capped it with some physical injury. It seems every object in the universe decided to be magnetically attracted to my head, and I've had at least eight or ten blows to my temple, crown, forehead, or cheek today.
That already sucks, since each one made me feel a little more tired and sad, but then something... off happened. All day, I've been having trouble correctly speaking the words that my brain want to say, and instead say something close-sounding, but not even close-meaning. Like one of the least embarrassing was when a cute coworker was kinda flirting with me, and I was kinda flirting back.

Well, first of all, I know I was hallucinating because no one flirts with me, ever, but that's a different article. But then, I wanted to verbalize “I want to get to know you more,” and it came out “I want to get to own you.” Not even with a “more” at the end of the sentence.

I sort of knew it came out wrong, but I didn't completely know. She started laughing and called me on it, and I tried to correct myself, but it again came out that I want to own her. I fired off several totally not work-appropriate profane words at myself, and finally got it out the third time. She wondered if it was a Freudian slip. I decided against trying to answer.

So I'm hoping that while this recap goes without a hitch, my fingers and brain already argue sometimes, and I'm not sure how well this is going to turn out. Hopefully I catch any mistakes before Rick prints it, but who knows. I feel like Dave Barnett here.

In any event, enjoy the recap.

Segment 1: After an overly long video recap of the Daniel Bryan storyline, we get the signature and cut to the ring, where Vickie Guerrero is there to welcome us. And she's excited to introduce us to Randy Orton, apparently the first WWE Champion in forever to possibly straddle both companies.

Orton and Vickie pass each other. She wants a hug; he's not having that, but shakes her hand. Then he gets in the ring, picks up a mic, and bores me a bit. But does do something I didn't expect (but is totally within his character) by saying he didn't know that Triple H was going to Pedigree DB, but popped out anyway (though he doesn't really explain why). And he totally doesn't need Trips's support, the McMahons' support, nor The Shield's support. But he does want our support. To which the fans boo.

And then he looks right at the hard camera and says that he's not just WWE Champion, that “this is the face of the WWE,” with a rather extreme closeup. That was actually a somewhat powerful image, there.

But Orton doesn't get a chance to smile for the camera as DB hits the ring to massive cheers. Orton looks a little irritated, but he relaxes his guard. DB grabs a mic and says first, before dealing with the “face of WWE,” he wants to thank John Cena for the chance to face him for the championship. The crowd, surprisingly, boos the shit out of him for it. Huh.

DB says that he has at least felt what it's like to be a champ, and now, it's time for the “face of WWE” to change. Orton, I think, points at his beard as he questions whether a shave would be enough. The fans suddenly start cheering for him again. DB says that he gets it, especially since Orton “is so, so pretty.” That makes all women's estrogen spiking in the crowd, apparently.

DB goes on that Orton is also arrogant, and has the “genetic golden ticket” to be in WWE since he's a third-generation wrestler. But he repeats that Orton is “so pretty, it just makes me want to kick you in the face.” Orton starts laughing, which I'm not sure is in or out of character, but he gets a solid cheer for it. DB goes on that he had to fight and claw for even an inch of respect... but he can wrestle. And he can beat Orton, even for the WWE Title.

DB points out that he's entitled a rematch, after all, for losing it. (Does that mean Cena is too after he comes back?) And DB wants that rematch tonight.

The fans agree, but Orton doesn't; he insists DB will have to wait until Night of Champions, then drops the mic without explaining why. Orton talks some shit that we can't here, then poses with the title to nearly unanimous boos. Orton then turns away... and goes for an RKO, but DB shoves him. Orton hits the ropes but hangs on. A beat, and DB does a running missile dropkick, sending Orton up and over in a reverse-skin the cat. Orton paces, but decides to retreat.

Here's the thing... given that DB just got beaten up by The Shield and Trips on Monday, wouldn't it be in Orton's best interest to wrestle tonight since he's fresh and DB is wounded? And when Night of Champions rolls around, DB will be recovered? Then again, I suppose none of us keep Orton around for his brain.

Segment 2: Back from commercial, and Vickie is angrily blathering on the phone over DB crashing Orton's opening bit. Then Wade Barrett comes in and says he wants to beat the shit out of DB anyway, so Vickie should just book that match. Vickie is down... but adds a steel cage stipulation. Barrett, who is growing his beard again since that's how hair works, is all smiles as he leaves.

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Curtis Axel (w/ Paul Heyman) defeats Cody Rhodes by pin. Meh. Technically performed well, but nothing interesting here. During Cody's last rally, he went up for a top rope something, but Heyman just... talked... to him. Cody totally lost the plot and just screamed at Paul for no fucking reason for thirty seconds, giving Axel time to get up, crotch Cody on the top rope, then pull him down and do his falling twisting neckbreaker. Pin, three, done, yawn.

Post-Segment 3: And then Heyman gets the mic, talks some shit against CM Punk, talks up Curtis Axel, then hands the mic over. Axel talks shit about Punk then, and rather randomly says that Punk doesn't deserve a match for the IC Title. But then he goes ahead and makes a challenge for a match anyway for next Monday... though, I guess it's non-title.

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: Dolph Ziggler reverse-squashes Big E. Langston (w/ AJ) by pin. Prior to the match, Langston kicked Dolph's ass, prompting the ref to go absolutely apeshit on Langston. I've never seen a ref more pissed off in my life, especially the way he grabbed and (tried to) throw Langston back into his corner while Dolph tried to get his head on straight. Even John “Referee McDoucher” Cone didn't show that much energy. I daresay, if that ref had been around during the Attitude Era, there would have been significantly fewer ref bumps, and he would have just slapped the Sharpshooter on Bret Hart himself, saving Shawn Michaels the pain of the Screwjob.

Anyway, the match started, Langston kicked Dolph's ass for a few minutes, AJ managed a behind-the-ref's-back cheap shot, and then Dolph hit a Zig Zag out of nowhere. Nothing to talk about here.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Alberto Del Rio defeats Christian by submission. Solid match, technically speaking, but man alive was I bored. It may just be a general apathy tonight, but I'm not finding anything exciting in the matches. Maybe because the finish was a foregone conclusion?

I dunno. All I know is that I was amsued as always that John Cone got so excited toward the end that when he went for a pin count, he had a little too much momentum and slid out of the ring under the bottom rope, then resumed his count by slapping the apron. The first time I saw it, when he was new, I was annoyed; now, I think it's kinda cool. I must be mellowing in my old age.

Anyway, the match was good, no high spots, nothing to talk about. The end saw the Cross Arm Breaker, which Christian resisted, but ultimately tapped out to.

Post-Segment 5: ADR talks some shit and puts himself over, and then Ricardo Rodriguez pops out to state his contrary opinion. Then he gives Rob Van Dam a bit of a flowery introduction, and RVD pops out to absorb some cheers.

As RVD comes down the ramp, Christian hits ADR with a missile dropkick off the top rope, then bails. RVD poses over his corpse, then this a Rolling Thunder. ADR runs away, and the peasants rejoice.

Segment 6 [Handicap 2-on-3 Tag Match]: Big Show & Mark Henry squash 3MB by pin.

Before the match started, JBL had one of the best lines I've heard from him, as he encouraged 3MB “to find the Mean Street Posse to help them out.”

As for the match, well... if I may paraphrase Rick, we're all adults here, so let's not pretend this was something it wasn't.

Post-Segment 6: Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins appear on the Titantron to talk some shit to the faces. When Roman isn't losing his fucking mind, Seth is basically saying that they're the future, while Show and Henry are the past and just need to give it up. Meh.

Cut Scene: The Prime Time Players are walking. I'd like to play devil's advocate to something Rick said on Monday: I wonder if WWE hasn't acknowledged on-screen Darren Young coming out because everyone knows at this point, and WWE already did its corporate song and dance (not to mention the otherwise inexplicable push). I know the corporate response and the on-screen response are separate, but to me, they'd be redundant. Unless you want to try to argue that showing it on-screen is the only way to get the majority of fans to realize it, but I think that's fairly pessimistic.

I will say that the idea of turning them face for no damn reason is stupid. You can still have them turn face just by running interference against heels or something, rather than a face turn for no reason (or, at least, a face turn by proxy). Either way, I don't really care if WWE acknowledges his sexuality beyond what they already have.

And, again, if this is simply the way Young wanted it, all the better.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Darren Young (w/ Titus O'Neil) reverse-squashes Antonio Cesaro (w/ Jack Swagger & Zeb Colter) by pin. Cesaro kicked his ass for a few minutes, then Young did a Gut Check out of nowhere and made the pin. Whatever.

Segment 8: Ryback bullies some guy in the back who can't act worth a shit. Even weirder is the setup: the guy supposedly asks for an autograph, and gets it, but then confesses that he doesn't know who Ryback actually is. Ryback is offended at this and tears up the picture, but lets the dude leave. Weird.

Segment 9: Another vignette for whatever the hell Epico and Primo are doing. I give that shitty gimmick less than two months before they drop the hammer on it, though if it gets My Rosa Mendes back on TV, I'll be less bitchy.

Segment 10 [Singles Steel Cage Match, Modern Rules]: Daniel Bryan defeats Wade Barrett by pin. Solid match, but once again, I just wasn't feeling it. I have no idea why... was it just me? Was this just a weird day for me? The fans were into it, all the spots were good, Barrett and DB click... but, just, I dunno.

Post-Segment 10: DB was Yes!-ing around the ring. When he came to the west side, Orton slid out from under the ring and gave him an RKO, then posed over his body with the title. Exactly when did Orton get there, and how did none of the fans notice in the first place?

Final Thoughts: Ah well. Stories were told, feuds advanced, everything happened as it “should,” I guess. But... just... meh. I just wasn't feeling it tonight.

Well, I'm sure (and hope) Rick gave his thoughts above when I was moaning about being bored by tonight's episode, but so it goes. [Ed. Note: Wait, what? I was supposed to be doing that? Can't I be bored, too? FWIW: I aknowledge there was a "been there, seen that" vibe to Ziggler/Langston and ADR/Christian, which took away from otherwise very sound contests. Man, do I ever think Langston's gonna be huge someday soon... main event was, however, objectively very good despite being Round 4 of that particular feud. Cages matches can do that. Opening Orton/Bryan promo was also very good, though it upset me to no end that Bryan did not see fit to mock Orton's attempted "beard" as part of his teasing.] I can't give it a bad grade because nothing bad happened, but I just couldn't get into it tonight. Maybe next week will be better, if I can stop bashing my head into everything at work.

Have a good week, guys.

Episode Grade: C, I guess?


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