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Randy Orton: Colorblind Mantard?
July 13, 2013

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
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I normally don't make these precaps heavy or serious, and I had a different topic in mind here, but something came up that I need to rant about. If the average maintains, I'll get precisely zero e-mails from any of you who have an answer or advice for me, but that's fine; this is more of me needing to rant, to work some stuff out in my head. If you don't want to hear it, you're more than welcome to skip down past the italicized words.

One of my qualms with the nature of Facebook is how many people seem to need each other, or perhaps their own “Update Status” line, to give themselves any sort of inspiration. Every day, my Facebook feed is flooded with people, even close friends (who never read this column so I don't have to worry), who spend their entire day posting “inspiring” or “uplifting” information, or stupid crap about “when God speaks, you LISTEN” when congratulating themselves on retroactively moving or getting promoted. This behavior bothers me, but I'm more bothered by the fact that I'm bothered.

Redundant, I know. What I'm saying is, intellectually, I realize that everyone has their own philosophies and, in turn, have their own methods of reinforcing those philosophies within themselves. I have friends who go to church every week without fail as a means of keeping Christianity close to their hearts; I have friends who use memes from the deepest parts of the Internet as their morning cup of coffee to get them through the day; I have friends who simply lean on others in times of crisis to get them through their own troubles. Everyone needs something, intellectually I get that... but I guess I just don't understand the advantage of sharing your personal inspiration online with a bunch of people who, honestly, probably don't share your view.

It's the lack of understanding that irritates me, because I want to understand it. Sometimes I want to be the type who posts some quote or some passage from a book and, with that alone, can go punch unhappiness in the dick as they spend their day frolicking among life's equivalent of sunshine and rainbow-colored tulips. But I can't change who I am, and at the end of the day, I think blathering inspirational quotes to the general public reeks of insincerity and a lack of free will.

In CM Punk's DVD special, he mentioned that he wanted to slim down during one particular part of his life, to maintain his flexibility and his health. Just like that, literally overnight, he stopped eating meat and started yoga. Punk didn't do it to make a statement, or to blather about it on Facebook; he did research, needed to make a change, and just did it. It takes a lot of willpower to do that in the first place, but more than that, he simply acted out of self-interest while not bothering others about his choices.

That's the kind of thing I want to do, but even more extreme. I've long since held the opinion that for me personally, if I can't beat my personal demons, I honestly in my heart of hearts feel that they should consume me. And some of those demons are incredibly dark; Rick, my mom, and only one extremely close friend knows just how dark they are. And to this day, three years and two months after The Event that has defined me and my life's worth, I still believe it. If I can't beat those demons myself—if I need inspirational quotes and stupid square pictures on a meaningless social networking site—then those demons have a right to consume me, even if it means making a certain irreversible decision.

Am I wrong? Is the majority right? Have they always been right, or are we seeing a changing of the way culture and people act? I recognize we all need each other—only certain totally crazy people are completely self-sufficient, and if you're reading this, you depend on other people as well unless you've got a personal solar power plant and Internet service provider—but do we need to document and catalog every thought that goes through our head? Is this a source of strength for the weak-willed? Or does it take more will to share this kind of thing, and they take solace in the fact they're not alone?

Whatever the reasons, I continue to internally debate the merits of keeping a Facebook profile (or any other social media account) given the kind of nonsense that is spouted across the Internet on a daily basis. Yet I'm in a position where I can't simply unplug, as I'm running no less than three separate jobs that require Facebook and Twitter profiles just to have some sort of brand and presence. And with Internet etiquette, I can't simply unfollow everyone who is irritating me, as some of them are incredibly close real-life friends, and that would or could cause a bunch of stupid strife I'd rather avoid.

Regardless, at the end of the day, I still paraphrase Rick's philosophy to declare that 95% of everything spouted online is crap, and is best to be ignored. I have better things to do than to listen to things that annoy me all day. So I guess all I can do is just keep doing my best, continue walking what I believe is the best road, and try to stay true to my own convictions. Once I'm dead, it won't matter anyway, since I don't really make much of an impact on the world; and even if I did, life will go on, and everyone else will likely continue their own convictions too. So it goes.

All right, enough philosophy. This is the last episode of SmackDown before WWE Money in the Bank, so let's see if we have any new developments.

Segment 1 [Singles Match]: Daniel Bryan defeats Christian by submission. It's always appreciated when show openings go against the standard “modern” opening (one guy/team comes out and blathers, someone else blathers too, obvious match is made, everyone yawns). Even better, this was damn fine match that worthy of a weekly main event, or even a co-main event on a pay-per-view. YouTube this shit; why WWE blew their load on the opening, I'll never know.

Feeling out to start, with Christian pretty much opening with a high-angle flying dropkick off the second rope, which was freaking beautiful to watch. But when Christian whiffed on the follow-up, DB took control with punchy-kicky-stompy. Christian managed a hope spot outside the ring, but DB put a stop to that, then did a Sagat Tiger Flying Knee off the apron to take us to ads.

Back, and DB is the face in peril. A neat hope spot puts DB on his face: he managed to get some separation, then threw Christian out of the ring. DB went for his trademark suicide dive between the ropes, but Christian scouted it, so he just up and threw a haymaker into DB's rib cage. After a moment of rest, and not to be outdone, DB sent Christian into the steps, causing Christian to sit on the ground with his back against the steps. DB then did a running missile dropkick, jamming Christian's shoulder between the steps and his flying feet. The satisfying “DOOOFFF!!!” of the steel stairs made the impact that much more solid; definitely a spot that will make you cringe.

Christian continued his momentum with flashier moves, before it devolved to a punchy-punchy exchange. Christian continued the offense, but whiffed on a top rope cross body. DB countered with a diving headbutt, but whiffed too. More back-and-forthy, and when DB went for his trademark low kicks, Christian countered with a back DDT. He then went for a Spear, but that was countered with a stiff knee to the face.

Another exchange, then a stiff Spear out of nowhere, but it wasn't enough for a pin. Christian then signaled for the Killswitch as the fans rightfully fired up a “This is awesome!” chant. DB slipped out, another exchange, and Christian went for a middle rope rebound cross body. But DB caught him and applied the No Lock. Christian tried to fight it, but that shoulder was still smarting, and he wanted to maintain a modicum of health for the Money in the Bank match this weekend. Christian tapped, and DB's incredible streak continues.

Segment 2: Teddy Long and Dolph Ziggler are in the former's office. Blathering ensues, and Long tells DB that he's got the night off. See, Alberto Del Rio is taking on Sin Cara for that main event (WHY???), and Long doesn't want DB to interfere in that match. In fact, after Vickie Guerrero was sacked on Monday, Long doesn't want anyone to interfere with any match tonight. Boy, if WWE is being serious there, that's a freaking breath of fresh air.

Dolph makes some faux racist comments as he implies that Long and ADR are totally friends, but he apparently accepts the order and leaves in peace. We'll see.

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Seth Rollins (w/ Roman Reigns) defeats Jay Uso (w/ Jimmy Uso) by pin. Solid match, if a bit short. Feeling out to start, with Rollins getting most of the offense. When Jay had his offense, he did a sidekick out of nowhere and went for a pin, which Rollins kicked out of immediately... and yet Cole still said he kicked out at two, when the ref barely had had the time to kneel on the canvas. That was weird... what match had Cole been watching?

Jay maintained momentum for a bit, but when he mounted the corner ropes, Rollins pulled him down and took over the offense. Punchy-kicky-jumpy along with about a million pin attempts, which seemed a little excessive. Then Rollins started smacking Jay's head into the turnbuckles, which just pissed off Jay and made him Hulk Up. A few high-powered moves and an ass-to-mouth later, Jay tried a pin, but then Roman Reigns hopped up on the apron to make a distraction. As Jimmy sidekicked Reigns, Jay went ballistic, throwing Rollins fifty feet in the air and hitting a falling Samoan Drop. Good lord... Tried a pin, but only got two.

Jay looked around and went to the top rope, and as Jimmy cheered him on, Reigns came flying in with a jumping lariat to take Jimmy down. Jay, momentarily distracted by these outside shenanigans, gave Rollins just enough time to shake the top rope, causing Jay to crotch himself on the corner. Rollins followed up with what can only be described as a (painful) jumping curb stomp. One pin later, that was that.

Segment 4: RAW recap of Vickie getting sacked on Monday.

Segment 5: Chris Jericho defeats Curtis Axel (w/ Paul Heyman) by countout. Above-average match, nothing special. No feeling out here; Axel just starts by beating the total shit out of CJ. CJ is able to make a bit of a hope spot sequence, concluding with a middle rope missile dropkick, but he only gets the two.

CJ gets in a couple more shots, but then Axel starts the heel beatdown sequence. After a hope spot, CJ tries an early Codebreaker, but Axel just grabs him and smacks him face-first into the top rope. This takes us to ads, for some reason.

Back, and Axel is firmly in control, mostly punchy-kicky offense with the occasional rest hold. Jericho does hit a flying cross body off the top rope to try a hope spot, and even follows up with his trademark running bulldog. However, CJ whiffs on the Lionsault, gets flung to the apron, then eats a middle rope-assisted neckbreaker. Ouch... but only worth a two.

Back to punchy-chokey offense, though Axel is soon put on the defensive as he counters the Walls of Jericho into a small package, then eats a roundhouse kick. Still only a two, but Axel is soon sent flying to the outside. CJ goes for a baseball slide and misses, then eats a running clothesline. JBL is duly impressed.

Back inside the ring, Axel gets caught in a mini-Codebreaker: as Axel tries to get in the ring, Jericho catches him as his head is between the ropes. Even though it's a short Codebreaker (without the usual leverage), it's enough to knockout Axel. Axel falls out of the ring and can't answer the count, making Jericho two-and-oh against the Intercontinental Champion.

Post-Segment 5: After the match, Axel declares he's going to get one win tonight, so he starts assaulting the announcers' table. The table jobs cleanly, and the stagehands will be sad. Good thing Punk wasn't out there with any diet soda.

We transition from there directly to The Miz's entrance, and then we've got ads.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Ryback defeats The Miz by pin. Decent match, nothing special. Exchange of a few punches to open, then Ryback goes for a charge. Miz drops to the canvas and takes the bottom rope with him, sending Ryback to the floor. Ryback immediately sells the knee, but doesn't have time to deal with it as Miz charges. Punchy-kicky exchange, fight goes back in the ring, and Ryback hits a tilt-a-whirl Alabama Slam, which was pretty cool.

The heel beatdown is on, mostly with kicky-stompy-slammy. Miz gets a single hope moment when he goes for a punch to Ryback's knee, but Ryback puts a stop to that and gets back on offense with slammy-slammy offense. Miz manages a hope spot again as he counters a running splash with his knees, followed up with a forward low missile dropkick to that knee.

Miz has momentum and pumps up the crowd, hits his trademark jumping lariat to the corner, follows up with a lariat off the top rope, and continues stomping and kicking that knee. Miz delivers a leg DDT, then kicks the shit out of Ryback's knee in the corner. Miz then charges, and Ryback wants to counter with a standing big boot, but then we get a neat re-counter. Miz saw it, dropped down at the last second so Ryback's leg was on Miz's shoulder, then Miz basically delivered a reverse Stone Cold Stunner, except targeting Ryback's knee instead of his jaw. Good stuff.

Ryback screams “Oh my god!” like a pornstar finding Jesus, and we hear him scream “I felt something pop!” However, he refuses to let the match be stopped. The ref helps him up to his feet, which seems counter-intuitive. Miz stalks Ryback, but Ryback hits a jumping lariat. It's not exactly a fake injury though (that is, it's not a fake fake injury), since he still sells the knee. He's got enough in the tank to hit the Shellshock though, and one pin later, that's it.

So... huh. Ryback fights through the pain and gets the win, but at what cost to that leg? Or has this whole thing been just Ryback doing some shenanigans? We'll see Sunday, maybe.

Segment 7: Renee Young is in the back to interview Sheamus, who says a bunch of generic bullshit, but he's totally going to buy Renee a pint once he wins the World Heavyweight Title. Oh, and he says she's totally cute.

Segment 8: This is odd. On the one hand, this is a stupid contract signing segment. On the other, it's AJ and Kaitlyn in what is apparently the World's First contract signing segment featuring women. This is what Susan B. Anthony fought for: it shows the equality of the genders when even the women, like their male counterparts, have to tolerate the bullshit of contract signing segments in professional wrestling, which is itself a bunch of bullshit. It's like bullshit piled onto more bullshit, except with boobs.

No entrances, but pretty much all the women in WWE (sans My Rosa Mendes for some reason... has she been fired?) are in the ring. AJ and Kaitlyn are already there at the table, with Big E. Langston behind AJ. Long has the mic, and now we go shorthand, because fuck this shit.

Long blathers, AJ blathers, Long cuts her off, AJ signs the contract (after jobbing to the first page of the paper), AJ blathers some more, Kaitlyn blathers, Kaitlyn signs the contract. I'd like to point out here that AJ licked the pen before signing, and then Kaitlyn licked the same pen before signing, so by the Dick Vitale Transitive Theory of College Basketball, we just saw AJ and Kaitlyn make out. Thus, dreams are fulfilled... sticky, sticky dreams.

Long blathers, AJ blathers, AJ reads out some of the texts Kaitlyn sent her “secret admirer.” And now, things actually get interesting.

The first text AJ reads is Kaitlyn saying essentially that Natalya is a bitch for not paying more attention to her, and that “Never trust a Neidhart” is apparently a totally real phrase. Natalya angry, which thus explains why the other divas are in the ring here.

The second text is that Kaitlyn accuses the Funkadactyls of only giving a crap about their reality show, not her. Naomi and Cameron angry.

Kaitlyn tries diving across the table, but Layla holds her back. AJ then mimes an angry walk as she grunts “Hulk smash!,” which likely has just pissed off Marvel. Kaitlyn does manage to get the phone, but AJ says this verbatim, though something is totally lost without her delivery: “It's okay, because I have insurance and a family plan. And also, Big E. is great with technology and pointing!” Ha, cute!

So Big E. points to the Titantron, which displays a text of Kaitlyn baring her (possibly naked and prone) soul to her “secret admirer” that “he” was able to break her out of the bodybuilding mold that everyone wanted her to be in. That... was disappointing.

So to conclude, AJ advises to Kaitlyn that she rip up the contract to stop her from further embarassment on Sunday. This is stupid as hell, since obviously Kaitlyn is now more pissed off and wanting to throw punches than before. Kaitlyn isn't falling for this crap and declares that she's “never... EEEVER” (cue the crowd chanting “Y2J! Y2J!” for a split second) going to let a “needy, clingy, man-crazed psychopath” influence her again, so there.

AJ slaps her, Kaitlyn shoves her back into her chair, and then... uh... well, I don't know if the table was on wheels or what, but Kaitlyn pushes the table, which pushes AJ in her rolling chair, and traps her in the corner. AJ freaks, Kaitlyn jumps on the table, and starts laying into AJ.

Langston pulls Kaitlyn off, and eats a stiff fucking slap for her efforts. AJ starts to recover, and gets cut in half with Kaitlyn's fucking wicked Spear. Langston just stands there because he's not going to hit a woman, but he's clearly pissed. AJ is unmoving, and Layla looks concerned as she leads Kaitlyn away.

Okay, so that could have gone worse. AJ's initial blathering may have been boring, but her delivery was more of that psycho-adorable (“psychodorable”?) cadence that she's totally mastered. And she kept rocking and swaying in her chair, which added to the silliness. Good stuff, more or less, and it's good to see that Kaitlyn is just generally pissed off rather than actually being embarrassed over AJ's shenanigans.

Pre-Segment 9: Zeb Colter is out on commentary for the next match. Jack Swagger and Antonio Cesaro are with him, but not mic'ed up.

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Fandango (w/ Summer Rae) reverse-squashes Wade Barrett by pin. No feeling out again, with Barrett just beating the shit out of Fangdango. It's roughneck offense, so pretty much all punchy-knee'y. During the match, Colter starts talking shit about Team Rhodes Scholars, including “They're so dumb they couldn't pass a GED test.”

So TRS comes on down, which must be baffling to the live crowd, who have no idea why the popped out. Everyone argues with everyone, and then Fandango scores a cheap pinfall with tights after kicking Barrett in the face once. Lame.

After the match, everyone continued to scream at everyone else, but nothing happened.

Segment 10: RAW recap of the Wyatt Family's debut, and officially rules Kane out of the Money in the Bank match due to his (kayfabe) injuries.

Segment 11: Alberto Del Rio hits the ring, then Sin Cara... but no match, baby. Sin Cara goes right after ADR and punches the crap out him, gets punched back, and starts punching harder. JBL thinks something is afoot, and a Zig Zag proves who's under the mask. Cole maintains that it's so totally Sin Cara, and JBL loses his shit on the air, but Cole says he was so totally just kidding and knows that it's actually Dolph.

And then Vickie Guerrero appears? Huh, okay... is this considered a new segment? Well, I write the recap, so it's my rules.

Segment 12: Vickie jacks Lilian Garcia's mic and starts screaming shit about Teddy Long being a jerk for making her buy a ticket. I have to admit, I'm half-distracted by the fact that she decided against most of the buttons on her blouse, and we're seeing basically all of her cleavage. Vickie's okay, but I wouldn't mind seeing that look on Rosa or AJ or Kaitlyn instead.

Anyway, Teddy Long pops out onto the stage, then ejects her from the building. The Arena Security Staff hit ringside to toss her as the fans serenade her as they often do.

Cut Scene: Rob Van Dam hype video.

Segment 13: Teddy Long finds Sin Cara in the back. He addresses him as Dolph, but he clearly has brown hair, but Long is stupid. Dolph appears wearing his street clothes, says some bullshit, and runs off. Long looks legitimately confused, which makes me question his mental state. Even Cara, despite the mask, is using Broad Gesturing to wonder how Long got this job.

Segment 14 [Singles Match]: Randy Orton draws with Sheamus by double disqualification. Decent match, nothing special. Feeling out, back-and-forth grapply spots. Sheamus gets the first decent move (and pin attempt) with a standing suplex. The punchy-kicky fight spills outside, and Sheamus gets the advantage by slamming Ortom's empty head into the announcers' table. Orton reverses an Irish Whip to send Sheamus into the stairs; Sheamus stops his inertia, but then Orton lays him out with a clothesline. That takes us to ads.

[Ad aside: apparently, I can stream WWE PPVs on Xbox Live. Well, that solves that problem I was worried about when it came to canceling DISH Network.]

Back, and Orton is in full control, putting on a chin lock clinic. He also changed it up with a scissored rear naked choke, which was pretty cool, but quickly transitioned to a boring side chin lock. Yawn.

Sheamus eventually countered out and laid out Orton with clothesline, then hit his Five Moves of Doom... then followed by Orton clotheslining Sheamus's face off and hitting his Five Moves of Doom. It sounds boring, but these guys basically moved at full speed for 45 seconds straight, and it was pretty exciting.

They didn't slow down much as they exchanged big moves, ending with Sheamus hitting the Irish Curse Backbreaker. Only got a two, there. Orton delivered his trademark backbreaker, but the same result.

Orton slowed things down with a Hangman's DDT attempt, but Sheamus slipped out and got Orton to the apron. Sheamus then locked one of Orton's arms on the ropes, then the other... except Orton was overselling how strong Sheamus was while pulling his arm while totally ignoring the other arm that was free to move. Stupid... but, in Orton's defense, no more stupid than any other time Sheamus delivers this. Either way, Sheamus delivered the 10 of Clubs, then followed up with the rolling senton.

Sheamus signaled for the Brogue Kick, but Orton ducked it. Sheamus hit him anyway, then headed up to the middle rope. Orton caught him, and I thought they were going to do one of Orton's sweet superplexes, but no: since Sheamus's feet were on the second rope anyway, Orton just pulled him down and hit a Hangman's DDT, one of the few times his “out of nowhere” moves didn't make me roll my eyes.

Orton started humping the ring, Sheamus blocked the RKO, then went to the top rope. Orton hit the top rope, making Sheamus crotch himself. After delivering some shots, Orton climbed up, again teasing the superplex. Sheamus, crazily enough, basically hip tossed Orton to the floor, though they both crashed and burned. That seemed like a legit spot, but the ref slid out to check on them. Maybe he was just making sure, I dunno.

I do know that Daniel Bryan wasn't done in the spotlight, so he ran down to the ring and pulled out a ladder from the west side of the ring's nether regions. He slid in the ring, as did Sheamus and Orton. They stupidly charged, so DB just shoved the ladder into both of them. Ding ding ding.

Post-Segment 14: Well, this explains why DB opened the show against Christian rather than closing it. DB set up the ladder in the center of the ring and went after the briefcase, but Sheamus caught him and... well, he tried to throw DB over the top rope, but something got botched there, and DB just headbutted the top rope instead, so he crumbled to the canvas and rolled out under the bottom rope. The commentators, to their credit, totally sold this as what Sheamus was planning in the first place.

Then Sheamus started heading up the ladder, because he's an idiot. Christian arrived and stopped it, then he started climbing the ladder. Sheamus pulled him down, punched him, then went up. Then Christian went up on the other side of the ladder and sent Sheamus to the canvas. Christian reached for the case, but DB recovered and shoved the ladder to send Christian to the ground

DB then reset the ladder, but before he could even get to the first rung, Orton came in with an RKO. Orton undressed the briefcase with his eyes, then headed up the ladder. No one stopped him, so Orton grabbed the case, and several idiots in the crowd cheered as if this was the actual match.

Final Thoughts: The last bit wasn't bad... but it wasn't really all that great either. It adds fuel to the fire, but they do that little sequence every year, and it makes less and less sense if we're to believe the guys are smart enough to, you know, save their bodies instead of trying to “send a message.”

I also find it interesting that half the matches broke the alignment code: we had two face/face matches and one heel/heel match. Kinda weird, but none of them felt weird. Barrett/Fandango was too short to be anything, DB/Christian was just a freaking awesome match, and Orton/Sheamus had MITB implications, so it all kind of worked. All the angles were decent at least, or cool at best, though nothing amazing. I'd consider Sheamus's promo to be on the low end, since it was short and vanilla. I find it telling that the World Champion got about 45 seconds of screen time, but for MITB, I suppose that's the way it should be.

All things considered, this was damn fine episode, and a solid lead-in into MITB. I'm rather surprised, but pleasantly so.

Come on back Online Onslaught at about 11:30pm on Sunday night (that's Eastern time, naturally) for Rick's recap of MITB. I might even check it out myself on Xbox Live, if for no other reason than to test out how well that works. (And it'll be the first time I'd see WWE in high-def!) Otherwise, have a good weekend everyone, and I'll see you next week.

Episode Grade: B


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