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Hands off the Heyman
July 6, 2013

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
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As much as I sometimes miss my DISH service, one advantage I have with doing this from Hulu is that I no longer have to worry about rain storms stopping my recap. There have been at least a dozen times I've frantically fired off an e-mail to Rick that I've missed a segment or a whole show because of cloud cover, which sometimes turned out even worse when he had already deleted the episode off his own DVR.
This past week—and really, this past few weeks, maybe a month—Ohio has decided to mimic the United Kingdom, and there haven't been too many dry days. I actually like this weather, so I'm happy about it, especially now that it doesn't cut into my recapping duties. Win-win (win), baby!

The downside here is that, apparently, even though Ohio has been drenched in a permanent waterfall like it was in one of those acid-trip Old Spice commercials, it still “hasn't rained enough” for crops and such according to newspapers around here. I always take Miami Valley news with a grain of salt, but really: how much water do we need? Is it just because it usually rains more total days, but not often in this type of cluster? Whatever the reason, I'm happy about the rain, and hopefully we'll get enough total over the summer that it won't drive up meat and milk prices again.

But you're not here for weather reports, you're here for professional wrestling! And the New England Revolution have a game right now, so I'll have Twitter open in one tab, and Hulu in another. Let's roll...

Segment 1: Full opening but no pyros, and we're opening with... CM Punk? On SmackDown??? Yay!

Punkers his the ring, accompanied by his Wolverine chops. And while we're on that topic, as they show the lineup for Money in the Bank, it seems only Kane is beard-less among all the competitors.

Punk grabs a mic and starts a long monologue about he is independent, perhaps to a fault. Specifically, when people tell him to do things or that he'll have a certain future, he does everything he can to do the opposite even if it was a good idea. He cites the example of how he was told he'd be big after WrestleMania 29, but walked away for a while; or how he was told that Paul Heyman was so awesome for him, so he asked Heyman to stay in the back.

I get Punk's point, but I'm curious how much that's him, and how much that's character; after all, if you specifically do the complete opposite of everything everyone tells you, that's not independence, that's more like anti-dependence. Sort of like how rigid non-conformists are actually conformists, they're just conforming to something that isn't mainstream. (This is why, if I may get on my soapbox for a moment, I hate the idea of subcultures and that a given interest seems to create a stereotype. The act of playing videogames doesn't make you an introvert, for example. Can't I just like something because I like it without other stigmas or stupidity attached?)

Punk's story point here is that he's now being told that regardless of his two wins in MITB matches, everyone is saying that he's not going to win it again. But see, Punk's not listening to that static. He's got two goals: beating the shit out of Brock Lesnar, and to win the MITB match so he can cash it in and be the WWE Champion again.

Punk wants to conclude, but here comes Alberto Del Rio, and Punk talks over his music since he's a little irritated that he wasn't done. ADR saunters to the ring, mocks Independence Day in the stupidest way possible, and insults America in the most stereotypical and boring way possible. (Americans are fat!) He proceeds further cheap heat, and gooses the crowd to chant “USA! USA!” just to be disappointed in them. Heh.

Punk calls bullshit though, since hey, ADR was a goddamn face a month ago! But Punk helps the heel turn by asserting that the fans boo him because they “saw through ADR's phony false patriotism.” Nice.

ADR continues blathering, reminding Punk that he's the World Heavyweight Champion. Punk just insists that that makes him the #1 contender to his title of Best in the World.

ADR isn't having that, so he orders Punk to leave. But Punk brings it around to the beginning of the promo and says that it might be a smart idea to leave, but he's just anti-conformist that way, and he's not going to leave, so there.

Well, here's Teddy Long to make the obvious match. Oh, and he recites a really shitty overwritten line, too. Punk celebrates the match booking with a fist pump, which seems a little out of character for a self-aware former champion.

And that's that, and the opening ends on a fizzle. Whee.

Segment 2: After ads, Punk is still hanging out in the back, and Paul Heyman arrives to chat. Heyman is there to discourage Punk from the match with ADR since it's meaningless and they're only nine days out from the PPV. Punk is all thanks, but no thanks, he's gonna fight anyway, since he's CM Punk.

Heyman also tries offering his services as a manager one more time for tonight's match too, but only because Punk has a bull's eye on his back and is just super worried about him. But Punk again says, please, as his friend, should stay out of it. Heyman runs off, and Punk rolls his eyes.

Pre-Segment 3: Siva Tau fuck yeah!

Also, Damien Sandow wants to talk before heading down the ramp. He reminds all us “mouth breathers” that he and Cody Rhodes will be against each other in the MITB match, but that he and Cody will totally be on the same page for the match and won't break up their team over it. Cody says “May the best man win,” Sandow agrees and shakes his