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SD!: ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW
Fiesta del Ziggler
June 29, 2013

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
Follow Pyro's Tweets
on Twitter --/-- View Pyro's Videos on Youtube

 
I enjoy being an adult; I'm not like one of those morons who thinks that my high school days were the best of my life. I wouldn't trade the freedom of adulthood for anything... but that said, by far the most annoying trait of adulthood is the pressure on my time.
 

I have entirely too much to do tonight, and most of it going to have to be forced until tomorrow. Dishes are piling up, and I was planning a special meal for myself for tonight, but I don't have the time to do the dishes or cook... so Domino's Pizza it is. Laundry needs to be done too, but I've got too much on my plate to get it done, so I'll probably be wearing crusty socks tomorrow. (Luckily not crusty boxers.)

 

This is one of the rare days where I'm actually hoping for a drab episode of SmackDown, because if it's too good or too boring, I'm going to be on the recap for several hours. A boring episode leads to a boring recap, but at least it'll be short, you know? If it's short enough, I might be able to squeeze in laundry, but I wouldn't complain if the episode is actually good.

So... no more time-wasting. Let's get to SD.

Opening: Although the opening song hasn't changed, they used a slightly different part of it and mixed up the opening video montage (or “signature” if I remember correctly what CM Punk called it). Also, they've slapped an iTunes bug on the signature, because money.

Also, as we go to the arena, we see that there's a pinata above the ring, because it's totally going to be an Alberto Del Rio celebration that can't possibly be interrupted by anyone.

Finally, we're opening with one hell of a match on paper, and—wait, it would make more sense if I made it a pre-segment.

Pre-Segment 1: So tonight's opening match is also the alleged end of the feud between Sheamus and Damien Sandow. We get a short montage of last week's shenanigans between the two, as well as Michael Cole verbalizing how they've been at each other's throats over Sandow's “tests of intellect.”

It comes down to this, a Dublin Street Fight, which I guess is a normal street fight (no-DQ no-countout, but falls must be in the ring). But there are beer taps around the ring, so... hooray alcoholism, I guess?

Sheamus hits the ring first, then Sandow, who talks shit about Stephen Colbert's home state of South Carolina, then says that after he wins, they'll totally rename the match after him. Which, of course, means he's totally going to lose.

Segment 1 [Dublin Street Fight]: Sheamus defeats Damien Sandow by pin. Solid match, especially for a spot-fest, and it gives Sandow some solid credibility. He proves he's got some brawling chops, and he doesn't lose any momentum despite a loss.

A green kendo stick is the first weapon to be used. Cute. So the match gets started, the fight spills outside basically instantly, and Sheamus hits the 10 of Clubs by bending Sandow backwards not on the ropes, but on one of mini-bars. Back-and-forth from there, as Sheamus throws a clearly empty keg at Sandow, and Sandow delivers a front dropkick. Other props include a literal sack of potatoes and a green bar stool, because anything can be a weapon, especially when you're theming your match.

Also: ads.

But back from that, and the ring is a mess, covered in chairs and a broom. Sandow seems in control, but Sheamus cuts that mess off with another green bar stool. One Irish Curse Backbreaker as a follow up, and Sandow has to kick out of a pin. Another exchange, fight goes outside, and Sheamus hits a rolling senton on the mats outside. Back in the ring, battering ram off the top rope, pin, but two.

Sandow takes control then thanks to a steel chair (amazingly not a green one), and gives him a drop toe hold onto a different chair. That spot was particularly sick, because the chair was extended and upside-down. In other words, Sheamus was about an inch away from one of the chair's feet impaling his eye. Scary shit... though on replay, you can see they kinda-sorta slowed the spot down from a typical drop toe hold, giving him enough time to get his face in the right position.

Sheamus was pinned there but kicked out at two. Sandow followed up by beating the ever-loving piss out of him with another green kendo stick, enough that he broke it. And the final shot looked like it a full swing directly into Sheamus's temple, making me wonder if Sandow is going to get fined for it. (Or does WWE only bitch about chair shots, specifically?)

Sheamus then takes control by throwing a chair into Sandow's face, then beats the piss out of him with the other green kendo stick. No apparent head shots from that one, but he makes a pin anyway, though he only gets two.

Sheamus then sets up a couple chairs besides each other. They teased an insanely dangerous White Noise drop onto the chairs, but Sandow fought out. Quick exchange, and Sandow found himself sitting on the chairs, one ass cheek to a chair. Sheamus hit the ropes, nailed him with a sick Brogue Kick, and that's all she wrote.

Segment 2: RAW recap of the main event.

Segment 3: Daniel Bryan is with Kane in the back and whistling a jaunty tune. Kane lightly bitches that he doesn't want to hear DB bragging, but congratulates him all the same on beating Randy Orton. Then Kane makes the mistake of calling it an upset, which naturally pisses off DB to high hell.

Kane snaps, then points out that he has a match against Orton tonight, and DB is stressing him out. So get out!!!

…Except DB just smiles, says that he'll let that slide since they're totally besties, and promises that he'll be on commentary just in case Kane needs the assist. Also: hugs.

But Kane isn't in a hugging mood. A look of death forces DB to break the hug, then back away slowly. Heh, cute.

Segment 4: RAW recap of the Punk/Paul Heyman promo. Gives me a chance to dig into my breadsticks. [Ed. Note: gives ME the chance to ask if the "new" Domino's is, in fact, an improvement. Ten out of 10 for Domino's admiting their product was shitty, but I don't know how many points to award to their new recipe, on the grounds that I have not yet had a reason to order Domino's in the past year.]

Segment 5: Oh good, another Miz TV segment. You know what that means... SHORTHAND!!!

Miz blathers, Miz blathers some more, Miz bitches out Heyman for metaphorically dicking with Renee Young last week, Curtis Axel hits the ring, Miz blathers and threatens Axel, Heyman calls Miz a pussy, Miz gives an entirely overwritten Star Wars-themed insult to both of them.

Miz makes a challenge for the Intercontinental Title, Axel blathers, Miz wants the match now, Heyman puts a stop to that, Heyman continues blathering and tries to insult Miz, Miz basically interrupts the insult and insults himself indirectly, Axel hits him with a twisting neckbreaker in the middle of his catchphrase.

The heels walk away, Miz sells, and we conclude a thirty-second plot advancement in a ten-minute bag.

Pre-Segment 6: RAW recap of AJ pretending to be Kaitlyn, which I'm pretty sure is a thing they always do on the road anyway.

Also: Nattie has a new top that's sheer in the cleavage, which is an aphrodisiac to me. Or at least, it apparently is, according to my brain's reaction to it. [Ed. Note: Simmer down. As of this weekend, Nattie is officially a married woman. To Tyson Kidd. Took him long enough.]

Also also: AJ's music fires up after AJ hits the ring. Huh? Well, Kaitlyn pops out as a stacked version as AJ, complete with wig, thus proving me right; I've never been happier to use the phrase “I called it!”

As “AJ,” Kaitlyn proceeds to run down her list of boytoys, apparently including Mark Yayton, who is the WWE timekeeper, and Dr. Samson, the ringside doctor. They both deny this for some reason; I'd take the credit if I had the chance. Oh, and Kaitlyn heard that AJ even had a thing for Lilian Garcia, a statement that explains why I somehow heard Rick's imagination go into overdrive from 30 miles away last night. Of note, Lilian seems real slow to deny this, evidently lusting over AJ's tater tots in her own mind as well.

The real AJ isn't entirely crazy, so she doesn't overreact to Kaitlyn's tomfoolery.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Natalya reverse-squashes AJ (w/ Big E. Langston) by pin. Natalya had 99% of the offense, and then AJ hit one move (which Natalya oversold) after about 15 seconds. Kaitlyn then mimicked AJ's skip to the ring, which was even more enjoyable to watch than the original given Kaitlyn's, uh, bigger assets.

AJ, now the victim of the “Creative” Team, had to pretend that the skipping was the biggest insult in the world against her womanhood. Like, a thousand times worse than the implication that she's a slut. So AJ naturally got distracted, then naturally took a schoolgirl roll-up, then naturally lost. Whatever.

Shitty for a match, but cute enough as a storyline advancement.

Post-Segment 6: AJ screams in the ref's face, then turns around... right into a stiff as fuck Spear. Holy crap, how did AJ's ribs not liquify?

Langston, unimpressed but unwilling to hit a woman, simply pulled AJ's unconscious body out of the ring and carried her rather uncomfortably away. Kaitlyn just did AJ-like gestures and hip-pops as her music played it out.

Segment 7: Another Wyatt Family vignette. Debut already, damnit!

Segment 8: Teddy Long is going to announce something about SmackDown's Money in the Bank match, and he says such on his phone. But he cuts that off as Vince McMahon charges into the office to know what Long is up to. Long says that, sure, he could have done what Vickie Guerrero did and just shove all the top stars into the match, but he had a better idea... and he's quick to say, kinda nudgingly, that Booker T totally would have never thought of it. Kinda subtle, but kinda not, especially with Vince playing along with a stupid cartoony face expression.

Anyway, Long's idea is to make the match consist of: Wade Barrett, Jack Swagger, Antonio Cesaro, Fandango, Dean Ambrose, Cody Rhodes, and Damien Sandow. Vince congratulates him, but corrects him on his pronunciation of “Fandango.” Whatever.

That's an interesting selection for sure. Rick will have to help me out here, but isn't Barrett the only one in that batch who has ever been in an MITB match? Or has Barrett not even been in one? [Ed. Note: Wade's been in at least one I can remember (the year Bryan won; there was a Nexus subtext). But Cody's been in at least 3, unless I'm totally out to lunch. Swagger fricking WON one. I think Sandow was in last year's, too. But your point remains: it's the polar opposite of RAW's star-studded line-up. I sort of assumed Big E. would go in, and be a favorite -- straining his relationship with Ziggler, as has been a plot point recently. But I guess not. I figure Ambrose is the favorite now; the thought of the Shield running around wielding a briefcase is delicious.]

Pre-Segment 9: DB hits the commentators' table.

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Randy Orton defeats Kane by pin. Decent match, nothing special workrate-wise. Also, maybe it's just me, but it seemed a little oddly paced, especially toward the end. Like they'd start the “endgame sequence” deal, but it just wouldn't quite get off the ground, and then they'd slow down again. I dunno.

At the end of the match, Orton hit the Hangman's DDT, and Kane rolled out of the ring. As he tried to get his bearings, DB took off the headset, then “helped” Kane by throwing him into the ring. There were still bats in Kane's belfry, and Orton hit an RKO rather effortlessly. Pin, three, done.

Except DB, rather than looking shocked, actually looked rather pleased with the outcome. A slight smile played on his goat face as he quickly walked around the ring and headed up the ramp. Huh.

Segment 10 [Singles Match]: Ryback squashes Justin Gabriel by pin. Oh good, it's 2012 again!

Post-Segment 10: As soon as the match was over, Jericho popped out to mock Ryback, then called him “Cryback,” and got the fans chanting along. Then they got in the ring, and... uh...

Well, I wasn't going to explain it, but Justin Gabriel kicked the shit out of Ryback's leg, which he oversold (but won anyway). After the bickering here with Jericho, Jericho kicked the shit out of Ryback's leg too, then went for the Walls. Ryback quickly managed to squirm out, then retreated, which of course is a first for him. If I may quote Rick: Whee?

Segment 11: RAW recap of the new WWE videogame cover, starring The Rock. Oh good, it's 2002 again!

Segment 12: Another replay of the fourth Wyatt Family vignette. This is reaching Fandango levels of annoying.

Segment 13: Replay of the retarded 1-800-FELLA segment where Sheamus kicks the shit out of a tree, and then gets offered 80-year-old boobs.

Pre-Segment 14: Siva Tau fuck yeah! That entrance damn well better be in WWE 2K14, or I'm going to riot.

Segment 14 [Six-Man Tag Match]: Christian & The Usos defeat The Shield by pin. Solid match. Reigns and Jay grapple, then tumble out of the ring. We get a six-man staredown, and then ads, because that's apparently good time management.

Back, and The Shield has cut the ring in half for Jay, and continues beating the crap out of him; standard formula, baby. Christian gets a hot tag and goes house of fire, but then becomes the true face in peril due to the numbers game.

A minute later, we get a Pier Six Brawl, which includes Seth Rollins nearly killing himself with an overly high velocity suicide vaulting senton to take out both Usos, after they took out Reigns. Christian then hits a Spear on Dean Ambrose, and... uh, makes the pin? Really? Huh, okay.

That ended a little quickly, seemed a little rushed overall, and I'm surprised they gave the faces the win. Losing to Team Friendship & Orton a couple weeks ago was one thing, since there was a long build up; losing to a team that was basically invented two days ago is another thing entirely. I don't think The Shield will really lose anything major from this, but it just seems too sudden to be credible. Good to see the Usos getting a big push though. [Ed. Note: the Usos probably aren't anything but fodder for Rollins/Reigns. On the other hand, this sets up Christian vs. Ambrose for the US TItle. And if Ambrose is gonna win the briefcase, well... you do the math.]

Segment 15: Time for the main event promo, which doesn't happen very often on SmackDown. Sadly, this is ADR's retarded fiesta, which you may recognize happened the last time ADR won a title. So... whatever. I'm short-handing this.

Ricardo Rodriguez does a shitty Southern accent and introduces ADR, who hits the ring presently. ADR blathers, blathers, blathers... ugh... blathers... does cheap heat (albeit cleverly) by holding the rest of his fiesta and promo entirely in Spanish. That's real ballsy on WWE's part, since it seems like the kind of thing they wouldn't do.

Oh wait, then ADR changes his mind and goes back to English as he whacks the Dolph pinata. ADR then blathers (in English), makes threats against Dolph, blathers some more, fucks up the word “heavyweight,” blathers some more, Dolph Ziggler pops out from gorilla, Dolph charges the ring after entirely too long of a build-up, a fight breaks out.

Brawl ensues, Ricardo goes through the snack table, ADR eats a Zig Zag, and the women go nuts when Dolph rips off his neon pink shirt. Ziggy then grabs one of the discarded guitars and tries to pull a Jeff Jarrett, but ADR bails before any of that happens... so Dolph whacks Ricardo with it instead. And hits him fucking stiff, too. Good lord. [Ed. Note: one first viewing, it was sick. On second viewing, it seemed like Ziggler aimed a little lower than I thought, and Ricardo took most of the impact on his shoulder, not the side of his head. Thank christ.]

And then, after replays, apparently the Mariachi band know not to mess with the white dude, so they sing to Dolph as the balloons come down on the crowd, along with JBL for some reason. This begs only one question: what the fuck?

Final Thoughts: So the main event promo alternated between having zero surprises and making no damn sense. This is not a good thing.

Nothing was offensive in this episode, but... I don't know. The opening was freaking awesome, but it just went downhill from there. I get why it was (and had to be) the opening, but it couldn't carry the show, which was otherwise mediocre. I propose you check out the opening match on the Tubes, and ignore the rest of the show. Also: don't watch the ending, else JBL will make you go deaf. Or make you wish you were deaf. Hell, even I sing better than that.

Anyway... it's 11:30pm, which means no time for laundry. Have a good weekend guys, and I'll see you next week.

Episode Grade: C+

 
E-MAIL PYROFALKON


  
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