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Viper vs. Goat
June 9, 2013

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
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So hey, remember I said that things were slightly uncomfortable last week due to plumbing issues? Well, it got a whole lot more uncomfortable as my landlord shut off water to my shower, and is as I write this ripping apart my bathroom entirely. Although it's not a real “phobia,” I have this inherent issue and discomfort when I can't shower, like I can feel the grime and dirt everywhere, and I get paranoid that I'm stinky for everyone around me. I know it's all in my head, but this whole week, I've been paranoid and not a little crazy as I've been unable to maintain even a modicum of the personal hygiene I usually expect for myself.
So at this point, I don't even have a toilet to work with. Or a sink. Or a goddamn bathroom. Instead, I'm on the road, doing the recap from my mom's apartment as I try (and fail) to keep in mind that people in developing countries are lucky to shower at all, let alone with any regularity. Still, discomfort is relative, and I've been going totally nuts this week.

Luckily for now, I'm clean and somewhat focused. And because I rent, when I go back home in a couple days, I'll have a brand new bathroom with brand new plumbing that I didn't have to pay for. Well, unless you count the $160 I'm out for being forced to take off work this weekend, but whatever. It'll give me a chance to get some work done for my other stuff, since I haven't had a peaceful night to write in a while. Without my games to distract my shitty willpower, I'll actually be able to get some actual work done this weekend.

But I'm a player, and I'm not going to let a little thing like my own insanity stop me from doing the recap as long as I've got access to Hulu Plus! So let's get this going...

Segment 1: We're starting off with Miz TV, which also means we're starting with a shorthand recap, baby!

Miz hits the ring and blathers, Randy Orton hits the ring, Team Friendship hits the ring, Daniel Bryan gives both Orton and Kane a partial apology for being a dumbass, Miz stirs the pot by recapping DB's actions last SmackDown, Orton says DB's head is pretty messed up, Kane tries to follow up that everyone in the universe respects him, Orton adds that he respects DB less the more he whines about the weak link nonsense.

DB then sort of resets the conversation by screaming that it's totally Orton's fault they lost on Monday, and Miz wants to stir the pot again by having Orton answer how he feels about that loss. But Kane stops Orton from answering, and wants he and DB to bail from this mess. But DB isn't having it: he points out that Kane was forced to team with DB, and if Kane had treated any other partner (like Cena or Orton himself) like he's treated DB, then it would be Kane who would be tossed out on the curb because he would be the weak link. Or something.

Kane has had it with this nonsense, so he just leaves. Miz posits that we just saw Team Friendship break up, and DB starts screaming “No!” over and over because he refuses to take the blame for said breakup.

Then Teddy Long pops out and books a match between Daniel Bryan versus the tag team champions. But since Kane is apparently on strike from DB, Long up and makes the team of DB and Orton. Orton looks concerned but focused, while DB looks irritated.

Decent opening I guess; it's difficult to convey the tone, but suffice to say that DB did a good job showing his decent into madness. But I can't help but feel that it could have ended a bunch of different, better ways to get there. [Ed. Note: and none of them would have involved Miz stinking up the joint.]

Pre-Segment 2: As Curtis Axel hits the ring, Paul Heyman walks with him to hype him up, and then Axel gets to blather as well. Decent promo for what it needs to be, but nothing to transcribe.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Curtis Axel (w/ Paul Heyman) defeats Chris Jericho by pin. Decent match with a lame ending. Standard formula, with Jericho's final hope spot winding up with a Walls of Jericho to Axel. Axel grabbed the bottom rope though, and pulled himself out of the ring as Jericho was forced to break.

Heyman meanwhile was on commentary, but took this moment to stand on the commentators' table and scream toward the gorilla position. CM Punk's music fired up, and Jericho, dumbass that he is in this moment, faces the Titantron.

But there is no Punk. What there is is Axel recovering long enough to slide in the ring and make a cheap roll-up pin.

Post-Segment 2: Axel over-celebrated, and Jericho walked away angry... until he was halfway up the ramp, at which point he ran back down, Thesz Pressed Axel, then hit him with the Codebreaker. Heyman looked worried, but hey: this makes Axel 4-and-0, all against multi-time world champions. And Jericho walks away looking like a moron. I'd say that's a net positive for the heels.

Segment 3: Kane is walking in the background, and he runs into Ryback, who insults DB. Kane defends DB though, makes some vague threats, and challenges Ryback to a match. A little blathering ensues, especially as Kane points out he's Tombstoned people, set others on fire, and buried his brother alive. So if “Ryback rules,” those rules don't apply to him.

Kane walks away, while Ryback scowls at him.

Segment 4: Replay of the Wyatt Family vignette. JBL and Michael Cole add that we'll learn more about the Wyatt Family tonight, so that's something, at least.

Segment 5: Replay of the opening of RAW.

Segment 6: This was supposed to be a singles match against Alberto Del Rio and someone from 3MB. But as the heels made their entrance, they triple-teamed ADR. Or rather, Jinder Mahal and Drew McIntyre double-teamed ADR as Heath Slater harassed Ricardo Rodriguez.

ADR managed to fight out of the disadvantage though, and sent the three of them packing to the west side of ring side. Then Ricardo got on the top rope and did a flying double axe handle for no apparent reason to take all three down, and over-celebrated with ADR in the ring.

Then we kicked it to the Titantron, where Dolph Ziggler gave him a golf clap. Dolph made some (good-quality) generic threats, culminating in the fact that Dolph is medically cleared to compete, and will do so on RAW. Good to hear he's coming back, and it seems to reignite his and ADR's feud.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Kane defeats Ryback by disqualification. Solid little brawl with good back-and-forth action. Power-versus-power is generally uninteresting, but it worked for these two.

Halfway through the match, Ryback pulled out a table. They teased the spot a few times, and finally Kane wrapped a hand around Ryback's throat to tease a chokeslam through the wood. But the ref got in the way since this is a standard match, after all. Kane didn't care, but in the moment he took to yell at the ref, Ryback recovered to rake Kane's eyes. Somehow this was deemed legal despite the ref being right there.

Regardless, Ryback took that moment to get Kane in the powerbomb position. This time, the ref just shouted his admonishments, rather than trying to pry them apart. Ryback gave no shit to the loss, and up and powerbombed Kane through the table, drawing the DQ.

And then, uh, something weird happened, as they just smash-cut to the bump for the next set of ads. It was so sudden, it makes me wonder if something actually happened after that spot and they had to edit around it... or maybe it was just poor time management? Either way, it was weird, but didn't exactly damage the show or anything.

Segment 8: Damien Sandow is back with another test of intellect! Sandow begins with some cheap heat by insulting the local community college, following up with a delicious line: “You are all checker minds living in a chess world.” Heh.

So Sandow decides that since everyone is an idiot compared to him, he's going to now deal with the only one who can deal with big brain: Deep Blue the super computer! Which, uh, apparently has a real-time voice set through a 1980's voice filter.

Sandow is going to prove his brainy brain while he plays a chess match against Deep Blue, which totally isn't just a Mac playing a video voiced by some dumbass in the back, and we're all to be silent while does.

Sandow plays white and proceeds to play the King's Pawn Opening, a somewhat risky and highly offensive strategy. The computer congratulates him on a strong opening move, and Sandow orders him to be silent. But hey, at least the computer is right: King's Pawn Opening is my third-favorite, and my go-to when I don't know anything about my opponent.

Before Deep Blue can whip out a defense however, it's Sheamus who hits the stage to talk some shit. This proceeds all the way down to the ring, and Sheamus is super-excited about this challenge! But Sheamus is sure that he can beat Deep Blue in only one move. Sandow laughs, because he knows the fastest way to win as white is four moves.

But Sheamus doesn't let up, and Sandow is dumb enough to let him try. So Sheamus studies the flat screen monitor, considers move the black queenside knight for some reason, and then does the Brogue Kick to the monitor. Ha ha, whatever, so obvious. Can I point out that kicking the monitor doesn't actually break the computer? And that for being an anti-bully, Sheamus continues his decent into stupidity and inconsistency for beating up Sandow for no reason and breaking his toys?

Sheamus then tosses the table, and then Sandow punches Sheamus in the face. Frankly, at this point, I'm cheering for Sandow. And I cheer harder when Sandow slams his face into the overturned table, and then bangs his head several times into it. JBL sides with Sandow as well, and I find myself in the uncomfortable position of being on JBL's side. What's this world coming to?

Anyway, because this is WWE, everyone boos, because fuck intelligence and charisma. I mean, as Rick mentioned, the whole problem with this story is that WWE doesn't exist in a vacuum, and when you're the poster boy for Be A Star, it's retarded to continually assault the guy who happens to be smarter than you.

Segment 9: Orton and DB bicker in the back to add tension to the main event.

Segment 10: A different, and new, Wyatt Family vignette. Cool music for this one, too... I may need to find that song.

Segment 11 [Singles Match]: Fandango (w/ Summer Rae) defeats Zack Ryder by pin. Decent match, nothing special. It was relatively competitive, surprisingly, but the fans didn't bite: they cheered whenever Ryder did an offensive move, but they never bought him as a potential winner.

The ending sequence saw Ryder getting on a roll and going for the Rough Ryder, but Fandango caught him and delivered a powerbomb as a counter. Then Fandango went to the top rope and hit his diving leg drop, which was a pretty impressive distance given that Zack was three-quarters across the ring. Attack delivered, pin, done.

The Miz was on commentary, but he didn't say anything of interest.

Segment 12: Montage of Ryback's recent activities.

Segment 13: Natalya is walking in the back and finds Kaitlyn. Apparently, Kaitlyn will meet her secret admirer on RAW, because it needs the ratings, I guess? Anyway, Natalya voices her concern about them meeting on live TV, and Kaitlyn tells her to back off. Natalya shares her concern that maybe, just maybe, this guy is a creep. Kaitlyn says, “If he was a creep, he'd be texting you, not me.” Then she walks off, and Natalya looks like she's going to cry.

Uh... is it just me, or is that completely out of left field? [Ed. Note: it's not just you.] I don't have issues with the story in general if that's the way they want to go, but don't you think that Nattie should be slow-burning the concerns? Rather than Kaitlyn just saying out of nowhere that she's totally ruining what might be her magic moment? Why should Kaitlyn be all upset?

Ugh. Once again, there I go again over-thinking a professional wrestling plot line. But come on, is this suppose to tease a turn for one of them? And if so, shouldn't it be a little more interesting or tantalizing than to just anvil us over the head on a random Friday night? Weird.

Segment 14 [Tag Match]: Daniel Bryan & Randy Orton defeat Seth Rollins & Roman Reigns by disqualification. Yet another damn fine match for The Shield as they continued their awesome tag team skills. No spots worthy of detailed transcription, but they put on an absolute clinic.

The ending sequence saw DB getting the hot tag. DB went house of fire and contained both heels with kicks, though he couldn't close the deal. But DB kept the offense up, delivering a rather sick German suplex to Rollins. When Rollins bailed into Reigns's waiting arms, DB just did a rebound suicide dive through the ropes to take out both of them again.

Back in the ring, DB landed his top rope diving headbutt and went for the pin, but Reigns broke it up. Then Orton recovered, RKOed Reigns, but was contained by Rollins in the corner. DB tried to save Orton with a running missile dropkick, but Rollins dodged, so DB kicked Orton in the face instead. As DB looked in shock, Rollins quickly rolled him up, but he pulled a little too hard and couldn't keep DB contained. Instead, DB smoothly trapped Rollins's arm, then transitioned to a No Lock. Rollins had nowhere to go, but that's when Dean Ambrose materialized from nowhere, slid in the ring, and physically broke the hold.

Post-Segment 14: Ambrose just shit-kicked DB, then pulled him up with his arms pinned behind his back for Rollins. But as Rollins charged, DB kicked him in the face, then elbowed Ambrose so hard it sent him tumbing out of the ring. Rollins charged again, but DB back body dropped him over the top rope so he crashed into Ambrose. DB fights off The Shield again!

...and then gets RKOed by Orton to an insane volume of boos. Uh... heel turn? Please?

Final Thoughts: Cole said of the RKO, “You could almost feel that coming!,” but the fans' reaction told a different story. If this is the trigger to turn Orton full-on heel, I'm in favor; the dude just sucks as a face, and this will do nothing but help the face-heavy roster. I'd be worried that WWE will just let things go back to normal next week, but they went too far for that to be the case: Orton just stood and glared at DB's body, and Orton sort of did his “lion pace” around the ring, almost daring DB to stand back up as we faded out to black. Good stuff.

I'm not entirely pleased that Shield gets away with yet another non-decisive finish, but at least this made a modicum of sense, and it worked for their M.O. And DB doesn't lose anything, since he fought them off basically on his own. But if Orton does indeed go heel for that—and by audience reaction, he probably should since there were zero audible cheers—this gives DB a good opponent to deal with in the meantime, and it proves that DB is actually higher up on the totem pole by now. It would be really weird for WWE to turn Orton heel given that he's got a movie coming, but stranger things have happened, and this is a turn that needed to come anyway. For me, it's a net positive all around.

The rest of the card wasn't much to speak of. Cole's tease about us knowing “more” about the Wyatt Family turned out not to be true, and it's not really a huge deal. And the rest of the card was quite underwhelming. Nothing was exactly worth your time here, other than the main event, which you may want to check out on the YouTubes or the Hulus or something.

That's it from me, and I've got a splitting headache, so I'm going to call it a night. I had plans tonight after the recap, but maybe I'll just hit the sack early. No matter when you sleep, come on back for Rick's recap of RAW on Tuesday, and I'll see you next week again for SmackDown.

Episode Grade: C+


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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