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Sheamus is Such a Bully
May 26, 2013

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
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Welcome to my first recap from the Hulu edition of SmackDown! Unlike RAW, the timing shouldn't be an issue, since we actually get the whole episode. I'm indirectly giving Rick some of that sweet, sweet ad revenue since I now have to consult his recaps every week to get the whole story.
I suppose I take the bad with the good here: I didn't have to watch two squash matches on the Hulu edition, but they also cut out Layla spanking AJ, which pretty much makes it the greatest match ever in the history of RAW. Also: a grope that speaks for itself...

Want to touch the heinie 

Obviously, if Hulu ever cuts out any segment with My Rosa Mendes, I'll be forced to throw a brick through my window, then sue them for the glass replacement. Hopefully that won't happen... but hopefully we'll see an AJ vs. Rosa match in the near future. In Dayton. In my living room.

Bah, enough fantasy. Let's get to SmackDown!

Segment 1: Sadly, we are once again starting with The Miz, hosting Miz TV. In other words: a segment I can't possibly give a shit about, and a segment I'm going to shorthand.

Miz blathers, Fandango and Summer Rae hit the ring, Miz blathers some more, replay of the tag match on Monday, I finally notice that Summer Rae's boobs are awfully (perhaps unnaturally) perky, Fandango makes some lame generic threats, Miz gooses the fans to chant “Bag of Skittles!” at Fandango, Fandango makes more lame generic threats.

And then Wade Barrett arrives, and I have to respectfully disagree with my OO colleague: I like his new music. I agree it's a forgettable rock riff, but I think it's still better than his last one, and the “God save the queen” line at the beginning makes it “his” more so than some generic rock by itself. [Ed. Note: I think my issue was more that I wasted the time to finally let his old theme seep in and become familiar. Familiarity isn't the same as quality, but it's like the proverbial comfortable old shoe. Now I have to break in a whole new shoe that's not really any better than the old one. It's like homework.]

Anyway... Wade hits the ramp and blathers, hits the ring and continues to insult Fandango, gives a good insult (“Cross my path again, and I'll break every tooth in your head”), Miz blathers, Miz makes threats since he and Wade are facing each other tonight, Wade punches Miz in the face. A brawl ensues, and one of the refs whose name I don't know finally comes to break it up.

Miz is insulted, and he's already dressed to compete, so everyone's all “Let's do this now!” But first, commercials.

Segment 2 [Singles Match for the Intercontinental Title]: The Miz defeats Wade Barrett by disqualification, but Barrett retains. The match was decent but nothing special, and awfully short. Fandango was on commentary, then popped up halfway through the match to dance with Summer Rae. Both guys were offended, but still tried to concentrate on the match. Then Miz saw an opening and did a baseball slide, sending Fandango crashing against the commentators' table.

In the ring, Miz seemed ready to win, as he started the Figure Four. Wade had it scouted and literally kicked Miz in the butt, sending into the middle ropes into the 619 position. That's when Fandango recovered enough to do his nifty little flip up kick, thus giving Miz the DQ.

Post-Segment 2: After the match, Wade and Fandango double-teamed beating the crap out of Miz. Then Barrett hit Fandango with the Bullhammer Elbow. Yay?

Segment 3: Daniel Bryan is in the back, somewhat seething. Kane arrives and tries to give him a pep talk, but DB isn't having it: he totally knows what everyone is thinking, but he is not the weak link! DB storms away, and Kane looks frustrated but concerned, because in this relationship, the dude with a mask and fire superpowers is the voice of reason.

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: Daniel Bryan (w/ Kane) defeats Jack Swagger (w/ Zeb Colter) by submission. Good match, but a bit short. DB heard voices in his head toward the end and could have ended it with a pin, but he desperately wanted to prove his own worth, so he slapped on the No Lock. Swagger tried to fight it, but surprisingly tapped. DB continued the hold, and it took Kane and the ref to pull him off. He then reapplied it, and I figured that he would get DQ'ed post-match, but nope: the win is official, and DB is super-stoked that he's not the weak link. Kane, however, still looks concerned for DB's mental health.

Segment 5: RAW recap of the opening of RAW.

Segment 6: Smash-cut from that to the ring, where Damien Sandow is wearing a bitching suit. Seriously, I usually hate pinstripes, and man, that suit is awesome.

So Sandow is here, in the ring, with Matt Striker and a table. He says that the Sheamus and Mark Henry “contests of strength” from the last few weeks have been retarded, so he's here to give us something that doesn't just appeal to the lowest common denominator.

So he regales us with the tale of Gordian's Knot, and there is a heavily knotted rope on the table. So Sandow gooses Striker, the former teacher, mind you, to attempt to untie the Gordian Knot. He fails, and Sandow congratulates him on renewing his idiot license, which seems to be something I would say. “Call Washington: I just figured out the problem with the education system!” Ha!

Sheamus then hits the ring, says he's totally awesome at Rubik's Cubes, and volunteers himself to solve the Gordian Knot. Sandow is fine with it, so he watches (rather impatiently) as Sheamus seems like he's making progress. Well, Sandow isn't having that, so he yanks it out of Sheamus's hand and demonstrates the solution. He produces a set of hedge trimmers, then cuts it. The crowd boos, but even Sheamus applauds the outside-the-box solution. And Sandow celebrates with the rope as if it's a title, including holding it over his head like he won the WWE Championship. We're welcome.

Sheamus continues to compliment Sandow's brilliance, then tries to kick his head off. But Sandow dodges, laughs, and says he totally knew Sheamus would do that! Sheamus always goes after the physical solution when he can't deal with the mental challenge. But hey, he's surrounded by the fans, so Sheamus is so totally not alone in his idiocy!

Sheamus puts an arm around Matt Striker, and says that once again, Sandow is totally smart. But Sheamus doesn't mind learning lessons, because that's how we progress as people. In that vein, he's totally going to teach Sandow about Newton's Law... by picking up Matt and throwing him at Sandow. Hooray! That's how not to be a bully: by picking up an innocent bystander and throwing him at a guy who's smarter than you!

Even worse: Sheamus threw him a little rough, and Striker didn't exactly land clean, since he caught his feet on the middle rope. Striker was holding his right arm, which is exactly where he landed pretty rough. I hope that was just selling and not an actual injury.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Chris Jericho defeats Big Show by countout. Solid match, in fact better than I would have expected it to be, ever. Show seemed to be on the path to victory, but Jericho slipped out of every attempted finishing sequence.

The final sequence was unique, with Jericho trying the Walls in the ring after an out-of-nowhere DDT counter. Show fought off the Walls attempt and hit a sort of throwing chokeslam. Jericho tumbled out of the ring after the hit, but Show chased him. Out there, Jericho countered a lawn dart throw to shove Show face-first into the ring post. As Show tried to shake off the cobwebs from that, Jericho hit the Codebreaker. Show kind of oversold, tumbling all the way into the timekeeper's area. Show did recover, but not in time.

Post-Segment 7: Show doesn't take losses well, so he stole Lilian Garcia's chair, then started for the ring. Jericho saw it though, so he delivered a baseball slide to send the chair into Show's gut. Jericho slid out of the ring, picked up the chair, and whacked Show in the back with it. Show had enough humiliation for one night, so he just left ringside and headed up the ramp.

Awesome finish; didn't think they'd go that way, and it's not very often that WWE surprises me anymore.

Segment 8: RAW recap of the “debut” of Curtis Axel.

Segment 9: Paul Heyman and Axel hit the ring to blather. Or more accurately, Heyman blathers while Axel stands around doing beard things. Axel finally takes the mic to brag about how he totally kicked Triple H's ass on Monday, and how he totally won that match even though it was a no contest.

Segment 10 [Singles Match]: Curtis Axel (w/ Paul Heyman) defeats Sin Cara (w/ Jack O' Lantern lighting) by pin. Meh. Cara was Cara, whether you love him or hate him. Personally, I like him, so I wasn't upset to see him for the first time in God knows how many months.

Match was pretty dry, with the final sequence being Cara whiffing on a top rope high-angle cross body. As he staggered up from that, Axel ran in with a one-handed snap twisting neckbreaker, which is pretty sweet as a finisher. And so it was, because one pin later, Axel has his first (or second?) official win. Good for momentum.

Segment 11 [Singles Match for the United States Title]: Kofi Kingston defeats Dean Ambrose by disqualification. Match was short, and pretty much a reverse-squash. Kofi did all the work, but when it looked like he might win, Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns arrived. Kofi fought them off at first, but then they slid in the ring and started beating the crap out of him.

Post-Segment 11: Randy Orton and Sheamus hit the ring in turn to make the save, and forced The Shield to run off... to ringside only?

Oh, here comes Teddy Long to announce the obvious, instant six-man tag match. Alrighty then.

Segment 12 [Six-Man Tag Match]: The Shield defeats Kofi Kingston, Randy Orton, & Sheamus by pin. Damn fine match, worthy of finding on the YouTubes. The final sequence was a finisher clusterfuck, along with several subtle tactics for the heels to bring the numbers game to play. Ambrose finished it with the forward step spike faceplant.

Final Thoughts: A very good way to end a very mediocre night. I was honestly all set to write this off as a boring episode, but the main event saved it. Still, it's best to just say “screw it” to the rest of the episode and look up the main event.

I've got nothing else, and it's late, and I've got work in the morning, so I'm going to call it here. The Hulu experiment seems to be working well, so hopefully I can be a bit more verbose in the future.

Episode Grade: C


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