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I Want My MizTV (To Go Away, and Be Replaced by The Damien Sandow Show)
May 18, 2013

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
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It's Friday night, only four hours to go before DISH Network shuts off my service, and I still haven't seen the finale of “The Office.” (No spoilers!) I've been looking forward to it, perhaps in a perverse way, since I've long since thought it jumped the shark five seasons ago or more. Not that it's a huge deal if I can't access it from the DVR even if DISH cuts me off, since I can always fire up Hulu Plus and watch it there. That's why I got it in the first place, after all.

So let's get to SmackDown, and quickly, so I can catch the finale of The Office... and then hit the sack early. It may be Friday to you guys (and, uh, in reality), but it's the equivalent to Tuesday for me, and I've got work for the next three days. Let's roll...

Segment 1: The Miz is opening tonight, along with his boring talk show segment. I have a feeling tonight is going to be a little painful.

Miz blathers, Orton hits the ring, Big Show hits the ring, Miz blathers some more, video recap of last week's SmackDown, Show makes generic threats, Orton makes generic threats (and mispronounces the word “inaccurate”). I'm bored... Oh, here comes Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter. Can they make me invested again?

Nope... Zeb blathers with generic hype for Swagger, Alberto Del Rio appears and blathers, Mark Henry appears and blathers, Sheamus appears and blathers, then a modified 3v3 brawl happens with the faces standing in the ring. Hooray.

Here's my question: why exactly was Miz necessary for all that? Other than the first two bits of blathering, his sole job was to stand in the ring and quietly squint at whoever happened to be closest to the gorilla position at that moment. As with most things in WWE, I get why it exists—a six-man tag match that dovetails three or more separate storylines—but the execution was just awful. Or at least incredibly boring, which may be worse.

Segment 2: After commercials, Teddy Long pops out of the back and books the six-man match as tonight's main event to the surprise of absolutely nobody.

Pre-Segment 3: SIVA TAU FUCK YEAH!!! It's been way too long. I still prefer the Usos' old music, but I sincerely believe that entrance is my second-favorite of all time.

Segment 3 [Tag Match]: Roman Reigns & Seth Rollins (w/ Dean Ambrose) squash The Usos by pin. Short and necessary for the storyline, but nothing here. JBL had a neat point for once: that Siva Tau intimidates a lot of teams, but it sure isn't going to intimidate The Shield.

Post-Segment 3: After the squash, the Shield just beat the crap out of both guys. Kofi Kingston—who you might remember is taking on Dean Ambrose this weekend one-on-one—came down to make the save, quickly got his ass handed to him, and was sent packing. But Kofi has seen WWE before and knows what power is brought when one wields the Almighty Steel Chair of Godliness, so he steals Lilian Garcia's and slides back in the ring. Ambrose takes a shot in the back, and the heels bail as the Usos get back on their feet. Kofi, still feeling the rage, uses the chair to beat the shit out of one of the ring posts.

Segment 4: Long is talking to Miz in the back, basically thanking him for being back. And then Damien Sandow appears, saying that we all would be better off without him, since “then we could all bask in the glory of a host with a sense of taste and direction.” The mere idea of a Damien Sandow-hosted talk show segment moistens my boxer-briefs. He offers Long the chance to produce it, because he's welcome.

Long will think about it, but tonight, he wants to see a match out of Sandow, so he has to take on Miz. And then Long says Sandow that he's welcome. Heh. Sandow just gives a sidelong glance at Long, but never loses his smile as he leaves.

Segment 5: RAW recap of the ending.

Segment 6 [Tag Match]: Tons of Funk (w/ Funkadactyls) defeat the Prime Time Players by pin. Decent match, nothing special, and no spots to talk about.

My only note here: Naomi didn't look like herself today. So either she actually wasn't Naomi and I'm fucking blind, or she did something subtle to makeup or her hair style or something that made momentarily confused.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Chris Jericho defeats Antonio Cesaro by submission. Solid match, no spots that you wouldn't expect, but it was a very well-worked match. You'll definitely want to check this on out on YouTube or a DVR or something.

Oddly enough, Josh Mathews was back to being a heel commentator, or at least flirting as one, as he seemed pro-Cesaro throughout. Though, as Rick pointed out last week, Josh mainly piped in to play devil's advocate to something JBL said. So I'm not sure if they're actually flirting with turning Josh, or if they're just trying to give more of a counterweight to JBL's rantings.

Post-Segment 7: Fandango's music started, and Summer Raw popped out, shimmying her hips... but no Fandango. Jericho smells a rat, so he turns around just as Fandango tries to attack him from behind. Instead, the ambushed becomes the ambusher as Jericho takes down Fandango with a Lou Thesz Press. Cesaro tries to attack Jericho, which works just enough to allow Fandango the opening to escape. Cesaro ate a Codebreaker for the trouble, though.

Good stuff. I wouldn't mind seeing Cesaro getting added to the match or something, just anything to see him face Jericho again. They performed pretty damn well together.

Segment 8: Wow, another Zeb Colter public service announcement. I thought we were done with these. Shockingly, Colter brought up that the White House sucks after the IRS and Benghazi scandals. He doesn't take a position beyond “The current government sucks,” which is fine. I'm rather surprised WWE allowed them to go ahead and mention it at all, let alone comment on it... though, in the macro, given that basically everyone is pissed off at the IRS and the handling over Benghazi (as opposed to the issues behind divided on party lines), it may have been a “safe” thing to say.

Anyway, speaking of controversies, Colter thinks Dolph Ziggler is so totally not hurt. So just like the way the government is screwing real Americans, WWE is screwing Swagger too. But don't worry, because Swagger will persevere, and will send Alberto Del Rio back to the sombrero store. We the people, or something.

Pretty good bit, and it's been long enough since the last one that it didn't feel stale. Here's hoping they keep them spaced out like that.

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: The Miz defeats Damien Sandow by submission. Above-average match, but nothing you need to make time for. Cody was on commentary, and again Mathews seemed to be pro-heel here. No spots worthy of mention in the ring, and the match ended with the Figure Four.

Pre-Segment 10: Kaitlyn received another gift from her Secret Admirer, a bouquet of flowers and some black fingerless gloves with purple tiger stripes. Natalya was all, “These flowers are gorgeous and smell great and pretty!,” and Kaitlyn was all, “These gloves are bitchin' and are good for punching out eye sockets!” And then they both “Awww” like it's an 80s sitcom.

Segment 10 [Singles Match]: Kaitlyn defeats Aksana by pin. I'm pretty sure the commentators only talked about the match twice, as Josh Mathews was too busy discussing who he thought was the Secret Admirer. According to Josh, it's an ugly person, because pretty people don't need to be secret. That's why ugly people flock to eHarmony because they don't use pictures, while Match.com does use pictures, and that's where all the pretty ones are. No, I'm not making any of that up. I'm also not making up the fact that JBL and Michael Cole presently accused Mathews of sending pictures of his dick to random people at 2am, since he has no friends. I haven't seen this much pointless and disconnected bitchiness since that one time I channel surfed past the TLC Channel and caught fifteen seconds of Jersey Shore.

Anyway, the match was all right, but a bit below average. I doubt it was Kaitlyn's fault, given her sudden blooming as perhaps the third-most ring-capable woman on the roster (second-most if we admit to ourselves that Natalya hasn't had much ring work in a long while). It wasn't bad, but they didn't click, and Aksana sort of bounced around from spot to spot without a clean transition. She in fact had this one awkward moment where she had Kaitlyn on her face, and then planted a knee in the small of her back while posting like a delicate swan spreading her wings. I'm not sure if that was supposed to be a pin attempt and Aksana simply forgot to roll Kaitlyn over or what, but it was weird.

The match ended when Kaitlyn shoved Aksana off the ropes and hit her with a stiff as fuck Spear, which Kaitlyn is becoming scarily good at. Or rather, is scarily good at. I'm not sure I could take a Kaitlyn Spear without vomiting up shards of my broken rib cage.

Segment 11: RAW recap of Triple H's promo.

Segment 12: Another trailer for the stupidly named 12 Rounds II: Reloaded.

Segment 13 [Six-Man Tag Match]: Randy Orton, Sheamus, & Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) defeat Jack Swagger, Big Show, & Mark Henry (w/ Zeb Colter) by pin. I don't know, man. Sometimes, between reader e-mails and Rick's editors notes, I start to wonder if I'm getting burned out. Because in a match like this, with the six top names in the company not named “Punk” or “Cena,” I only found myself giving any sort of shit about Sheamus, and only in an offhand way. The crowd was super hot, and the match was competently performed, but I was just bored.

Not to make this about me, but maybe it's because I'm simply not invested in any of the stories for Extreme Rules coming up on Sunday. The interplay of the personalities and players should be intriguing, but I just don't care. The match, which was pure formula and technically executed well, couldn't hold my attention. I found myself looking for more clues as to what exactly is going on with Mathews than I was with any of the in-ring action.

Still, again: the match was done well, and if you're a fan of any of the players here, it's probably worth checking out. But there were certainly no high spots or anything else that turns this into a should- or must-watch.

The ending sequence was a nice bit of “finisher clusterfuck.” It started with Sheamus making a hot tag to Orton as Swagger (who was the legal heel) was staggered. Orton hit several of his signature moves, and Henry came in to level him. Sheamus entered the ring to help, but Show just pushed him face-first over the top rope.

The heels looked like they were in control, and Henry decided to talk shit on the apron. So ADR entered the ring and crossed it to get to Henry, then hit him with his step-up enziguri. Just about at the same time, Sheamus floored Show with a Brogue Kick outside the ring. ADR tried another step-up enziguri to Swagger, but Swagger ducked it and held on to the ankle for the Patriot Act. But he forgot about Orton, who was still legal, who hit an RKO. Swagger wasn't getting up, and no one else could make the save, so that was that.

Final Thoughts: And that's the show, with the faces standing tall in the ring. Using the Attitude Era SmackDown Rule, that doesn't bode well for them on Sunday, but we'll see.

I don't have anything more to say, and I'm now tired enough that I may wait until tomorrow for The Office if I can avoid spoilers. I'll see you next week for SmackDown, while Rick will have the Extreme Rules recap shortly after it ends on Sunday, soon followed by his triumphant return as the regular RAW recapper! It'll be like my recaps, except with 50% more analysis and 100% fewer references to Rosa Mendes!

Episode Grade: C-


SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises
RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It
PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012
RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot
RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning
RAW RECAP: Say My Name
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again
RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?
PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012
RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes
RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?
RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne
SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening
RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000
PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown
RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch
RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits
RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB
RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone
PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012
RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts
RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass
RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him
RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge
PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella
RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto
RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?
RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve
PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs
RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?
SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted
RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?
RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk
SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang
RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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