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Introducing Every Tag Team's Worst Nightmare
April 20, 2013

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
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on Twitter --/-- View Pyro's Videos on Youtube


I've got nothing to talk about this week. Or better put, what I've got to talk about isn't fit for public consumption. I've got thoughts on Boston (I've got CNN in a picture-in-picture while I'm doing this), but I don't want to talk about that around here. And I've got a little something-something that happened in my personal life, but general manners stop me from doing that too.

I... uh... I bought an official hat for the New England Revolution, so I'm a super fan now, or something. So, there's that. I guess.

Oh! I did promise I'd talk about the pasta salad! It was pretty good: as I said on Monday, it's really hard to screw it up, since the only thing you actually “cook” is the pasta. I had a friend over to split it with, so I didn't add the black olives, and the initial batch had too much pasta and too little chicken and cheese, and I had totally forgotten the bacon. But that wasn't a big deal: I added what I had neglected, mixed it up, and it was great! 

I'll need to find where I can get my hands on some of that Pine Club House Dressing that Rick was pimping, but otherwise it turned out well. [Ed. Note: all the Krogers in the area sell it. But not in the dressing aisle; it's in the produce region, near the bagged salads.] Next time, I'll know the proper mixture of ingredients, and I'll actually add the black olives.

My favorite choice was that I went with sliced onions rather than diced onions. Some people don't like onions, or don't like them too strong, but I love them so much that I'll eat them raw (which explains why My Rosa Mendes hasn't thrown her panties at me yet). I didn't use much, maybe three layers total from half of a white onion, but I just cut it along its natural ridges and tossed in the slices. It gave each pasta salad bite a chance of having an intense little kick, and it was delicious. And as I've said before, infinitely more healthy than fast food (though arguably more expensive, given all the ingredients). It's probably not something feasible for every week, but it'll awesome for special occasions.

In the meantime, I've got ten pounds of potatoes since those are cheap, healthy, and easily stretched into meals, and I'm about 98% sure that's going to be my dinner tonight. [Ed. Note: why not take your next Kitchen Babystep and do a Potato Salad? May I suggest my award-winning Loaded Baked Potato Salad? Honest: I have a certificate and everything! Just use sour cream instead of mayo. And then add in stuff you'd put on a baked potato: cheese, bacon, and some green onions. Don't forget the secret ingredient: while the potatoes are still warm, pour some of the liquid buttery spray stuff on them, and let it seep in for an hour or so in the fridge, before adding everything else. Voila: undertones of butteriness, but it doesn't re-harden or create a gross/creepy mouth-feel when it chills, like real butter does.] But for now, it's SmackDown time, so let's roll!

Segment 1: Fandango of all people is opening the show... or more accurately, first to pop out onto the stage is Pyro's Vaguely Hispanic Backup Fantasy Girl, who is clearly not the original one. This one is a bit more vaguely Hispanic, with slightly darker skin, longer hair, and angrier eyebrows. I prefer the original recipe, but I wouldn't kick this one out of bed. But I still want to know her name, damnit! (Or, even better, make me really happy and just call up My Melina to take her place, since a hottie as flexible as she is could probably easily learn how to do those basic dance moves.)

After Fandango does his full entrance and dismisses PVHBFG, he hits on Lilian Garcia, and totally wants to dip her. He also wants to know if she's “Fandangoed before,” since “it feels good... it feels real good!” She starts to leave in disgust, but he just Don Drapers that shit and forces her to twirl a few times. He dips her, declares that she sucks at dancing, and drops her on her awesome ass. Boo!

He follows that up with some cheap heat, since we all mock his name and his dance, and he says he's going to make her pronounce his name right. But then Santino Marella appears, calls him “Fandingle,” then verbally becomes Lilian's white knight. Santino does compliment Fandango's moves, then Broadly Gestures jacking off for the Houston Texans cheerleaders Fandangoing. Ugh.

So then Santino puts on the cobra sock and does his own version of ballroom dancing, a video that needs to be shown to medical personnel to educate them on what a grade 4 seizure looks like. Fandango isn't impressed and charges Santino, but Santino hits the canvas and takes the top rope with him, making Fandango throw himself over the top rope.

Almost forgot to mention that even though WWE really tried to pimp “Fandangoing” during his entrance, it seemed the vast majority of the crowd isn't doing it. That's for the best... Like I said on Monday, videos and things that go viral due so organically; you can't force a viral trend.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Fandango (w/ PVHBFG) defeats Santino Marella by pin. Despite chants of “You can't wrestle!,” the match was competent. Nothing really noteworthy, except Johnny Curtis has a new finisher from the ground. It's basically a dance twirl followed by a dip, except the “dip” is more of a forward backbreaker using his knee as fulcrum. But then he holds that for a split-second, then snaps backward, making the victim faceplant the canvas. So... a reverse modified backbreaker to reverse falling face-crusher? I think?

Whatever... it works and it's credible, and Fandango deserved the pin.

Segment 3: Booker T and Teddy Long are once again having a spat in the back. Then Big Show arrives and thanks Teddy Long for giving him a tag partner tonight, instead of putting him in yet another handicap match, so he thanks him, and leaves.

Booker T is pissed; he feels his power grasp slowly slipping away.

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: Kofi Kingston defeats Wade Barrett by pin. Barrett continues his spotty record here in a decent-but-nothing-special loss to Kofi. Kofi won after reversing leverage on an awkward pin attempt, which just upset Barrett.

Segment 5: Mark Henry is walking in the back. The new interview girl stops him to ask him why he's been such a jerk to Sheamus, and he says that attacking people blindly is just what he does. And then Sheamus appears out of nowhere and Spears Henry through a table and barricade. Sheamus stands over him and screams “And that's what I do... fella!” before scampering off.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) defeats Jack Swagger (w/ Zeb Colter) by pin. Above-average match, and ridiculously long one, but not as good as their WrestleMania effort. I checked the DVR: it was 17 minutes long, but it felt like 30. I don't watch WWE with a stopwatch like certain wankers out there, but this one just felt twice as long as it really was... was it bad pacing, or is it in my head?

It was an open match with good action, kept clean and with little interference from the cornermen, but... I don't know, I just wasn't into it. Plenty of finisher attempts, counter and re-counters, and the last minute was solid with an out-of-nowhere pin reversal to secure the win. The fans were into it, which helped. I suppose, YouTube it and judge for yourself?

Segment 7: RAW recap of Ryback's explanation for his turn.

Segment 8: After Segment 7, the commentators discuss the turn, and then The Shield appears on the Titantron with a smash-cut. They lightly mock John Cena, then insult and threaten the Undertaker to hype their match for this Monday.

Pre-Segment 8: RRRRRROOOSSSAAA!!! She and PVHBFG should have a dance off.

Also: apparently, the following match is happening because My Rosa cut Natalya off while they were trying to park in the parking garage, because wrestling.

Segment 9 [Six-Person Mixed Tag Match]: Khali, Hornswoggle, & Hornswoggle defeat Primo, Epico, & My Rosa Mendes by pin. Comedy feel-good match, nothing to talk about here.

Segment 10: RAW recap of Punk's possible face or tweener turn.

Segment 11: RAW recap of Brock Lesnar destroying 3MB, and Paul Heyman's proxy challenge to Triple H.

Segment 12 [Tag Match]: Big Show & Mark Henry defeat Randy Orton & Sheamus by pin. Decent match, nothing special. The crowd was into it, and Sheamus took turns being the Early Offense Face and the Face in Peril. Orton tried to be the savior but took a chokeslam, and that was that.

After the match, Henry and Show seemed to be on the same page, which could make for one hell of a scary team. I doubt it's permanent, but it'll be interesting.

Final Thoughts: A short recap to a boring show. I don't know if it was just in my head, as I said earlier, but it just didn't seem all that thrilling. There wasn't much value-add here: no stories really advanced or were added, and it seemed tonight's SD had a fairly strong RAW focus. ADR/Swagger had the most meaning, and clearly ADR has now firmly stepped up in line over Swagger to re-challenge for Dolph's title, despite it being a triple threat match now at Extreme Rules... it's good for momentum, if nothing else.

So... whatever. It was what it was, and I feel it's worthy of being skipped. Other than that, enjoy your weekend, and I'll catch you on the other side for RAW!

Episode Grade: C-


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