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Buy: Fandango. Hold: Kofi. Sell: 3MB.
April 13, 2013

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
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You know how a couple weeks ago, I said that I wasn't a technodouche, and that I wasn't sure what exactly I'd be using my phone for? Well, electronic serendipity happened, and now, I'm apparently an app guy. I'm apping the hell out of it.

Part of it is Rick's fault, of course, since he graciously invited me into the OO Fantasy Baseball League. In an effort to make an impression and, you know, not suck, I downloaded the free app to connect me to the league so I can check on the Triple Playas when I'm not home. I half-succeeded: I certainly did make an impression! ...by being the first and only team to go 0-14 in the first week. Good thing I'm a Cubs fan, or that kind of record would be depressing!

(I'm tempted to drop Roy Halladay, but dropping your first draft pick is like admitting you have no idea what you're doing, and I'm not quite that far gone yet.)

But then my iPod also broke, and like an idiot, I momentarily considered getting another one. See, I've got iTunes, and it didn't cross my mind at first that someone may have solved the issue of iTunes not syncing with Android devices. One simple Google search (and a little verification) later, I downloaded the “doubleTwist” app (ridiculous capitalization as presented), and now all my music is transferred safely on my phone, including playlists, that I can rock out to on the commute or lunch breaks. That's one fewer electronic device I'm carrying around, and $149 I've saved for not being stupid.

And I downloaded a Solitaire app. Because, you know... solitaire. Yeah. [Ed. Note: for some reason, I consider solitaire to be a strictly PC game. I can only get my Freecell on if I'm using a mouse, for some reason. But I have three different Sudoku apps on my Device. And I use two of them on an almost daily basis. So.... yeah, there's that as evidence to prove I'm sliding down the slippery Technodouche Slope.]

Now that I'm home, I'll be checking on the Triple Playas on my computer, since even the best app pales in comparison to a website on a desktop computer browser. But before I see how many stat categories I'm losing in today, I've got a recap to write. Let's get to SmackDown!

Segment 1: First one out onto the stage tonight is... uh, Big E. Langston? Really? Oh, he's pulling a Ricardo Rodriguez by giving a flowery introduction to Dolph Ziggler, including holding the “O” for like a half-hour. Clearly, the crowd is no longer the awesome one from Monday, since the fans are generally booing him and Dolph.

Dolph has basically no voice as he tries to cut a promo, and it's, uh, a pretty face-alignment promo. He puts himself over, but he mostly talks about how awesome the crowd was for cheering for him, especially in a match he wasn't even in (Alberto Del Rio vs. Jack Swagger at WrestleMania).

Oh, and then he swerves: the only person he needs to thank for his win is himself! Because everyone has always been jealous of him, because his girlfriend is hotter and his teeth are whiter. But we'll never be better than him!

And here comes Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter, unexpectedly. Zeb introduces himself to Dolph, then wants to point out an inconvenient truth (see what I did there for no logical reason?): Dolph only won the title from ADR on Monday because Swagger and Colter faced ADR in a handicap match, and Swagger beat the holy hell out of ADR's ankle. Ergo, because Swagger essentially “gave” the title to Dolph by proxy, Swagger should be the #1 contender.

Dolph doesn't buy it. He says that Swagger had his shot at WrestleMania and failed, so he's at the back of the line. Loud cheers.

Swagger isn't happy, so he starts up the stairs... but since Langston is there, in addition to Dolph, he decides discretion is the better part of valor. Zeb follows up that Dolph really needs to consider the offer, but that Swagger won't wait long.

Dolph dismisses him and tells the Truck Monkeys to cut the music, then resumes his promo that we'll never be better than him. And then it's Del Rio himself who pops out, dressed in civvies (jeans and a suit jacket? What the hell?). Dolph taunts him and invites his limping ass to the ring for his guaranteed rematch.

But ADR isn't here to fight or even be an ass: he's here to congratulate Dolph on the win; after all, it's how ADR won the WWE Title. But he insists that once his ankle heals up, he'll get his rematch then, and it'll totally be Dolph who bitches and moans!

ADR's music plays, but Dolph again screams at the Truck Monkeys to cut it off. He's sick and tired of being interrupted! So the next person who pops out of gorilla will see just why he's the World Heavyweight Champion!


Huge pop, and that's a bitching new shirt Jericho is wearing, although I can't read the back (which very well may ruin it). CJ leads the crowd into screaming “AJ's crazy!” over and over, which drives her to tears into Dolph's chest. Blathering ensues, he names Dolph's fans “Dolphins,” then forwards the message from Booker T that Dolph's first match as champion will be tonight on SmackDown against him. And after that match, Dolph will NNNEEEVVVEEERRR be the same a-gain!

Ugh. I love that catchphrase, but whenever Jericho does it, it always looks like that he's going to snap that tendon in his neck. “NNNEEE—oh god! Oh god, my neck! It's as worthless as a training bra on Mark Henry!”

…I now hate myself for that mental image.

Segment 2 [Tag Match]: Team Friendship defeats the Prime Time Players by pin. Short match, pretty much an extended squash, to show their dominance and the fact that they're on the same page. I'm eating crow from my WrestleMania preview, since I didn't think they could go much farther in the current gimmick, but here we are.

Post-Segment 2: And instantly after their match, The Shield appears on the Titantron to talk shit. Nothing noteworthy, but it pisses off Kane enough to blow his corner pyros in anger.

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Wade Barrett defeats Santino Marella by pin. Solid match for what it was. A very cute spot early that led to the in-match mini-story, where Wade knocked Santino down with a shoulder block, and he screamed “Get up!” Santino tried a kip-up... and failed. You can tell it's an intentional botch, and it's adorable from him. After a second fail, Barrett slapped on a chinlock, but Santino started his comeback. Winds of Change, failed pin, but then Santino finally kipped up! Five Moves of Doom, failed pin, and then a big boot and Bullhammer Elbow out of nowhere.

Segment 4: WWE did stuff in New York and New Jersey for WrestleMania 29.

Segment 5: Sheamus finds Booker T and Teddy Long in their office. Sheamus is pissed about Booker T's booking decisions last week, but before Booker can stammer out a reply, Randy Orton appears asking the same question. Well, in the most retarded way possible, such as: “To what end, why?”

Blathering ensues, and Books makes a handicap match, teaming Sheamus and Orton against Big Show tonight.

Pre-Segment 6: We've got a six-diva tag match, and the face team consists of the Funkadactyls, who basically do the Ass Voltron to the hips of their partner, Kaitlyn. For one fleeting moment, Rick was distracted enough that I could have traded one of my fantasy players for his entire team. [Ed. Note: Truth.]

Segment 6 [Six-Diva Tag Match]: The Bella Twins & Tamina defeat the Funkadactyls & Kaitlyn by pin. Super-time-compressed here. Heel beatdown sequence immediately, with Tamina flooring Kaitlyn and sending Cameron flying off the apron. But then Kaitlyn Speared Tamina out of nowhere and tried a pin. Brie came broke it up, but then Kaitlyn Speared her.

Tamina tagged out to Nikki, but Kaitlyn instantly threw her to the face corner and tagged in Naomi. Naomi didn't get Johnny Ace's memo that the divas are supposed to lack talent, so she started off with a vaulting springboard cross body (a la Rey Mysterio), followed by a rebound flying lariat with a flip (a la Undertaker in his prime), followed by a botched running headscissors that turned into leg-delivered arm drag (a la a drunk Alberto Del Rio). I'd advise her to drink decaf, but I'm too entertained. Sure, she follows all that up with the Ass-To-Mouth (a la Kelly Kelly), but nobody's perfect.

Still, her momentum was cut short by Brie, and we got into the Pier Six Brawl. And then Nikki does a half-missionary pin on Naomi for, uh, no reason. Seriously, the final move on Naomi was Brie pulling Naomi's ankle on the second rope so she slammed the back of her head into the canvas. I mean, that would hurt like a bitch, but that's not normally enough to put someone down for a three-count in professional wrestling. Weird.

Decent overall, but I wish this match would have gone on another five minutes, and not just for the obvious reasons.

Segment 7: Triple H is here, and he's wanting to talk. I take a pee break, because I know how these things usually go.

Trips starts to put himself over, and I start to get bored... and then 3MB pops out? What in the blue hell? Heath Slater has the balls to tell Trips to “shut up and listen,” which is probably just about the dumbest thing he's done. 3MB reasons that they need to make an impact by pulling a Shield and jumping Trips right now, and they're totally going to “rock his faith.”

So they surround the ring, they get on the apron... and then The Shield actually does appear. They surround the ring... and beat the shit out of 3MB? Roman Reigns even back body drops Drew McIntyre onto the mats, which must have hurt bad, especially given that D-Mc didn't really land right.

But even though Shield had their momentary cheers, they then set their sights on Trips himself. But then Team Friendship hits the ring, and The Shield bails as they always do when they don't have the numbers.

So, huh. I guess Trips doesn't get to talk after all.

Segment 8: Big Show arrives in Booker T's office. Blathering ensues, and Show implies that he should just walk out of the show thanks to his ironclad contract. Books, losing his temper, goes ahead and invites him to do so because he'll freeze the “ironclad contract in court for so long it becomes rusted and worthless.” Meaningless phrase, but neat nonetheless. Books tells him, essentially, to shut up and nut up, and Show leaves without another word.

Another thing going on that I didn't mention the first time around is the increasing tension between Books and Teddy Long, as T-Long isn't that keen on being Books's whipping boy. They continue their squabbling here, and Long even storms out before Show opens his mouth. I doubt this is really significant, but we'll see.

Pre-Segment 9: Time for the handicap match. Orton is out first with his ribs all taped. He doesn't sell it, doesn't sell it, hits the Ultimate Pose Douchebaggery, doesn't sell it, looks around, then remembers to sell it, even though if it really hurt as bad as he let on, the UPOD would have ripped his muscles in half. Way to go, Viper!

Segment 9 [1-on-2 Handicap Tag Match]: Randy Orton & Sheamus defeat Big Show by intentional countout. Show had most of the offense, mostly because the story here was that the faces couldn't get on the same page. This culminated in a strong Spear from Show to Sheamus.

Show then stalked Orton, but he hit an RKO out of nowhere, basically his first and only move of the match. After a short pause, Sheamus delivered a Brogue Kick, sending Show out of the ring. Show took until the seven-count to recover, but as he saw Orton and Sheamus in the ring and taunting him to come back, Show decided to leave. Jerk.

Segment 10: After commercials, Sheamus and Orton are wandering the back, and the new interview girl wants to talk to Sheamus. Orton runs off, and Sheamus says that in his time with WWE, he knows that it doesn't matter how strong you are, it's all about heart!

And then Mark Henry comes out of nowhere and shoves him into a catering table, wasting a bunch of food and causing Sheamus to oversell his right thigh. (Or maybe not, since that was the point of impact to the edge of the table, and it couldn't have felt good.) So... new feud? [Ed. Note: I don't know about a whole new feud, but was thinking more along the lines of an expansion of what's currently going on. If they're going back to the prickly-heat break-up story between Orton/Sheamus -- which was in its early stages back in January -- then adding Mark Henry to the mix allows them to have tag matches in the near future. So maybe it's just a deal where you push them closer, as partners, so the break up actually seems more important when it happens. Plus, Big Show and Mark Henry as a tag team is, like, 3000 lbs of bad-ass in a 1000 lbs package. That's a bonus.]

Segment 11 [Singles Match]: Kofi Kingston defeats Antonio Cesaro by pin. Very good match, well above-average and an unexpected result. Fast pace, and I'm not entirely sure anyone got off a move without a counter or re-counter in the interim. Solid stuff, and the final sequence was slick...

Kofi was on the top rope and went for his signature high-angle flying cross body. Cesaro caught him however, and tried to get him in position for the Neutralizer. Kofi slipped out and pushed Cesaro from the back, sending him chest-first into the corner. Cesaro somewhat stopped himself, but as he turned around, he ate the Trouble in Paradise. Pin, three, done, and I guess Kofi's star is back on the rise as he hunts for the United States Title? Or something?

Story (and lack of entrances for either guy) aside, this was a great effort, and I'll be jazzed to see round two between them.

Pre-Segment 12: Well, it seems something the crowd did on Monday stuck. This crowd sings along (with aerial finger guns!) to Fandango's entrance theme, and the commentators shut the hell up. Apparently, according Josh Mathews, this practice is calling it “Fandangoing.” What the hell? [Ed. Note: he called it that, because that's what twitter decided to call it. It's the new Tebowing. Yes, this is an inherently evil thing, but then again, there's this, from the Houston Texans' Cheerleaders: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HGgvBfbohQ0 . I'd rather they try to set the new world record for Ass Voltronning, but the enthusiastic Fandangoing w/ finger pistols is pretty cute, too. Dibs on the blonde in the pink top!]

Oh, and it seems that Fandango is only out here to scout, because we're going into the title match. By the way, Dolph wears the title belt backwards... why? So when he does the Ass Cheek Orbit of Alleged Sexiness, the belt's face is prominently displayed on his rear. It appears a heel has finally done something to piss off and offend JBL.

Segment 12 [Singles Match]: Dolph Ziggler (w/ AJ & Big E. Langston) defeats Chris Jericho by pin. Solid match, but nothing noteworthy. The whole thing was a clusterfuck against Jericho, since he had to contend with distractions from Langston, AJ, and even Fandango. The numbers eventually stopped him, and he took a cheap pin defeat after Langston did a cheap shot behind the ref's back.

Post-Segment 12: After the match, Langston wanted a piece of Jericho. Jericho fought him off for a second, but then Fandango again got involved to cause a distraction. Dolph hit Jericho with the Zig Zag, and Langston recovered and hit Jericho with The Big Ending. Dolph and crew posed over his body, then left.

Then Fandango entered the ring, did some mounted punches, then hit his finisher, the leg drop off the top rope, then pronounced his name for us as his music closed the show. Huh.

Poor Jericho. Has to deal with three consecutive finishers, followed by the crowd's tone-deaf humming.

Final Thoughts: Decent episode. It added a couple feuds, fueled others, and gives us a sorta-tweener Dolph Ziggler. Good stuff.

I really don't have anything to add that I haven't already said (and that any Editor's notes also already covered), so I'm going to cut out early. Enjoy your weekend, everyone!

Episode Grade: B-


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