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Girl Power
March 23, 2013

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
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I feel drained. I'm tired of being tired, and I'm at the end of my rope. I've weened myself off caffeine, and I'm trying to be good and healthy by drinking a lot of water. But the fatigue is really getting to me, and I may fall off the Pepsi wagon if I'm not careful.
Because I can't really afford a trip to the doctor's right now, let me pose a crowd-sourcing question to you all. Is it possible—however likely or unlikely—that allergies can be so intense that it makes me tired? It's so difficult for me to breathe for eight months out of the year that, typically, I can only breathe through one nostril at a time until my sinuses drain to the other side (at which point I'm still only breathing through one nostril, just the other one)? I'm enough of a dork that I resist the instinct to mouth-breathe usually, for better or worse.

I suppose what I'm really asking at this point is, if I can't take in enough oxygen minute-to-minute, can that be what's keeping me fatigued? I started feeling sluggish a few weeks ago, and that was when the pollen kicked up around here, but I'm not sure if I'm looking at causation or correlation.

I know my breathing is so bad that I was once tested for it at a doctor's office when I was 14. They had me breathe into this tube that made... uh... water bubble, or something. I think. (That was 16 years ago, pardon my crappy memory!) My breathing was so weak that the nurses accused me twice of smoking, even going so far as to say “We can't tell your mom if you smoke because of doctor-patient secrecy, and we won't get you in trouble! Just admit that you smoke!” But I didn't smoke then, and I still don't smoke; I've never smoked a cigarette or cigar of any kind in all my life, and yet my breathing sucks anyway.

I always figured this is something I can't do much about. I'm fine in bursts—I was able to officiate baseball and football games without much difficulty once I got in shape for the season—but I can't do any extended exercise because I just can't get the oxygen in me. And it's been this way since I was in my teens, regardless of my weight and muscles. If in fact all this crap is a result of simply not getting enough oxygen due to allergies, I just might take the financial kick to my balls and try to get a more permanent solution.

I know I always feel great in the winter, or at least when the pollen count is low. I feel more energetic, and when I breathe easier, I can do more physical activity. But again... causation or correlation? When it comes to trying to find a solution, that's an important distinction.

Okay, I'll breathlessly await your e-mails (ha! See what I did there?), and in the meantime, I'll type up this recap for SmackDown...

Segment 1: WWE is in Cincinnati, and we old-open to the ring, where Miz TV is going on with Randy Orton and Sheamus as guests. And because of how boring these segments have become, we're short-handing here...

Miz blathers, Orton blathers and takes a full minute to say he wants Big Show to replace Ryback, Sheamus disagrees because he doesn't trust Show, Orton says he totally doesn't trust any of them but they gotta do what they gotta do, Big Show hits the ring, Show blathers, Sheamus blathers (with a little mutual respect but mostly distrust), Show gets pissed, Orton ironically tries to play the peacemaker, Miz calls him on bullshit.

Booker T hits the stage and blathers, then makes a six-man tag match but doesn't name opponents, can you dig that, done.

There, I just saved you a good eleven minutes. Ugh.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Mark Henry squashes Zack Ryder by pin. Whatever.

Post-Segment 2: Henry added two World's Strongest Slams to Ryder just to be a jerk, and then Ryback hit the ring. They glared at each other from opposite corners, Henry made some threats, and they charged each other at the same time... and Ryback got the advantage with his Meathook Clothesline. Henry immediately bailed and bitched up the ramp, but nothing more.

Segment 3: Cut to the back, and Booker T is in his office. Teddy Long arrives and asks if Books is proud of him for making the Ryback/Henry match with Vickie Guerrero's help. Books likes the match, but isn't fond of Long going behind his back to Vickie to do it. Why the hell is Long seeking Booker's approval anyway? Long was a GM himself for freaking five years or more, for God's sake!

Oh wait, Long isn't buying that crap either. He doesn't work for Booker, he's supposed to be working with Booker! Booker himself says nothing, and we go to commercial.

Segment 4: Replay of Booker T's montage since he's going to the WWE Hall of Fame.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Dolph Ziggler (w/ AJ & Big E. Langston) defeats Kofi Kingston by pin. Above-average match, but the best part here was AJ, who decided to be on commentary. Like, literally: she parked her ass on the commentators' table, directly in front of JBL, probably giving him a nice view of ass cleavage, the lucky bastard.

AJ's commentary—or better put, her commentary reactions to the others' commentary—was the highlight of the match. A few of the highlights...

First, they guys were questioning the fact that she had, at one point, three boyfriends at once over the past year. JBL added that about the only one she hasn't dated in the future WrestleMania match is the referee. AJ told JBL “You have your jokes,” which doesn't really sound like a denial to me. Finally, after a huffy pause, she said this brilliance:

“Okay, I'll admit that I've dated 75% of the people in WrestleMania, but that's neither here nor there. And I still wake up in a cold sweat when I remember that I almost married Daniel Bryan's beard!” I'm pretty sure if they had been married, she would have been his beard, but moving on...

JBL then brought up that she kissed DB at WrestleMania last year, who then lost in 18 seconds. We got this exchange:

AJ: “Yeah, some people call me the kiss of death.”

Cole: “You're like a black widow then, aren't you?”

AJ: “Well, Black Widow was a really cool superhero, so I'll take that as a compliment, thank you!”

Cole: “The only one at this table who gets that reference is Josh.”

After that, we had an AJ aside...

I can't believe Kane challenged my mental stability! It's like the pot calling the kettle... unstable.”

At that point, I fantasy-booked the idea that we need CM Punk and AJ to do a commentary team together. I don't really care under what context, but they need to do this. Although they would need a third person to act as a straight man, or else the sexual tension would be palpable.

As the match wound down, we had a sweet spot. Dolph was sent flying out of the ring, and Kofi wanted to follow up, but Langston got in the way. Kofi hesitated, shrugged, then flew out of the ring anyway, cleanly taking Langston down. Dolph then came out of nowhere with the Fame-Asser, which Cole actually called Fame-Asser, or more probably the “Famous-er.” At least the damn thing is being named finally.

As Dolph threw Kofi back in the ring, AJ had one more gem...

AJ: “I'm going to have that man's babies.”

Cole: “Kofi?”

AJ: *stunned pause* “Ziggler! And they're going to have glorious hair and abs of a Greek god!”

As I try to jettison the mental image of a baby being born and having a six-pack as he exits the womb, Ziggler hits Kofi with the Zig Zag and makes the pin. AJ celebrates on the table by doing what can only be described as Excited Jazz Hands. And thus, the episode is saved!

Interestingly, Cole actually said “Famous-er” three times, which I only point out because I don't think anyone has given the move a name ever since he started using it.

Oh, after the match, Langston hit Kofi with his sit-down shoulder-delivered gutbuster, because he's a jerk.

Segment 6: RAW recap of CM Punk's shenanigans with Undertaker's urn.

Segment 7: Sheamus is arguing with Big Show in the back, and again Orton is being the peacemaker. I'm as confused as you are.

Pre-Segment 8: Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter hit the ring for a match, but want to talk first. Zeb says that it was “unfortunate but necessary” that Swagger snapped Ricardo Rodriguez on Monday, but it's still nothing compared to what he'll do to Alberto Del Rio. Oh, and it should serve as a “wake-up call” to ADR and those of us in the audience who disagrees with their views. That applies to Chris Jericho, his opponent tonight! Jack finishes with “We, the people!”

He tries to say it twice, but then Jericho's pyros go off. The lights go out, Jericho makes his full entrance, and it's on.

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Jack Swagger (w/ Zeb Colter) defeats Chris Jericho by pin. Above-average match, but no high spots.

The end sequence was a bit of chaos, with Fandango and Fandango's Hot Girl dancing their way down the ramp. (Remember, he and Jericho had an argument on Monday.) Jericho was momentarily distracted and almost lost to a cheap pin, but he kicked out at two.

Still, the numbers game caught up. Jericho and Swagger did counter after re-counter, and Jericho generally got the better of it. He leaned against the west ropes to catch his breath, and that's when Johnny Curtis did a Cody Rhodes-like step-up enziguri to Jericho's face behind the ref's back. Jericho fell near the corner, so Swagger followed up with the Swagger Bomb, and that was it.

There are worse things in the world than a Fandango/Jericho match, but... I really hope they don't think that's deserving of WrestleMania. Maybe the undercard, YouTube-only pre-show?

Post-Segment 8: After the match, Fandango climbed the stairs, did a slick little one-handed high-kicking vault over the ropes... then started punching the hell out of Jericho's face, not to mention a running kick to his head. With Jericho still down, Fandango went to the top rope, posed, then did a leg drop off the top rope. Not really all that huge for a finisher.

Fandango then grabbed a mic and pronounced his name in Jericho's face to boos. Alrighty then.

Segment 9: Big Show is in the back and interviewed by Striker. Show... blathers. It's basically a “Go team!” speech that seems very un-heel. First step of a face turn, or a misdirection? We'll see.

Segment 10: Montage of the Rock/Cena feud, same one from Monday.

Pre-Segment 11: Team Rhodes Scholars are in the ring with the Bella Twins, and... okay, did they get breast enhancements while they've been away? Those things look way bigger than they used to. [Ed. Note: One of them did. The other's using Wonderbra technology to keep it from being totally obvious. I was wondering how long it was gonna take before Pyro noticed there was something different besides the hair color...]

Anyway, they really have nothing to say here. Sandow just basically reintroduces the Bella Twins, since I guess they're officially on TSR's arms now.

Then Brodus Clay, Tensai, and the Funkadactyls hit the ring. I greatly approve of the Funkadactyls' switch to tight cheerleader uniforms (especially for Cameron, who I didn't find all that attractive until the switch for some reason). I also greatly disapprove, or at least get greatly confused, of Tensai's coonskin cap. What the hell, Tensai?

Segment 11 [Tag Match]: Brodus Clay & Tensai (w/ Funkadactyls) defeat Team Rhodes Scholars (w/ the Bella Twins) by disqualification, I guess, even though it was a stupid ending. The faces had all the offense for 30 seconds. At that point, one of the Bellas hopped on the apron and distracted Brodus with her cleavage. Naomi took umbrage and pulled her off the apron, making her smack her face into the edge of the apron, which couldn't have felt good. (Or the Bella sold it perfectly. Either way, I'm impressed.) Naomi then started punching her, so the other Bella arrived, so Cameron arrived and hit a picture-perfect Lou Thesz Press.

While Brodus pulled Naomi off... uh... Nikki, I'll say, Tensai pulled Brie off Naomi. Sandow didn't want his woman touched, so he slapped Tensai, who “slapped” back with a full running body splash. The ref called for the bell at this point for God knows what reason. Sandow was technically the illegal man here, but calling a DQ for that is like calling John Cena “slightly excited.”

The guys finally get all the divas separated, and the faces' music plays. Also: Cameron can keep grinding invisible laps. That is... very nice.

Segment 12: Striker interviews Orton and Sheamus in the back, who say they're totally trusting each other (which again totally violates his character), and then they reverse-imply they don't trust Big Show. Sheamus does a really creepy face during it, too.

Segment 13 [Singles Match]: The Miz defeats Antonio Cesaro by submission. Not really that interesting, just an extended reverse squash. Cesaro beat the crap out of Miz until he applied the Figure Four basically out of nowhere.

Post-Segment 13: Wade Barrett had been on commentary, and he admitted that the win was impressive, since Cesaro was no pushover. But then Miz stared at Wade, pointed at him, then applied the Figure Four again to Cesaro just to prove a point. Cesaro rose, Miz broke the hold, and they jawed at each other... but no violence.

Segment 14: WWE went to the premier of The Call, so they wasted our time with that information.

Segment 15: RAW recap of the Triple H/Paul Heyman underwhelming shenanigans.

Segment 16 [Six-Man Tag Match]: Sheamus, Big Show, & Randy Orton defeat 3MB by pin. Welcome to the main event, Heath Slater. ...There's a sentence I don't think I'll say very much.

Early cute spots where Sheamus stole Big Show's “Shh!” chops to Jinder Mahal, then tagged him in. So obviously, Big Show stole Sheamus's 10 of Clubs to Drew McIntyre, the poor bastard. Both guys were all smiles as their signatures were stolen, so all in good fun! ...Except for 3MB, of course.

From there, Orton became the face in peril, but when Slater tried a top rope something-or-other, Orton hit him with a dropkick out of midair. Orton with the hot tag to Show, who cleaned house but couldn't quite close the deal even after one hell of a stiff Spear on Jinder. He then got disrupted and fell near his corner, so Sheamus tagged himself in. Big Show hit Drew with the WMD, then Sheamus beheaded Slater with a Brogue Kick and made the pin.

Post-Segment 16: It finally dawned on Show what happened, and he didn't like a win-stealer. He grabbed Sheamus's shoulder and spun him around, and they jawed. Orton arrived to try to break them up... and then The Shield's music fired up.

The Shield arrived from the top row of the arena, looked at the men in the ring, then started down the steps. Big Show, in a bit of excitement, shoved Sheamus out of his way so he could be at the front of the line. Sheamus reacted predictably with a shove of his own, so Show grabbed him by the throat and drove him to the corner. Orton again tried to get involved, but Show shoved him off.

So now it's Orton and Sheamus shoving Show around. The Shield tries to take advantage by quickly surrounding the ring, but the others get organized too fast. Shield considers it, then just bail through the crowd. No further action, but Show is still upset.

Final Thoughts: Meh. Other than AJ's fantastic commentary and the Funkadactyls getting it on with the Bellas, there really wasn't much of anything here to talk about. So I'm going to shut up instead of trying to fill space.

See you on the other side of the weekend for RAW, and I hope anyone with any knowledge of allergies can help me out with my precap questions!

Episode Grade: C+


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