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Babyface Big Show?
March 9, 2013

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
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I've been checking out random shows on Netflix, hoping to fill the void left with my conclusion of Prison Break. To use baseball vernacular, while I haven't struck out yet, I've been hitting nothing but routine singles to the outfield.
First I checked out House of Cards, that show that HBO (I think?) started production on then stopped. The series looked like it would be canceled before it started, but then Netflix itself produced it. So now it's called “A Netflix Original Production,” which is ironic, given that it's a spin-off of a British version with the same bloody title.

Anyway, Kevin Spacey plays a political asshole, in this case a redundant phrase, and he does so very well. We hate him, we're supposed to hate him, even though he's our protagonist. It's a good show, pretty intriguing, and didn't overstay its welcome, but I have trouble remembering what the hell is going on. Not because it's complex, but just the opposite: because it's rather forgettable. I'm not hooked per se, but I'll definitely check out the second season if and when it's released. Sort of like Walter in Breaking Bad, I'm sort of watching in the hope that he'll get caught and suffer mightily. (Though, of course, Breaking Bad is objectively better as a whole.) It does make me want to watch the British version though, since that one tells the whole story in only 12 episodes, as British TV normally does.

The other show I checked out is Mad Men, which I heard all sorts of good things about, but... this one has hooked me even less than House of Cards. I have trouble buying that men were that sexist in the 60s (there's a scene where our “hero” forces a woman to apologize to a third party essentially by fingering her in a restaurant, just to show off his power). Is it just exaggeration, or were women really mistreated that badly? I'm way too young to know, and other than hearing horror stories, I don't really know anything about typical office life.

Mad Men has some intriguing characterization, but it just hasn't grabbed me. I'm sticking with it for now, but might switch to House of Cards (BBC) sooner rather than later.

So, that's it for Pyro's TV updates. Let's get to the Syfy Channel and SmackDown instead!

Pre-Opening: Before even the copyright splash, we get a full-screen moment of silence in memory of William Moody, aka Paul Bearer. To echo what one of the OO Forum members said, I had always hoped that Undertaker's last match, whenever it would be, would be with Bearer in his corner. Undertaker wouldn't be the same without him; his impact, however indirect, during the Attitude Era and pre-Attitude Era probably can't be measured.

If he's not in the Hall of Fame already, I'm thinking he should be WWE's “sympathy pick” for next year. He certainly deserves it on merit alone anyway.

Segment 1: We're starting off tonight with the epic music of Jack Swagger, soon followed by Swagger and Zeb Colter themselves. Zeb apparently has a Twitter account... interesting.

Zeb blathers for a while, then says something new: he and Swagger are totally going to draft a new Bill of Rights. Okay, nice tease, but from there, they just get around to insulting us as part of the problem if we don't agree with them. Same shtick, different day.

Alberto Del Rio then pops out, then tosses it to the Titantron for another Swagger & Colter video... except this time, it's Ricardo Rodriguez playing Zeb, and ADR playing Swagger. Silliness ensues, but it's not really all that funny. Ricardo does hit a cute line where (as Zeb) he insults Mexican food as being un-American, unlike the totally American French Fries and pizza.

...And that's it, because once the show goes back to the arena, they just play ADR's music, and everyone looks angry at each other. This seemed to somehow be less than nothing, so I have no idea what the point was.

Segment 2 [Tag Match]: Team Friendship defeats 3MB (w/ Jinder Mahal) by submission. It's nice to see Drew McIntyre finally getting some action in the ring during 3MB matches.

This was time-compressed and pure formula, nothing really interesting until the end. Kane went on a tear and signaled for the chokeslam, but then Jinder Mahal proved to be a distraction. Kane exchanged with Heath Slater, and Kane wound up tagging out in an (intentionally) awkward position. As DB entered the ring, Slater pushed Kane from behind, making him nearly bowl over Daniel Bryan. Dissension in the ranks!

...Or not. While DB looked mildly annoyed, he didn't actually blame Kane. DB did turn his back on Slater, who rolled him up for a quick pin attempt, but DB kicked out at two and transitioned to a No Lock. Kane, who hadn't bothered to leave the ring, nonchalantly clotheslined Drew's head off his neck, and Slater tapped in short order.

Decent match for what it was, but nothing that you need to see.

Segment 3: Matt Striker interviews Dolph Ziggler and his companions. Dolph says it's totally logical that the fans chose him to face Alberto Del Rio tonight, because he's not a dirty foreigner. Oh, and because he's Mr. Money in the Bank. Hooray...?

Cut Scene: Ryback is walking, and he bumps into Mark Henry. They uncomfortably stare at each other, then part after a moment. I guess this is going to be another WrestleMania match, huh? (Note to self: remember to work on the damn Super Column tomorrow during my lunch break.)

Segment 4: RAW recap (with Brad Maddox joining commentary for some damn reason) regarding the Triple H promo.

Pre-Segment 5: Maddox is still on commentary as we cut back to the ring, where Damien Sandow is whining about having to face Ryback, “the man that Darwin's theory of evolution forgot.” Heh.

Sandow wants to keep whining, but then Ryback's music fires up.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Ryback defeats Damien Sandow by pin. Brad Maddox's ridiculous commentary—mostly focused on an argument with Josh Mathews as to whether he's the “assistant managing director” or “assistant to the managing director”—was the best part of the match. The match wasn't bad, but it was purely formulaic, and not worth talking about. It ended with a meat hook clothesline followed by the Shell Shock.

Segment 6: RAW recap, but this is technically new stuff, since it happened after RAW went off after the air. The Shield popped up after the main event and beat the crap out of Big Show... including the triple powerbomb. Damn! This was revenge for Show punching Seth Rollins in the face last week at SD.

We transition to Striker interviewing Big Show in the locker room. Show downplays the assault, then blames Sheamus for Shield attacking him, which really doesn't make sense, but whatever. Show gives a generic threat that he'll totally punch out anyone else, including The Shield, who tries to mess with him again.

Segment 7: AFV.

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) defeats Dolph Ziggler (w/ AJ & Big E. Langston) by submission. Solid match, good exchanges from start to finish, but nothing that I'm going to cream myself over. Rick likes this match-up better than I do, and I'm not going to be asshole and say that it sucks, but it... just... doesn't do anything for me. [Ed. Note: it was nowhere near as awesome as their match last month. But yeah, I did still like it.]

We had a fun sequence to take us to the break. Dolph was on a tear, and Big E. Langston hit ADR behind the ref's back. As retribution, Ricardo smacked Langston in the face with a towel. Langston threatened Ricardo, but AJ called him off. As AJ and Langston conversed, Ricardo fetched the water bucket. Langston moved out of the way just in time... and AJ took the full force of the water. And I have to say, there are many worse things to look at in the world than a soaking-wet AJ.

AJ wasn't happy, so she decided to go after Ricardo, but Langston held her back. AJ avoided him by sliding in the ring just to pop out a different side, then chased Ricardo around the ring. The ref had had enough of this tomfoolery, so he ejected Langston and AJ, though Ricardo was permitted to stay. Brad Maddox, still at commentary, hilariously got angry at how unfair the referee was.

After the break, it was pretty much nonstop exchanges with few rests, with counters and re-counters to finishers and signatures. ADR finally managed to apply the Cross Arm Breaker pretty much out of nowhere for the win.

Segment 9: Cut to the back, and AJ is toweling herself off. DB arrives to mock her, then insult her for dumping him. She tells him to get over it, and says that her new boyfriend will totally be World Heavyweight Champion soon. And unlike DB, Dolph will be a champion who knows how to handle her. Mmm... I'd like to handle her.

AJ continues being catty, and says that unlike DB, she knows how to get along with her partner. DB dismisses that, because he admits that while he and Kane have issues, they know how to hug it out and get past them. DB then says that while they're on the subject of the past, “When we were together...” and AJ does a little fear-shiver. Cute... and bitchy.

Anyway, DB says that while they were together, DB didn't force her to just carry around a briefcase: DB was the World Champion, so there. AJ: “Yeah, and you lost it in 18 seconds.” Ha! DB: “With Dolph, you should be used to things lasting only 18 seconds.” Double ha!

Eh. The whole thing was smile-worthy, but didn't accomplish much except give a nod to continuity. Ten bucks says they're not going to actually build on that in the coming weeks.

Segment 10 [Singles Match]: Mark Henry squashes Yoshi Tatsu by pin. Thanks for playing, Yoshi!

Segment 11: Repeat of the Donald Trump montage, since he's the newest Hall of Famer for the “celebrity wing.”

Segment 12: Striker interviews Sheamus, who isn't that happy with Show blaming him for the attack from The Shield on Monday. Sheamus says it's no surprise that Show doesn't blame himself for anything, such as the fact that you can smell him 10 miles away since he never washes his singlet. (One word: ew.) Sheamus assures Striker that it won't be Show's fault tonight either, when Sheamus beheads him with a Brogue Kick.

Segment 13: RAW recap of The Rock and John Cena's promo.

Segment 14 [Singles Match]: Tamina defeats Kaitlyn (w/ Layla) by pin. So Kaitlyn isn't on TV for a month, but when she finally gets the call, she gets no entrance and loses in 30 seconds? Screw you, WWE.

Short exchange to start, then Kaitlyn goes for a rebound cross body, and winds up smashing her face on the second rope. It looked pretty bad, honestly, like a whiplash, but she was okay. She rolled out of the ring to recover, and Layla checked on her.

Tamina followed, shoved Layla, then tried to throw Kaitlyn into the ring. An exchange, and it was Kaitlyn who successfully tossed Tamina back in. Layla, still smarting over the push, slid into the ring with Kaitlyn. The ref intercepted Layla, and while Kaitlyn was trying to figure out what the hell Layla was doing, Tamina recovered and hit her with a Samoan Drop. One, two, three.

Segment 15: After replays, we cut to the back, where we see Cody Rhodes watching Kaitlyn's heaving bosom on a monitor. Sandow comes up, insists they leave this crappy town, and start discussing tag strategy (since I guess we're just retconning out their breakup... perhaps call it a “separation”?). Cody is too distracted by cleavage, so he just asks what Sandow thinks of her.

Sandow says that she's ring-capable, and leaves it at that. But Cody wants more information: “What do you think of her... as a woman?” Sandow considers it, then says that Kaitlyn “has made the most of what she can despite that she comes from a clearly deficient genetic pool.” Ha!

Sandow leaves, since he clearly has no idea about puppy love. But Cody continues to stare at the monitor, and he does it in a far classier way than I do whenever My Rosa Mendes is there. [Ed. Note: perhaps retconning the break-up will be worth it, if they're planning to re-do it. Cody and Damien are "best friends," but what if Cody forgets to "put bro's before ho's"? Or, if Damien's cutting the promo, it'd probably be Cody forgetting to "priorotize comrades ahead of strumpets." But if Cody does it all smitten and crushy (not sleazy and "dashing-ly"), then you could have Sandow mock and tease him mercilessly. Would it actually be possible for fans to want Cody to get the girl? I mean, she IS huge into moustaches, and if Cody could make the total transformation from Dashing Douchebag to Tongue-Tied Schoolboy, you might have something.]

Segment 16: AFV.

Segment 17: Despite not having a match yet, Fandango's music is on iTunes. There's something I'm not buying... I've already heard that shit way too much as it is. Though I wouldn't mind seeing the as-yet nameless chick do some more hip-swinging, even though she's a soft-7 at best.

Anyway, Fandango pops out for a match against Justin Gabriel, then audibles out since Lilian Garcia didn't “breathe the A's.”

This is getting really old. If WWE is trying to make him a heel just by the virtue of pissing me off, it's certainly working.

Cut to the back, and Booker T is pissed too. He orders Teddy Long to issue Fandango an ultimatum. T-Long tries to play the “breathe the A's” game, and Booker isn't having any of that, thankfully.

Segment 18: RAW recap, sorta, just showing Undertaker popping out of the back and being angry for no reason. It's a montage with spooky music, or perhaps Gay Spooky music, and either way it's not exactly interesting. And I'm a huge Undertaker fan, as you probably know.

That's followed by a highlight package of the main event Fatal Four-Way, catching up everyone on the storyline if they don't watch on Mondays.

Segment 19: Another Zeb Colter/Jack Swagger video, this time about how English is the only language everyone should be speaking. We, the people!

Segment 20 [Singles Match]: Sheamus and Big Show wrestle to a no contest or something, but technically it's a DQ win for Sheamus. Decent match, nothing special, though it's a hell of a punchy-kicky brawl.

And then The Shield arrives and surround the ring, and ref bails.

Post-Segment 21: Randy Orton, who I had forgotten even existed, materializes to make a save. The Shield attacks, and Orton's presence is pointless, since they still have the numbers. But then Show slides back in the ring and gets his first cheers in over a year as beats the crap out of Shield and sends them packing.

The Shield leaves through the crowd. Sheamus is satisfied and turns around to face Big Show... and eats a WMD. Then Orton hits him with an RKO, because why not. Play Orton's music!

Final Thoughts: I felt like I was watching more RAW than SmackDown. If you add up the RAW recaps and commercials, I'd be surprised if there was actually a full hour of SmackDown stuff.

So I don't think much got accomplished tonight. It seems a little more fuel was added to the fire that burns between Cody, Kaitlyn, and the Lovestache; as well as some more fire to Show/Shield. Is this the start of a face turn for Show, or just an ally by convenience against a bigger threat? Either way, the crowd was hot for it; Show is a heel, but Shield is more of a heel. “Heeler”? Is that a word? Well, custom Open Office dictionary, it is now!

Overall, the episode disappointed me, but hey, that's just my opinion. I've got nothing else, so I'll see you on the other side of the weekend for RAW.

Episode Grade: C


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