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SD!: ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW
The Shield Ain't So Tough
March 3, 2013

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
Follow Pyro's Tweets
on Twitter --/-- View Pyro's Videos on Youtube

 
After all these weeks of waiting, my new computer is fully operational! My new video card—an ASUS GeForce 660 Ti—makes Skyrim and The Witcher 2 look gorgeous, and my gaming rig has never been happier. Just in time for SimCity to come out this Tuesday, after which I will hopefully earn back the majority of the cost of the computer thanks to an IGN paycheck.
 
The downside is that with a complete reinstallation of Windows, I also had to reinstall all my programs... Except unfortunately, I can't find my discs for MS Office. I don't feel like throwing even more money at Microsoft, so I went ahead and downloaded Open Office.
 

This is... uncomfortable. Human nature dictates that we struggle with learning new tools, and I've used MS Word and Wordpad exclusively for well over a decade. This feels weird, but luckily it seems simple enough to use. A word processor is a word processor, after all. And I'm not nothing if not flexible.

And I have a little bit of fun in that my custom Online Onslaught dictionary is gone, allowing me to restock it again! So let's add some words that the English language wasn't designed for as we start SmackDown, where... uh... things will happen. Let's roll...

Pre-Segment 1: Oh yeah, I forgot that this is “Social Media SmackDown.” Wonderful. This means that Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole, and Josh Mathews are our announcers tonight; no JBL, aside from Touts, and I'm sure even his worst detractors can deal with him for 15-second stretches.

So we're starting out with a match tonight, but as Damien Sandow makes his entrance, he decides to talk first. He insults Alberto Del Rio's ability to build a sentence for some reason, and isn't happy with the fact that he's a World Heavyweight Champion accompanied to the ring by a dude with an “outdated rented tux and a spit bucket,” while he is accompanied only by his own “superior intellect, timeless good looks [cue cheesy smile], and the jealous gazes of the unwashed masses,” we're welcome. That was a damn good line.

So ADR says that Sandow's mouth smells like shit. Seriously, that's what he said. It may have played well with the crowd, but that was a pretty lame line to Sandow's awesomeness.

Segment 1 [Singles Match]: Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) defeats Damien Sandow by submission. Decent enough for an opening match, but nothing noteworthy here. The most entertaining thing to me was Kaitlyn apparently tweeting that she totally would have Speared Sandow, and she bemoaned that she “has to do everything around here.” Cute. The match ended with the Cross Arm Breaker.

Segment 2: During commercial, ADR cut a vanilla face promo about being an awesome fighting champion. And since it's Social Media SmackDown, he wants the fans to choose his opponent for next week's SmackDown... but doesn't explain how. Probably has to do with the WWE app, I'd imagine.

Segment 3: RAW recap about John Cena's and CM Punk's activities.

Segment 4: Kane is chilling out in the locker room when a black hood is dropped into his lap. Camera pans to reveal Daniel Bryan, who implies that the only reason Kane made the pin in their tag team match on RAW is because DB was blindfolded. Kane intelligently argues that his chokeslam against “Dan” [sic] Young probably had something to do with the win, too.

Well, to prove his point, DB has convinced Booker T to book a match: it's a return match from Monday, but this time the stipulations will be reversed: it'll be Kane who's blindfolded, and DB who has his arm tied behind his back.

To DB's surprise, Kane is cool with this for two reasons. First, when Kane beats the Prime Time Players while blindfolded, it'll totally prove he's the stronger link in the team. And second, if he's blindfolded, he won't have to look at DB's stupid ugly goat face. Heh.

Segment 5.1 [Singles 2 out of 3 Falls Match for the United States Title]: Antonio Cesaro pins The Miz. Decent opening, mostly feeling-out back-and-forth from start to finish. When Cesaro got some momentum at the end, it didn't take him long to hit a Neutralizer out of nowhere. He scores the pin and a point, and we go to commercial.

Segment 5.2: The Miz forces Antonio Cesaro to submit. So, uh... this happened totally during the commercial break, and on WWE's app. Ugh. I get it, WWE: you want me to download your stupid app so I don't “miss a minute of the action” or some such malarkey. But you grossly overestimate how much I care about you, so, just, no. I'd rather download an app for the New England Revolution, and I don't even have an iPad to do it.

Segment 5.3: Antonio Cesaro defeats The Miz by pin, and retains. The third part of the match was like the last third of a standard match: heavy moves from the hell followed by rest holds disguised as submission attempts. Miz got a few hope spots and did all right, even slapped on the Figure Four one more time, but Cesaro was able to get to the ropes.

After the Figure Four came the end game. Miz pulled Cesaro away from the ropes, then attempted the submission again. Cesaro countered by planting a foot on Miz's ass and sending him to the corner... nearly crushing referee Mike Chioda in the process. Miz caught himself before he caused harm, but then Cesaro ran up and did a body splash to Miz, which also smushed the referee. Cesaro quickly followed up with a schoolboy pin on Miz, but Chioda had three collapsed lungs from the blow, so he couldn't make the count. Miz reversed the pin into a reverse victory roll sitting pin, and Chioda started to count. At two, Cesaro reversed it into another reverse victory roll sitting pin, except he also had a handful of tights. Chioda didn't see it, so he counted the three.

Overall, it was a decent match but nothing special. For a 2 out of 3 Falls match, especially a title match, you would think they would give it more build-up than a “Oh, they've been attacking each other lately, so here's a random title shot” storyline. [Ed. Note: I liked it a bit more than Pyro. And I certainly didn't go into it expecting to do so. If Babyface Miz is proximate to something, I actually expect it to suck. This did not. Surprisngly good stuff, with unexpected chemistry between two guys whose unique skill sets are at complete opposite ends of the spectrum.]

Segment 6: JBL Touts. I'll give the dude credit, he's climbing a freaking mountain right now, making him approximately 843% more of a man than I'll ever be, but it really has no relevance for a recap.

Segment 7: Randy Orton is in the back, and then Sheamus materializes. Conversation ensues, and since Orton is taking on Big Show tonight, he's super focused on his opponent. Sheamus warns him that The Shield is thinking the same thing, and just might jump him, so maybe Sheamus should watch his back. Orton doesn't say yes, but he does say “Thanks,” despite always operating alone before.

Segment 8: AFV.

Segment 9: Jim Ross hits the ring to interview Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter. After the heels give some cheap heat, Ross recaps September 3, 2012, where Swagger declared he would be taking a hiatus, and now he's different; so what happened?

Zeb is the one who answers, a little nonsensically that Swagger is different now because he knows what's plaguing America. JR doesn't know what that means exactly, so Zeb explains: WWE is simply a microcosm of the whole immigration issue. After all, Swagger's losing streak and subsequent vacation simply opened the door for ADR to rise to prominence and take over his position as a title hunter, or something. Of course, this ignores (or is supported by?) that ADR was a heel at the time. Swagger concludes, “We, the people.”

JR wants to talk about the WrestleMania match, but again Zeb interrupts and declares that after WrestleMania, the title will be around the waist of an English-speaking actual America. ADR doesn't speak our language and totally needs to leave the country. Zeb then goes off on a tangent that would be sad if it wasn't intentionally satirical. He asks JR what he does with a fruit basket after it gets bad: it turns gross and attracts flies, and at that point, JR isn't going to sit there smelling it, but will instead throw it out. And just like that nasty fruit basket, this is our country, and they're smelling the stink of ADR. Swagger concludes, “We, the people.”

JR loses it here, getting in Swagger's face (kinda) asking what the hell is going on with his brain. Zeb counters the blame: by JR's admission, JR had been trying to recruit Swagger into WWE while he was still playing football in college. Ergo, it was JR who had been with Swagger during his formative years, and therefore any brainwashing issues are on JR, not Zeb. If Zeb did anything, he simply opened Swagger's eyes up to the truth of what's been happening in the world.

JR tells him to shut the hell up, so Zeb counters that JR needs to keep a civil tongue in his head, else something may happen that he'll regret. JR stands up for himself, but Swagger knocks his hat off and gets his in face demanding respect by proxy. Swagger declares that JR is clearly just part of the problem, and isn't a real American, he's just a sympathizer!

Swagger starts to make a threat about what he does to sympathizer, but then ADR hits the ring and stands beside JR. ADR recovers JR's hat, then says that it's Jack and Zeb are the problem, while he is the solution. Swagger isn't “a real American, Jack... you're a real Jack... Ass!” Uh... okay?

Apparently that's enough of a punch line to end on, because they play out ADR's music as the heels leave. That seemed stupid and pointless.

Pre-Segment 11: The commentators do another Sonic product placement. Lawler and Mathews pig out while Cole starves, and again, it's actually somewhat droll. It could be much worse. [Ed. Note: it is worse. I f'n love Sonic, and the nearest one to my house is about a 25 minute drive, so unless I have business in that particular part of town, these product placements for tater tots and slushies are just taunting me. Dear Sonic: I must insist you stop all advertising unless you open a store near my house. Love, me.]

Also: apparently, Kane's blindfold hood has a goat face on the front of it. Also droll.

Segment 11 [Tag Match]: The Prime Time Players defeat Team Friendship by pin. Cute comedy match, with Lawler cracking jokes and puns the whole time. Kane did all right but DB tagged himself in early, did pretty well, then became the face in peril.

After a commercial break, DB got the hot tag, and with the crowd's help, Kane was able to get in some offense against Titus O'Neil. Titus made a reverse hot tag, Darren Young came in and stupidly started talking, so Kane knew exactly where he was and hit a chokeslam without much effort.

However, Young rolled away from Kane, so when Kane hit the canvas to make the pin, Young wasn't there. DB didn't want egg on his face, so he called Kane over and said that Young was totally in the faces' corner. As Kane approached, DB tagged himself in, then started to attack. However, Kane sensed bodies near him, so he slapped his hands around the throats of DB and Token Asian Ref!

Ref managed to convince Kane to chill. DB sort of did, so Kane wanted to make sure: he grabbed DB's beard and pulled on it pretty hard. Satisfied that DB was in fact who he said he was, Kane spread his arms in resignation and turned back to the corner to exit the ring. That's when O'Neil came from out of nowhere and make a quick schoolboy pin.

After the match, as the heels bailed, Kane pulled off his hood and saw the goat face design. DB tried blaming invisible leprechauns, then decided he wanted to try hugging it out. Kane nodded... then put the hood on DB and slapped him in the face.

Segment 12: Another trailer for one of the WWE movies coming out, the one where Halle Berry just stops trying to have a good haircut.

Segment 13: Matt Striker interviews Big Show in the back, who says he's totally going to make an impact to show his dominance during the Road to WrestleMania by chokeslamming Randy Orton. Short and sweet.

Segment 14: Chris Jericho blathers on Skype, which is like via satellite, but worse. Jericho pimps Fozzy and Robot Combat League, totally forgetting he's a WWE superstar.

Segment 15: AFV.

Segment 16: Great Lincoln's ghost, finally Fandango appears. He appears in the back to sexually harass Striker's microphone, then tells us how to properly pronounce his name: “You must breathe the A's in!” Striker fails several times, and Johnny Curtis wastes our time by blathering about it. I hate him already.

Fandango says that he's a master of dance, has accomplished everything in the ballroom, and now takes his grace and precision to the ring. That's so ridiculous and cartoony that it feels like it's out of the mid-90s WCW era.

So Striker says that Fandango will debut now, but Fandango says that shit's not happening. He's not going to debut until Striker gets his name right. Fandango—and I honestly have trouble calling him that, since every fiber of my being wants to call him Johnny Curtis—breathes his name again and leaves. And pisses me right the hell off.

I'm so freaking sick of the vignettes and the delays and the stupid shit. I don't get it; is he supposed to be a comedy character that directly mocks Dancing with the Stars? Because if not, he has no place in the Modern Era; and if he is, he's flopping harder than... uh... some dancer on Dancing with the Stars who fell. I don't know, I never watched the show and don't plan on doing so.

Segment 17: RAW recap of the Triple H/Brock Lesnar brawl, shot in gray scale since Syfy totally never does blood. This is followed by a Tout from Trips aimed at Lesnar.

Segment 18: Remember that Alberto Del Rio wants us to pick his opponent next week? Turns out that we picked Dolph Ziggler. The other two choices were Wade Barrett and Antonio Cesaro, so that was a pretty loaded ballot. [Ed. Note: I don't know if Ziggler won in a landslide because of all the internet wankers stuffing the ballot box on another lonely Friday night, or if it's just because even the average fans were able to discern how f'n awesome the del Rio/Ziggler match last month was, and they want to see it again. In either case, I approve.]

Segment 19 [Singles Match]: Randy Orton defeats Big Show by disqualification. Decent match, nothing to talk about here. Pure formula. As Orton got his main hope spot, he started his Five Moves of Doom and hit his Hangman's DDT.

...And that's when The Shield arrived.

Post-Segment 19: Shield surrounded the ring, and then Sheamus came down to make the save. Shield attacked anyway, and they had the numbers. But during the attack, Roman Reigns bumped into Show, who turned around and de-teethed him with a WMD.

Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins evacuated their bowels, then evacuated the ring. They retrieved Reigns's carcass and bailed through the crowd, shouting nonsense and dry threats.

Seemed that WWE was at peace, but then Show did as he promised and chokeslammed Orton. Sheamus then did a proxy save and hit Show with a Brogue Kick, sending the big man through the ropes and crashing to the outside. Fin.

Final Thoughts: And that's it, which can be translated to “a whole lotta nothin'.” I think I've covered everything there was to cover, but seriously: just skip it. There was basically nothing worth watching this week.

My only post-show note here is to mention that Triple H is “confirmed for RAW,” whatever exactly that means. He'll probably make some speeches and threats against Brock Lesnar, and... whatever.

It's a late night, I'm tired, and I'm going to call it an early night. Have a good weekend guys, and I'll see you on the other side for RAW.

Episode Grade: C-

 
E-MAIL PYROFALKON


  
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