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SD!: ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW
A JeriShow Reunion Gone Awry
February 16, 2013

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
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on Twitter --/-- View Pyro's Videos on Youtube

 
In the continuation of my quest to catch up on TV shows that I've missed over the years, after Netflix has yelled at me enough times, I'm finally watching Prison Break. It came out roughly around 24's peak, and I heard all sorts of good things about it and meant to check it out. (OOur very own Rick pimped it several times on the site too!) I heard it went off the rails in the second (or third?) season, and it only lasted four total. I've just started Season 2, and the show hasn't really hooked me, but it's intriguing enough that I'll see it through. [Ed. Note: it did start out intriguingly enough, but my vote is it didn't even make it through one whole season before it started getting pretty stupid. I gave up after maybe 2 episodes of the second season. You've been warned.]
 
As long as the four seasons tell a complete story, I'm sticking with it. There have been some shows and movies that I've metaphorically walked out of the theater on, such as The Critic and A Scanner Darkly, that I couldn't close my browser fast enough. Prison Break won't be among them, but at the same time, I really have no particular desire to have all-night viewing sessions.

I'm even going to pass on the Internet-only episodes that FOX released during the show's peak, which are still probably available on YouTube or something. It doesn't help that I want to punch Michael's stupid face every time he's squinting, which is basically all the time. (Seriously, if you play a drinking game where you take a shot each time the guy does a squinty confused expression, you'll black out before the opening credits.)

About the polar opposite is Flashpoint, which stars a guy who played a gay photographer opposite David Spade in a horrible sitcom from the last decade, along with Amy Jo Johnson, a.k.a. the Pink Power Ranger, who's pushing 40 in the show but still looks to be in her early 20s. Flashpoint grabbed me from episode 2, and my "just one more episode" declarations usually ended with me finally getting to bed six hours laters and struggling for consciousness at work the next day. Now they just need to get the fifth and final season up on Netflix and I'll be happy.

So... more Prison Break tonight, but for now, it's time for SmackDown. We're 48 hours away from the last pay-per-view before WrestleMania, so I doubt WWE will have many tricks up its sleeve tonight, other than fueling the feud fires. Hooray alliteration!

Segment 1: So, during the TMZ opening, WWE reminded me that The Rock is showing up tonight. Huh... totally forgot about that.

But we're opening not with The Great One, but with Big Show, who angrily marches to the ring as we get a replay of his poor bus from last week. Show blames that mess on why he beat the crap out of some random C-listers on Monday, then flips out as he screams that Alberto Del Rio has never pinned him, and can't. Show concludes that he's going to "ball up his rage into a tight ball," awkwardly referring to his fist, and he's going to "turn Del Rio's 'fiesta' into a 'siesta.'" Ugh.

Well, out to respond comes... uh, Chris Jericho? Huh, okay. Massive pop for the guy as he heads down to the ring. Jericho says he's known Show for 16 years, so he totally knows what he's feeling. Show doesn't give Jericho a chance for any sort of witty follow up as he says that if Jericho really knew him, he'd be far away touring with Fozzy or writing another book. Show has no time for anyone's crap tonight.

Jericho, uh, pimps himself and his extra-cirrecular activities, but he reiterates that he's super-totally committed to WWE right now, then gets back to his original point. He knows that Show is dangerous and the biggest force in WWE... but Jericho is totally going to win at Elimination Chamber, earn the right to face Show (possibly) for the title at WrestleMania, and Jericho will totally beat him there too for the World Heavyweight Title.

Show collects himself to say that they've known each other for a long time, so out of respect or something, Show warns him that if that particular scenario happens, Jericho won't win at WrestleMania... and for that matter, it'll be Jericho's last WrestleMania appearance ever. So if Jericho is smart, he'll leave the ring now, or Show will hurt him so badly he won't even make it that far.

Jericho stands his ground, and Booker T soon makes his way out of gorilla. He says that since we can't guarantee seeing these two fight at WrestleMania, we'll just go ahead and do it tonight instead.

Segment 2: Randy Orton is walking through the halls, and Matt Striker appears. Striker asks him for his thoughts on the fact that they're just 48 hours from the Elimination Chamber, but has to face Mark Henry tonight, so what does he think about it?

Orton heavily breathes, then looks stage-right. Striker runs off, and Mark Henry is there, who heavily breathes. Orton and Henry heavily breathe at each other for entirely too long, and then Henry runs off as his music starts. Orton watches him go... while still heavily breathing.

And we go to commercials!

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Mark Henry defeats Randy Orton by disqualification. Watchable match but nothing special. Henry, for the first time since coming back, was the recipient of a total beatdown and sorta-kinda played a de facto reverse face in peril. When he finally got his hope spot after the commercial, the fight spilled outside, and Henry teased a World's Strongest Slam on the mats. However, Orton slipped out, then just smashed Henry in the gut with a chair. Just like all faces historically have.

Post-Segment 3: ...But there is storyline significance here, as Orton wants to save himself for the Elimination Chamber. Orton slides in the ring and beans him with it, and seems strong. But Orton is stupid, and instead of taking his cheap shots and calling it a day, he bounces off the ropes and goes for a running chair shot. Henry scouts it, manhandles Orton, then hits a World's Strongest Slam in the center of the ring. Way to play, Viper.

Segment 4: After even more commercials, Henry is walking in the back. Striker is there again and wants a word, but Henry still steals his mic. Henry cuts a pretty generic promo that comes down to the fact that the "Hall of Pain is open" and that Henry is just going to straight up murder everyone in the Elimination Chamber. And Henry's strength is so awesome that the full compliment of the United States armed forces can't stop him.

Striker looks totally freaked out, possibly because Henry included the National Guard in his list. I mean, Marines come and go, but you do not fuck with the National Guard, yo.

Segment 5: Replay of The Shield's promo and subsequent beatdown on RAW.

Segment 6: Replay of the uncomfortably close Fandango vignette, crotch included.

Segment 7 [Singles Match, winner is #1 contender to the WWE Divas Title]: Tamina Snuka defeats Layla by pin. Decent match, nothing special. Layla with early domination, which resulted in Tamina being flung outside the ring. Layla then went to the apron and tried a running flying something-or-other, but Tamina had her scouted... and pulled up the apron as Layla took off. Tamina basically snapped Layla with it, making Layla fall early and bust her legs on the apron. Layla howled... I've never seen Layla sell that much, making me wonder just how much of it was an actual sell.

Tamina had the offense from there, first with some rest holds, then with a stiff Samoan Drop as a reverse from Layla's first hope spot. From there, Tamina dragged her toward the corner, then hit the Superfly Splash. Pin, win, done.

Segment 8: Replay of The Rock and CM Punk's activites from RAW.

Segment 9: It's time for The Rock! They cut to some person in the crowd holding a sign that reads "I came to see the Rock's Bottom," which I hope to hell is being held by a chick.

Rock gets to the ring after his full entrance and addresses CM Punk, who isn't in the building. Rock says that Punk stealing his title doesn't make him a champion... it wasn't even really theft. It was actually a trade, as Punk gets to carry around the belt for six days and in exchange, Rock is going to give him a serious ass-whipping.

Rock says that Punk is just like a kid: he runs his mouth when he doesn't get his way, tries to take anything that isn't his, and he keeps Paul Heyman around to give him hugs when things get tough (ew!). But The Rock isn't a kid, he's a man, and it may have taken ten years before he could get the title back, but it's only going to take him one night to make sure Punk never gets it again.

And, huh, I guess Punk is here after all, or at least on the Titantron. Punk starts by playing semantics by insisting the "championship title" is definitely not a "belt," and that Rock stole it first. Punk insists that Rock is a hypocrite since he's doing exactly what he accused Punk of doing: he's out here running his mouth and throwing a tantrum. But Punk encourages it, becaues he's sure that as long as Rock is being a childish jerk, he's just going to make a mistake. And remember, there is no champion's advantage in this match, so Punk just up and tells Rock to get himself DQed to make things easy.

Rock dismisses Punk: his words are worthless nowadays. Rock promised he'd beat Punk at Royal Rumble, and he did. Rock's words are gold, but Punk's are empty. So Rock encourages Punk to think not about Sunday, but about Monday, since on Monday morning, it will smash into Punk's consciousness that he failed, because Rock will totally win.

Ugh... this... really isn't all that intriguing. More generic threats, more generic promises, blah blah blah, if you smell... Don't get me wrong, it's etnertaining enough, just nothing that's worth transcribing.

And... that's it, no further words or actions. Pretty tepid, and it doesn't add any value. Either you've been sold on Rock/Punk or you don't care, and this won't do anything to alter your view.

Segment 10 [Tag Match]: Brodus Clay & Tensai (w/ Funkadactyls extend-reverse-squash 3MB (w/ Drew McIntyre) by pin. Tensai's face-by-proxy turn is complete, and the match was totally nothing to speak of.

Post-Segment 10: ...Except here comes The Shield? Huh, okay. Brouds quickly orders the ladies to bail, and Shield rush the ring, making their quickest entrance from down the aisles ever. Tensai and Brodus oversell, and then they go ahead and do the triple powerbomb to Brodus, because screw realistic arm strength.

Dean Ambrose grabs a mic after that and cuts a promo against Team Cena, but it's not worth retyping.

Segment 11: Another Fandango vignette? For the love of god, debut him or let him go, already.

Segment 12 [Singles Match]: The Miz defeats Cody Rhodes by submission. So the story here is that Miz's left shoulder is all wrapped up, so of course that's what Cody targets for five minutes. Miz got half a hope spot, which was cut off with some sweet triple-reversey chain wrestling. Soon after that Miz got his true hope spot as he snuck out of a Cross Rhodes attempt. More triple-reversey stuff, and Miz locked in the Figure Four in the center of the ring. Cody wasn't going anywhere, so he had to tap.

Segment 13 [Singles Match]: Jack Swagger (w/ Zeb Colter) extend-squashes Zack Ryder by submisson. I checked WWE.com tonight, and it turns out "Colter" is the proper spelling. Of course, "Fandango" had two O's in it for a couple weeks, so we'll see if WWE wants to change its mind. Either way, I buy Rick's argument of the breakdown of his name.

The match wasn't anything, but Zack is a good fall guy for this type of heavy, rough style to throw a little guy around. We did have one weird blown spot by the ref of all people. During the final sequence, Ryder found himself on his ass in the corner of the ring, facing the turnbuckle. Swagger exited the ring and grabbed Zack's ankle, clearly setting up for the classic "slam opponent's ankle into the ring post" spot. Except the referee got a little excited, so he did the standard DQ count... One! Two! Three! Four!

But Swagger was still preening like a heel should, and he hadn't started the attack yet. The referee had to cut himself off and just start yelling things about letting his leg go, which is the equivalent of the cop "letting you off with a warning" as you're climbing the steps of the courthouse to pay the speeding ticket. Swagger still completed the spot, slid in the ring, used an enhanced powerbombing technique, applied the Patriot Act, and took the win.

Post-Segment 13: Just in case we don't watch RAW or listen to the SmackDown announcers, Swagger goes ahead and reintroduces Zeb Colter, whose mustache makes Cody Rhodes weep in envy. Colter cuts an over-patriotic rant that starts and ends with the phrase "We the people" without giving any context at all to the phrase. As I said on RAW, it's stupid, but it's stupid for the right reasons: it's actually pretty entertaining, and you just hope for someone to come along and punch Colter in the mouth until he can't speak and his mustache falls off.

Segment 14: Striker interviews Alberto Del Rio in the back, who says nothing interesting.

Segment 15 [Singles Match]: Big Show defeats Chris Jericho by pin. Decent match, nothing special. The ending sequence saw Jericho's second hope spot (after getting his ass kicked for ten minutes), and attempting the Walls. He couldn't overcome Show's weight though, so Show eventually kicked Jericho off. As Jericho rebounded from the ropes, Show scrambled to his feet and hit the WMD out of nowhere.

After the match, ADR popped out of gorilla to the stage just to glare at Show, who glared back. Nothing further happened.

Final Thoughts: Pretty tepid night, if you ask me. Too much filler, and very little fuel being added after all. But like I said about Rock/Punk, you're either sold on Elimination Chamber or you're not, and really, tonight's SmackDown isn't going to change your mind either way.

As for me, I'm interested, but broke. Rick will have the Elimination Chamber recap up and running at some point around 11:30 on Sunday night, in case you aren't willing or able to check it out yourself. In the meantime, I'm going to lay down with an episode of Prison Break and try to get to sleep early.

Have a good weekend, all.

Episode Grade: C

 
E-MAIL PYROFALKON


  
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