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You Won't Like Big Show When He's Angry
January 26, 2013

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
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I’m back on my laptop for this recap again. I’m proud to say I got access the beta for the new SimCity coming out, and with it comes the responsibility to write the wiki strategy guide and make some gameplay videos. My main machine is tied up with processing my gameplay footage and the face My Rosa can’t resist, but SmackDown won’t wait for that to be over.
So, let’s get to SmackDown, where we enter the last show before the Royal Rumble. We’re right next to the Road to WrestleMania, and I’d bet this show won’t exactly be full of new material as everyone is saving themselves for this weekend. Let’s roll…

Segment 1: After a replay of the Monday night hug-a-thon, Team Friendship hits the ring to assure us that they have not turned over a new leaf and will somehow channel their anger away from violence. To prove it, we just need to watch Royal Rumble (“Yes!”), since after they totally beat Team Rhodes Scholars (“Yes!”), Kane says “I’ll throw 29 guys over the top rope and main event WrestleMania!”

Daniel Bryan starts to “Yes!” that, but says that that’s totally not going to happen. Kane reminds him that he’s the record holder for most Rumbles participated, and most superstars eliminated in a single Rumble. DB points out that that all may be true, but Kane has never actually won any of them. But he totally will!

They start a yes/no argument for two seconds, at which point Big Show hits the ring. Show says that no one gives a crap; Show is totally going to beat Alberto Del Rio for the World Heavyweight Title, and therefore, the only “plans” Kane and DB should worry about is their retirement plans if they think they’ll win the Rumble and then beat him at WrestleMania. DB politely points out that he totally beat Big Show last year for the World Heavyweight Title already, causing Big Show to freak out a little bit.

Show insults ADR for a bit, calling him a cockroach, and that he’ll totally “squish that bug” on Sunday, and if the Team Friendship doesn’t leave, he’ll squish them too. Kane says that they’re not bugs; they’re the World Tag Team Champions, and they’re not going anywhere. In other words, DB says, “No! No! No!” Which for some reason causes the crowd to start chanting “No! Yes! No! Yes!” Weird.

Well, here comes Team Rhodes Scholars finally. They hit the ring as Damien Sandow assures the champs that they’re underestimating the challengers, and that TRS will destroy Team Friendship “of Biblical proportions.” Cody Rhodes thinks Sandow is wasting his breath since everyone here is too retarded to figure out what he’s saying, so he just adds that they’re totally taking the titles.

Sandow then proposes an alliance to Show. See, since next week, all three of them will totally be champions, how about they all beat the crap out of Team Friendship right now?

Everyone drops mics, but then Alberto Del Rio’s music fires up… for about a half-second, at which point it’s totally drowned out by the massive cheers. ADR has no mic; he simply gets in the ring as the faces stand off with the heels.

Here comes Booker T, who does the obvious. Isn’t this kind of beginning getting really old by now? Why does Booker T even draw out the match announcement?

Oh wait, there’s one special stipulation here: it’s going to be an elimination tag match. That’s different.

So Booker T leaves, and then TRS bail from the ring. Show acts like he’s going to leave in peace, but then tries a pot shot at ADR. ADR is awake though and gives him a quick drop toe told. Show quickly stands, but by then, even Ricardo Rodriguez is in the ring, and Show decides he doesn’t want to take on four guys. Show leaves, though he shoves over the steel steps, which job cleanly.

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Sheamus defeats Wade Barrett by pin. Solid and entertaining match, a return match from their time limit draw on Monday. No high spots, but we saw a huge variety of punchy-kicky-slammy. The last sequence was a clustermess of reversed signatures and reversed finishers, but things finally turned when Sheamus was able to deliver a clean White Noise. Barrett couldn’t bail in time, so when he finally stood up, he ate a Brogue Kick and took the pin.

Segment 3: Replay of The Shield kicking The Rock’s ass on Monday. But it seems The Rock will “be here tonight” to comment on it. Hopefully that’s not a bait-and-switch (again) and he’s just coming via satellite.

Pre-Segment 4: RRRRRROOOSSSAAA!!! Thank you, Director Truck Monkey, for the close up during the whole hip popping and invisible lap grinding. Reports that say I rewatched those ten seconds 38 times are totally untrue, and I don’t know why you’d believe such a— Oh my god, the chest shake after the bell rang.

What was I saying?

Segment 4 [Singles Match]: Natalya (w/ Khali & Hornswoggle) defeats My Rosa Mendes (w/ Primo & Epico) by submission. All four guys were on commentary, so we had a six-man booth going on. The match was decent enough for the divas, but Rosa isn’t exactly as ring capable as her playmate here, so it wasn’t overly entertaining. Well, it was, for me, for all the wrong reasons.

We had a reverse formula going on here, with Natalya doing all the early offense. Rosa got a little bit of a hope spot and managed to do a pretty sick rest/submission hold. Rosa was on her back (giggity), with Natalya’s back to her front. Rosa crossed Natalya’s own arms over her neck to choke her from behind, but then also bent Natalya backwards over her knees. And no, I’m not perverted enough to want Rosa to do that to me, because that would frickin’ hurt. (Might crack my back, though.)

Eventually, Natalya powered out of it with what amounted to the house of fire sequence. Rosa managed to floor her, mounted her, and smashed the back of her skull against the canvas a thousand times. With Natalya down after suffering 150 simultaneous concussions, My Rosa remembered I was watching, so she got up long enough to do some more hip popping and invisible lap grinding for me in the center of the ring. Hornswoggle had had enough of that crap, so he pulled a Stacy Keibler and jumped on the announcers’ table with a dance of his own to cause me to have several nightmare scenarios that I’m going to have to bleach out of my brain. (A skimpily clothed Rosa does a private dance for me, turns around, and has Hornswoggle’s face! You’re welcome for that mental image!)

Rosa, like all of us, was offended and started screaming at him. Which was stupid, because she turned her back on Natalya, who quickly rolled up her up in a schoolgirl pin. The ref counted one, and then Natalya remembered she’s a Hart, so she rolled through her own pin attempt and decided to slap on the Sharpshooter instead. Rosa tapped out in a nanosecond, and as always, my offer to massage her legs to make her feel better still stands.

After the match, the faces joined Natalya in the ring, who shows she can hip pop almost as well as Rosa can. Mad propz.

No violence from anyone, but I’ll tell you this: Horny did a good job on commentary interacting with the heels. I think Horny would be annoying as hell on the headset by himself, but as a pure reaction speaker, he’s pretty decent.

Segment 5: CM Punk and Paul Heyman are on the apron as we come back from commercial. Once they’re set in the middle of the ring, Punk produces a mic and says he’s super scared, and totally can’t sleep at night. He’s afraid… of his own potential. Ha! I need to steal that line.

See, he’s been WWE Champion for 432 days, and everything has to do with the company is just scratching the surface of what he can do, and what he will do. The only thing that can make the 432 days go up in smoke is…

He does a pregnant pause here, which causes the crowd to chant “Rocky! Rocky!” Punk smoothly says that it’s not The Rock he’s afraid of, since Rock is totally breakable, and will be broken on Sunday. No, what Punk is worried about is The Shield. He’s upset that The Shield’s “independent actions,” Vince McMahon added the stipulation that Punk doesn’t have the Champion’s Advantage if Shield interferes with the match. It’s all a sign that Vince will do everything he can to “steal” the title back.

This is of course a problem, but Punk will fix it by now doing “what no one has ever done before after debuting on the scene.” Sounds promising.

So Punk leaves the ring to grab a chair, and he calls out The Shield right now. Punk starts to put the chair in the middle of the ring and readies for a sit-in protest, but Shield’s music starts up right away. Punk collapses the chair so he can use it as a weapon, and Shield comes down from the top row of the crowd.

Shield eventually gets down to the ring and surrounds it, then stand on the aprons, but they don’t enter. Punk says that he can only explain himself in the simplest ways… He’s never asked them to attack Rock, or Ryback. He’s never asked them for anything in his life, so “stay out of my way!” If Shield is convinced that Shield is here to fight injustice, then the greatest injustice would be for Punk to be stripped of his title due to Shield’s interference.

Punk reiterates that he will win on Sunday, and it will mean not just that he’ll have held the title 434 days, but it will be his biggest personal victory of his career. And he will do it by himself. He’s never asked for their help, because he doesn’t need it or want it, because he’s the best in the world. So if “justice” is really want they want in WWE, then they’ll never have to cross paths again.

Dean Ambrose looks the most pissed off of the trio after that. The fans practically scream a “Rocky! Rocky!” chant, but Ambrose leads the others down and through the crowd, apparently satisfied.

After they go, Punk tosses the chair and declares that that is how the champ takes care of business! If there’s a problem, he doesn’t whine or cry, he just takes care of it! And at the Royal Rumble, Rock maybe “The Great One,” but Punk is the best in the world, and that makes Rock, like all of us, totally inferior to Punk. And Punk is the greatest of all time! And he will repeat that, that he is the greatest of all time!


Ain’t no Titantron, baby. The Rock hits the ring to a massive pop and does his full entrance, which Punk respects, whether or not he likes it. And he clearly doesn’t like it, since Punk taunts him the whole time with his title. Rock looks absolutely jacked up for this; man, I forgot how intense he can be.

Rock doesn’t have a mic and instead just stares down Punk, who still dances around with the title. Heyman bails, and Rock finally finds a mic. He declares that he’s not going to put up with Punk’s crap anymore. Rock completely believes that Punk is working with The Shield… but whether he is or isn’t, Rock’s boot will be shoved straight up Punk’s candy ass. (Or something… weird audio cut right before “candy” for some reason.)

The fans chant for Rock again, and Rock tells him to listen to it. The walls are closing in on Punk, and on Sunday, Punk will crack, and Rock will hook him for the Rock Bottom. Rock gestures the flexed bicep that accompanies that, which Punk over-gestures as being totally threatening, just like the sarcastic jerk that he is. Rock raises his arm and says that he will lift Punk up for the Rock Bottom, and there will be only one thought that will play through Punk’s mind. And that thought will not be that Punk is the best in the world, but that his final thought will be “It’s over.”

Rock reiterates that he promises Punk, just like he promised the world, that he will beat Punk in the center of the ring, make the pin, and then it’s over. If you smell. What The Rock. Is cooking. Mic drop.

That’s most intense and angry I’ve ever heard Rock do his catchphrase. Damn fine promo. Rock leaves, but he stops on the stage to stare Punk down and slap his chest. Punk responds by lifting his title over his head, and Rock isn’t impressed.

Like I said, damn fine promo. I wondered how much fuel they could use to even start the fire for the feud from only three or four weeks ago, but good god have they pulled it off. I shouldn’t be surprised; these are two of the best talkers in professional wrestling modern history. Or maybe ever.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Randy Orton reverse-squashes Drew McIntyre (w/ 3MB) by disqualification. Early offense by Drew McIntyre, including throwing his head bandanna (as opposed to his crotch bandanna) in Orton’s face, which Orton sold like a punch. From there though, Orton just instantly went to the Five Moves of Doom. He got most of them done, but when he went for the Hangman’s DDT, Jinder Mahal came into the ring. Orton clotheslined his head off, but then Drew got DQed. Boo, inconsistency!

Orton ejected Jinder with an RKO, and Heath Slater didn’t bother trying, so Orton got back to work despite the bell. He hit Drew with the Hangman’s DDT, and then Slater got in the ring, just in time to eat another RKO. Finally, Drew stood up, so then he ate an RKO. Hooray, I guess.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: The Miz defeats Darren Young (w/ Titus O’Neil) by submission. Antonio Cesaro was on commentary, and… I don’t know man, it seemed like a bad day at the office for him, as he wasn’t really that strong. He tried insulting America, but it didn’t work. Maybe he just needs to play with the crowd’s reactions or something.

The match itself was subpar. Punchy-kicky, the bad kind (no variety, unlike the opener). Miz ended the match with a Figure Four. Nothing was bad here, just not entertaining.

After the match, Cesaro stood on the table and waved the American flag around. Miz just talked shit at him, and nothing much got accomplished.

Segment 8.1 [Six-Man Tag Elimination Match]: Kane eliminates Damien Sandow by pin. ADR starts off with Cody and totally dominates him. He even does a new move that starts with Cody standing with his back to the ropes about one step away from the corner. ADR goes to the top rope, jumps over him and hooks his feet around Cody’s neck, then sort of twists in midair and finishes with a huracanarana. It’s a little less believable of a huracanrana since we’re supposed to buy that ADR had all that strength in his toes, but Cody sold it like a champ, so why not.

ADR followed that up with a vertical drop and a roundhouse to Cody’s chest, then went for the pin. He only got two, but Cody knew he wasn’t going to last much longer, so he tagged out to Sandow. DB tagged in, proceeded to get kick the crap out of Sandow, then tagged out to Kane. Kane wanted to make a pin, got momentarily distracted, then suffered a million punches from Sandow. But then Kane hit a chokeslam out of nowhere and made the pin.

Segment 8.2: Big Show eliminates Kane by countout. Show opened with some punches, but Kane quickly turned it around and even hit a counter DDT from an attempted back body drop. Kane floored Show with a double axe handle off the top rope, then clothesline both of them over the top rope. Seemed like Kane had momentum there, but then ate the WMD.

Segment 8.3: Big Show eliminates Daniel Bryan by countout. Commercials, and when we got back, Cody and DB were exchanging blows. They wound up doing a simultaneous running crossbody off a rebound, which always makes me cringe when I see it. Both wanted tags, but Cody tagged in Show, who cut the ring in half. Show dominated, but was eventually taken down with a low dropkick to the knee. DB tried following up with something off the top rope, but he ate a slap to his chest. Show flung DB over the top rope, but DB skinned the cat. Show had seen that trick before: the instant DB turned around, he ate the WMD and fell out of the ring. This time, Show counted along with the ref, just to make the point to ADR.

Segment 8.4: Alberto Del Rio eliminates Big Show by countout. ADR is upset and worried, but he gets in the ring like a man. He also proceeds to get the crap beaten out of him like a man, including a chokeslam. ADR rolls out of the ring after that. Ref starts his count, but Show doesn’t ge the trifecta, because ADR gets back in at 9. Show just pushes him back out with his foot, then exits the ring.

Outside, a couple punches are exchanged, then Show tosses ADR back in. As Show gets back in the ring by stepping over the top rope as usual, ADR kicks the rope, thus crotching Show in a somewhat dubious bending of the rules. ADR follows up with his step-up enziguri, sending Show crashing to the floor. Now it’s time for Show to be counted, and… and he can’t answer? Huh. He’s selling that knee awfully hard. Maybe it’ll play into the match on Sunday.

Segment 8.5: Alberto Del Rio defeats Cody Rhodes by pin. Cody, now rested, went for a quick pin. Didn’t work, but Cody took advantage of ADR’s exhaustion, so he went on the offensive. It worked for a while, but Cody whiffed on The Beautiful Disaster. ADR took control, even hit a Superkick while Cody was on his knees, but he couldn’t close the deal.

ADR didn’t give up; he simply backed up a bit. Cody crawled over to the nearest corner and used the ropes to get himself to his feet… at which point ADR nailed him with the step-up enziguri. It was enough to keep him down, so ADR made the pin.

Post-Segment 8: ADR had about four seconds to celebrate, at which point Show came back in and decleated him with a Spear. Show chased off Ricardo and the commentators, pulled ADR behind the commentators’ table, then hit him with the WMD. Show then tilted the table over onto ADR as poetic mirror to how ADR won the title in the first place. It was so “shocking” that JBL said “Good grief” with his voice breaking like he just got hit with puberty.

Show then proceeded to loudly count to ten… then he repeated his count in Spanish, just to be a jerk. Message received, big man.

Show’s music played as Show left. EMTs flipped the table away and checked on ADR, who was still out cold. Good visual.

Final Thoughts: The main event was solid. Really the matches (other than Orton’s) were entertaining enough, and were all safe. No complaints, baby; perfect as a “last show” before a pay-per-view, though one that won’t sway any minds on the fence about whether to buy it this Sunday. Still, the Rock/Punk promo went above-and-beyond what was necessary, and I’m especially stoked about that match.

As I mentioned on Monday, I’ll be taking the recap this weekend, giving Rick a chance to relax and hang out with his buddies while playing Rick’s OOfficial Royal Rumble Party Game. I’m sure he’s got the rules up by now, so check them out if you need a refresher. In the meantime, come on back on Sunday night, where I’ll have the recap ready to be read, and a stomach entirely too full of caffeine and nachos. Hooray!

Episode Grade: C+


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RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!
PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28




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