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Babyface Destiny
January 12, 2013

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
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I don’t mean to sound like a hippie or whatever, but when I make my new year’s resolutions, I try to make them less concrete than some. I try to better myself subjectively, rather than an objective goal. This year, my new year’s resolution is two-fold: curtail my personal BS in correspondences with business contacts unless it’s relevant, and have better self-discipline in spending money.

I’m not doing bad with that first one, but the second one… man. I have some pretty terrible self-discipline when it comes to spending money on games and such. I’ve got dozens, maybe even a hundred games in my apartment right now, many of them I haven’t beaten. It’s absolutely killing my checking account… dropping $60 every two to three weeks on a new game when I have bills is incredibly stupid. I’m doing okay so far this year—I haven’t bought any new games for more than $10—but I still need better control.

I always have had need of some form of retail therapy when I get depressed. It’s weird; the best way I can describe it is that I feel I need a “new experience” when I get down. Unfortunately, “new experience” is always defined as a new Xbox 360 game or a fast food joint, rather than a book or movie or exercise or something. That’s something I’m really trying to work on this year, but the presence of friends tend to bring out my worst spending habits. That’s on me of course, I don’t blame them, but when friends are around, I don’t want to be the guy who says “Let’s not go to Taco Bell tonight because I’m poor and want to save.” So instead, I spend, and I kick myself for the rest of the month.

I’ll figure out something as the months progress, hopefully. In the meantime, let’s turn to SmackDown. After Rick’s teaser on the front page this week, I’ve been pretty stoked. Let’s get to it…

Segment 1: It’s Booker T to open up the show this week. He gives some generic hype in the ring, assuring us that SmackDown is so totally the A-show and can out-RAW RAW. So tonight, we’re going to have Antonio Cesaro vs. Randy Orton. I’m not sure how that’s an upgrade from John Cena vs. Dolph Ziggler, but hey, points for effort there, Books.

Of course, then Booker plays his trump card: The Rock is showing up tonight, which makes the Miami crowd cream itself. As an undercard to that, we’ve got a Last Man Standing match, Big Show vs. Alberto Del Rio, for the title. Pretty sad (or rather, pretty expected) for The Rock’s mere appearance to be considered higher on the card than a freaking World Title match. Not that I’m complaining, mind.

So Books does some more generic hype, and then Big Show hits the ring without his music. He’s pissed since apparently Booker booked this match on the fly, though we don’t hear much from him since he doesn’t have a mic (though the camera mic picks up most of his bitching).

Show eventually gets out of the ring just to get a mic, and he accuses Booker T of making a match like this as a personal vendetta. After all, Show is still active, while Books is just a REMF, pushing papers and being a dick. Further, he thinks Books is just pushing ADR because he Latino, and he’s pushing Latinos in Miami. Then Big Show gets racist by saying there aren’t any Latino heroes, a sentiment that I’m sure Cristiano Ronaldo would disagree with. Show goes on that there aren’t any “Irish heroes or Viper heroes” who can beat him either, making Show an equal-opportunity racist, the best kind of racist!

Show gets back in the ring and basically craps on the people in general, and that there are no heroes anymore. So he gets in Booker’s face and tries to intimidate him into changing his mind. He punctuates this by wrapping a hand around Booker’s throat.

And here comes ADR, who just kicks Show’s ass and sends him out of the ring. Show is generally unhurt, but doesn’t decide to push the issue. Instead, he just talks shit from outside the ring as Booker restrains ADR, and the fans start a pretty loud “Del Rio! Del Rio!” chant. Pretty cool, and that certainly helps sell the match for later.

Segment 2: To hype Rock’s appearance tonight, we’re getting some SmackDown highlights of Rock’s career by year. I’m not going to recap them specifically, but I’ll mention them when they pop up. This was the first one, one from 2001.

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Randy Orton defeats Antonio Cesaro by disqualification. Decent enough match I guess, but nothing special. Pure formula, no high spots, nothing to talk about. The match ended during Orton’s Five Moves of Doom as The Shield hit the ring and beat the crap out of him, ending with the triple powerbomb.

Segment 4: Matt Striker interviews 3MB, who all say nonsensical stuff, aside from Heath Slater reporting that his mom did the math: as long as all three are in the 30-man Royal Rumble, they have a 10% chance of winning! Hooray!

But first, they’re “going to beat Sheamus like an Irish drum,” then proceed to, uh, air drum Striker’s head. Very funny, and Drew McIntyre still looks absolutely tweaked during the whole thing.

Segment 5: We’ve got a pre-taped message from CM Punk, standing in Sun Life Stadium, home of WrestleMania 28. Punk reminds Rock (who isn’t actually there at the moment) that this is where Rock had his last match, and says that Punk is actually a big fan of Rocky’s, even his college football days! Punk even holds up a jersey of Rock’s!

And, uh, puts it on. He says that he wanted to go to where Rock played, but that happened in the Orange Bowl, which is now torn down, and… where the hell exactly is Punk going with this? Oh, it’s a metaphor: the place where Rock played his football glory days is gone, and the WWE that Rock knew and loved is gone as well. This is Punk’s company now!

Punk hopes Rock can be surrounded by friends and family while they’re here in Florida. Punk likes feel-good moments like that as much as the next guy! Except… Punk likes to snatch those feel-good moments out of the air and break them in half. “So remember that, Rock, when we step in the ring together!”

Punk knows that Rock will hit the ring and hit his catchphrase, including the “Finally The Rock has come back to Miami,” but he reminds Rock that while Rock can return to Miami, he can’t return home.

That whole thing was a little meandering. Decent trash talk from one of the best talkers ever, but it didn’t have a lot of punch to it. [Ed. Note: I liked it. But what Punk REALLY needed to do was draw the direct comparison between the Orange Bowl and the "F." Both the stadium where the Rock played his football career and the WWF where he had the entirety of his (relevant) wrestling career are gone! I miss the "F."]

Segment 6: Alberto Del Rio is in the locker room, and then Striker arrives to get his comments from the opening segment. ADR says that Show is super-insecure for bullying Ricardo Rodriguez and being a bigot to Latinos. So ADR is going to show exactly what Latinos can do tonight, and ADR will be the new World Heavyweight champion.

Segment 7 [Mixed Tag Match]: AJ & Dolph Ziggler (w/ Big E Langston) defeat Natalya & Khali (w/ Hornswoggle) by pin. Match was subpar but it slightly developed AJ. Dolph and Khali started, and Dolph was completely dominated, overselling absolutely everything as he’s wont to do. Tags were eventually made, and Natalya made short work of AJ, then slapped on the Sharpshooter.

AJ resisted, and Natalya couldn’t get it turned, but wouldn’t let go either. So AJ… uh… just straight up bit Natalya’s kneecap and held on like a Rottweiler. She took as much time as she could from Other Black Ref, who got up to four before basically pulling AJ off. Natalya continued the attack as AJ got to her feet, but AJ responded by going Mike Tyson on Natalya’s ear. Good lord.

Again AJ took the count to the limit, then grabbed Natalya in a rear headlock. From there, she used the corner ropes as leverage to step up and backflip while still holding on to deliver a super reverse DDT. I know that move has a name, but I can’t remember it. Anyway, AJ made the pin, and Natalya couldn’t kick out.

At some point, AJ’s top stopped holding onto her breasts. This is less exciting than it sounds, as she had a black bra on underneath. Believe it or not, I’m not mentioning this to be a perv for once… After the match, AJ only went up to knees, whipped her hair back, then licked her hand like a cat’s paw to, I don’t know, clean the Natalya skin flakes from her teeth. That gesture, combined with her almost-shirt being shifted out of position, created a rather psychotic visual that certainly works for her character. She’ll clearly do anything to win.

Post-Segment 7: Khali went in the ring to check on Natalya, causing him to be hit with the Clothesline From Hell from Langston. Dolph followed up with the Fame-Asser.

Hornswoggle then got in the ring for no reason. Langston caught him by the arm, then licked his own fingers seductively while staring at Hornswoggle. I’m really not making that up; it was a fairly “seductive” look he was giving Hornswoggle. At best, Langston was licking his fingers like a major league pitcher does before a pitch. Or something.

Anyway, whatever the look was about, Langston put Hornswoggle up on his shoulder and hit his sit-down modified gutbuster. Ziggler danced around in a circle after Langston hit the move, showing that Ziggler oversells his Broad Gestures as much as he does attacks.

Segment 8: Another pre-taped segment by Punk for some reason. Punk reminds us that Rock said on Monday that at Royal Rumble, “Time’s up” for Punk, referring to his time as WWE Champion. Punk finds this amusing; it’s as if Rock has convinced himself that he’ll beat Punk! As if Rock was a superhero (how does that make sense?).

Punk says that Rock wants to be the hero to “save” the people, but the people don’t deserve to be saved. Punk is better than the people, and is better than Rock. Paul Heyman is there and adds that Rock shouldn’t feel back about it; Punk is better than everyone. Heyman understands Rock’s vision, that he’s going into Royal Rumble, then move on to WrestleMania as WWE Champion. But Punk specializes in stomping out visions and dreams. After all, in this Punk Era of WWE, it doesn’t matter what Rock’s vision is.

Punk stops, takes off the Rock jersey, then just drops it in a heap on the turf. He and Heyman walk off, and again, the promo seems to lack punch (though it had more than the other one).

Segment 9: Another Rock clip, the Rock and Sock Connection, from 1999.

Segment 10: After commercial, it’s time for The Great One. Rock hits the stage, winks at me in such a way that I want to scream “Stranger danger!” and call the cops, and then makes his way to the ring. Rock’s got some serious goosebumps going as he hits his “Finally…” phrase, then we get to business.

Rock pimps the show, introduces us pointlessly to Flo Rida in the front row, then puts SmackDown itself over. After all, SmackDown was named for The Rock, so it’s his show! And as he’s in front of friends and family, he wants to continue the assault on CM Punk as he did on Monday… but, of course, Punk isn’t here. This leads to a loud “Cookie Puss! Cookie Puss!” chant.

Rock talks about his college days, pointing out that everything he’s ever accomplished in life started in Miami. Being “home” isn’t just about being in Miami itself; it’s about being in WWE and kicking Punk’s “Cookie Puss ass” at Royal Rumble. But if Punk doesn’t want to have fun with Rock tonight, Rock will just have fun with everyone else by himself, so there.

And here comes Damien Sandow, which makes extremely happy… A Sandow vs. Rock promo? That’s just fantastic! Oh, and Cody Rhodes is here too, but in this case, I don’t really care. Like Monday, I knew this would be so enjoyable that I just watched it through, then went back to finish this segment… I’m not going to ruin it with a dozen pauses!

So the heels hit the ring, and Sandow introduces himself and Cody. Surprisingly, Rock doesn’t interrupt them with a “It doesn’t matter what your name is,” and instead just listens rather respectfully. Sandow calls Cody the “Essence of Mustachioed Magnificence,” which I instantly want to put on a T-shirt. Sandow assures Rock that they’re here not just to help Rock, but to correct him. Uh oh.

Cody says that Rock won’t be champion at Royal Rumble. They are destined to be champions. See, they beat Team Friendship on RAW, so they can totally do it again when the Tag Titles are on the line. And because of that, Rock doesn’t even deserve this time; they do. So Cody invites Rock to leave the ring before he doesn’t have any choice.

Rock pretends to leave, then counters with his words. And in a really subtle and really brilliant move, Rock demonstrates exactly why he’s a freaking master on the microphone. He begins with, “Let me get this straight… you saunter down that ramp, you get in this ring…” As he says that, he hears the crowd lightly “What?”-ing him, and he decides to play along. There’s a slight change to his cadence, and he intentionally spaces his phrases so the fans can “What?” at their leisure. Not too many wrestlers can pick up on the crowd that fast and call an audible in the middle of a sentence to bring the fans into the promo. Rock is a fucking genius.

Anyway, so the phrasing goes like this: “Let me get this straight. You saunter down that ramp, you get in this ring, in the people’s ring, on the people’s show, SmackDown, dressed like this, dead caterpillar on your lip…”

And that effectively ends the “What?”-ing, as everyone is too busy laughing and cheering to keep it up. Sandow says that wasn’t funny at all as Rock finishes up that all that takes a lot of guts. So Rock just decides to be blunt: “Sweet tap-dancing Jesus, what is on your face?” Cody indignantly points out that he’s an adult, and he can grow a mustache if he damn well wants to!

Rock wants to respond, but Sandow cuts off the argument to change the subject. He tells Rock that he’s still looking for an apprentice, but everyone has been failing miserably, so maybe he, as the People’s Champ, can do it instead! If Rock can answer three questions right, he gets to stay; if not, he has to leave. Is he up for the challenge, or is he not intellectually superior? There’s a slightly awkward cut, and Rock screams “It’s like the shirt says, Just. Bring. It!” Sandow congratulates him on his ability to read. Ha!

Cody follows up by deadpanning, “I don’t know if he can answer the three questions, he did go to Miami.” Cheap heat, hilarious, it perfectly works, and Cody looks damn proud of himself for that one.

The first question: who was the 19th President of the United States? Rock pulls a Jesse Pinkman as he answers: “Rutherford B. Hayes, bitch!” Sandow says that’s not what the B stands for, but it’s correct. Rock responds damn right he’s correct! Rock knows his 19th century, which is why he knows that Sandow’s 19th century beard and buggy eyes makes him look like the result of a love child between Abe Lincoln and a gremlin. Cute… it sounds dumb, but it’s all in Rock’s delivery. “Don’t feed him after midnight!” Rock adds.

Well, Cody says, since Rock is the big movie star and just made a movie reference, how about a movie question? What movie won the 1993 Best Picture award? Some fan screams “Tooth Fairy!,” and Rock directly tells him, “No, not that, that’s enough.” Smile, cheers, and the heels look offended. But then Rock gets to it and correctly answers Schindler’s List. “And you’re damn right The Rock is correct. You look like you know something about lists, since you look like you spent twenty hours a day on Craig’s List.” Subtle pedophile rapist joke… weird, but funny.

Rock then calls out Lilian Garcia sitting at ringside because he’s The Rock and that has to happen. He tells Lilian to put her pepper spray away and not be afraid of Cody and his mustache since if Cody tries anything to her, Rock will “slap that caterpillar right into the eighth row.” Sandow screams for silence as Lilian gives an adorable thumbs-up. [Ed. Note: ahhhh, the classics. Lilian still frosts the Rock's struedel after all these years.]

Sandow really wants to ask his third question, but Rock has had enough of this. Since the heels were jerks enough to come and interrupt him in the People’s Ring, it’ll be The Rock who will ask the third question to Sandow. And if he gets it right, he’ll get an amazing prize from Rock and Miami! Sandow loves prizes, so he’s game. Rock asks: “What do you get when you combine a geological aggregate of minerals with its lowest form?”

Sandow Broadly Gestures that that’s the easiest question in the world! He’s all smiles as he says “It’s a Rock Bottom!” And then Sandow’s expression instantly turns to concern; he’s not an idiot, and he realizes what he just said. Rock congratulates him on getting the answer right, then hits his finisher.

Sandow powders out as Rock and Cody run to opposite corners. Cody considers things, then is sure he’s totally got a chance to fight, so he charges Rock… and eats a spinebuster. Rock positions him, and I prepare to hear the screams of estrogen from the Miami ladies as he pulls off his shirt. That never happens; instead, Rock just signals what I assume to be some Miami University hand gesture, then his waving arms, hits two ropes, People’s Elbow, everyone cheers. Yay!


Mic drop, since I guess we were all singing along at that point anyway. And yeah, I know I went into a lot of unnecessary detail there, but as always, that segment was pure entertainment. Freaking awesome, and it’s worth checking out on YouTube or DVR. It doesn’t add anything to Rock/Punk per se, but who gives a shit? It feels like Rock was never gone.

Segment 11 [1-on-3 Handicap Match, Tag Rules]: Sheamus squashes 3MB by pin. 3MB starts by collectively running away. Sheamus turns to ask the ref what’s going on, so all three charge the ring… except only Heath Slater actually gets in there, and he eats a Brogue Kick. Drew and Jinder Mahal decide not to be dumb, so they just wait outside the ring as Sheamus makes the pin.

Segment 12 [Tag Match]: Team Friendship defeats the Prime Time Players by pin. Decent match but a bit on the short side. Standard formula with Kane being the eventual savior. The PTP were able to contain him however, even as he tried to do a double chokeslam with them. They kicked him in the gut together to break it, then together gave him an Irish Whip to a neutral corner. However, DB was already up there, so Kane intentionally dove to the ground as DB came flying off and did a top rope double flying knee, which was freaking awesome. Kane quickly followed up with a chokeslam to Darren Young and made the pin on him.

Of note, DB was selling his right knee after delivering the double flying knee. I’m hoping that was just kayfabe or at worst a minor bump. He seemed okay, but it’s something to watch. It might just be a continuation of the (kayfabe) knee damage he suffered on RAW, and it may play into Team Friendship’s chances going forward.

Segment 13 [Singles Last Man Standing Match for the World Heavyweight Title]: As with the main event on RAW, this one deserves a proper recap.

Punchy-kicky to start, with Big Show getting the upper hand and just assaulting ADR. The ref actually gave the first count during this sequence, but absolutely no one bought into it. Show then exited the ring and brought out a table already, showing that indeed this one was going to be a spot-fest. Show pulled ADR out of the ring, then did a scoop slam to put ADR through it like it wasn’t no thing.

ADR struggled to get up while using the commentators’ table as leverage, but then Show grabbed a chair. He flung ADR back in the ring, followed, but left his body open as we went for a chair shot. ADR kicked him in the ribs, making him drop the chair. ADR wasn’t dumb: he grabbed the chair and started beating the crap out of him with it. A close-up revealed that ADR already had a bloody lip.

Even after a half-dozen chair shots, Show still only went down to one knee. ADR then grabbed Show’s arm and went for the Cross Arm Breaker, but Show just dead-lifted him during the attempt. Show tried dumping him over the top rope, but ADR held on. We wound up with ADR doing a rope-assisted upside-down scissored armbar, and without DQs, the ref couldn’t call for the break. Show screamed in agony but eventually lifted ADR up just enough with that locked arm to get him onto the apron. From there, Show lifted ADR up with both arms just a few inches, then dropped him spine-first on the edge of the apron. ADR broke the hold and tumbled to ringside while Show stayed in the ring and tried to get some feeling back into the arm.

Both guys down, but Show got up pretty quickly. ADR however fell flat on his back, so the ref managed to get to an eight-count. ADR got up at that point, but Show wandered back toward him. Rather than see what happened, instead we got some…


We’re back, and it’s punchy-kicky again at ringside. It isn’t long before Show gets a bit of momentum and tosses ADR in the ring, then pulls another table out from under the table. He puts it in the ring, then heads back inside. He leans the ladder into the northeast corner, but that requires him turning his back on ADR. ADR swiftly kicks him several times, then dropkicks him in the shoulder, sending Show face first through the table. Show takes the count, but gets up at seven.

ADR doesn’t let up and does a Dolph Ziggler-like standing rear naked choke. Show’s head turns as red as Sheamus’s hair, and he starts to fade. Show maintains long enough to break the hold and judo throw ADR off him.

But ADR isn’t breaking momentum. He gets punchy-choppy, adds in a few running clotheslines, and wants to top it off with a top rope double axe handle. However, Show catches him by the throat and smoothly transitions it into a chokeslam. The ref starts the count, but ADR gets up at eight.

Show isn’t worried. He headbutts ADR, sending him through the ropes, and the fight spills back to ringside. Show then does what’s essentially a running shove, and it sends ADR through the corner of the barricade, sending him into the timekeeper’s area. ADR manages to get up at nine, takes about two steps, then falls over again. He manages to get to the ring, and Show follows.

Once they’re both in the ring, Show just instantly charges up and delivers the WMD clean. ADR splats into the canvas again. ADR is motionless until seven, at which point he slowly crawls out of the ring and manages to lean against the apron. ADR’s feet are technically under him, causing the ref to break the count.

Show is stunned and leaves the ring. Ricardo Rodriguez then runs over with a bottle of water as he tries to revive ADR. Show stands there and considers things, then pulls apart the stairs. ADR gets to his feet and leans his back against the nearest ring post. Show holds the stairs aloft and tries to squish ADR’s head between the stairs and the post, but ADR moves before he can. Show can’t stop the running momentum, so the stairs crash into the post… and Show himself keeps going, so he smashes his face against the other side of the stairs.

Show can’t shake the cobwebs, giving ADR enough time to get up and grab the stairs. He rams them into Show’s shoulder twice, that second time nearly throwing them in the process. ADR delivers one more throw of the stairs into the shoulder, making him collapse into the commentators. JBL and Josh Mathews scramble, Show is down, and ADR quickly flips the commentators’ table onto Show. Show… can’t answer the count! Holy shit!

Your winner, and NEW World Heavyweight Champion, Alberto Del Rio! A completely unexpected ending! I had every assumption and prediction that there was no way we’d have a title change, especially on a free show, and double especially so close to a pay-per-view. The crowd absolutely loses its shit, and we even had a clever ending. Fantastic! This is why I don’t read spoilers!

After replays, ADR heads into the crowd to celebrate, surrounded by a bunch of Miami teens and no apparent security. Brave man, especially when some morons start tugging on the title belt.

Final Thoughts: I’ve been verbose enough tonight; I have nothing more to say, really. Rick’s teaser was accurate. Man, right now, it’s a good time to be a WWE fan. I’m trying not to get too excited here—WWE has a tendency to fuck up momentum out of a sure thing—but this week has been a blast. The fans are clearly embracing ADR, and even I’m buying his turn at this point. [Ed. Note: I said it 3 weeks ago, when Alberto was surprisingly good in his first week after an impromptu face turn (infinitely better than Miz has been since his, anyway).... you can't overlook the importance of Ricardo when it comes to fans buying del Rio as a good guy. Not just in terms of the storyline that Alberto now respects Ricardo and treats him like a friend... but also just the simple fact that fans have always seemed to have a soft spot for Ricardo's goofy antic, even when he was a heel. The guy adds an intangible bit of likeability to Albert's act. The closing shots of Alberto and Ricardo hugging and celebrating were adorable. In a manly kind of way.]

RAW was pretty awesome start-to-finish, but this SmackDown was slightly less so. The great parts were really great, but then you had Orton/Cesaro, so… Meh. And Punk’s promos were just lacking something that I can’t accurately describe, just the punch that they normally have. Punk does way better when he has a crowd to work with and is face-to-face with another superstar. I’m not saying Punk was bad at all; he was good. I just didn’t feel the same resonations with these promos than some of his previous ones. If nothing else, you’ll want to watch the whole second hour.

All right, I’m done for this weekend. Take care, and check out our recap of the 20th Anniversary episode of RAW on Tuesday!

Episode Grade: A-


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