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SD!: ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW
Two Can Play at That Game
December 15, 2012

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
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on Twitter --/-- View Pyro's Videos on Youtube

 

One week after I make my “it’s the end of an era” announcement on my precap, IGN has contacted me and asked me to do the guide anyway. Whoops. I think it’s a little silly that they didn’t get this decided until a full month after the game was released. In videogame speed, one month of real time is just short of forever. But hey, I love the series, and I love these guides (and I love the paycheck!), so I’m totally down for it. I need the cash… once again I’m running very short on funds.
 

And that’s about the extent of what I want to talk about on Online Onslaught. Like all of you, my mind and my thoughts are elsewhere after this morning’s events (remember I write these on Fridays). I really want to discuss it, I want to write about it, I want to talk about it, because quite honestly writing about tragedies is my best coping mechanism. A long time ago, I learned that writing is where my passion is, and when problems arise, my general solution to getting over it (if the tragedy happens to me) or at least attempting to understand it (if the tragedy happens to others) is writing about it.
  

But you don’t come here for that kind of thing, and that’s the last thing you want to hear or read about on this website. So let’s get to SmackDown.

Pre-Segment 1: No opening pyros or theme (though we still have to endure the retarded soap opera-style recap). Sheamus and Antonio Cesaro have joined JBL and Josh Mathews on commentary for whatever is about to go down.

Big Show and R-Truth then hit the ring for the opening match. The commentators interview Sheamus about his match with Big Show this Sunday, while Cesaro basically becomes irrelevant until the match starts.

Segment 1 [Singles Match]: Big Show extend-squashes R-Truth by pin. Meh. The only interesting thing that happened was that the fight spilled outside on the east side about halfway through. Cesaro stood up and stood over Truth’s body, taunting him. Sheamus then got up and shoved Cesaro back into his seat. Cesaro was so upset about it that he didn’t bother putting his headset back on.

Nothing more to talk about, really. Show and Sheamus made eyes at each other but nothing transpired. Truth eventually got blasted with the Knockout Punch, which may or may not be still called the WMD, since neither commentator said it.

Post-Segment 1: After the match, Show got out of the ring to taunt Sheamus repeatedly. Sheamus got up and stood only a couple feet in front of Show, and they argued and bitched. Cesaro then came from behind and planted a forearm into the back of Sheamus’s head, causing him to fall forward and lightly strike Show in the chest.

Sheamus turned around and chased Cesaro off. Meanwhile, Show started laughing like a lunatic: Sheamus “broke” the No Touchy rule! Show ran off giggling like a girl as he cried “The match is off! The match is off!” Even JBL called that stupid, begging that the match shouldn’t be called off just because of an accidental touch thanks to a third party. We’ll see…

Segment 2: After commercials, Show is still totally jubilant as he finds Booker T in the back. Show says that Booker T has to call off the match, since Sheamus so totally violated No Touchy. Books isn’t a moron: he says that given the circumstances, it may as well have been Cesaro himself who bumped into Show; the match is still on. Show, still in Girl Mode, practically weeps, “But what about my shoulder?” The line is funny, but it would have been funnier if he was a face.

Segment 3: We fade out from that noise to see Damien Sandow in the ring. He reminds us that he’s been trying to find an apprentice for a fortnight, but we’re all so stupid that it’s like trying to find a needle in a haystack: “…a disgusting, sweaty, vile, knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing, monosyllabic haystack.” That’s a beautiful phrase. I totally need to use it on someone.

So instead, Sandow reintroduces us to his equal, his partner, and his bestest friend ever, Cody Rhodes. Cody comes down and talks some vanilla shit, but he doesn’t get to talk long: the Usos interrupt his blathering. No Siva Tau, but they come down anyway for the match that I didn’t realize they’re all having together.

But first… commercials!

Segment 4 [Tag Match]: Team Rhodes Scholars defeat the Usos by pin. Decent match, but time-compressed and nothing special. The hot tag/house of fire sequence came pretty quick and resulted in Jay and Cody, both illegal men, spilling out to the east side of the ring. Jimmy watched them go, and Sandow rolled him up with a small package pin with a handful of tights. Cheater cheater, pumpkin-eater.

Segment 5: David Otunga is in the back and sipping at his coffee as he looks over some contract. Oh, I see… he’s being Show’s lawyer, and he says the contract is ironclad: the title match needs to be called off because the No Touchy rule states “any physical contact” is prohibited. Show says he knew he was right, so he orders Otunga to go convince Booker T of that.

Otunga says that there’s multiple ways to go about that, and he thinks the best course of action is to do this publicly. Show is down (with a shit-eating grin), so they walk toward the ring together. Guess we’ll see them after commercials.

Segment 6: Yup, there they are. Show makes an opening statement that’s totally uninteresting. Then Otunga takes the mic and says that it’s totally an open-and-shut case, and it’s no surprise to him that Booker T is choosing not to follow his own rules. He doesn’t think this kind of decision—to cancel the match on Sunday—should be left to a “clearly biased” GM. They seem to be in Connecticut or something, because apparently the WWE headquarters is “just down the street.”

Big Show here comes Books, who talks from the ramp. Booker’s opening statement is that “contracts are always honored based not on the letter of the law, but the spirit of the intent,” which is about as far from reality as you can possibly get. [Ed. Note: I, myself, am a Spirit of the Law man. Right and wrong isn't a game of symantics, it's mostly just common sense. Or rather, it should be. Don't tell that to DUI lawyers or other loophole exploiting sleazebags. So I will forgive Booker's mistake. His noble, well-intentioned mistake.]

Booker blathers some more and finally just repeats himself: the match is still on, so there, neener neener. Otunga counters that “just because you’ve been to prison doesn’t make you a legal expert,” and ensures everyone that he’ll get Books fired, then will get Sheamus fired too just for the hell of it. Otunga asks Books to give him one good reason not to pursue legal action.

Well, here comes Sheamus with a chair. Booker verbally tries to stop him, but he’d have better luck trying to get Batman to wear white. Sheamus gets in the ring and says that the reason he shouldn’t go for the legal action is that if the match is called off, and Sheamus is fired, then nothing will stop Sheamus from kicking his arse all over the city (except for a felonious assault charge!).

Show considers it, then sheepishly declines to go for it. And as Show says that, he looks around and seems scared. That seemed a little overdone, honestly… unless we’re supposed to assume that Show is just overplaying his “fright” and just trying to play mind games? That would make a hell of a lot more sense.

Anyway, Show leaves, and Sheamus does a Brogue Kick to Otunga, because once again, that’s what anti-bullying faces do: beating the shit out of innocents who didn’t really do anything even after the problem was already solved.

Segment 7: Before commercial, they showed a RAW recap of Randy Orton beating the crap out of Brad Maddox, followed by Orton getting his own ass kicked by The Shield. As we come back from commercial, we smash-cut to the back where Orton is again getting destroyed by The Shield for no reason, this time near catering, and Orton is implied to have gone through a table in the meantime.

Segment 8 [Singles Match]: Kaitlyn defeats Aksana by pin. A surprisingly technical match, this one more resembled a collegiate wrestling matching that a professional wrestling match. I’m not saying it was good, because it sort of wasn’t: it was basically Aksana doing a variety of headlocks on Kaitlyn from pretty much every angle imaginable for five minutes. That’s not compelling TV, but it is something different, and it shows that Aksana actually knows a few holds. I think that’s a net positive as long as they don’t try it again next week.

After the five minutes, Kaitlyn started to slip out of the hold. Aksana made the mistake of letting go and striking, but Kaitlyn was able to shake those off and do a simulated house of fire sequence despite this being a singles match. Once Kaitlyn got a little momentum, she never lost it, and she ended the match with a military press drop-to-gutbuster, a pretty sweet finisher.

Segment 9: Matt Striker informs us that Orton has a completely separated shoulder and possibly a concussion, and that he’s on his way to a hospital for further evaluation. So sad… but maybe not, since we all know that Concussed Orton seems to be Orton’s best character.

Segment 10: Time for an episode of Miz TV! The Miz is in the ring with his furniture as he makes his opening statement about how The Shield are big jerks but making names for themselves. And The Shield will get a chance to prove themselves in the ring on Sunday, so in continuing that theme, we’re going to see Team Friendship right now as Miz’s guests.

DB is the first to speak, ironically doing so by saying that the time for talking is over. He assures us that he’s going to unleash that anger he supposedly has, and he’s going to bash them all in with tables, ladders, and chairs. They’ll be begging for him to stop, and when they do, DB will say no… no… No… NO!

Kane picks up from there and says that he and DB are finally on the same page. And that’s bad news for everyone else in the world, especially now that DB has found his “inner monster.” DB starts screaming “Yes!” over and over…

And then the video cuts to the Titantron, where The Shield blathers from the back. They talk some shit and swear that they will be victorious on Sunday since they don’t take too kindly to threats. Kane asks, “Why wait till Sunday?” The Shield is down with that, so they get off the video.

We have a pregnant pause, and then The Shield appears up in the top row of the arena. They start to head down, and then Ryback’s music fires up. Ryback joins Team Friendship in the ring, and The Shield immediately makes them stop. After Ryback leads the crowd in a “Feed me more!” chant, The Shield decides that running away is the best option.

Pre-Segment 11: RRRRRROOOSSSAAA!!! in a hot red dress. Man, why don’t they show her entrance anymore?

Segment 11 [8-Man Tag Match]: Tyson Kidd, Justin Gabriel, Khali, & Hornswoggle (w/ Natalya) defeat Primo, Epico, & the Prime Time Players (w/ My Rosa Mendes) by pin. With so many superstars involved and with how short of a match this was, I think a proper recap is in order.

Khali and Titus O’Neil to start, with Khali gaining the advantage. He tagged out to Hornswoggle, who did a couple chops, then got his ass handed to him. Darren Young then tagged in, but soon suffered a Horny-delivered headbutt to his male pride. Somehow, this didn’t result in a DQ.

Horny tags out to Tyson Kidd, who basically goes house of fire… but then walks into belly-to-belly suplex from Young. Young tags out to Primo, who beats the crap out of Kidd with Epico’s help. Kidd fights out of that after like 30 seconds, but then goes back to being the face in peril. My Rosa even gets involved by slapping the taste out of Kidd’s mouth behind the ref’s back, but then Natalya runs around the ring and does a head crusher from Rosa’s rear, making Rosa hit ringside and give us a quick and thoroughly unsatisfying up-skirt shot. The cameraman deserves a raise though for being in the right place at the right time. (Black panties, in case you were wondering.)

Back in the ring, Primo tags back in and maintains control for one dropkick. Kidd starts to get his hope spot, and he hits a forward roll for a pin out of nowhere. Justin Gabriel never tagged in, and the whole thing only lasted about four minutes. Too short for an eight-man tag match in my opinion, but whatever, because I got to see Rosa’s panties and her post-match temper tantrum.

Post-Segment 11: And then all hell breaks loose because the heels want some revenge, but the faces aren’t having that. Pretty much everyone who can did a suicide dive through the ropes, and Horny even indirectly took down Titus O’Neil. Khali contributed by Doing Nothing, something he’s not surprisingly pretty good at.

Segment 12 [Singles Match]: Kofi Kingston defeats Alberto Del Rio (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) by pin. Above-average match, but no high spots other than Kofi’s usual flying. Strangely, they didn’t tell a normal story with this one, since ADR’s normal modus operandi is to target the arm to ready the Cross Arm Breaker. Instead, this was more of a brawler-versus-flier match, which isn’t a complaint, just an observation.

The match ended after some decent back-and-forth exchanges, culminating in ADR setting up a suplex. He went for it, but at the peak, Kofi slipped it out and turned it into a backward victory roll. ADR couldn’t kick out with all of Kofi’s weight on his hamstrings.

Post-Segment 12: As Kofi exited the ring and celebrated, Wade Barrett came running down the ramp from behind and went for a clothesline. Kofi’s Jedi sense kicked in and he ducked it at the last second, then followed up with the Trouble in Paradise to put Barrett on his ass. Yay, Kofi! Twice!

Segment 13: RAW recap of the whole damn AJ scandal for reasons I can’t imagine anyone could care about, interspersed with movie trailer-like title cards with things like “A Forbidden Scandal.” Seriously WWE, what the hell?

Segment 14: After Segment 13, which went on entirely too long, and a recap of the Sheamus/Show shenanigans from tonight, which also went on entirely too long, we finally have some live stuff going on. William Regal is in the back and talking to Sheamus in a locker room. Regal cracks a joke about Sheamus’s temper being a result of all those potatoes, then gets all serious as he advises Sheamus to keep his head in the game. He warns Sheamus to relax and not fall for Big Show’s stupidity, but also not to forget about Antonio Cesaro easy tonight, since they’re in the main event together.

Sheamus has all the confidence in the world. He says the only person who needs to worry about keeping their head in the game is Big Show, since Sheamus is totally going to kick his ass on Sunday. And Big Show can do whatever he wants, because Sheamus won’t break the No Touchy rule no matter what he tries.

Now, the last time I made a prediction was on Monday when I said AJ would come down to John Cena’s side during the main event despite being told not to, and I was wrong. Yet I’m now predicting that Sheamus wins the main event, and then Show is going to tempt Sheamus by beating the hell out of Regal in front of him. Can I at least go 1-for-2 this week on my predictions?

Pre-Segment 15: Shortly after the main event started, Josh Mathews reported that Orton doesn’t have a concussion after all. Given Orton’s character, that’s kinda too bad.

Segment 15 [Singles Match]: Antonio Cesaro defeats Sheamus by countout. Okay, so I was half-right. It was a formulaic match, nothing huge. Cesaro had sort of a “reverse hope spot” after Sheamus’s offense, soon followed by Sheamus hitting the 10 of Clubs and starting his Moves of Doom.

And then Regal basically flew out of gorilla. Big Show stepped out a moment later. Sheamus tore ass up the ramp, but Regal literally begged Sheamus not to fall for it… even as Big Show hit him in the back with a chair. Mike Chioda hit a ten-count and called for the bell.

Show just shrugged and smiled; he didn’t taunt Sheamus, which somehow was worse of a taunt, if that makes sense; it was totally effective. Sheamus just looked frustrated, but he didn’t even tip over a ladder or anything, and we pretty much faded out to black instantly.

Final Thoughts: Decent episode for what it was. Feuds were fueled, more hype toward Sunday, basically everything you could ask for except for the fact that the video packages felt a little too long. Pretty much a “by the numbers” last episode before a PPV, no complaints.

I’ve got one post-show note here. Normally, basically nobody watches WWE’s free pre-show on YouTube prior to a PPV, and normally I don’t even bother bringing it up. But it’s going to be an all-diva “Santa’s Little Helper Battle Royal,” and included in the participants are apparently Naomi and Cameron. Maybe even My Rosa? I think I’ll check it out, if I remember to. It might spare me the pain of watching another Steelers loss.

Either way, I won’t be watching TLC since, once again, my finances are stretched beyond the breaking point and I have only $30 in my savings account. But I will be checking out Online Onslaught at approximately midnight to read Rick’s recap of the event, which I heartily encourage you to do too. I’ll see you on the other side of the weekend for RAW for Slammy Night, and the next night for SmackDown as well.

Have a good weekend, guys. Thoughts and prayers to Connecticut.

Episode Grade: C+

 
E-MAIL PYROFALKON


  
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