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Big and Bigger
November 17, 2012

by PyroFalkon
Master of the PyroFalkon Multimedia Empire, Incorporated
Read Pyro's Words
at Blogspot --/-- View Pyro's Videos at Youtube

One week to go until the yearly pissing contest among retailers that is Black Friday. Thanks to some company that is starting it extremely early—not sure which one—Walmart’s Black Friday is now happening at about 6pm Thursday. Seems I’ll be in the store to deal with that first crowd… If it’s anything like last year, we’re going to begin the shopping season by having two women led away in handcuffs after getting into a fistfight over towels that cost $1.98.
Still, I’ve seen a massive decline in interest over trying to deal with the insanity this year. Is that just me? I’ve been at the store for over five years, and I’ve heard way more people this year talking about shopping a bit later in the day or skipping Black Friday altogether. It gives me a sliver of hope for humanity, even though I know stories of stupidity aren’t exactly as common as the storytellers would like you to believe.

It’s true that, at least for our store, we had a bunch of morons last year… but we also had about six times the amount of revenue compared to a normal day, so it probably all worked out evenly.

But hey: one thing that probably won’t be bought next week is Hostess stuff! Idiots, of course, are lamenting how this is the end of their childhoods and they’re rapidly buying up the snacks like they’re the last link to paradise. Here’s the thing: first, the snacks likely aren’t going away because the brands are too strong, and probably some other company will be buying them eventually. We just might have Nabisco Twinkies or Microsoft Twinkies instead of Hostess Twinkies or something.
Second: if you really want to blow up and are now out of Twinkies and Ho-Hos, there's ALWAYS Taco Bell. And KFC. And Pizza Hut. And McDonald's. And Burger King. And Wendy's. And Rally's. And Papa John's. And Dominos. And Popeye's. And Subway. And Golden Buffet. And Arby's. And Sbarro. And…

Opening Cut Scene: Sheamus is here, pacing in the parking garage as he waits for the arrival of Big Show, because he’s mad.

Segment 1: We’re in Cleveland tonight, which means The Miz is home. And Miz hits the ring to open the show wearing a dapper three-piece suit that probably moistened some panties. Or it would have, if Miz didn’t look like he was constantly staring into the sun.

Anyway, Miz is here for his talk show segment, Miz TV. But he can’t get into it right away, as damn near the whole arena erupts with a “Miz is awesome!” chant. But he gets down to brass tacks soon, talking about being voted into Team Foley for the five-on-five traditional Survivor Series match on Sunday. He points out that he’s on the poster for Survivor Series, which is fitting because he’s totally a survivor. He’s also accomplished more than anyone else among both teams, and he’s not going to bend his knee to any team captains. He doesn’t care about what Dolph Ziggler has to say, and he won’t care about what his guest has to say. But come on down anyway, Mick Foley!

Foley hits the ring to cheers, and he opens by saying that he was fairly nervous about putting Miz on the team ballot on Monday. Not just because [cheap pop that lasts entirely too long], but also because he doesn’t know what kind of Miz is going to show up to the team. See, he doesn’t know if it’s going to be the Miz who main evented WrestleMania and beat John Cena… or if he’s going to be the Miz who takes vacations, sits on chairs, and prances around with makeup and a weak beard but doesn’t actually wrestle.

Miz insists he doesn’t need a cheerleading speech; it’s Foley’s other team members that need help, given that they’re a pair of tag champions that don’t like each other, an Apex Predator that doesn’t like anyone, and a “cheap shot artist who stole my Intercontinental Title.”

Well, Foley is fine with getting all this out in the open, because we’re going to have a team meeting right the hell now on Miz’s show. So Kofi Kingston, Team Friendship, and Randy Orton all hit the ring in turn. DB and Kane try to take the floor first at the same time, with DB winning it out. He says that he thinks Kane wants to apologize for being such a jerk for calling DB the “weak link” of the team. Kane corrects him: he just wanted to start by thanking Miz for being an awesome tag partner on Monday. “My back feels so strong from not having to carry somebody!” Burn!

DB: “Without me, you’d be roaming basements and scaring little children!” Kane: “Oh yeah? Well, I roam basements and scare little children regardless!” Ha! That soon breaks down to “I am the tag team champions!”

Kofi stops the bickering, but Miz then calls bullshit on the fact that Kofi is being all nice. Miz steps up and says that, after all he tried to shake Kofi’s hand after their match last week, and Kofi just kicked him in the face. Kofi coldly says, “And if you don’t take two steps back, I’m going to do it again,” which draws a few boos.

Mick separates those two and terrifyingly says that it looks like Orton is going to be the one who has the voice of reason. Orton begins by looking around like he’s not sure how he even wound up here in the first place, then brings up some history. After all, Orton is the guy who spit in Mick’s face—twice—and was thrown by Mick into a pile of thumbtacks. Yet for all that, Orton still likes Mick the most out of everyone in the ring, and in fact, there’s no one on the team that Orton even likes… or trusts. And to punctuate that, he punches the easel-mounted Survivor Series poster, just to be a jerk to Miz.

Well, before anything more happens, Dolph Ziggler and the rest of his team hit the stage. Well, minus Cody Rhodes, who got legitimately injured (including a concussion) on Main Event. Dolph begins the promo by saying that his whole team is ego-free and at the top of their games, all unified behind him, “one charismatic leader.”

Except maybe not, because Alberto Del Rio is too busy talking to Ricardo Rodriguez to pay attention. Dolph tries to get his head back into the promo, but it’s not happening; his orders to ADR are falling on deaf ears. Hell, ADR doesn’t think Ziggy should be the team leader at all! The only person who deserves to be the team leader is ADR! Ziggler: “That’s not something you could have brought up before we came out here?” Heh, nice stage whisper. ADR concludes that he’s a former champion, but Dolph counters that he’s a future champion thanks to the Money in the Bank briefcase, and he’d rather be a future anything than a former anything.

Mick: “Wow Dolph, you sure are showing us how to be unified!” Dolph: “Shut up and stay out of this.” Ha! Mick goes on that he is involved in this, because he remembered what it was like to be in charge and make awesome matches… so he’s asked for permission from Booker T to make some matches tonight involving the teams. So how about this: let’s strengthen each team’s unity by pairing up guys who are arguing with each other! So it’s going to be Dolph and ADR versus Orton and Miz tonight.

Dolph is down, and is retroactively cool with Miz quitting because Miz couldn’t cut it on the team anyway! Because Wade Barrett is so much better! That’s when Wade takes the mic, thanks him for the sunshine up his ass, then goes on that Team Ziggler just “replaced a quitter with a winner.”

Well that’s fine, says Mick. So since Wade isn’t going to quit, he should take on Kane! That just makes DB flip out with a hundred “No’s.” The crowd picks up with the “Yes’s,” and Damien Sandow cuts that crap by screaming “Silence!” over and over. He says that Team Foley is screwed because they have “a goat-faced one-word wonder with an anger problem,” and that it’s Kane’s “unrestrained brutality” as to why Cody Rhodes isn’t out there on the stage. Then Sandow calls Kofi a “braided neon mute,” which makes no damn sense, “who thinks he can fly.”

That whole thing was an awkwardly worded mess, but Kofi is game: if Sandow wants to play, Kofi will show him all about his flying abilities! Mick makes the match. Sandow isn’t happy, but Dolph doesn’t protest, so I guess it’s on. And hell, it’s on next! After commercials!

Segment 2 [Singles Match]: Damien Sandow defeats Kofi Kingston by pin. We start off the match with a replay of the injury to Cody. Kane did a basic back body drop, and at least in slow motion, it looked okay. But when Cody went airborne, he didn’t get the full flip for some reason, so he just landed hard on his right shoulder instead of his shoulder blades… which also caused the side of his head to slam into the mat and bounce. Man, that was sick. Between this and his bloody, bloody head from last year, the poor guy must be snake-bitten whenever he enters the Buckeye State.

The match itself was fun and broke formula. There was no true heel beatdown sequence, and in fact Kofi was far more technical- and brawl-heavy than he normally is. And he did a solid job of it, proving that he’s not just a high flyer, and that they really need to get him more TV time.

Still, Sandow managed to tough it out and even hit the Cubito Fastidia, though Kofi hung on. At the end of the match, Kofi hit a back body drop off an Irish Whip counter and seemed like he was in control. However, as he approached Sandow, Sandow kicked out his knee. Kofi stumbled back, and Sandow quickly crawled over to make a quick schoolboy pin. Kofi couldn’t kick out, and that was that, even though Sandow didn’t look much like a winner.

Cut Scene: Sheamus is still waiting in the parking garage. Whee?

Segment 3: RAW recap about the AJ/Cena “scandal” retardedness.

Segment 4 [6-Diva Tag Match]: Kaitlyn, Natalya, & Layla defeat Alicia Fox, Eve, & Aksana by pin. It’s about damn time the women get a decent-length match. Best of all, due to the fact that there were six divas, there were no rest holds. Just solid back-and-forth action… once the heels got done beating the shit out of Layla, anyway.

There were no standout divas or spots, but there wasn’t any eye-rolling stupidity either, a win when Aksana is asked to actually be in the ring. Also, they were able to tell a story with Eve giving Kaitlyn the stink eye whenever she did any sort of offensive move. It didn’t help though, as Kaitlyn was the last legal woman and, after the prerequisite house of fire, Kaitlyn dropkicked Alicia in the back, sending her into Eve, sending her to the floor. All the illegal women were down, and Kaitlyn quickly hit Alicia with a reverse DDT with a float-over. Just for symmetry, it was her turn to glare at Eve as the ref counted three. Good stuff.

Segment 5: Sheamus is still waiting, and Booker T arrives to yell at him for being a better door than window. Hell, Show may not even show up! But either way, Books doesn’t want a fight now. Just wait 48 hours!

Sheamus says that Booker should give Show a threatening message for him, but promises to move after all. Booker declares, again and in no uncertain terms, that if Sheamus throws a punch tonight, there will be repercussions. Sheamus smiles and says that he totally agrees, then walks off. Booker knows he sort of trapped himself with his own words, but he can’t say anything to make the situation any better.

Segment 6 [Tag Match]: The Miz & Randy Orton defeat Alberto Del Rio & Dolph Ziggler (w/ Ricardo Rodriguez) by pin. Pure formula, good match, but no standout spots or notes. The match ended when Orton got the hot tag, went house of fire, and hit ADR with the Hangman’s DDT. Orton, for no damn reason, started running backwards while arm pumping rather than doing his usual ring humping. As a result, this movement took him to his own corner, where Miz tagged himself in.

Orton didn’t even bother getting out of the ring; Miz just hit ADR with the Skull Crushing Finale, then made the pin. Yay!

And then after the match, Miz celebrated around… and ate an RKO. To boos. Heh, dumbass. Well, then his music started and he hit the UPOD, and everyone loved him again. Idiots. But hey, it all made sense in context, and though Team Foley gets the win here, they’re hardly on the same page. They’re 1-and-1 tonight… who will break the tie? Oh the drama!!!

Segment 7: After a video clip of Big Show beating up William Regal on Monday, Sheamus is here live and hits the ring. Sheamus gives some vanilla threats, then calls out Big Show.

Show hits the stage, but basically ignores Sheamus’s blathering. He encourages Sheamus to thank Show, though, for not going down there and kicking his ass. Sheamus says he’s totally going to thank Show personally, then starts up the ramp.

Booker T arrives out of thin air and stops Sheamus. Show laughs and leaves as Booker T verbally throws him out of the arena for being pissy, then starts to lead Sheamus around the ramp as we fade to commercial.

Segment 8: We’re back, and Show is talking to Booker T in the back. Show, for some reason, thinks that Books gets him since they go back all the way to WCW. Booker T doesn’t fall for that, and in fact tells Show that he’s in the main event. But he’s going to leave the opponent a surprise. However, he reminds the champ that no one is “bigger than the Show.” Hm…

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Kane defeats Wade Barrett by disqualification. After about thirty seconds, all of Team Ziggler hit the ring and beat the shit out of Kane. So, that ends that.

Post-Segment 9: DB was the first one to hit the ring to attempt a save, but they were still outnumbered. Kofi was the next one down, but even he fell victim to the numbers. Then it was Orton, and the tide turned. It was about an even fight, but Team Foley fairly quickly cleared the ring. Orton then RKOed Dolph and Sandow to solidify his dominance, and it ended with Team Foley—minus The Miz—standing tall in the ring.

Miz himself eventually came out from gorilla and stood on the stage, looking at his teammates with a bit of a jealous or thoughtful expression. The others looked back at him, but nothing was said or done.

Segment 10: RAW recap about the WWE Championship situation.

Pre-Segment 11: R-Truth joins commentary for the next match.

Segment 11 [Singles Match]: Antonio Cesaro reverse-squashes Sin Cara by pin. First of all, there was no aquarium lighting for this match; is this the first time Cara hasn’t had the special lighting for a singles match, or have they been doing this a while and I haven’t been paying attention? Second, I’m surprised Cara is the victim of a reverse squash, but here we are.

Cara put on a show for the whole match, and did an excellent job without any botches that I could notice. He and Cesaro play surprisingly well together. The match was the perfect length, though; just as it starts to feel redundant and that Cara is going to end things, Cesaro does his trademark back body drop-to-European Uppercut that just looks sick. Cara was woozy from just that one move, then wound up eating the Neutralizer and took the pin.

Post-Segment 12: Truth had behaved himself for the match, but with the bell rung, he decided that the best place for him to be was standing on the announcers’ table. Truth rambles, but eventually leads the fans in a “USA! USA!” chant, which more confuses Cesaro than irritates him.

With the fans chanting, Truth gets in the ring… and Cesaro gets out and heads to the back.

Pre-Segment 13: Show makes his entrance for the main event. His mystery opponent is… Khali? Oh, I get it, “No one is bigger than the Show.” Lame.

Segment 13 [Singles Match]: Big Show defeats Khali by pin. So the story they were trying to tell here was that Khali was somehow magically on Big Show’s level. The thing is, no one bought it. They played to little more than polite murmuring for the duration of the match. But Show, God bless him, tried like hell to tell that story and pulled a Dolph Ziggler in the amount of selling he did, especially when Khali stole his Shh! Chops.

Still, Show was able to hit a Spear out of nowhere, soon followed by a WMD out of nowhere, to take the win. And that was it. And that was stupid.

Post-Segment 13: So after Show finished his “match” (which was more like glorified flopping around), Sheamus’s music fired up. Show immediately looked around like he farted in an elevator and wanted to see if anyone else could take the fall. No Sheamus though, and the music randomly switched back to Show’s, so he just up and left.

After episode replays, we see Show walking through the back. Matt Striker arrives to ask a question, but Show thrusts his chest and makes Striker run away.

Show is all happy for his awesomeness and intimidation, so he merrily boards his bus… whereupon Sheamus bursts out and starts kicking his ass. They brawl among a few cars, triggering some of the most easily broken side windows and windshields in the history of special effects. Seriously, when a windshield completely shatters just because Show happens to lean on it, your stage crew officially screwed something up somewhere.

Anyway, Sheamus gets the best of it by the time all the refs and Booker T arrive to pull him away. Still, Sheamus is hurting since this happened after he was thrown back-first into one of the aforementioned windshields, so… whatever.

Final Thoughts: For the final episode before WWE’s #3 or #4 most important PPV of the year, it was pretty disappointing. Nothing sucked, but nothing was interesting either, and some stories seemed randomly shoved into the situation. The US Title situation especially seemed random. I mean, the whole “USA!” chants were fine, and it’s a nice storyline device to have the US Champion crap all over the United States. But for Truth to be the defender of the American way seems… nonsensical. There’s nothing wrong with the matchup per se, just the buildup, or lack thereof.

Ditto the Team Foley/Team Ziggler thing. The mini-matches tonight were a good idea, but the ending of it just flopped to me. I get that the vibe they’re going for is that Miz is still metaphorically (and literally tonight in case you need an anvil) on the outside looking in, as he’s caught as a tweener and hasn’t yet committed to being a face. It sets up a nice moment where he’ll finally embrace the fans and go full-on face on Sunday, maybe even be the hero of Team Foley, as he reboots his character. It’s a nice story, just executed blandly. I wasn’t really entertained.

And… that about covers the whole of the night. We basically focused on only four stories: Sheamus/Show, Foley/Ziggler, Kaitlyn/Eve (which was clever enough if not particularly complex), and Truth/Cesaro. Seems a little thin to me. But hey, all the titles are covered, and Foley/Ziggler encompasses several mini-stories weaved with it, so there’s that. Personally, I would think a bit longer of a buildup would have been in order, though the loss of Cody Rhodes might have destroyed some team dynamics they had been planning.

Oh, speaking of Cody, there’s no word yet on who is taking his place for Team Ziggler. The commentators mentioned that we’re going to “get an update” about Cody on Sunday, but that still implies he won’t actually be cleared to wrestle, unless I’m just over-thinking it. It’ll be good for a surprise or two come Sunday, if you happen to watch.

And if you don’t? Well, that’s what Rick is for, since he’ll have the Survivor Series recap (and expert commentary!) [Ed. Note: And analysis!] that night. And the night after, I’ll be going to RAW and immediately doing the recap when I get home. And I have to work the next morning, which means I’m going to be pissy and in Asshole Mode just from the lack of sleep. It won’t be fun for me, but it will be fun for you, since I do my best writing about WWE when I’m too tired and pissed off to care about being verbose! So, yeah… look forward to that!

Otherwise, have a good weekend everyone! We’ll be seeing you soon.

Episode Grade: C


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